Why Can’t I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns

261 Pages·2012·2.7 MB·English

by  Shirley Impellizzeri

Sunrise River Press
39966 Grand Avenue
North Branch, MN 55056
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© 2012 by Shirley Impellizzeri

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any
means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and
retrieval system, without prior permission from the Author. All text, photographs, and artwork are the
property of the Author unless otherwise noted or credited.
All reasonable effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of the information in this book. However,
due to ongoing research and discoveries, the information in this book may not reflect the latest
standards, developments, or treatments. This book is intended for educational purposes, and is not
intended to be all inclusive or to be a substitute for direct diagnosis and treatment by a qualified
licensed mental health practitioner. Readers who have questions about a particular condition or possible
treatments for that condition are advised to consult with a licensed mental health practitioner. The
Author and the Publisher shall not be liable for any damages allegedly arising from the information in
this book. The opinions expressed in this book are the Author's alone and not those of the Publisher.
Whenever a person can be identified in this book, either that person or a surviving family member gave
permission to the author for that person’s story to be told in an effort to help you. The names of patients
and details of their stories have been changed to protect confidentiality.
All trademarks, trade names, model names and numbers, and other product designations referred to
herein are the property of their respective owners and are used solely for identification purposes. This
work is a publication of Sunrise River Press, and has not been licensed, approved, sponsored, or
endorsed by any other person or entity.

Edit by Debby Young
Layout by Connie DeFlorin

ISBN 978-1-934716-50-2
Item No. SRP650

To my sweet little Sydney.
Thank you for choosing me as your mom in this lifetime.
Foreword

Why can’t I change? This is one of the most fundamental
questions people ask themselves at some point in their lives, and it can
also be one of the hardest to answer. Dysfunctional behavior patterns
can become so entrenched that changing them seems like an
insurmountable feat. Many people give up, resigning themselves to a
life that isn’t what they truly want.
In this important work, Dr. Shirley eloquently explains how the
foundation of our earliest emotional attachments gives rise to
dysfunctional patterns of behavior. She teaches us that as far back as
infancy, these attachments influence how our brains develop and what
thoughts and beliefs get set into place and often remain throughout our
lives.
From the moment we are born, the attachment process begins and by
our third month of life, the person we are primarily attached to is
already imprinted in our brains. This individual is most often a parent
or primary caregiver, who has the opportunity to either nurture us and
build our self-esteem or to remain emotionally distant and erode our
sense of self-worth. How this attachment figure treats us during these
early formative years has a profound effect on how our brains develop
and how we perceive ourselves and others in the future.
In our culture, we are taught to believe that after a certain age, we
should stop blaming our parents for the problems in our lives. Dr.
Shirley helps us realize that blaming our parents is not the road to
change. Instead, gaining an understanding of how our parents
influenced and shaped our development is the most effective means for
letting go of our self-destructive behaviors.
Why Can’t I Change? explains this process and clarifies how it can
provide the building blocks we need to become who we truly want to
be, as well as offer us the emotional and practical tools to change and
move beyond our self-destructive patterns. When we understand the
patterns behind our self-doubts, those patterns lose their power over us,
and we can adopt new, healthy ways to understand ourselves and the
people who are important to us. That is the key to how we can truly
change and live healthier, more fulfilling lives.

Gary Small, MD
Professor of Psychiatry
David Geffen School of Medicine
UCLA
Preface

Why do people make the same mistakes over and over again?
Why do we choose the wrong partners, stay in dead-end jobs, or fall
into bad habits or addictions? Why are some people perpetual victims?
Why can’t we just change whatever isn’t working and get on with it?
These questions about the human condition fascinated me and led
me to a career in psychology. During my early years in private practice,
I noticed that many of my patients had a distinct pattern of self-
destructive behavior that seemed to repeat over and over again. I found
this pattern pervasive in almost all areas of their lives, although it was
most apparent in their intimate relationships.
When I pointed this out to my patients, many had no idea there was
a pattern at all. Those who admitted being aware of their patterns
became aware of them only after the patterns were established. They
were not conscious of what had created these patterns and what had
gotten them to this place. They seemed to be sleepwalking through life.
I began to research this phenomenon. I knew from my studies that
childhood experiences affect our behaviors and the way we think about
life. During a fateful trip to Tahiti, I was introduced to attachment
theory, which specifically correlates our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and
what we expect in life as adults to the way we attach to our primary
caregivers as infants. The latest studies in attachment and brain
development indicate that the effects of these early experiences shape
the way our brain develops, causing us to behave in ways that we may
not be aware of. As I learned more and more about attachment in early
life, it all began to make sense. The programming that begins in infancy
is stored in the unconscious. When it is triggered, it ignites a pattern of
behavior that is simply a reaction to that early programming. Thanks,
Mom and Dad!
With this knowledge, I began to better understand the psychological
defenses, emotional reactions, beliefs, and behaviors my patients were
displaying. It was not simply a matter of blaming our parents; their part
in the process is in the past and often unintentional, and we can’t
change that. However, understanding why the behavior exists is the first
step in changing it. It became clear that helping my patients gain insight
into their patterns led to awareness and that awareness presented a
choice for them: either stick with their old behaviors and continue to
sleepwalk through life or try new behaviors and release themselves
from their unconscious patterns, ultimately living the lives they wanted.
Insight and awareness alone do not produce change, but new
experiences do. And new experiences create new neural pathways in
the brain and literally change it. The adage “You can’t teach an old dog
new tricks” is a lie.
I wrote this book to share my insights and strategies beyond the
scope of my practice. When we become aware and let go of old
patterns that no longer work in our lives, we can change our behaviors
and stop sleepwalking through life, free from the effects of the past.
How exhilarating and grand!
Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank everyone who serendipitously came together to
make me who I am today, beginning with Judith Pillsbury, RIP, whose
understanding and kind words I will never forget, and continuing with
my first two mentors, Dr. Paul Abramson, who believed in me when I
didn’t and Dr. Lawanda Katzman-Staenberg who taught me everything
I know. Matt Jackson introduced me to my wonderful manager,
Marilyn Atlas, who found Mike Farris at Farris Literary Agency who
decided to take a risk and took me on as a client. He, in turn, found
Sunrise River Press, and I was lucky to have them take a chance on me
and publish my words. Karen Chernyaev is a kind, patient, and
intelligent editorial director who had the wherewithal to put me
together with Debby Young. I have never had the experience to work
with an editor and feel blessed to have worked with such a talented one
from the get go. Debby immediately got me, heard my voice, and
understood the message I wanted to convey and made me sound
eloquent doing so!
To my friends who supported me and understood when I went MIA
to write and meet my deadlines. And to my family: my mother who I
know would have been very proud of her gordita, Frankie-boy, and
especially my sister Jackie, who I have always looked up to and with
whom I am extremely proud to share a wonderfully close relationship.
You were instrumental in helping me, always inspiring me with kind
words and giving me great feedback while writing this book.
Gigi and Gary Small have always been a wonderful support ever
since that fateful day when we met on the first day of our kids’ nursery
school.
Dr. Drew Pinsky, thank you for supporting me in this effort.
A special thanks to the scientists, many of whom I reference
throughout the book, who have dedicated their lives to studying the
effects of trauma. A very special thanks to Dr. Perter Levine, whose
brilliance has given us a beautiful and profound way to heal our