Standard Issue 12 (2010-2011 Winter)

2010·27.3 MB·English

Page Two | StandardiSsueMag.com
WELCOME TO THE TWELFTH ISSUE OF STANDARD ISSUE TRAINWRECK-OF-A-MAGAZINE!!! I know this zine’s STANDARD ISSUE FIRE-BREATHING
totally retarded, and I promise the rest of this issue’ll be no exception, but I wanna be serious for a minute in this HIPPY-KILLING CHILD-HATING
introduction. TRAINWRECK-OF-A-MAGAZINE #12
WAS MADE BY THIS BUNCH OF
Here in Canada/The US, we’ve got it pretty good compared to most of the world. We can ride a crowded city bus without SCUZZES:
worrying about suicide bombers. Our kids won’t die of minor illnesses or infections, let alone starvation. The women
here don’t have to walk for hours every day to get drinking water we North Americans wouldn’t even feed our dogs -- in Writing by: Steve Adamyk, Morgan
fact, we have so much perfectly clean drinking water, we literally shit and piss in it and flush it down the sewer. Cook, Curtis Delaney, Nigel Girlfriend,
Ben Jensen, Andrew Payne, Craig
That said, shit’s still pretty fucked up over here. Our governments are stuffed past their limit with a bunch of self- Proulx, Musqwaunquot “Musky” Rice,
serving assholes who care more about what restaurant the tax-funded catering for today’s meeting’s coming from Pierre Richardson, Emmanuel Sayer,
than whether or not a family of four living in their own ward can afford to feed themselves AND live indoors. Then Dave Secretary
you’ve got the multi-million and multi-billion and several-trillion dollar corporations; these guys probably hate hu-
mans even more than the governments do. And everyone’s given up even TRYING to hide the fact that these soulless Drawings and comix by:
corporations not only have more power than citizens, but actually hold a bloated, disgusting, morbidly obese amount Curtis Delaney, Ben Jensen,
of sway over the governments.
Photos by: Andrew Carver, Dave Forcier,
And it’s only getting worse. (And when our governments in the “free” world are a bunch of goldbricking assholes, Adam Jensen, Pierre Richardson
that’s not just bad news for us; that’s REALLY bad news for developing countries and the third world, too, no strang-
ers to the shit end of the western world’s stick.) Corporations and government have more and more control over our Front cover by: Ben Jensen
lives everyday, and you’d be pretty hard-pressed to find two entities that give less of a shit about our basic well-being
than that. Layout by: Adam Begin, Adam Jensen
Between the two of them, governments and corporations have made sure that our lives look something like this: We Patron saint: Keith Moreland
come home exhausted from working too many hours for too-little pay so we can afford all the useless shit the corpora-
tions have convinced us we need, and so we can pay all the new bullshit taxes the governments dreamt up for us. We
eat the shitty, nutritionally-raped food from the grocery chains -- all that mutant garbage the government allows the
corporations to feed us, the cheapest shit on the shelves, the only shit the average family can afford. HOW TO HOLLER AT US:
Between the work, the commute to the suburbs, and the non-nourishing corporate food-garbage we eat, we’re only left Nerd mail: [email protected]
with enough time and energy to flop on our couches and watch the kinda TV the corporations and the government
WANT us watching: the kind that keeps us retarded and ignorant. Jersey Shore. Real Housewives. CSI. Real mail: PO Box 87002 Ottawa, ON,
K2P 1X0
On top of that, our governments are becoming more-and-more opaque. They’re barely pretending to be democracies
anymore. (And why should they have to? They’ve got most people believing what they WANT us to believe: that capi- Come hang out with us on the
talism IS democracy.) So even if we had the time and the energy to participate (as is our RIGHT, as is our RESPONSI- internet over here:
BILITY in a democracy), it’s pretty damn hard. No one even knows what’s going on. No one has the time. No one has http://www.standardissuemag.com
the energy. No one knows HOW. The governments are stoked. The corporations are stoked. The citizens are broke and
obese.
That’s what’s made watching what’s been happening in the Arab world across North Africa so awesome. Mobs of STANDARD ISSUE is based outta Ot-
pissed off, once-powerless citizens flooding their streets and taking their countries back from the entitled, worthless, tawa, Canada. It comes out every three
corrupt, violent, oppressive, barely-human garbage that’ve held them under their thumbs for decades. months (give or take). We print about
two-thousand copies per issue. Go ahead
If these people were willing to risk their lives to get a taste of freedom, maybe we can learn from them in a tiny way, and submit content to us if you want,
and do THE VERY LEAST WE CAN DO with the freedom we in North America still have (for now), and that we take for but it’ll only get printed if you’re really
granted. And what’s the first step towards the very least we can do? Writing e-mails or letters to the governments and fuckin talented (ie: you can spell swear
to the corporations whenever they do something shitty to let them know that we’re doing exactly what they don’t words properly or draw barf real good).
want us to: we’re paying attention, and we’re acting on our anger. Letter writing might not seem like much, but that If you send us a letter, that means you’re
shit still works. The rule of thumb’s always been: for every one person that bothers to write a letter about an issue, cool with it being published. Don’t be an
you can assume there are about 5000 more who feel the same way, but didn’t bother to write. So your letter, to those asshole and copy anything in this zine in
government and corporate assholes, is more like 5000 letters. whole or in part without our permission.
If anything in here upsets you, don’t sue
And for governments and corporations that are pretty stoked right now on what kinda heinous shit they’re gettin us. We don’t have anything you’d want
away with without a PEEP from the public, a few letters tricklin in might make them feel like they’re being watched anyway.
again, like they’re accountable. It’s literally the LEAST you can do. So if we’re not gonna smash the state anytime soon,
let’s at LEAST do that. (But, seriously, let’s keep workin toward smashing the state, cuz that would be AWESOME.)
You may be sitting at home reading this and scoffing, but chances are, you’re doing absolutely NOTHING but com-
plaining about this shit to a bunch of people who already agree with you. And if you ARE doing more than letter-
writing already, that’s awesome. But I’m sure you know you’re a minority. Keep trying to recruit more like-minded
people. Studies have shown people are FAR more likely to be actively political when they are tight with at least one
or two other people who are.
The only way we can remind these government assholes that THEY work for US, is if we actually remind OURSELVES
of that every once in a while.
If you’re lookin for a place to start, you can let Canada’s and the State’s federal governments know what utter, balls-
less, inhuman, contemptible pieces of shit they are for not voting to declare Libya a no-fly zone the MINUTE it became
obvious Moammar Gadhafi was gonna start using his war planes to slaughter Libyan civilians and the rebels that had
him and his regime on the ropes.
Start there, and keep going. There’s no shortage of sketchy bullshit to give those assholes all sorts of e-mail and letter
hell about.
Alright, back to being retarded. -- BEN JENSEN
StandardiSsueMag.com | Three
Written by Musqwaunquot “Musky” Rice and illustrated by Ben Jensen.
ra rSyo) IA dbeocriidgeinda tlo p beeo pthlee ( twoiktehn a I Fnidrsiat nN aantido nwsr fiotec uasb)o iunt w mhoarte’s I nnodwia nca sltluedff .C Tahniasd ias .an attempt at a short history of (contempo-
afoerfet Aiplcilenlsoeog p o btlnehe s asa ttcw eotrahneritoesat otiynhnpeaeedt’ss t ishgnooe mnt thneeerta mi umbm e“eA i)bn.b rA oe4Nrl lpiYagt Wi tfneoAarnYlm”t. . i t.‘soF aifir cts oti nlNo ntahtiaieol minssta’ .tg eIa rzcmionu telh.d.a. dtif oe I n agcneo tme intp tiainrse sO eaNsr ttTihcIeMle I Eno nu(li attzh, ytah Iten a dMloiaénntei.s .a., wnanded sI ’htvhoeeu a vlldar esatal sdnoyu dmgoo bate nar
written about our people. Polynesians
and South Americans were hanging MIDDLE COLONIAL PERIOD
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formation that are the history books
Written by Dave Secretary.
In Medellin and Bogota I was lucky than it would in, say, Philly or New York. employed contract killers and weird 1989 and 1992 when the scene, the music,
enough to talk to a few informative lo- Then again, I was a clueless white for- shit like that. the people and the ideals all fell into the
cals about Colombia’s punk history, and eigner so maybe there were a billion same stride. Comp tapes surfaced, our
I even took some notes for this fucking shows happening and I was mindfully In the mid ‘80s, bands started getting continent began to take notice, and punk
article, but I’ve managed to lose every- kept out of the loop. their shit together and an underground started to spread to other Colombian cit-
thing and am currently relying on some movement began. Dozens of hardcore ies. A lot of the music from this era is
scribbled band names on a stained piece Nonetheless I’m going to attempt a punk bands began playing secret shows pretty much perfect hardcore punk: grit-
of paper some dude with a shitty attitude really brief run-down of what I learned and a handful of demo tapes and zines be- ty, fast, earnest, angry noise that — musi-
gave me at the Black Sheep (in Medellin, about the punk rock scene in Colom- gan to circulate (I was shown copies of a cally at least — parallels a lot of the early
not Wakefield); a page from a notebook bia. It seems as though South America zine called NUEVA FUERZA which looked ‘80s hardcore in North America. Most of
containing some corrections I learned in general jumped into hardcore punk pretty awesome). Around ‘88, several 7” these records are available online at this
from a former hostel owner with a huge a little bit later than other continents, records made their way into the hands point and worth checking out. Some of
record collection in Barranquilla; and a and as a result, punks didn’t really of the public. Some of the better known the original bands, like I.R.A., are actually
link to a Geocities website that obviously make an appearance in Colombia until bands like PICHURRIAS, RASIX, IDEAS still putting out albums that have gotten
doesn’t fucking exist anymore. the early ‘‘80s in Medellin. Due to vio- REVOLUCION ADOLESCENT, BASTARDOS progressively shittier over the years, a
lence arising from drug trafficking and SIN NOMBRE, CRIMEN IMPUNE, RES- statement which seems to hold true for
While in Colombia I tried to find out political corruption, most punks had to TOS DE TRAGEDIA, HERPES and GUERRA a lot of the Colombian punk bands that
if there were any real punk rock shows stay underground and very little hap- BACTERIOLOGICA gave Medellin a solid emerged throughout the nineties. I have
I could attend, but they don’t seem to pened during these first few formative foundation for a functioning and hon- no fucking idea what’s going on with Co-
happen all that often, and when they years. In some cases, punks were actu- est punk scene which paved the way for lombian punk rock today, or with Colom-
do they’re supposedly in the ‘bad part ally seen as a legitimate threat because what seems to be commonly referred to bian music in general. I think that pop
of town,’ an expression that apparently they wouldn’t take sides, and I heard a as ‘the golden era’ of Colombian hard- star with the fat voice and the butterface
carries vastly different connotations lot of dark mumbling about federally- core punk — a period roughly between is from there.
Page Four | StandardiSsueMag.com
LAMTEanRy C fOacLtOorNs,I iAnLcl PudEiRnIgO NDative depop-
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is another topic in itself.
SOME CRAZY SHIT THAT’S BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY.
BURGLARS SNORT CREMATED MAN’S ASHES WOUNDED FOx SHOOTS WOULD-BE ALBINO MP FEARS FOR HIS LIFE
KILLER
By JANE SUTTON, Reuters By AMIE FERRIS-ROTMAN, Reuters DAR ES SALAAM: Tanzania’s first elect-
ed albino member of parliament, Salum
MIAMI - Burglars snorted the cre- “The suspects mistook the ashes for MOSCOW - A wounded fox shot its Khalfan Barwany, fears his life could be
mated remains of a man and two dogs either cocaine or heroin. It was soon would-be killer in Belarus by pulling in danger in the East African country,
in the mistaken belief that they had discovered that the suspects snorted the trigger on the hunter’s gun as the where albino-hunters kill their victims
stolen illegal drugs, Florida sheriff’s some of the ashes believing they were pair scuffled after the man tried to fin- and use their blood and body parts for
deputies said Wednesday. snorting cocaine,” the sheriff’s report ish the animal off with the butt of the witchcraft. At least 59 albinos have been
The ashes were taken from a wom- said. rifle, media said on Thursday. killed since 2007 in Tanzania and their
an’s home in the central Florida town Once they realized their error, the The unnamed hunter, who had ap- body parts sold, especially in gold min-
of Silver Springs Shores on Dec. 15. The suspects discussed returning the re- proached the fox after wounding it from ing areas, where superstition is rife.
thieves took an urn containing the ash- maining ashes but threw them in a lake a distance, was in hospital with a leg
es of her father and another container instead because they thought their fin- wound, while the fox made its escape,
with the ashes of her two Great Danes, gerprints were on the containers, sher- media said, citing prosecutors from the
along with electronic equipment and iff’s spokesman Judge Cochran said. Grodno region. MAN KILLED BY ARMED ROOSTER
jewelry, the Marion County Sheriff’s Of- Police divers were trying to recover “The animal fiercely resisted and in THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
fice said. the ashes. The suspects were jailed on the struggle accidentally pulled the
Investigators learned what hap- numerous burglary and other charges. trigger with its paw,” one prosecutor A man who was at an illegal cockfight
pened to the ashes after they arrested was quoted as saying. in central California died after being
five teens in connection with another Fox-hunting is popular in the pictur- stabbed in the leg by a bird that had a
burglary attempt at a nearby home last esque farming region of northwestern knife attached to its own limb, officials
week. Belarus which borders Poland. confirmed Monday.
StandardiSsueMag.com | Five
Written by Ben Jensen, illustrated by Curtis Delaney.
Cock your head to the side and start smackin your CHINESE CHARACTERS, TRIBAL BULLSHIT,
raised ear. Smack it until anything you know about BARB WIRE, ARM BANDS, TRAMP STAMPS, DOL-
tattoos gets knocked from your brain and oozes out PHINS, ETC...:
the other ear, landing in a sloppy pile of dolphins, Anybody with half a clue already knows these tat-
Celtic knots, Chinese characters, tribal bullshit and toos are the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel, so I’m not
any other fad garbage that’s made tattoos as safe and gonna waste time on them. (And if you’ve been waiting
boring as a Ken doll’s junk. excitedly for me to start raggin on these ones, you’re a
different kinda clueless, and probably have at least one of
Done? Now take a look with fresh eyes and re-appreciate the other tattoos I’m gonna be canceling.)
how gnarly a tattoo really is: it’s something you get stabbed
into your skin to permanently alter your body so it has a fuck- If you’re not sure which tattoos are on this list, head to the
ing DRAWING on it. Isn’t that INSANE? Here it is again, in italics busiest, mega-est Walmart you can find (the farther away from
now, just in case the gnarliness didn’t sink in the first time: a tattoo any city, the better). The first 53 tattoos you see in there are the list.
is something you get stabbed into your skin to permanently alter your body so They are the 53 most played-out tattoos in the world. Don’t get
it has a fucking DRAWING on it. It hurts, it’s permanent, and it makes ‘em, and if you got ‘em, you don’t, cuz they officially don’t count
people think bad things about you. Who would do that crazy shit to as tattoos anymore.
themselves?
TATTOOS YOU GOT CUZ YOU’D BEEN SEEING THEM ON
Well, once upon a time (back when things were awesome), it OTHER PEOPLE AND THOUGHT THEY LOOKED COOL:
would’ve only been sailors, criminals, carnies, and other mis- This is basically what I was just talking about. Fad tattoos.
fits. These days (where everything’s corporatized, played out, So here’s the rule: if you’ve ever been walkin down the street
and forced to wear a helmet), it’s any moron with access to a and randomly seen someone with a tattoo that’s basically the
credit card and whatever channel airs bullshit like LA Ink. same as one you’ve got, that’s a two-for-one Don’t Count:
you guys BOTH lost a tattoo that day.
Tattoos are so common now, North America’s gonna sink
into the ocean under the weight of all the human flesh per- This rule’s gonna wipe out all the butterflies on backs,
manently coloured-in to look like what your average Old all the dolphins on ankles, all the chains on biceps... ALL
Navy-wrapped, Mountain Dew-soaked, Facebooking sack of that shit. Tattoo massacre.
human garbage thinks is “good”.
Bro tattoos and gang tattoos are the exception to this
Getting tattooed’s become a pretty safe, boring and accepted rule, obviously... oh and so is shit like the Black Flag
move. Unless you go nuts, it’s not gonna affect your job op- logo... and traditional shit like anchors and bird cages and
portunities, or what old people think of you, or your chances of daggers. Those shits are like Chuck Taylors and Wayfarers
getting a social disease, or adopting a foreign kid to impress the — no matter how many of them you see in a day, they just
neighbors, or whatever other tired bullshit normal 9-to-5 puss- magically keep from gettin old. So those are exceptions.
ies with streaked hair and Hollister shirts worry about. As far
as ‘freakin out the norms’ goes, a tattoo’s probably at about Y’see? I’m TOUGH, but I’m fair. These rules are here to help,
the same level as longboarding. not hinder. Let’s move on.
And that sucks. The world’s gone soft enough as it is, we SHAMROCKS, CELTIC KNOTS/CROSSES, CLADDAGHS:
don’t need its marshmallow paws dragging tattoos down Oh you’re part Irish? You and literally EVERY OTHER WHITE PER-
with it. Let’s get this shit back to the way it was a couple SON ON EARTH. This is not some exclusive club. If you’re white, you
generations ago, when getting a tattoo would completely X don’t need a tattoo to let people know you’re Irish. Your pasty white
you from ‘polite’ society until the day you died some ear- flesh is the full-body ‘hey guys, I’m Irish’ tattoo you didn’t even have
ly and seedy death. Back when having a tattoo was some to overpay some tattoo “studio” artist for.
dangerous, outrageous, bad-ass, thrilling, chilling, outsider,
scumbag type shit. The kinda guys who had tattoos back TATTOOS WITH BULLSHIT MEANINGS:
then knew how to fight, knew how to drink, and probably “My grandma died when I was only like eight? Y’know? And one
did some real dirty shit pretty regularly (read: they were rad of my best memories of her was when we were like walking in the
and you’re not). park? And we saw this butterfly, and it came like so close to us, and
it was a magical moment. And then, like, last week, I got a ticket
But how are we gonna bring it back? Lame tattoos aren’t for parking my Vibe in front of a hydrant for seven hours while I got
like other fads that just end up as bad memories or land- my hair streaked, y’know, and it didn’t turn out as good as I wanted
fill. Tattoos are permanent. Unless you shell out for laser and it was like the WORST day on EARTH, y’know? But then I all-of-
surgery — people used to pay money to see heavily tattooed a-suddenly felt this calm come over me, and I looked over and saw a
women; do you think now they’ll chip in to laser a few tramp butterfly. And I knew it was my grandma’s spirit, and she was like
stamps? No, people are cheap. Here’s what we gotta do: looking over me and letting me know everything would be alright,
y’know? It gave me the strength to carry on. So I got this butterfly
We gotta ‘untattoo’ a BUNCHA tattoos. So, from now on, the tattoo on my ankle.”
following tattoos are so common and so lame, that they’re no
longer considered tattoos, they’ve been downgraded to ‘birth- That’s bullshit. You just wanted to get a tattoo on your ankle. But
mark’: for some reason you thought people would call you out on it if there
wasn’t some deep “meaning” behind it. Well, they’re not. This isn’t
grade eight. It’s not like when the class nerd shows up one day wearing
an LA Raiders* Starter jacket, so everyone starts quizzin him on who plays
Page Six | StandardiSsueMag.com
what position and ‘didja catch the game they’ll freeze cuz it’s too cold to have toast ‘please don’t judge me please’ at- Dixon, maybe only let the face, neck and
on Tuesday’ and all that stuff to call him bare drama-mask-tattooed shoulders; titude outta the tattoo situation. Under hand tattoos count for now, then work
out on his obvious bullshit. No. Nobody they’ll make weird hand/arm gestures this new world order, the only way a tat- your way back up again.
gives enough of a flying fuck about your when they talk — whatever it takes to too can count is if the person sporting it
boring tattoo to quiz you about it. As- make that tattoo front-and-center. does not give one shred of a fuck. CAREER MOVE TATTOOS:
signing bullshit meanings to your tat- Lemme tell ya what this is: when
toos (“each of these flowers represents Those little back-of-the-neck tattoos And as for the people who are soap- you see some slick new corporate, auto-
one of my kids” is another big one) is, girls get are an example of this kinda boxing against discrimination of tat- tuned, mallrat screamo/metalcore band
in itself, bullshit. So those tattoos don’t tattoo. It might SEEM gnarly, cuz it’s on tooed people: gimme a break. If you wan- all over the place and the members are
count anymore. the neck, but it’s only there cuz it dis- na fight discrimination, fight against all like 19-21 and COVERED in tattoos,
appears when she wears her hair down. the discrimination of people who’re those are Career Move Tattoos. They got
For the record: the only people (besides (BUT THEN, when she’s got a ponytail, getting targeted for being BORN the way those tattoos because they (and their
uptight assholes) who feel strongly that the poor asshole stuck behind her in they are (y’know: race, gender, sexual- agents and managers and label execs
every tattoo should have a deep meaning line at the DMV gets to stare at her trib- ity, caste, etc...). Being discriminated and stage moms) know that the tween
are people WITHOUT any tattoos. Kinda al whatever-the-fuck for three hours against cuz you had enough disposable market’ll fall in love with them WAY
like how a teenage virgin thinks it’s only and see what a wild child she really is.) income to CHOOSE to pay someone to easier if they’ve got tattoos. Hell, their
acceptable to have sex with someone decorate your arms is a first world prob- Disney-owned label probably PAID
who looks like the girls in his Maxim, but Legs-only tattoos: same deal. At the lem if ever I heard one. Besides, if you for the tattoos and told them to go get
a guy who’s had sex at least once’ll fuck hardware store one time, I even saw a wanna do something gnarly to yourself them. They probably have an in-house
just about anything as long as he thinks whole family — middle-aged mom and but you DON’T want it to rankle a buncha tattooer.
he can walk away from it with the same dad, and twenty-ish son — all in shorts, uptight grandmas and authority figures,
amount of STDs and kids he had going t-shirts and legs-only tattoos. They you’re missing the point entirely. And since nothing’s less gnarly than
in. If you’ve got tattoos, getting another looked like a family of satyrs but instead financial planning (and fake punk/false
one’s no big deal. It’s like: “What’s that? of goat legs they had ink legs. Or maybe TASMANIAN DEVIL / CALVIN PISS- metal), obviously these tattoos don’t
You and your buddy are wasted and you they just looked like some scared, over- ING TATTOOS: count anymore. This one’s not limited
wanna see who can tattoo the grossest aged teenagers rebelling against their Psyche! Those both fuckin RULE, and to corporate “rock” bands though; any-
picture of any two 60 Minutes hosts do- mom’s “not as long as you’re under my dudes who have ‘em are usually awesome one who’s getting tattoos to “further
ing it? Alright, I think there’s some room roof” rule. (as long as they’re not just being ironic). their brand” gets them shits revoked.
on my leg...”
Fuck your ‘wild weekend’ tattoo. You NBA PLAYERS/DIRTY SOUTH RAPPERS: On that note: if you’re some fighter
*They were still in LA back then. can take a lifelong vacation from all the I got no problem with the TATTOOS in dude who got ‘em to look tougher in the
stress of hiding it when you have to and question, here, just the sheer VOLUME. ring or the octagon or the YouTube screen,
TATTOOS SMALLER THAN A QUARTER: showing it when you want to, cuz it’s Tattoos in these two industries are SO keep in mind: tattoos aren’t just for tough
Unless it’s on your finger, dick or eye- not even a tattoo anymore. outta hand, that neck-to-nuts is basi- guys anymore (didn’t you read the de-
ball, that shit doesn’t count anymore. cally the new normal. So if you’ve only pressing intro to this article?); they’re
CORPORATE LOGO TATTOOS: got one or two or 23 tattoos, it’s like you also for 50-something divorcee BFFs, and
TATTOOS THAT YOU GOT CUZ YOU Believe me, I’m doing you a huge fa- don’t have ANY. It’s way too blown up. pussies like Dashboard Confessional have
CAN HIDE THEM EASILY: vor by canceling that Nike swoosh or So from now on, if you’re in the NBA, or been covered in ‘em for YEARS.
It used to be you had to have been raped BMW logo tattoo you got. Even fuckin are rappin outta south of the Mason-
by your uncle to be fucked up enough to GG ALLIN had more respect for his body
get your face tattooed. Now, you just than any pervert who’d turn his skin
need to figure you’re successful enough into permanent free advertising for
to never have to sit through another job some filthy corporation.
interview. Rappers have ‘em (Lil Wayne,
The Game, Gucci Mane, Wiz Khalifa), pro ANY TATTOO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE
skaters have ‘em (Antwuan, Braydon), and GOTTEN IF YOU THOUGHT PEOPLE
Those are the only tattoos I’m gonna ‘untattoo’ for now. (I’m sure if I took two
Mike Tyson’s got a real shitty one. MIGHT JUDGE YOU FOR HAVING ONE:
seconds, I could come up with WAY more.) Obviously there’s room for leeway here;
Like I already said, we’re at a point
like, maybe there’s a tattoo out there that falls into one of these categories that’s
If face tattoos are getting kinda com- now where tattoos are so common,
gnarly enough to remain a tattoo. Like an armband that’s actually really rad. Or
mon, you know any tattoo you chose nobody’s likely to take a second look,
maybe a shamrock, but it’s on your face and looks like it’s pissing in your mouth.
just cuz it’s easy to hide when you’re in let alone (*gasp*) JUDGE you for havin
That wouldn’t be a COOL tattoo, but it’d be gnarly enough that no smug asshole
the office or at gramma’s ain’t gonna cut one. It’s not a risky move anymore. So
with a zine could argue it shouldn’t count.
it, and that pussy shit goes completely if — deep down inside — today’s indif-
against the gnarliness of tattoos. ference to tattoos is the only reason you
And any tattoo that’s got multiple violations counts even less. So, if you had, say,
were comfortable and willing enough
a Celtic knot-style armband, it’d ‘uncount’ as a tattoo so bad it’d be like your arm
The kinda people who get these are the to take the plunge and get one — if you
doesn’t even exist anymore. And if you had like, a tribal tramp stamp made up
worst. In their straight-laced life, they’ll wouldn’t have had the guts to get it if
Chinese characters that you have a bullshit meaning for, that shit would ‘uncount’
hide their tattoo like it’s Anne Frank, but tattoos were rare and “risqué” again —
so bad it’d be like you were never even born.
when they’re doing something “wild” that tattoo doesn’t count anymore.
like going to a Metric concert or some-
Also, the following tattoos will ALWAYS count: gang/prison tattoos, tattoos you
thing shitty like that, the effort they’ll Sorry, but it’s simple: I’m making
got when you were wasted, tattoos you got when the tattooer was wasted, anything
put into making sure you know they’ve these rules so we can get tattoos back
with swear words, stick ‘n’ pokes (unless you’re some shithead who just got it to
got a tattoo will be the same kind a mom to the point where they’re gnarly and
be ‘kitschy’ or ‘ironic’ or any other word that makes me barf in my mouth), tattoos
puts in when her kid’s pinned under a awesome again, and if we’re gonna do
you regret, memorial tattoos, sports team logos.
truck. They’ll wear their clothes funny; that, we gotta kick that whole milque-
StandardiSsueMag.com | Seven
Written by Andrew Payne, illustrated by Ben Jensen.
Hello. I’m your new dad and I’m going One catch is that he had to make an Basically, the main point of shaving is Once your face looks like it’s been to a
to teach you how to shave again – the upfront investment in some new gear; to open the pores, soften the whiskers bukkake party it’s time to start shaving.
old fashioned way, with brushes, soap around $100. First off was the old fash- and keep your face all lubed up. Before And this is where the time consump-
and single-blade razors. Why would I ioned razor for $20. It’s called a double- you take a steamy, hot, pore-opening tion comes in. You’ll have to shave two
do such a thing, you ask? Because I love edge safety razor, or DE razor, but don’t shower, soak your brush in a hot cup of or three times, just like they did in the
you, my new son, and you make me so let that “safety” word fool you, son, it water so it can have a nice little slurp. old days when people had patience.
proud with your unfailing devotion to can be as dangerous as a horny, ugly, Also, put a small pool of water on top of
underground culture. socially-inept man if you don’t know your soap so it softens up real good. For the first pass, just go straight
how to use it right. Whereas cartridges down with the grain. Lather up again
So go mix daddy a drink and I’ll tell automatically give you the perfect shav- Once your disgusting, naked body and shave with diagonal down strokes.
you a riveting tale about manhood, fru- ing angle, blades make you figure it out exits the shower you should pour the That should do the trick but if you’re
gality and the dark side of convenience. for yourself. Thirty degrees is the magic water off the shaving soap and squeeze feeling courageous then lather up again
That’s right, son. Just pop an ice cube in angle they say to hold it at. the water out of the brush, giving it a and do another pass going horizontally
that bottle of Scotch over there, bring it couple of shakes. Then swish the brush or even upwards, against the grain.
to daddy and take a seat on his lap. And if you ever do get your own DE around on the soap like you’re beat- Don’t worry, these razors won’t give you
razor, make sure it has some weight to ing some eggs; slap it like a horse tail ingrown hairs like those dastardly car-
Where do I begin? Hmm, uh... nope... it. A light one is just going to bounce all kills a fly; do whatever you want, just tridges do.
yep... okay, basically all of that shaving over the place and turn your face into make sure your brush is loaded with
cream in a can, multi-blade cartridges, all some sort of fleshy, blood-covered tram- soap. Then put the brush in the bowl Close up your pores with some cold
that junk, it’s the equivalent of commer- poline. and, using a small bit of water, swish water, dry off, then throw on a hefty
cial pop music for your face. It doesn’t that brush until it starts making a nice, splash of Thayers Witch Hazel. It’s $12
require much effort or skill, it’s designed The next thing Daddy got was the thick cream –- no bubbles! Bubbles bad! for a bottle, it’s made from a shrub and
to satisfy everyone yet genuinely benefit $40 shaving brush made of badger hair. It means you have too much water and people have been using it as an after-
no one, and it’s overpriced, too. You see, badger hair retains water and have to add more soap. shave since 1847. Yeah, put a shrub on
allows him to make a nice, thick shav- your face, it feels great.
Daddy knows this all too well. He used ing cream once he slaps it all over his Now’s the time to brush your face
to drag his feet down this sinful path of five dollar shaving soap and $15 shaving with that cream. This is important, Now, this is just the way that daddy
laziness until only two months ago when bowl. Plus, there’s nothing more satis- okay? When dry, whiskers are about as shaves but you can do it your own way.
his double-blade razors increased in price. fying than stealing the hairs of an ani- strong as copper wire of the same di- Your face is different than mine and
It was infuriating. Inside his hot, burning mal and rubbing them all over your face ameter, and they stay that way when thank goodness that it is. The whole
head he yelled, “Fuck you, ‘progress’! I every morning out of spite. they have a coating of oil on them, as process takes 20 minutes or more but
hate you! I don’t even like shaving!” and per usual. You have to get this oil off daddy doesn’t have a steady job and he
stormed out of the pharmacy towards a Now, son, if there was ever a good with soap so that water can penetrate can shave all day if he wants to –- and
barber shop. There, he realized that single time to start listening to your old man, the whiskers and make them soft, weak sometimes he does, because now he
blades can be had for one-tenth the price that time is now, because I’m going to and helpless, just like you. Brush those loves it more than he loves you.
of a double-, triple-, quadruple-, quintuple- tell you how it all comes together … how whiskers with circular motions at first,
or sextet-blade cartridge –- only 30¢ to 50¢ it’s done. So listen up, you worthless lifting them up, then slap the cream on
each rather than three to five dollars. little prick! thick.
Page Eight | StandardiSsueMag.com
By the Standard Issue Street Gang
(Steve Adamyk, Curtis Delaney, Ben Jensen, Andrew Payne, Musky Rice and Pierre Richardson)
The Would You Rather game is fuckin TERRIBLE. I mean, look at it: it’s pretty much always played
somewhere you DON’T wanna be — in a van with a bunch of filthy dudes; in prison; on the job site...
— and the whole point is to force you to pick between two of the shittiest scenarios the guy asking the
question can pull out of his warped, degenerate mind. On top of that, sometimes the option you end up
picking can leave you open to vicious mockery for years to come.
Would You Rather is exactly the kinda traumatizing, juvenile, good-for-absolutely-nuthin bullshit
you can expect to find in STANDARD ISSUE... and hey, look: you found it in STANDARD ISSUE.
...have your sexual orientation
...be trapped in a prison cell that’s
magically and instantly switched to the
made of shit and guarded by Rush
other side (if you’re straight, you’ll turn
Limbaugh and EAT your way out
gay; if you’re gay, you’ll turn straight)
OR ...have diarrhea for a week
OR
FUCK your way out? OR ...get publically and
be turned completely asexual?
severely beat up by a girl
be constipated for a week?
...SMOKE a crack rock OR
wrapped in bacon
...eat a taco with glass sprinkled on it ...have looped audio playing in get five times as publically and five
OR OR your head non-stop for a month times as severely beat up by a guy?
EAT a crack rock a burger with glass sprinkled on it? of your parents having sex
wrapped in bacon?
(This one basically comes down to what OR ...give one blowjob to someone disgusting
you like better, tacos or burgers.) and evil and get paid enough for it to never
of your parents being tortured?
...be the only shitty member have to work again (here’s the catch: it’ll
of an awesome band you love always be common public knowledge
...be a Care Bear ...have to eat at least one slice of that that’s how you made your fortune)
OR pizza (the toppings can change)
OR OR
be the only good member every day til the day you die
of a really lame band you’re the Little Mermaid? OR be a working stiff for the rest of your life?
totally embarassed of?
never eat pizza again?
...SMELL like dog shit
...catch your mom and best buddy in bed
...have a bottle in front of you
OR
OR
OR
LOOK like dog shit? ...take a bullet to the gut (you’ll end up
your dad and your girlfriend (this one
a frontal lobotomy? (Wait, that
fine, but it’ll hurt like hell) to save one
is straight man-specific; please
...give your mom productive, contributing and awesome one doesn’t work when you’re
replace individuals according to your
a mohawk member of society with good hygiene talking about someone else...)
gender and sexual orientation)?
OR OR
give your dad a faux-hawk? sit on a thumbtack to save 50 hippies?
...have no teeth
OR ...go for a week without eating ...eat a pound of nose boogers ...have a railroad spike
stuck in your head
just one eyeball? OR OR
OR
for a week without shitting?
a pound of eye boogers?
...be re-wired so you have a Dave Matthews Band
...drive a bright
to eat through your nose song stuck in your head?
yellow automobile ...hang out in a room full of old
OR people eating mashed potatoes
OR
be rewired so you have to OR ...jerk off to a picture of
piss out of your butt? slit an infant’s throat? your grandmother
...lick someone’s scab hang out in a room full of
OR
OR grown men sobbing?
...be roommates with an have someone lick yours? get caught jerking off by
evangelical Christian slam poet your grandmother?
OR
...have everything you ...burn to death on a wooden
...get rid of Auto-Tune with a live bomb? ...wake up in the touch turn to drugs pole in the town square while
OR morning with grey HAIR OR everyone laughs at you
...get a tattoo of your boner
Ebola? OR mutual funds? OR
OR
have a slice of fresh apple pie?
with grey PUBES?
get your boner tattooed?
StandardiSsueMag.com | Nine
Ben Jensen
Curtis “Splatter” Delaney
Ben Jensen
Page Ten | StandardiSsueMag.com