The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationships

221 Pages·2016·8.86 MB·English

by  Julie de Azevedo Hanks, Riane Eisler

“Julie de Azevedo Hanks has provided women with a much-
needed and long-a waited resource for self-e xpression. Her com-
passionate and informative voice gently guides readers through
potential obstacles with hands-o n strategies, which are validating
and empowering. The Assertiveness Guide for Women is a must-
read for anyone seeking the support and tools essential for honest
and healthy communication.”
—K aren Kleiman, MSW, founder of The Postpartum
Stress Center, and author of several books on postpartum
depression, including Therapy and the Postpartum Woman
“The Assertiveness Guide for Women offers the skills you need to
change and empower your life—i ncluding strengthening valuable
relationships! Julie de Azevedo Hanks’ down-t o-e arth, warm style
invites you in and shows you you’re not alone, as she provides a
foundation of emotional awareness, understanding, and confi-
dence to enable you to express your truest self. A powerful tool for
women of all ages and stages, this book can, and if followed, will
change you for the best!”
—C hristina G. Hibbert, PsyD, author of This is How
We Grow, Who Am I Without You?, and 8 Keys to
Mental Health Through Exercise
“The Assertiveness Guide for Women provides helpful exercises
and tools that will help any woman find her authentic voice. Julie
de Azevedo Hanks helps readers identify the barriers that get in
the way of assertive communication, and then provides the action
steps necessary for achieving healthy self-e xpression.”
—A my Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally
Strong People Don’t Do
“So many of us have experiences of silencing ourselves—
sometimes for years and years. The Assertiveness Guide for Women
is a powerful book packed with practical, thoughtful suggestions
and poignant real-l ife examples to help us speak up, effectively
express ourselves, and set strong boundaries. You’ll also gain
insights into your own thoughts, feelings, and relationships, and
into your own challenges with being assertive. This book empow-
ers you, even when you feel powerless and undeserving. I truly
wish it was required reading for all women and girls. It’s that
important.”
—M argarita Tartakovsky, MS, writer and associate
editor at www.psychcentral.com
“This informative, accessible guide goes beyond healthy commu-
nication techniques and delves into the psychology that drives
our patterns of relating to others. With thorough information,
relatable examples, and awareness exercises that personalize the
experience, Julie de Azevedo Hanks provides readers with a
highly applicable resource that can transform their relationships
with others and with themselves. In a society that makes
a ssertiveness challenging for many women, this book can be a
life-c hanger.”
—E lizabeth Anne Scott, MS, author of 8 Keys to
Stress Management
T H E
ASSERTIVENESS
GUIDE
f o r
Women
HOW TO
COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS,
SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES &
TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
J U L I E D E A Z E V E D O H A N KS , P h D
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged
in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assis-
tance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2016 by Julie de Azevedo Hanks
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Interior design by Michele Waters-Kermes
Acquired by Melissa Valentine
Edited by Marisa Solís
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: De Azevedo, Julie, author.
Title: The assertiveness guide for women : how to communicate your needs, set
healthy boundaries, and transform your relationships / Julie de Azevedo Hanks ;
foreword by Riane Eisler.
Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, [2016] | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016015122 (print) | LCCN 2016023998 (ebook) | ISBN
9781626253377 (paperback) | ISBN 9781626253384 (pdf e-book) | ISBN
9781626253391 (epub) | ISBN 9781626253384 (PDF e-book) | ISBN
9781626253391 (ePub)
Subjects: LCSH: Assertiveness in women. | Assertiveness (Psychology) | Self-
confidence. | Interpersonal communication. | Interpersonal relations. | BISAC:
PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations. | SELF-HELP / Personal Growth /
Self-Esteem.
Classification: LCC BF575.A85 D42 2016 (print) | LCC BF575.A85 (ebook) | DDC
158.2082--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016015122
18 17 16
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing
To Madeline and Macy: May you always be the main
characters in your lives. Your voices matter…
Contents
Foreword vi
Introduction 1
1 What Does It Mean to Be Asertive? 9
2 Attachment, Emotions, and Assertiveness 29
3 Bariers to Asertive Communication 57
4 Self-R eflection: Exploring Your Relationship Patterns 73
5 Self-A warenes: Identifying Emotions 93
6 S elf-S oothing: Mindfulness and Emotional
Management 107
7 Self-E xpression: Doormat, Sword, and Lantern 131
8 Self-E xpression: Setting Strong Boundaries 147
9 Self-E xpansion: Holding the Lantern 185
Acknowledgments 195
Recommended Reading 199
References 201
Foreword
I wish I could have had this book years ago when, along with
thousands of other women, I suddenly woke up, as if from a
long drugged sleep, and began to question conventional ideas
about what is—a nd is not—“ feminine.”
That was in 1969, and many things have changed since
then. We got rid of some blatantly discriminatory laws, trans-
formed want ads so they were not segregated into “help wanted
male” and “help wanted female” (the latter consisting of dead-
end “helper” jobs), and managed to get legislation aimed at pro-
tecting girls and women from violence, including beatings at
home, which were then pretty much ignored.
But far too much remains the same. Workplaces are still
generally based on a “masculine” model whereby there is little
or no paid parental leave. Political leadership remains a largely
male preserve. And many of us are still brought up to take care