Thinking Parent, Thinking Child: How to Turn Your Most Challenging Everyday Problems into Solutions

290 Pages·2004·1.41 MB·English

by  Myrna B. Shure

Thinking Parent,
Thinking Child
How to Turn Your
Most Challenging
Everyday Problems
into Solutions
MYRNA B. SHURE, Ph.D.
Copyright© 2005 byMyrna B. Shure. Allrightsreserved. Manufactured in the United Statesof
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DOI: 10.1036/0071458662
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To all the parents and children who taught me more than I
could ever have taught them.
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Contents
Acknowledgments ..................................................ix
A Message for You..................................................xv
Part 1 ■ Dealing with Feelings 1
1 Anger......................................................................5
Oh, Those Tantrums! 5
Darn Those Curse Words! 7
“Mommy, I Hate You!” 9
Is Your Child Angry? What Does He ReallyUnderstand? 10
2 Frustration and Disappointment..............................14
“My Child Hates to Lose” 14
Does Your Child Have to Be the Center of Attention? 16
Put an End to Whining 18
Help Kids Learn to Be Resilient 21
“My Kids Wish for What They Don’t Have” 24
3 Stress, Worries, Fears, and Trauma..........................27
Starting School or a New School 27
Test Stress: What You Can Do 29
Less Stress Means More Learning 32
Too Shy to Participate? 34
When a Family Member Is Chronically Ill 37
4 Coping with Loss ..................................................41
Rethinking Divorce: It Doesn’t Always Have to
Hurt Your Child 41
When a Best Friend Moves Away 43
Helping Your Child Cope with the Death of a Loved One 46
Celebrating Mother’s and Father’s Days—
When Mom or Dad Isn’t Here 48
When the Family Pet Dies 51
v
vi • Contents
5 Caring and Empathy ..............................................54
Are We Sending Different Messages to Boys
and to Girls? 54
Parents Have Feelings, Too 57
What Does It Mean to Be “Kind”? 61
“Now Say You’re Sorry!”—but Does She Really Mean It? 63
Help Kids Be Helpers and to Give as They Receive 66
Help Your Child Understand Those with Disabilities 68
6 Self-Esteem and Sense of Control ..........................72
To Praise or Not to Praise 72
A Niche for Every Kid 74
“Does Anybody Care About Me?” 75
“I Can Make It Happen!” 78
Part 2 ■ Handling and Preventing Problems 81
7 Time and Timing: Bedtime, Procrastination,
Interrupting, Impatience ........................................87
“Is This a Good Time?”—“What Can I Do While I Wait?” 87
End the Bedtime Wars 90
“I’ll Do It Later”—Curing Procrastination 93
“Can’t You See I’m on the Phone!” 95
8 Possessiveness ........................................................98
When Kids Fight over Toys 98
Borrowing Without Permission: Parents to the Rescue? 101
When Preteens Stake Their Claim: “It’s MyTime!” 103
“Get Out of My Space!” 105
9 Defiance, Tattling, and Lying ................................109
“Why Is My Child So Defiant?” 109
“Stop That Sassy Talk!” 111
Dawdling: Defiance or Distraction? 114
Help Your Child Stop Tattling 116
“You’re Lying!” 119
10 Physical Aggression, Bullies, and Victims ..............122
“Mommy, Tommy Hit Me!” 122
When Your Child Hurts Others 124
Contents • vii
It’s Not Always Time for a Time-Out 126
To Spank or Not to Spank 127
11 Emotional Aggression............................................131
When Preschoolers Hurt Others 131
“Peter’s Picking on Me!”—How to Help
When Your Child Is Teased 133
When Friends Betray Each Other’s Secrets 136
“She Stabbed Me in the Back”—
Stopping the Spread of Rumors 138
How to Help When Your Child Is Excluded 141
12 Talking with Kids About Safe Behaviors,
Risky Behaviors, and Violence..............................144
Helping Children Avoid Dangerous Situations 144
Keeping Your Kids Away from the Wrong Crowd 146
Talking About Drugs 149
Talking About Smoking and Alcohol 152
Talking with Preteens About Sex 155
Are Video Games and Violent TV Shows Too Real? 157
Teaching Kids Not to Hate 160
Part 3 ■ Nurturing Relationships 165
13 Family Ties ..........................................................169
Making Family Quality Time 169
Work Family Time into Your Work Schedule 171
“Did I Promise That?” 175
When Mom Says Yes but Dad Says No 177
14 Sibling Rivalry ....................................................180
Solving “Trivial” Problems 180
“She Gets More Playdates than Me!” 183
Don’t Play the Blame Game 185
Stop Sibling Rivalry over Rules and Privileges 188
Sibling Spats: They’re Not Always Bad 190
15 Peers ....................................................................193
“Mommy, No One Likes Me” 193
Help Children Appreciate Others’ Tastes 196
viii • Contents
“My Child Always Assumes the Worst” 198
“My Child Brags Too Much” 200
Hobbies Can Help Kids Make Friends 202
Part 4 ■ Building Life Skills 205
16 Listening..............................................................209
Listening in School 209
“Is Anybody Listening?” 211
“Do I Really Listen to My Child?” 213
Beyond Listening: Talking So Everyone Is Heard 215
17 Responsibility ......................................................219
“Is the Middle of the Floor a Good Place for Your Toys?” 219
The Chore Wars 221
“Why Is My Child So Forgetful?” 223
“Do It Yourself!” 225
Should I Give My Child an Allowance? 228
18 School, Homework, and Learning..........................231
Who Does the Homework? 231
Homework: When to Do It 234
Nurture a Love of Reading 237
Use Sports to Teach Math 240
Dads: An Important Ingredient of Academic Success 242
Epilogue ..............................................................247
References ..........................................................249
Index....................................................................257