The S&M Feminist: Also check out Clarisse's - Smashwords

110 Pages·2012·0.56 MB·English

by  Lydia Laurenson

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The S&M Feminist:
Best of Clarisse Thorn
FREE SAMPLE
Buy the longer version at:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/166178
In paperback: https://www.createspace.com/3878670
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Clarisse Thorn
Smashwords Edition
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clarissethorn.com
@ClarisseThorn
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This free ebook is copyright 2012 Clarisse Thorn. I certainly have mixed feelings about
modern copyright law... but I've put an enormous amount of time and effort into my
writing, and I make my living as a writer. So I ask you to please respect my time and
effort, and observe copyright laws as they apply to this ebook. This book may be
reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the
book remains in its complete original form. In other words, you're welcome to share it
with your friends. Also, check out the Electronic Frontier Foundation at [ http://eff.org ],
a nonprofit that protects free speech on the Internet and does lots of awesome work
around copyright issues.
Cover image copyright 2002 Clarisse Thorn.
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Also check out Clarisse's awesome book
Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser!
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There's a huge subculture of men who trade tips, tricks, and tactics for seducing women.
Clarisse Thorn, a feminist S&M writer and activist, spent years researching these guys.
She observed their discussions, watched them in action, and learned their strategies. By
the end, she'd given a lecture at a seduction convention. This is her story -- and her
theories about feminism and seduction to boot.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/144451
In paperback: https://www.createspace.com/3830583
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If you're afraid of pain, you have to find out what pain is.
~ Marina Abramovic
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I'd like to thank all the brave pioneers of the BDSM community, for exploring the reaches
of human sexuality, and coming back with maps.
~ an unsourced quotation offered by one of Clarisse's blog commenters
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I think of Clarisse as the John Stuart Mills of sexuality.
~ one of Clarisse's ex-boyfriends
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People's ability to understand their own emotional and physical experiences and
sensations is limited by what is safe to ask or know, what systems of interpretation they
have received for screening that raw material, and whether they find it possible to
connect with anyone who thinks differently about these matters.
~ Pat Califia
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Abuse of power comes as no surprise.
~ Jenny Holzer
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Notes, Acknowledgments and Resources
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For this free sample, I chose 14 articles that I most wanted to get out there. But since I
started my blog in 2008, I've written dozens of articles, and I'm not afraid to say that a lot
of them are really good. You can buy the full Best Of Clarisse Thorn on Smashwords
here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/166178
It's available in paperback here: https://www.createspace.com/3878670
I had a privileged upbringing. My education and safety nets are the biggest reasons I'm
able to do the work that I do, and I try not to forget that. I have been blessed with parents,
friends, and lovers who have supported me both emotionally and intellectually. Since this
is a "Best Of" my blog, I want to particularly acknowledge the commenters who have
contributed their perspective to my blog, and the other bloggers who have responded to
me and cross-posted my work. There are too many to name, but thank you all so much.
I try to keep my writing as accessible as possible. One way I do that is by avoiding jargon
and by using terms that I think most people will recognize. I often write "S&M" instead
of "BDSM," for example; and when I'm using technical S&M language like "top" or
"bottom" or "scene," I try to define the words as I go along. But sometimes I slip into
jargon by accident. Also, plenty of S&M terms are super useful, and giving a quick
overview of S&M language can go a long way towards describing S&M culture. Hence, I
have included a Glossary at the end of this book. Many of the terms in the Glossary aren't
terms that I use in this book, but you might find it useful or interesting anyway. (I also
included a few terms that come from other subcultures, such as polyamory or queer
studies.)
I've received a lot of feedback over the years informing me that I'm the "gateway drug"
into feminism for some readers. That's kind of cool, but I want to make it clear that if
you're just now getting into feminism, there's lots of other stuff to learn before you draw
any conclusions. Feminism is a huge, varied, rich movement with lots of history, schisms,
and discontents. Also, in case it needs to be said, I'm not the only feminist who does
S&M. There are others, some of whom love my work and some of whom disagree with
me frequently.
One advantage of the blog format, as opposed to more traditional formats, is that each
post can contain tons of hyperlinks -- and each article has comment space, so there can be
fascinating discussions that explore each topic more deeply. (Of course, there can also be
silly, boring, or offensive discussions.) As soon as a blog becomes moderately successful,
it develops its own community of regular commenters, and mine is no exception.
Facilitating and moderating these discussions can be amazingly fun and interesting. It can
also be stressful and exhausting. As a commenter community evolves, it shapes how
other people read the blog's articles and comment on them; sometimes the community
will develop norms or tendencies that make certain people feel more comfortable -- or
less comfortable. I've tried to control this with my blog so that it's a welcoming
environment for most people, but I have such a diverse range of commenters that it's
sometimes quite difficult.
I bring all this up because, if you're intrigued by some of the articles you read in this
book, I encourage you to check out the original post. In this book, I've made a lot of
hyperlinks into footnotes, but not all of them. More importantly, if you look at the
original post, you can read the comments. But my commenter community has changed
over time. Sometimes it's more feminist, for example, and sometimes it's less feminist. So
just be aware, if you read the comments, that the range of opinions may not reflect any
group that would assemble elsewhere on the planet; that a different community might
produce really different comments; and that other articles might have really different
discussions.
If you've already read my incredibly awesome book Confessions of a Pickup Artist
Chaser, then thank you! (Bonus points if you can pick out all the parts of Confessions
that I pulled verbatim from articles included in this book.) If you haven't read
Confessions, then please check that out, too.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/144451
Paperback copies of Confessions: https://www.createspace.com/3830583
I powered this ebook almost entirely with my own strangely obsessive energy, so you can
blame me for any mistakes. If you find coding errors, broken internal links, or whatever,
then I invite you to email me and let me know so I can update the file! I'm available at
[email protected].
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BDSM Resources
BDSM is a 6-for-4 deal of an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance,
Submission, Sadism, and/or Masochism. Some people call it S&M, B&D, leather, fetish,
or kink. BDSM can mean very different things to different people, and there are a lot of
activities that can fall under the BDSM umbrella; such activities might include spanking,
Master/slave role-playing, handcuffs, cages, rape fantasies, razor blades, or all kinds of
other things.
I mention a lot of resources in the articles that I've included in this book, but I wanted to
include an overview at the beginning, too.
Hands down, I believe that one of the most important resources within the BDSM
community is the Kink Aware Professionals list. If you are seeking medical, legal or
other professional help for a problem that is influenced by alternative sexuality, there is
probably someone on the list who can help you. When I was going through my own
complicated and difficult BDSM coming-out process, I tried two therapists from the KAP
list. One of them didn't really get me, but the second was wonderfully helpful -- so, if
you're looking for a therapist, don't be afraid to shop around until you find the right fit.
The list is here: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-
directory-homepage.html
Books
My personal favorite beginner BDSM books are The New Topping Book and The New
Bottoming Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. If you look for those books on
Amazon.com, you will also see a lot of interesting related books in the "Customers Who
Bought This Item Also Bought" section. I remember liking Jay Wiseman's SM101,
although I know some people who have mixed feelings about it; a number of people
recommend Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon,
but I've never read it myself.
If you're thinking of coming out to a loved one, I recommend the book When Someone
You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine W. Liszt. I've also heard good things
about the "Parents of Alternative Sexuality" pamphlet by Dr. Amy Marsh.
If you, like me, are particularly attracted to the idea of needle piercing, there's a great
book called Play Piercing by Deborah Addington.
If you're more interested in getting a feel for common BDSM philosophies and what the
BDSM community is like -- an anthropological perspective, one might say -- then there's
a book by Mark Thompson called Leatherfolk, and a newer one by Staci Newmahr called
Playing at the Edge.
Online
I usually direct total newbies to this BDSM 101 page by Franklin Veaux:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
As it happens, the same writer has a good Polyamory 101, too: http://www.xeromag.com/
fvpoly.html
There are a lot of websites on BDSM, and they aren't all carefully edited or moderated; so
if you can manage it, then I suggest you try to get hold of one of the above how-to books.
That said... overall, one of the best online BDSM resources is FetLife.com, the kinky
social networking site. Once you have an account, you can join a huge variety of
discussion groups about BDSM. FetLife is not a dating site; it’s more like a kinky
Facebook (seriously). I think that there are important problems with how FetLife is
structured. For example, there’s no way to search for past topics, which is ridiculous; this
means that the research process for finding discussions is incredibly weird. The BDSM
activist maymay has written intelligently about many issues with FetLife:
http://maybemaimed.com/2011/03/20/fetlife-considered-harmful/
But the fact remains that FetLife is a huge gathering place.
Another good online resource is the amazing sex education site Scarleteen.com.
Scarleteen offers a ton of advice on a ton of sexual topics, and has its own message
boards.
The site KinkAcademy.com has received some good reviews, and features video tutorials
by some people who are pretty well-known in the community. You have to buy a
membership, though.
The BDSM writer Ranai from Germany has labored long and hard to make an amazingly
comprehensive, international, multilingual directory of kink resources. I haven't gone
through it extensively, but every time Ranai comments on my blog she's brilliant, so I'm
sure her directory is brilliant too. Here's the directory: http://ranai.wordpress.com/kink-
resources/
There are so many BDSM blogs that I could never count them all. I want to direct special
attention to Kink Research Overviews, an abandoned but still excellent blog that profiles
the sparse and scattershot research on BDSM: http://kinkresearch.blogspot.com/2009/10/
welcome-to-kink-research.html
In Person
If you've decided that you want to start attending workshops, discussion groups, parties,
or other BDSM events in person, please keep in mind that not everyone is going to mesh
well with their local BDSM groups. If you don't like your local BDSM group, then don't
force yourself to participate! That said, I generally encourage people to get into their
local community, because it truly can be an amazing resource -- it's way more than just a
place to meet partners.
If you make an account on FetLife, you may be able to join groups for your area (for
example, if you live in Chicago, then you should look for Chicago groups), where local
issues or events will be discussed and publicized.
For those aged 18-35, many major cities have branches of The Next Generation, a.k.a. the
local "kinky youth group."
Otherwise, just Google around. It's much easier these days than it was for our parents.
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Lectures, Workshops and Events
I'm not just a writer -- I also give lectures and workshops, and organize events. Here's a
short list of some of the lectures, workshops and events I offer:
* Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser. There's a whole subculture out there devoted
to teaching men how to seduce women. Over the last few years, these underground
"pickup artists" have slowly surfaced into the popular consciousness, with the help of
bestselling books like Neil Strauss's The Game and hit reality shows like VH1′s The
Pick-Up Artist. I spent two years doing on-and-off research into these Casanovas. In this
lecture I discuss my experiences talking to pickup artists, learning their techniques,
understanding their community frameworks and norms, and eventually giving them tips
on how to seduce women... all of which culminated in my book, Confessions of a Pickup
Artist Chaser: Long Interviews With Hideous Men. This presentation was originally
created for a lunchtime talk at the Center for Gender Studies at the University of Chicago,
and I can deliver it in 90 minutes or less.
* Leadership in the Bedroom: A Sexual Communication Workshop. Down-to-earth
tips and ideas on how to communicate clearly about sex. This workshop was originally
requested by the University of Illinois at Chicago, but I've given versions of it at other
venues as well. It was one of the first workshops I ever designed, and I'm currently
working on streamlining it and making it more interactive. I can do it in an hour, but it's
really better with two hours.
* BDSM Overview. Imagery deriving from bondage, discipline, dominance, submission,
and sadomasochism (BDSM) is becoming commonplace -- and we all know (or think we
know) what a dominatrix is -- but most people don't have much idea of what BDSM
actually involves. Although it is increasingly accepted as an alternative sexual
orientation, BDSM remains surrounded by stigma, scandal and occasional legal action.
This presentation covers the basics of BDSM (however, it's not a how-to lecture -- you
aren't going to learn how to use a whip, though you'll learn where to go to find out!). I
prefer to poll the audience to see what they want to cover on top of that -- BDSM history?
cultural landmarks? BDSM & feminism? legal issues? I've got it all! I have given this
lecture more than any other. It can be squished into an hour, but I prefer two hours.
* Sex-Positivity for Everyone! Including the Mens! What is masculinity or male
advocacy as a movement, and how is it in dialogue with contemporary feminism? Can it
be incorporated into feminism, or can the values of the sex-positive feminist community
speak to its concerns? What does positive, productive talk about masculinity sound like? I
talk about all this in a short lecturette and then facilitate small discussions on kinky male
sexuality, men in the pickup artist community, and men who buy sex. This workshop was
originally requested by the University of Chicago, and based on feedback from that
experience and others, I have been adapting it. It should take about 90 minutes.
* The Sex+++ Film Series at Jane Addams Hull-House Museum and related film
screenings. I have now overseen many many screenings of sex-positive documentaries,
and facilitated followup discussions afterwards. In the past I have done this primarily to
accomplish my own activist educational goals or to raise funds for deserving institutions,
but I'd be happy to run a screening or two upon request. Please note, however, that I don't
own the rights to all the films I've screened, and so if you want me to run a screening for
you, you may need to budget extra in order to cover the rights. I started the Sex+++ Film
Series at Chicago's Jane Addams Hull-House Museum, and as I write this in 2012, the
film series is in its fourth year. You can look at the film series calendar here:
http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2011/03/17/the-sex-positive-documentary-film-list-2011-
2012/
I would certainly be willing to design a new workshop or lecture upon request -- in fact,
two of the above events were created at the request of the institutions that invited me.
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Table of Contents
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Here's a link to go back to The Very Beginning.
Here's a link to the Glossary.
Throughout this book, footnotes will look like links in the text. Click the link to go to the
footnote. At the end of each footnote I've included a backlink to the context you came
from.
I write both personal narratives, and cultural analysis. Almost all my writing mixes the
two, but most of my pieces incline more towards one than the other. Accordingly, I've
tagged all the articles in this book as either [storytime] or [theory].
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S&M [storytime]: Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
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Education [theory]: Liberal, Sex-Positive Sex Education: What's Missing
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Communication [storytime]: Sex Communication Case Studies
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Manliness [theory]: Questions I Want To Ask Entitled Cis Het Men
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Relationships [storytime]: Chemistry
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Feminism [theory]: "Inherent Female Submission": The Wrong Question
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Manliness [theory]: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fight Club , and the Complications of Male
Dominance
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Feminism [theory]: Towards My Personal Sex-Positive 101
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Orgasmic "Dysfunction" [storytime]: A Unified Theory of Orgasm
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Boundaries [storytime]: Orgasms Aren't My Favorite Part of Sex, and My Chastity Urge
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S&M [theory]: BDSM As A Sexual Orientation, and Complications of the Orientation
Model
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Abuse [theory]: The Alt Sex Anti-Abuse Dream Team
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Abuse [theory]: Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse
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S&M [storytime]: The Strange Binary of Dominance and Submission
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About The Author
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Footnotes
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Glossary
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S&M:
[storytime] Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
The events of this story took place between 2005-2008; I wrote it in fits and starts over
the span of 2006-2008. I started blogging as Clarisse Thorn in 2008, but my coming-out
story wasn't published until early 2010, when Time Out Chicago picked it up. I look over
this piece today, in 2012, and I think about what I would have written differently if I'd
had the hyper-focused feminist sex educator instincts that I have now. I would have
written differently about consent, and I would have written differently about the
communication that happened with my partners about my consent. I would have talked
about how the S&M subculture isn't always welcoming for everybody, though it feels
welcoming for me. Plus, I'm no longer practicing monogamy; I'm polyamorous these
days.
But at the time, my goal was to do two things: (1) write out how S&M stigma felt for me,
as a young feminist, and to talk about how I was overcoming it. And (2) show that
sometimes a partner just isn't good for you, even if he has a quality that you really really
want -- and you can always walk away.
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Love Bites: An S&M Coming-Out Story
I was very drunk. My perceptions had a frame-by-frame quality, and the evening didn't
seem immediate: pieces of it were foreign, disconnected as a dream. I was being bitten
very hard on the arm. It would leave marks the next day.
I was so muddled by assorted things that even now I can't sort out how I felt at that
moment. When Richard's nails scored my skin I gasped, but I didn't ask him to stop. I
flinched away, but he kept a firm grip on me. "Beg for mercy," he said softly.
Frame. Skip. I discovered that a mutual friend of ours had seen us, stopped, and was
sitting on the grass across from Richard. "Hey," he said. "You shouldn't do that."
"It's okay," Richard said, "she likes it," and pulled my hair hard enough to force me to
bow my head. I do? I managed to think, before thought vanished back into the blur of
alcohol and pain. Our friend's face loomed over me, concern sketched vividly on his
features.
I closed my eyes.
"Mercy," I whispered.
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Later, Richard reminded me of something I said that night: "I wish I'd met you years
ago." Thinking hard, I could only recall the evening in broad strokes. We'd gotten drunk
at an outdoor party; he'd hurt me a bit; I'd said that; and then I'd staggered off to help
clean up.
"A lot of crap comes out when you do this stuff," he now said. A few weeks had passed. I
was lying on my stomach across the foot of his bed. Sitting perpendicular to me, he
leaned back and propped his feet on the small of my back. Thin and pale, he tended to
wear black, and had intense dark eyes. It was summer in 2005. I was twenty years old.
He'd asked me why I wanted to be hurt. I couldn't work out an answer -- wasn't certain
the question was valid -- so I asked him why he liked to hurt people. He'd half-laughed,
with a tone that I couldn't evaluate. Ruefully? "That's a long, dark road," he'd said.
"How do you know?" I asked, irritated by his presumption, nervously curious. I wasn't
sure I was what he thought I was -- wasn't sure what had been going on that night,
beyond alcohol dulling my reactions and feelings. But I knew I hadn't been abused or
violated. I hadn't asked him to stop, and I wanted to figure out why. "How did you know
about me?"
"I can tell," he said, and grinned. "With you, it was obvious." He paused, added quietly,
"You were begging for it."
A couple of hours later, we remained fully clothed, my face was buried in his pillow, and
I was crying. He'd pinned me down so I couldn't move, and was raking his nails across
what was exposed of my tank-topped back. When Richard first spotted the tears, he'd
asked if I wanted a break. I'd said that it was okay, that he should continue, that I was
fine.
I felt myself fragmenting, desperation and terror and pain pouring through me in an
unbearable, necessary torrent. I told myself over and over that it didn't hurt that much, but
I couldn't stop myself from tensing, crying out. After a while, I found myself saying,
"No."
I felt him check himself, shifting his weight from my back. "Can we clarify something?"
he asked gently. "Do you really want me to stop when you say no?"
No, I realized, I don't, and something vital in my psyche seemed to snap. The tears
overwhelmed me. I couldn't get an answer out through my sobs, but even if I could have,
I haven't the faintest idea what I might have said.
"We should take a break," he decided, and moved away. I'll never forget the relief -- and
desolation -- I felt as he did.