When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong: Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come (Emotional Maturity 101)

342 Pages·2018·1.63 MB·English

by  Dana Elken Terrell

PRAISE for
When I Do Relationships So Right
How Do They Go So Wrong?
Books on improving relationships abound but few have the depth of consistent
wisdom that is found on the pages of this book. Dana Terrell has achieved this
through her applied knowledge of Bowen theory. She has made this theory her
own with her unique integration of EMDR. This makes for a valuable book for
anyone who cares about their relationship health—and let’s face it, there is no
way to improved well-being without finding ways to do our relationships better.
Jenny Brown, PhD, author of the excellent self-help book based on Bowen
theory: Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life's
relationships
. . . .
From desensitization to discovery: merging two unlikely psychotherapies:
Not only has Dana Terrell found the nexus that connects EMDR with Bowen
family systems therapy, she offers a delicious rendering of both approaches
along with poignant time capsules of her own life, enticing case examples, and
“relationship ouches” as entre points into individual work. Bowen has been one
of my inner guides since reading an anthology of his papers in my
twenties. Thank you, Dana, for bringing him back to life for a new generation of
psychotherapists and seekers of personal growth.
Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT
Making Hostile Words Harmless
. . . .
This book touched my heart and life on so many levels. I’m glad Dana
explained her view that panic comes from untreated PTSD. It was true for me. I
suffered with panic attacks for years. No one understood that it was from months
in a hospital so far from home in a ward with very handicapped children, in a
body cast strapped in a bed.
I am so thankful Dana Terrell was courageous enough to study and apply
these beautiful principles to herself and came to understand human fears,
behaviors, and patterns in order to teach the world. Otherwise, she could have
become very “frozen” like her dear mother.
I found the section on caregiving and care-receiving valuable. It is crucial for
critically ill people to feel supported and loved. This is foundational to healing
the immune system.
Ellen Tart-Jensen,
Health Is Your Birthright
. . . .
I give permission to include my Dad’s story in your book. What you are doing
is very good. It will help a lot of people.
Ronald Medicine Crow, son of Chief Joe Medicine Crow
. . . .
Endorsement from a reader prior to publication: After reading your book,
I woke up at 3 a.m. with many thoughts, one of which was that everything would
be OK in my relationship with my 32-year old daughter. She never seemed to
grow out of the teenage condescending attitude towards parents. Now that she’s
a surgical resident working 80+ hours a week, two things are working against us:
one up/one down reciprocity (inherent in people with medical degrees?) and
emotional-cutoff (due to her demanding schedule).
Yet I now have a sense that everything will be fine, remembering how deep
our preteen connection was, and even have ideas on how to rekindle that. I can’t
tell you how astounding this is for me. I have a date to meet two friends as we
are all troubled by our strained/estranged relationships with our adult children. I
attribute my new hope to the Bowen material in this book.
Shared anonymously
Client Breakthroughs
Emily: “Since my iBE work with you, I have joy! My husband hasn’t seen joy
in me for a long time!”
Paul (in his 70s): “I can see the changes happening in my daughter through
her iBE therapy, so I feel you can help me, too.”
Kyle: “I’ve made more progress with you in 3 months than in 20 years of talk
therapy.”
Jan: “I just learned about ‘I’ positions and used one with a sarcastic family
member. Normally I would’ve let it bother me and avoided family events.
Instead, I asked him to stop, gave him a reason, stood my ground, and like
magic, there is no more issue. Seems like an easy thing, but not to someone who
is used to just letting things be.”
Sandra (seeing her overfunctioning pattern): “The more I gave the more they
took.”
Find inner strength by calm, courageous,
daily practice of your most beloved principles.
Your character will shine and light the
generations to come.
Dana Elken Terrell
WHEN I DO RELATIONSHIPS
SO RIGHT
HOW DO THEY GO
SO WRONG
Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind,
Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come
Dana Elken Terrell
Copyright 2018 Dana Terrell, LCSW, EAC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner,
stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means: electronic, mechanical, or
otherwise, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and
retrieval system without the author’s written permission.

Written by: Dana Elken Terrell, LCSW, EAC (LCS 13773) Published by
Comprehensive Therapy Approach, Inc.
3537 Boundary Street, San Diego, CA 92104
619 283-5665 iBE Therapy
Dedicated with love
To my dear, departed parents, Lucille Evanson Elken and Richard Guy Elken,
for their noble examples of loving commitment to one another and to all they
loved, for their positive outlook, doing their best and for Dad’s believing in me
as a writer and encouraging me to write a book. I gave him one of the first drafts
shortly before his passing in 2012.
And to my dear husband, David Loren Terrell (1951 to 2017), for his sweet
love and joy, his commitment to the love and practice of high principles, and for
finding countless ways to support my purpose: to serve the cause of greater
emotional maturity. He called this “our book.”
David was a great believer in EMDR therapy and Bowen theory. He served at
my June 2017 workshop as the “emotional protection team member.” When he
introduced himself, he shared how many EMDR sessions he experienced. Thus,
he set a great example that it is ok to get your needs met and heal. He overcame
more significant difficulties (alcoholism, anxiety, and cancer) than anyone I
know personally (I’m not speaking clinically now).
I say he overcame cancer because he often said cancer was the best thing that
ever happened to him. He sincerely meant it. For one thing, he never knew how
much he was loved till his diagnosis. In his last months, he was in a beautiful
state of loving everyone and everything. For another thing, once he got on
disability, he used his free time for spiritual effort and was filled with joy and
bliss much of the time. So, it was a true statement. With his super positive
attitude, he turned it into a total blessing.
When he introduced me at the workshop, he claimed I was a “world famous
EMDR therapist.” Feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want to contradict him, so I
simply hinted at his bias by saying, “he is my greatest fan.” The group erupted in
applause.