The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse: A Cookbook and Culinary Survival Guide

361 Pages·2014·14.34 MB·English

by  Lauren Wilson

Praise for
The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse
A beautiful, cock-eyed culinary concoction—truly sui generis in its conceit—and
wickedly delicious in the scope of its recipes. Who knew? Flesh-eating zombies
and haute cuisine–eating foodies collide in this trippy, rustic cookbook chock full
of inside dish on both the walking dead and the post apocalyptic larder. This one
gets FIVE SEVERED HEADS (OF LETTUCE)!
—Jay Bonansinga, New York Times bestselling author of
The Walking Dead: Descent, Frozen, and The Sinking of the Eastland
If you’re seeking an indispensable guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse
without losing your lunch, look no further than the pages of this clever and
spirited cookbook. All of your queries (large and bite-sized) are surely answered
within, whether you plan to subsist on foraged edibles, hand-harvested seaweed, or
the bounty of a rooftop farm. Get ready to soak up the genuinely useful tips and
salivate over the trove of recipes. Impending doom never sounded so appetizing.
—Sarah Huck, author of Campfire Cookery: Adventuresome Recipes and
Other Curiosities for the Great Outdoors
The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse is the most comprehensive guide to
eating—and eating well—during an outbreak of the undead ever to be written.
From fine cuisine to edible insects, Ms. Wilson’s knowledge is unmatched, and
her work shows a deep understanding of the qualities and practices necessary for
survival against the undead. In conclusion, I want Lauren Wilson on my zombie
survival team! (Or, failing that, someone who has read her book . . .)
—Scott Kenemore, author of The Zen of Zombie and Zombie, Ohio
For too long, those writing about zombies have obsessed about the living dead
eating human flesh. What about what humans will eat when the undead roam
the earth? Lauren Wilson has finally answered all of your culinary questions. An
essential read for anyone who wants to not only survive the zombie apocalypse,
but thrive!
—Daniel W. Drezner, author of Theories of International Politics and Zombies
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Much more than just a cookbook, The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse
is an essential survival manual for every serious doomsday prepper. Eschewing
ubiquitous chapters on hand-to-hand combat and gun safety, Lauren Wilson’s
apocalyptic guidebook instead focuses on what would really matter for survival—
for who wants to exist in a world populated with zombies if there’s nothing good
to eat (besides humans, of course)?
—Kyle William Bishop, author of American Zombie Gothic
Who knew that my lifelong love of the undead would yield access to some damn
good recipes? Thanks to this book, should the zombie apocalypse ever happen at
least I’ll be well nourished and happy.
—Steven C. Schlozman, MD, assistant professor, Harvard Medical School,
author of The Zombie Autopsies
There are many reasons people find it stimulating or amusing to contemplate
the impending zombie apocalypse: they like to imagine themselves being a good
deal more heroic and/or violent than their current situations allow, they desire
the end of current social/economic arrangements, or they hope for a better world
following the demise of this one. A book such as this revels in a related scenario—
to picture oneself living in comfort and even luxury amidst all the destruction and
chaos . . . If such a reverie appeals to you, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this book.
—Dr. Kim Paffenroth, author of Gospel of the Living Dead
Here’s a thorough exposition of all the skills and practices anyone who wants
to live through the collapse of civilization needs to know. The author covers
all aspects of survival technology in depth and with clarity, and there’s even a
smattering of edible wild plants.
—Wildman Steve Brill, author of Identifying and Harvesting Wild and Medicinal Plants
in Wild (and Not So Wild) Places
A disturbingly delicious and mouth-watering collection of truly apocalyptic
recipes. Who thought the end of the world could be this yummy? Go on . . .
take a bite!
—Jonathan Maberry, New York Times bestselling author
of Rot & Ruin and Fall of the Night
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A COOKBOOK & CULINARY SURVIVAL GUIDE
LAUREN WILSON
Illustrations by KRISTIAN BAUTHUS
An Imprint of BenBella Books, Inc.
Dallas, Texas
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Copyright © 2014 by Lauren Wilson
Illustrations copyright © 2014 by Kristian Bauthus
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used
or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without
written permission except in the case of brief quota-
tions embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.
10300 N. Central Expressway
Suite #530
Dallas, TX 75231
www.smartpopbooks.com
www.benbellabooks.com
Send feedback to [email protected]
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wilson, Lauren.
The art of eating through the zombie apocalypse : a cookbook and culi-
nary survival guide / Lauren Wilson ; illustrations by Kristian Bauthus.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-940363-36-3 (paperback)—ISBN 978-1-940363-37-0
(electronic) 1. Zombies—Humor. 2. Cooking—Humor. 3. Survival—
Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.Z65W55 2014
818'.602—dc23
2014014307
Editing by Leah Wilson Cover illustration by Kristian Bauthus
Copyediting by Brittany Dowdle, Word Cat Cover design by Kit Sweeney
Editorial Services Text design by Faceout Studio
Proofreading by Kimberly Broderick and Amy Zarkos Text composition by Kit Sweeney
Indexing by WordCo Printed by Versa Press
Distributed by Perseus Distribution
www.perseusdistribution.com
To place orders through Perseus Distribution:
Tel: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
E-mail: [email protected]
Significant discounts for bulk sales are available.
Please contact Glenn Yeffeth
at [email protected] or [phone].
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37 Basic Field Dressing & Butchery
41 Apocalyptic Cooking Methods
48 Keeping Clean in the Apocalypse Kitchen
BUGGING IN, or
53
NOUVEAU HOME
CUISINE
In the age of the undead, home cooking takes on
a whole new meaning.
C o n t e n t s 55 Raid, Pillage, & Plunder
(Your Fridge)
58 OVERNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
ix Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse FRENCH TOAST
xiii The Lay of the (Waste)land: About This Book 60 Guerrilla Gardening
xvi Should I Stay or Should I Go?
62 GUERRILLA SCALLION PANCAKES
64 Plan of Attack for Perishables
MISE EN PLACE:
1 66 THE WOK-ING DEAD STIR-FRY
the EPICUREAN’S
67 CHOOSE YOUR OWN GRILLED
APOCALYPTIC
CHEESE ADVENTURE
TOOLKIT 72 APOCALYPSE NOWNIES
Add some zest to basic survival with these 73 The Zpoc Food Pyramid & You
essential supplies. 76 BOY SCOUT MEATLOAF
2 The Savory Survival Tin 77 Building a Rocket Stove
5 The Flee with Flavor Bug-Out Bag 80 THE END OF RA-MAN
83 Eating Out
ESSENTIAL SKILLS
11
of Your Cupboard
for the HUNGRY
86 MENTAL FRUIT LENTIL SOUP
SURVIVOR
88 NO-KNEAD TO PANIC BREAD
During the undead plague, survivors will need
90 When the Yeast Runs Dry
a healthy mix of skills.
91 I WANT MY MOMMY CASSEROLE
12 Water 94 Like a Fine Wine
15 Fire
95 PASTA AGLIO E OH NO!
21 Scavenging
96 NICE RICE PUDDING
24 Foraging
25 Tracking, Hunting, & Trapping 99 Urban Hunting & Foraging
32 Fishing 102 Foraging at the End of the World
v
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112 WEEDS THAT FEED SPRING SALAD 184 Zpoc Pickling
113 GOING GINKGO NUTS 186 Not All Salts Created Equal
115 Apocalyptic Entomophagy 187 FERMENTED PICKLED CUCUMBERS
121 ROASTED CRICKETS 189 IN A DILLY OF A PICKLED BEANS
122 MEALWORM FRIED RICE 190 Building a Root Cellar
125 Raising Mealworms 192 Imbibing at the End of the World
126 Apiculture
195 HONEY & BLACKBERRY MEAD
130 ROASTED TREE RAT 197 Drying, Smoking, Curing, & Brining
131 Bagging Squirrel
199 SQUIRREL JERKY
201 A Post-Apocalyptic Smoker’s Wood
135 Initial Outbreak
Guide
Agriculture: Growing
Incognito 203 Cooking in the
139 Seeds! Well-Stocked Safe House
142 IT’S NOT EASY GROWING GREENS 206 A Hydrated Survivor Is a Happy Survivor
SALAD
208 BLASPHEMOUS BAKED CAULIFLOWER
143 Sprouting for Food
210 TAKE THE BURRITO HIGHS WITH
145 Container Growing
THE LOWS
148 Window Farming
212 It’s a Grind
151 DEAD EASY PEAS
214 FLOUR TORTILLAS
152 LIFE’S CHARD BUT IT WILL BE OKALE
215 Tips for Long-Term Food Storage
153 Rooftop Farming
216 I NEED SOME TLC TVP CHILI
157 KEEP CALM & CARRY ON KILLING
218 Don’t Let the Zpoc Be a Buzzkill
ZOMBIES TEA
220 LIFE IS NOT JUST PEACHY-BLUEBERRY
158 DAWN OF THE BREAD SALAD
COBBLER
160 Vermicomposting
221 PREPPER’S POLENTA CAKE
163 DON’T SHOOT ROASTED ROOTS
223 Zpoc Milk, Eggs, & Butter
165 Putting Up: 225 EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE SALT
Canning, Pickling, COD KOROKKE
Fermenting, & More 227 BUNKER MAYO
168 Canning 228 POWDERED FRESH CHEESE
170 Turning Fruit into Jam 230 PREPPER’S PIZZA
173 IN A STRAWBERRY JAM
175 Fermenting 235 BUGGING OUT, or
178 Fermenting Vegetables EATING on the RUN
181 DOWN & OUT SAUERKRAUT How the fleeing survivor can get three square meals
without losing their head.
vvii Contents
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237 Living Off the (Waste)Land 294 Other Types of Field Rations
240 WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK TUNA MAC 297 SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT HAS
242 Building a Bevy Can Burner FRUIT CRUMBLED
298 ZOMBPOCALYPSE PARTY MIX
244 BACK TO BASICS BANNOCK
299 PATRIOTIC DUNK-A-MROOS
245 TWINKIE TRIFLE
247 The Incredible, Edible Spam 300 LIVING LIKE A GI FRIED RICE
301 CHICKEN POTPIE À LA RESCUE CAMP
247 END TIMES MUSUBI
249 WASTELAND CUPCAKES
303 The Long Haul
251 Into the Wild 306 Criteria for Your Long-Haul Bug-Out
Location
255 Wild Game Hunting during an Undead
Uprising 307 Long-Haul Aquatic Farming in Maine
261 SPIT-ROASTED PHEASANT 309 Under-Dock Shellfish Gardening
314 OYSTERS À LA ZPOC
263 GET YOUR UNDEAD PAWPAWS OFF
ME COMPOTE 315 Foraging Kelp at the End of the World
264 The Offal Truth about the Zpoc 319 ICHIBAN DASHI 2.0
266 THE VENISON HEART OF THE 320 Long-Haul Mud Oven
MATTER 325 Making Your Own Sea Salt
269 Earth Oven 326 LIFE IS BEACHY BUBBLE ’N’ SQUEAK
270 HOLY ARTICHOKES!
272 Bushcraft & Improvised Cooking 331 About the Author and Illustrator
Implements 333 Recipe Index
275 It’s Autumn, Go Nuts!
278 AH NUTS-CRUSTED RABBIT
280 Food Preservation in the Wild
283 Army Rations:
Having Fun with MREs
286 WTF is an MRE?
288 REFUGEE GORP
289 HAMBURGER HELP ME
290 SHEPHORDE’S PIE
292 GEEDUNK MAGICAL LAYER BARS
Contents vviiii
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W e l c o m e t o t h e Z o m b i e
A p o c a l y p s e
The ‘what-ifs’ and ‘should-haves’ will eat your brain.
—John O’Callaghan
Zombies, ghouls, biters, walkers, geeks, preparedness. Good for you. Or, if you have
lamebrains, skels, rotters, zekes, or, as our acquired or found this book during the apoc-
Canadian friends like to call them, zeds. alypse, congratulations on still being alive.
Their unrelenting shamble into pop culture I don’t think I need to impress upon you
ubiquity, from television to video games the fact that the zombie apocalypse (often
to fan conventions to literature, may have referred to in survivalist circles as the zpoc,
lulled you into a false sense of security, or simply ZA) is no joke. Aside from the
but don’t be fooled! The undead do pose complete annihilation of societal conven-
a serious (and downright terrifying) threat tions as we know them, we are talking
to human existence. While it may be all about the end of chorizo, chocolate bars,
fun and brrraaaaaiiiinnnns for the general and tacos here. Once civilization collapses,
public, when the zombie apocalypse hits, you will probably never eat another glazed
our very way of life will come to an end. donut. Or a really good piece of French
If you are reading this, it means that you cheese, or even a banana, for that matter.
are one of the few people on this planet There will be no more late-night
being proactive about zombie-apocalypse convenience store runs for a pint of Ben
iixx
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