The Darwin awards : evolution in action

343 Pages·2000·1.55 MB·English

by  Wendy Northcutt

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EVOLUTION IN ACTION
Wendy Northcutt
A PLUME BOOK
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The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action contains cautionary tales of misadventure.
It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide.
The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection:
Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences
are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and
stay alive
For further information about how to avoid the scythe of natural selection,
read Darwin’s lessons on safety, science, and the social implications of evolution.
Safety Class
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/teach.html
PLUME
Published by the Penguin Group,
Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London W8 5TZ, England
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia
Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V3B2
Penguin Books (N.Z.) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England
Published by Plume, a member of Penguin Putnam, Inc.
Previously published in a Dutton edition.
Copyright ©Wendy Northcutt, 2000
All rights reserved.
Northcutt, Wendy.
The Darwin Awards : evolution in action / Wendy Northcutt.
p. cm.
ISBN 0 7865 2687 4
Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copyright infringe-
ment
and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil liability.
First edition (electronic): July 2002
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To my sister Elizabeth, who encouraged me to blaze
my own path. To my parents, because the apple doesn’t
fall far from the tree. And to Jacob, who appreciates
my oddly successful impetuousness and provided
clever chapter titles.
Warm thanks to editor Mitch Hoffman and agent
Andrew Stuart, whose expert hands helped shape this
book, and to my Philosophy Forum members for their
stimulating conversations.
And to Ian.
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Whilst this planet has gone on cycling
according to the fixed law of gravity, endless
forms most beautiful and most wonderful have
been, and are being, evolved.
—Charles Darwin in The Origin of Species
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Contents
The Darwin Awards: What Are They? 1
Survival of the Fittest 1
Rules and Eligibility 2
Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution 7
Uncommon Common Sense 11
History and Internet Culture 13
Advice on Reading the Stories 15
CHAPTER 1
Natural Selection: Animal Misadventures 17
Can Animals Win Darwin Awards? 17
Darwin Award: In a Pig’s Eye 21
Darwin Award: Killer Whale Rodeo 23
Darwin Award: Playing with Cats 26
Darwin Award: Hungry Python Kills Owner 27
Darwin Award: Poisonous Pets 29
Darwin Award: Snake Charmer? 30
Darwin Award: Burmese Python 32
Darwin Award: What’s New, Pussycat? 33
Darwin Award: Wild Animal Lesson 34
Darwin Award: Smarter Animals 36
Darwin Award: Running of the Bulls 37
Darwin Award: Silenced by the Lambs 38
Darwin Award: Human Hitching Post 39
Honorable Mention: Nine Times a Loser 41
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x CONTENTS
Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher 42
Honorable Mention: Woman Disarmed by Tiger 43
Honorable Mention: Don’t Mess with Mama Bear 45
Urban Legend: Man Glued to Rhino Buttocks 46
Personal Account: Bug Repellent 48
Personal Account: Why Kids Leave the Farm 50
CHAPTER 2
Relatively Dangerous: A Family Affair 51
Children and Evolution 51
Darwin Award: Go, Speed Racer, Go 54
Darwin Award: Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires 56
Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens 57
Darwin Award: Father Knows Best 58
Darwin Award: Laughing Gas 60
Darwin Award: Murderous Affair 61
Darwin Award: Avoiding a Fight 63
Darwin Award: Maine Chainsaw Romance 64
Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor 66
Urban Legend: Missionary Miscalculation 67
Personal Account: Accidental Safe Sex 68
Personal Account: Wives with Chloroform 69
CHAPTER 3
“I Fought the Law ...”: Stupid Criminal Tricks 71
If Evolution Works, Why So Many Idiots? 71
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie 74
Darwin Award: Copper Caper 75
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CONTENTS xi
Darwin Award: Good Trumps Evil at Church 76
Darwin Award: Jumping Jack Cash 77
Darwin Award: Tired of It All 78
Darwin Award: Modus Operandi Misfires 79
Darwin Award: Restaurant Thief 80
Darwin Award: Dum Dum Boutique 81
Darwin Award: Scrap Metal Thieves 82
Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place 83
Darwin Award: Clumsy Canadian Burglar 84
Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction 85
Darwin Award: Rob Your Neighbor 86
Honorable Mention: Pick Your Target 88
Honorable Mention: Armed and Dangerous? 89
Honorable Mention: Poor Sense of Direction 90
Honorable Mention: Airbag Weapons 91
Honorable Mention: Mis-Steak 92
Honorable Mention: Wile E. Coyote of Burglars 93
Honorable Mention: Limo and Latte Burglar 94
Honorable Mention: Spare Some Change? 95
Honorable Mention: Three Times a Loser 96
Honorable Mention: Sunny Side Up 97
Honorable Mention: Official Drug Test 98
Honorable Mention: Klutzy Crook 99
Personal Account: Compacted Ignorance 100
Personal Account: Gangster Blues 102
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xii CONTENTS
CHAPTER 4
Up in Smoke: Fire and Explosions 103
Awards for Priests and Gays? 103
Darwin Award: Living on Zionist Time 106
Darwin Award: Firefighters Ignite! 107
Darwin Award: Igniting Fireworks the Easy Way 108
Darwin Award: Justice Is Served 109
Darwin Award: No Smoking? Ha! 110
Darwin Award: Dynamite and Boats Don’t Mix 112
Darwin Award: Up in Smoke 113
Darwin Award: Cigarette Lighter Triggers Fatal Explosion 115
Darwin Award: Lights Out 116
Honorable Mention: Chimney Safety 118
Honorable Mention: I Just Flicked My Bic! 119
Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires 120
Urban Legend: Cow Bomb 122
Urban Legend: Raccoon Rocket 123
Urban Legend: Hydrogen Beer Disaster 125
Urban Legend: Cell Phone Destroys Gas Station 128
Personal Account: Elemental Mistake 129
Personal Account: Is It Loaded? 130
Personal Account: Final Flick of Bic 131
CHAPTER 5
Leaps of Faith: Fatal Falls 133
John F. Kennedy Jr. 133
Darwin Award: Don’t Drink and Fly 138
Darwin Award: Lawyer Aloft 140
Darwin Award: Stoned Sleep 141
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CONTENTS xiii
Darwin Award: Homegrown Parachute 142
Darwin Award: Yosemite Parachute Safety 145
Darwin Award: Shocking Fall 147
Darwin Award: Bungee Jumper 148
Darwin Award: Bridge Bonzai 149
Darwin Award: One for the Birds 150
Personal Account: Leap of Faith 151
Personal Account: One, Two, Three, Heave! 153
Urban Legend: Misadventure at the Metallica Concert 155
Urban Legend: Power Plant Fitness Freak 158
Personal Account: Leveled 160
CHAPTER 6
Military Intelligence: Uninformed Men 161
Historical Darwin Awards 161
Darwin Award: Intelligence Blunders 164
Darwin Award: Hanging Around Jail 165
Darwin Award: Peeper Plummets 166
Darwin Award: Dead Spitter 167
Darwin Award: New Dating Technique 168
Darwin Award: Resistance Is Futile 169
Darwin Award: Wait for Me! 170
Personal Account: Industrious Brain-Dead Private 172
Personal Account: 5 Soldiers, 6 Police, 0 Brains 174
Personal Account: Jet Ski Jock 176
Personal Account: North Pacific Deckpecker 178
Personal Account: Flack Vest Testing 180
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