The Anger Solution: The Proven Method for Achieving Calm and Developing Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships

241 Pages·2009·0.68 MB·English

by  John Lee

0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/9/09 11:05 AM Page i
Praise for John Lee:
“John Lee is known for his immediately practical
and refreshing approach to problems that we all
face at work and at home.”
—KAREN C. BLICHER, LCSW, CHT,
Director of Mental Health Education,
Mountain Area Health Education Center,
Asheville, North Carolina
“John Lee is one of the greatest teachers in the
United States.”
—ROBERT BLY
9781586487843-text1.qxd:9781586487843-text1.qxd 7/8/09 10:05 AM Page iv
1
2
3
“This page left intentionally blank.”
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
REAL PAGES
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page iii
The Anger Solution
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page iv
Other books by John Lee:
The Flying Boy: Healing the Wounded Man
The Flying Boy II: The Journey Continues
Facing the Fire: Experiencing and
Expressing Anger Appropriately
Growing Yourself Back Up:
Understanding Emotional Regression
The Missing Peace:
Solving the Anger Problem for
Alcoholics/Addicts and Those Who Love Them
Recovery: Plain and Simple
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page v
THE
Anger Solution
The Proven Method for Achieving Calm
and Developing Healthy,
Long-lasting Relationships
John Lee
A MEMBER OF THE PERSEUS BOOKS GROUP
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page vi
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are
claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Da Capo Press was
aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed in initial capital letters.
Copyright © 2009 by John Lee
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of
America. For information, address Da Capo Press, 11 Cambridge Center, Cambridge, MA 02142.
Set in 11 point Electra by the Perseus Books Group
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lee, John H., 1951-
The anger solution : the proven method for achieving calm and developing healthy, long-
lasting relationships / John Lee.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-7382-1260-9 (alk. paper)
1. Anger. 2. Behavior modification. 3. Regression (Psychology) 4. Interpersonal relations. I.
Title.
BF575.A5L438 2009
152.4’7—dc22
2009007837
First Da Capo Press edition 2009
Published by Da Capo Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
www.dacapopress.com
Note: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. This book
is intended only as an informative guide for those wishing to know more about health issues. In
no way is this book intended to replace, countermand, or conflict with the advice given to you by
your own physician. The ultimate decision concerning care should be made between you and
your doctor. We strongly recommend you follow his or her advice. Information in this book is
general and is offered with no guarantees on the part of the authors or Da Capo Press. The
authors and publisher disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book. The names
and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been
changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.
Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by
corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the
Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200,
Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call [phone], ext. 5000, or e-mail
[email protected].
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page vii
For my wife,
Susan,
who is my inspiration, editor, fan, best friend,
and one of the least angry people I’ve ever known.
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page viii
Anybody can become angry—that is easy, but to be
angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose, and
in the right way—that is not easy.
—ARISTOTLE
The past isn’t dead. It’s not even the past.
—WILLIAM FAULKNER
0738212609-Lee:Layout 1 6/4/09 9:32 AM Page ix
C o n t e n t s
Introduction 1
CHAPTER 1 Anger: The Real Story 9
Why Everyone Tries to Avoid Anger 12
CHAPTER 2 Rage: The Real Culprit 15
How to Tell the Difference between Anger
and Rage 17
Soft Rage 24
The Five Things People Do When They Think
They Are Expressing Healthy Discontent 25
Four Styles of Rage 33
Enraged or Outraged? 35
CHAPTER 3 Emotional Regression: The Secret Behind
Anger and Rage 39
The Brain and Regression 44
ix