Widow to Widow: How the Bereaved Help One Another

282 Pages·2004·0.89 MB·English

by  Phyllis R. Silverman

The Series in Death, Dying, and Bereavement
Consulting Editor
Robert A. Neimeyer
Beder — Voices of Bereavement: A Casebook for Grief Counselors
Davies — Shadows in the Sun: The Experiences of Sibling Bereavement in Childhood
Harvey — Perspectives on Loss: A Sourcebook
Klass — The Spiritual Lives of Bereaved Parents
Leenaars — Lives and Deaths: Selections from the Works of Edwin S. Shneidman
Lester — Katie’s Diary: Unlocking the Mystery of a Suicide
Martin, Doka — Men Don’t Cry…Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief
Nord — Multiple AIDS-Related Loss: A Handbook for Understanding and Surviving a Perpetual Fall
Roos — Chronic Sorrow: A Living Loss
Rosenblatt — Parent Grief: Narratives of Loss and Relationship
Tedeschi & Calhoun — Helping Bereaved Parents: A Clinician’s Guide
Silverman — Widow to Widow, Second Edition
Werth — Contemporary Perspectives on Rational Suicide
FORMERLY THE SERIES IN DEATH EDUCATION, AGING, AND HEALTH CARE
HANNELORE WASS, CONSULTING EDITOR
Bard — Medical Ethics in Practice
Benoliel — Death Education for the Health Professional
Bertman — Facing Death: Images, Insights, and Interventions
Brammer — How to Cope with Life Transitions: The Challenge of Personal Change
Cleiren — Bereavement and Adaptation: A Comparative Study of the Aftermath of Death
Corless, Pittman-Lindeman — AIDS: Principles, Practices, and Politics, Abridged Edition
Corless, Pittman-Lindeman — AIDS: Principles, Practices, and Politics, Reference Edition
Curran — Adolescent Suicidal Behavior
Davidson — The Hospice: Development and Administration. Second Edition
Davidson, Linnolla — Risk Factors in Youth Suicide
Degner, Beaton — Life-Death Decisions in Health Care
Doka — AIDS, Fear, and Society: Challenging the Dreaded Disease
Doty — Communication and Assertion Skills for Older Persons
Epting, Neimeyer — Personal Meanings of Death: Applications for Personal Construct Theory to Clinical
Practice
Haber — Health Care for an Aging Society: Cost-Conscious Community Care and Self-Care Approaches
Hughes — Bereavement and Support: Healing in a Group Environment
Irish, Lundquist, Nelsen — Ethnic Variations in Dying, Death, and Grief: Diversity in Universality
Klass, Silverman, Nickman — Continuing Bonds: New Understanding of Grief
Lair — Counseling the Terminally Ill: Sharing the Journey
Leenaars, Maltsberger, Neimeyer — Treatment of Suicidal People
Leenaars, Wenckstern — Suicide Prevention in Schools
Leng — Psychological Care in Old Age
Leviton — Horrendous Death, Health, and Well-Being
Leviton — Horrendous Death and Health: Toward Action
Lindeman, Corby, Downing, Sanborn — Alzheimer’s Day Care: A Basic Guide
Lund — Older Bereaved Spouses: Research with Practical Applications
Neimeyer — Death Anxiety Handbook: Research, Instrumentation, and Application
Papadatou, Papadatos — Children and Death
Prunkl, Berry — Death Week: Exploring the Dying Process
Ricker, Myers — Retirement Counseling: A Practical Guide for Action
Samarel — Caring for Life and Death
Sherron, Lumsden — Introduction to Educational Gerontology. Third Edition
Stillion — Death and Sexes: An Examination of Differential Longevity Attitudes, Behaviors, and Coping Skills
Stillion, McDowell, May — Suicide Across the Life Span — Premature Exits
Vachon — Occupational Stress in the Care of the Critically Ill, the Dying, and the Bereaved
Wass, Corr — Childhood and Death
Wass, Corr — Helping Children Cope with Death: Guidelines and Resource. Second Edition
Wass, Corr, Pacholski, Forfar — Death Education II: An Annotated Resource Guide
Wass, Neimeyer — Dying: Facing the Facts. Third Edition
Weenolsen — Transcendence of Loss over the Life Span
Werth — Rational Suicide? Implications for Mental Health Professionals
How the bereaved help one another
Phyllis R. Silverman, Ph.D.
NEW YORK AND HOVE
Published in 2004 by
Brunner-Routledge
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10016
www.brunner-routledge.com
Published in Great Britain by
Brunner-Routledge
27 Church Road
Hove
East Sussex BN3 2FA
www.brunner-routledge.co.uk
Copyright © 2004 by Phyllis R. Silverman
This edition published in the Taylor and Francis e-Library, 2005.
“To purchase your own copy of this or any of Taylor & Francis or Routledge’s
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Brunner-Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group.
Cover design: Elise Weinger
Cover image © Elise Weinger
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced
or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means
now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording,
or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission from
the publishers.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Silverman, Phyllis R.
Widow to widow : how the bereaved help one another / by Phyllis R.
Silverman. — 2nd ed.
p. cm. — (Series in death, dying, and bereavement)
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-415-94749-9 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Widows—United States. 2. Widows—United States—Psychology.
3. Bereavement. 4. Self-help groups—United States. I. Title. II. Series.
HQ1058.5.U5S57 2004
306.88—dc22
2004009011
ISBN 0-203-02097-9 Master e-book ISBN
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne’er a word said she;
But Oh, the things I Iearned from her
When sorrow walked with me.
Robert Browning Hamilton

CONTENTS
Series Editor Foreword xi
Preface xiii
Acknowledgments xix
Introduction 1
A History of the Widow-to-Widow Program 1
Primary Prevention in a Human Service Intervention 2
Considering an Intervention for the Widowed 2
The Search for a Strategy 3
Where Widowed People Looked for Help 4
The Pivotal Idea of Transition 6
Widows Helping Widows 7
The Intervention at Work: The Widow-to-Widow Program 8
Choosing a Community 9
An Advisory Board 9
Identifying the Newly Widowed 9
The Widow Aides 10
Doing the Work 11
What We Learned 11
Widows Who Accepted Help 13
Need To Find Understanding 14
Help with Concrete Problems 14
Family Issues 14
Widows Who Refused Help 15
The Widowed Service Line 15
Conclusion 16
Implications 17
vii
viii Contents
Section I Various Dimensions of Widowhood
Chapter 1 Theoretical Perspectives on Grief and Helping 25
Death Is Not a Respecter of Age 26
What Is Grief? 27
Making Meaning in a Developmental Context 28
Is Grief a Normal Life Event or an Illness? 31
Grief As an Illness 31
Grief As a Life-Cycle Event 33
Grief in a Relational Context 34
Detachment Revisited 37
The Effect of Culture and Society on Grieving 40
Chapter 2 Widows and Widowers: Gender Differences 45
Gender in a Societal Context 45
Differences in Coping Styles 52
Differences in Outcome 53
How Do These Factors Influence Change? 55
Chapter 3 Grief As a Time of Loss and Change:
The Nature of Transition 59
Mourning As a Time of Transition 60
Spousal Death As a Disequilibrating Event 61
My Place in the World Is Lost 63
Redefining the Self 65
Change Over Time 67
Reality vs. Disbelief: “It Didn’t Really Happen, Did It?” 67
Uncertainty: What Will Happen Next? 70
Reconstruction: Building a New Life 72
Chapter 4 Help in a Mutual-Help Context 75
The Nature of Help 75
The Widowed As Helpers 78
Helping Networks 79
Mutual Help and the Professionalization of Services 80
The Influence of Social Support on the
Provision and Acceptance of Help 82
Mutual Help and the Bereaved 84
What Is Mutual Help? 85
Connecting Help to the Motion of Transition 87
Affinity: “I’m a Widow, Too” 88
Presence: Learning From Others Like Themselves 89
Self-Generation: Changing Self and Others 90
Contents ix
Section II On Helping
Chapter 5 Could This Really Be Happening to Me? 97
Unexpected and Anticipated Deaths 99
The Silence of the Grave Becomes Real 102
Their New Status As Widowed 103
Connecting to Other Widowed People 104
Financial Concerns 106
Confronting Family Issues 108
Beginning To Grieve 109
Chapter 6 Uncertainty: What Will Happen Next? 113
The Pain Is Still There 114
A Place for the Deceased 117
Seeing Beyond Family and Old Friends 118
Others Like Me 120
Finding New Friends 123
I’m Not the Same Me! 125
Chapter 7 Looking to the Future: The Fruits of Help 129
Not Everyone Is Helped 133
A Revised Definition of Widowed 134
Reorganizing Their Daily Lives 136
Life Looks Different Now 139
A New Sense of Self 140
Dating and Remarriage 143
Establishing a New Relationship with
the Deceased: Continuing Bonds 147
Helping Others 147
Chapter 8 Parenting Alone: Widowed with Dependent Children 151
How Do I Tell My Children? 152
Attending the Funeral or Not 154
We Are All Grieving 155
The Daily Routine Changes 156
Protecting Their Children From Their Grief 159
Understanding Their Children’s Grief 161
Worries About the Children 164
What Will I Do If Something Happens to You? 167
Children Help, Too 169
Problem Children, Problem Parent 170
Connecting to Their Dead Parent 172
Conclusion 172