The New Science of Intimate Relationships

329 Pages·2002·0.85 MB·English

by  Garth Fletcher

The New Science of Intimate Relationships
The New Science of Intimate
Relationships
Garth J. O. Fletcher
Contents
Copyright © Garth J. O. Fletcher 2002
The right of Garth J. O. Fletcher to be identified as author of this work has been
asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published 2002
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Blackwell Publishers Inc.
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Blackwell Publishers Ltd
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Fletcher, Garth J. O.
The new science of intimate relationships / Garth J. O. Fletcher.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references
ISBN 0–631–22077–1 (alk. paper) — ISBN 0–631–22078–X (alk. paper)
1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.
BF575.I5 .F54 2002
158.2—dc21
2001003941
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Typeset in 10 on 12.5 pt Photina
by Ace Filmsetting Ltd, Frome, Somerset
Printed in Great Britain by T.J. International, Padstow, Cornwall
This book is printed on acid-free paper.
iv
Contents
Contents
Preface vii
1 The New Science of Intimate Relationships 1
Part I: Three Theoretical Planks 21
2 The Intimate Relationship Mind: Theories about
Theories about Theories 23
3 The Origins of the Intimate Relationship Mind 50
4 Love and Other Emotions in Intimate Relationships 76
Part II: The Development of Intimate
Relationships 103
5 Reading Minds and Personalities in Intimate
Relationships 105
6 Communication and Relationship Success 125
7 Attachment and Intimacy 149
8 Selecting Mates and Relationships 169
Part III: Sex and Violence 195
9 Sex and Passion 197
10 The Strange Case of Aggression in Intimate
Relationships 230
v
Contents
Part IV: Conclusion 255
11 Assembling the Intimate Relationship Mind 257
Notes 272
References 291
Index 316
vi
Preface
Preface
Beginning to write a book feels a bit like I imagine the experience of
standing at the start of a trek across the Antarctic or a climb up Mount
Everest. I do not know how other people manage this forbidding writ-
ing stage, but my strategy is to tell all and sundry that I intend to write
such a book. After six months of such public declarations, I have worked
myself into a psychological corner. If I do not start writing I stand to
lose substantial face (or I am forced to tell lies). I started writing this
book about three years ago. Book writing is never a full-time job for an
academic. It has to be written in spasmodic bursts among a multitude
of other activities including research, data analysis, other academic writing
projects, grant-proposal writing, teaching, editing work, thesis supervi-
sion, and administrative work.
I have written this book mostly from the University of Canterbury in
Christchurch, New Zealand, which usually strikes people as being lo-
cated about as far away as it is possible to get from everywhere else.
Fortunately, however, geographical distance does not matter much in
today’s world, with the existence of e-mail, powerful literature search
engines, the Web, file attachments, and so forth. However, there is no
replacement for personal contact and conversation with scientific col-
leagues when it comes to thrashing out ideas and keeping in touch with
science at the coal face. I have been able to accomplish this through a
research grant from the New Zealand Marsden Fund, along with gen-
erous financial aid from the University of Canterbury. These bodies
have enabled me to travel every year to conferences and to universities
in Europe, Australia, and the USA. I also thank the psychology depart-
ments at the University of Macquarie in Sydney, the University of A&M
at Texas, and the University of California at Riverside, for giving me
the space and resources to work there for periods of time over the last
vii
Preface
three years. Julie Fitness, Jeffry Simpson and David Funder respectively
arranged and sponsored these stays, and provided stellar levels of com-
panionship and intellectual intercourse to boot.
My aim in writing this book was to package and write about the
innovative research and theorizing in scientific domains, concerned with
intimate relationships, in such a fashion that it would be palatable and
interesting to a lay audience, to psychology students, and to scientists
and academics in fields other than psychology. Even my academic col-
leagues toiling in the same scientific vineyards as me may find what I
have said to be of some value or interest. But, although I have struck a
personal and conversational writing tone, I have striven to be true to
the science, not to fudge important controversies, and to deal head on
with complex and weighty material and arguments. One rule I have
followed is to never rely on the interpretations or quotes from second-
ary sources, but to read the original material, whether it be research
articles, ethnographies, theoretical pieces, or books. I have learnt a lot
in researching for this book, and I have gained an even keener apprecia-
tion for the incredible quantity of thoughtful and intelligent research
and theorizing being carried out in our universities and research insti-
tutions – I trust I have done it justice.
Science is a vast international club in which individuals meet at regu-
lar conventions and are involved in constant dialogue. It can be a harsh
environment, because it involves the public scrutiny and criticism of
ideas and research. However, a spirit of generosity and collegial support
also prevails. I have asked many people to read specific chapters in this
book in which they possess expertise. They have almost all responded
willingly and have caught a good many mistakes and dubious interpre-
tations, along with advancing many helpful suggestions. I could not
have written this book without their help. They are Mark Baldwin, Russil
Durrant, Bruce Ellis, Julie Fitness, Elaine Hatfield, Geoff Thomas, Anne
Peplau, David Funder, Sandra Murray, John Holmes, Tom Bradbury,
Geoffrey Miller, David Buss, Margo Wilson, Robert Brush, Mike
Stoolmiller, Thomas Keenan, Beryl Fletcher, Ron Dahl, Simon Kemp,
Bill Ickes, and Greg Newbold.
In addition, I heartily thank Jeffry Simpson, Roy Baumeister, and
Anne Peplau, all of whom graciously offered to read the entire manu-
script.
I also owe a debt of gratitude to the graduate students at the Univer-
sity of Canterbury who have worked with me as researchers and col-
viii
Preface
leagues, and who have discussed many of the issues in this book with
me personally or together as a group in our regular meetings. I espe-
cially thank Megan Stenswick, Jacqui Tither, Nickola Overall, and Claire
O’Loughlin, who, above and beyond the course of duty, have willingly
read, proofed, and commented in detail upon, the entire book.
I thank, above all, my good friend and colleague Jeffry Simpson. Jeff
introduced me to evolutionary psychology, and has spent an inordinate
amount of time discussing and debating issues in the science of inti-
mate relationships with me over the years. Jeff’s scholarship, intelli-
gence, integrity, and generosity represent an ideal for others to aspire
to.
I thank the team at Blackwell Publishers, especially Sarah Bird and
Angela Cohen, for their enthusiasm, support, and advice, and extend
my appreciation to Eldo Barkhuizen for his expert on-screen editing of
the electronic manuscript.
Finally, and at the risk of making this preface sound like a speech
after winning an Oscar, I thank Cynthia Upchurch for inspiring me to
write such a book in the first place.
Any mistakes, errors, omissions, or flaws remaining in the book are,
of course, mine alone.
Enjoy.
ix
The New ScienCceh oaf Ipnttiemra t1e Relationships
The New Science of
Intimate Relationships
The emergence of a science of relationships represents a frontier –
perhaps the last major frontier – in the study of humankind.
Berscheid & Peplau, 1983
The first known academic treatise on intimate relationships was Plato’s
Symposium, written approximately 2,300 years ago. In this historic docu-
ment Aristophanes tells a curious tale of a mythical being that was spheri-
cal in form with two complete sets of arms, legs, and genitalia. Because
of the strength and speed of these creatures (they cartwheeled around
on their four arms and four legs), they posed a threat to the gods.
Accordingly, Zeus split them in half and rearranged their genitals so
that they were forced to embrace front on in order to have sexual rela-
tions. Some of the original beings had two sets of male genitalia, some
had two sets of female genitalia, and some had one set of female and
one set of male genitalia. Thus, procreation of the species was only
possible by members of the original male-female creatures getting to-
gether. Possibly in deference to the sexual orientation of some of his
audience, or to the politically correct tenor of the time, Aristophanes
was quick to add that males who sought union with other males were
“bold and manly,” whereas the individuals who originated from the
androgynous creatures were adulterers or promiscuous women.1 Re-
gardless of sexual orientation, the need for love is, thus, born of the
longing to reunite with one’s long-lost other half and achieve an an-
cient unity destroyed by the gods.
As this allegory suggests, individuals are alone and incomplete – an
isolation that can be banished, or at least ameliorated, when humans
pair off and experience the intimacy that can be gained in a close rela-
tionship. Such intimacy, the experience of reuniting with one’s long-
lost other half, reaches its peak in parent–baby bonding, and in the
1