Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem PDF
Preview Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem
“McKay and Fanning recognize the complexity of the human tendency toward self-criticism. Their carefully written, cognitively oriented self-help book wisely avoids simplistic solutions, offering instead a systematic approach to self- esteem development.” —Robert E. Alberti, PhD, author of Your Perfect Right “Positive self- esteem is the centerpiece of a healthy personality. McKay and Fanning’s book offers us a valuable storehouse of tactics and strategies for constructing—or renovating—the foundation of our self-esteem.” —Philip G. Zimbardo, PhD, author of Shyness “Self-Esteem is truly a very special title. Good writing is especially necessary for self-help titles. … I feel a special enthusiasm in bringing it to the notice of our audience.” —The Midwest Book Review Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2016 by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Melissa Valentine Edited by Gretel Hakanson All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file To my loving parents, Bert and Grace Fanning —P. F. In memory of my father, George Edward McKay —M. M. Grateful acknowledgment is made to Eugene B. Sagan, PhD, who introduced me to the pathological critic and some of the important techniques used in this book. —M. M. Contents CHAPTER 1: THE NATURE OF SELF-ESTEEM Causes and Effects How to Use This Book For the Therapist An Issue of Diagnosis Cognitive Restructuring for Self-Esteem CHAPTER 2: THE PATHOLOGICAL CRITIC An Arsenal of Shoulds The Origin of the Critic Why You Listen to the Critic The Role of Reinforcement The Variable-Ratio Reinforcement Schedule How the Critic Gets Reinforced Positive Reinforcement for the Critic Negative Reinforcement for the Critic Catching Your Critic CHAPTER 3: DISARMING THE CRITIC Unmasking His Purpose Talking Back Making Your Critic Useless Summary Chart CHAPTER 4: ACCURATE SELF-ASSESSMENT Self-Concept Inventory Listing Your Weaknesses Listing Your Strengths A New Self-Description Celebrate Your Strengths CHAPTER 5: COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS The Distortions 1. Overgeneralization 2. Global Labeling 3. Filtering 4. Polarized Thinking 5. Self-Blame 6. Personalization 7. Mind Reading 8. Control Fallacies 9. Emotional Reasoning Combating Distortions The Three-Column Technique Creating Your Rebuttal Voice Rules for Rebuttal Rebuttals 1. Overgeneralization 2. Global labeling 3. Filtering 4. Polarized thinking 5. Self-blame 6. Personalization 7. Mind reading 8. Control fallacies 9. Emotional reasoning CHAPTER 6: DEFUSING PAINFUL THOUGHTS Watching Your Thoughts Letting Go of Thoughts Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go Distancing from the Critic Example: Tony and the Three Questions CHAPTER 7: COMPASSION Compassion Defined Understanding Acceptance Forgiveness Toward a Compassionate Mind The Compassionate Response The Problem of Worth Affirming Your Worth Compassion for Others Empathy CHAPTER 8: THE SHOULDS How Values Are Formed The Tyranny of the Shoulds Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values How Shoulds Affect Your Self-Esteem Discovering Your Shoulds Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds Cutting Off the Should Atonement—When Shoulds Make Sense CHAPTER 9: ACTING ON YOUR VALUES Life Domains Ten Weeks to Put Values into Action Planning Committed Action CHAPTER 10: HANDLING MISTAKES Reframing Mistakes Mistakes as Teachers Mistakes as Warnings Mistakes: Prerequisite for Spontaneity Mistakes: The Necessary Quota Mistakes as Nonexistent in the Present The Problem of Awareness Responsibility The Limits of Awareness The Habit of Awareness Raising Your Mistake Consciousness CHAPTER 11: RESPONDING TO CRITICISM The Myth of Reality A TV Screen in Every Head Screen Inputs Innate constitution Physiological state Emotional state Habitual behavior patterns Beliefs Needs The Screen as Monster-Maker Mantra for Handling Criticism Responding to Criticism Ineffective Response Styles Aggressive style Passive style Passive-aggressive style Effective Response Styles Putting It All Together CHAPTER 12: ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT Your Legitimate Needs Needs Versus Wants Wants into Words Distilling the Assertive Request Whole Messages Your Thoughts Your Feelings Putting It Together Rules for Requests CHAPTER 13: GOAL SETTING AND PLANNING What Do You Want? Question 1: What Hurts or Feels Bad? Question 2: What Are You Hungry For? Question 3: What Are Your Dreams? Question 4: What Are the Little Comforts? Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation Making Your Goals Specific Making Mental Movies Listing the Steps Making a Commitment Blocks to Achieving Goals Insufficient Planning Insufficient Knowledge Poor Time Management 1. Prioritize 2. Make To Do Lists 3. Say “No” Unrealistic Goals What are the odds? Fear of Failure Fear of Success CHAPTER 14: VISUALIZATION Why Visualization Works Visualization Exercises Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations Self-Esteem Sessions Special Considerations CHAPTER 15: I’M STILL NOT OKAY A Special Vulnerability Protecting Against the Pain Addicted to Your Defenses The Addict Faces Reality Seeing the Consequences Learning Abstinence Facing the Pain Floating Past the Pain Anchoring to the Good Times The Option of Therapy CHAPTER 16: CORE BELIEFS Identifying Core Beliefs Laddering and Theme Analysis Learning Your Rules Testing Your Rules New Core Beliefs New Beliefs Mean New Rules The Evidence Log CHAPTER 17: BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDRENBY JUDITH MCKAY, RN The Power of Parents Parents as Mirrors Look at Your Child Looking at the Positive Looking at the Negative A Special Challenge—The Child Who Is Different A Child in Your Own Image Listening How to Listen to Your Kids What to Listen for Accepting Your Child’s Negative Feelings The Language of Self-Esteem Praise Correcting Your Child Discipline The Case Against Punishment Make It Easy to Do It Right Involve Your Child in Solving Problems The Facts of Life—Consequences Autonomy Promoting Confidence Promoting a Feeling of Success Promoting Success in School Promoting Social Skills Modeling Self-Esteem Bibliography Chapter 1 The Nature of Self-Esteem Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival. It is an emotional sine qua non—without some measure of self-worth, life can be enormously painful, with many basic needs going unmet. One of the main factors differentiating humans from other animals is the awareness of self: the ability to form an identity and then attach a value to it. In other words, you have the capacity to define who you are and then decide whether you like that identity or not. The problem of self-esteem is this human capacity for judgment. It’s one thing to dislike certain colors, noises, shapes, or sensations. But when you reject parts of yourself, you greatly damage the psychological structures that literally keep you alive. Judging and rejecting yourself cause enormous pain. And in the same way that you would favor and protect a physical wound, you find yourself avoiding anything that might aggravate the pain of self-rejection in any way. You take fewer social, academic, or career risks. You make it more difficult to meet people, interview for a job, or push hard for something where you might not succeed. You limit your ability to open yourself with others, express your sexuality, be the center of attention, hear criticism, ask for help, or solve problems. To avoid more judgments and self-rejection, you erect barriers of defense. Perhaps you blame and get angry, or bury yourself in perfectionistic work. Or you brag. Or you make excuses. Sometimes you turn to alcohol or drugs. This book is about stopping the judgments. It’s about healing the old wounds of hurt and self-rejection. How you perceive and feel about yourself can change. And when those perceptions and feelings change, the ripple effect will touch every part of your life with a gradually expanding sense of freedom. Causes and Effects Hundreds of researchers have quizzed thousands of people of various ages and situations, trying to see what causes self-esteem, who has the most of it, how important it is, how it can be increased, and so on. Studies of young children show clearly that parents’ style of child-rearing during the first three or four years determines the amount of self-esteem a child starts with. After that, most studies of older children, adolescents, and adults share a common confusion: What is cause, and what is effect? Does academic success foster self-esteem, or does self-esteem foster academic success? Does high social status cause high self-esteem, or does high self-esteem help you gain high social status? Do alcoholics drink because they hate themselves, or do they hate themselves because they drink? Do people like themselves because they do well in job interviews, or do they do better in interviews because they like themselves? These are classic chicken-and-egg questions. Just as eggs come from chickens and chickens come from eggs, it seems that self-esteem grows out of your circumstances in life, and your circumstances in life are influenced strongly by your self-esteem. Which came first? The question has serious implications for your success at raising your self-esteem. If external circumstances determine self-esteem, then all you have to do to improve your self-esteem is to improve your circumstances. Let’s say you have low self-esteem because you never graduated from high school, you’re short, your mom hated herself, you live in the slums, and you’re 100 pounds overweight. All you have to do is go to night school and get your degree, grow about six inches, have been raised by a different mother, move to Beverly Hills, and lose 100 pounds. It’s a cinch, right? But you know you’ll never make it. There’s nothing you can do about your parents or your height. Your only hope is that things are the other way around: that self-esteem determines circumstances. This means that if you improve your self-esteem, your circumstances will improve. So just stop hating yourself, and you’ll get taller, your mom will become somebody different, and those 100 pounds will evaporate like the morning dew. If you feel that this second scenario is also a little unlikely, you can be congratulated on a keen appreciation of the real world. The fact is that self-esteem and your circumstances are only indirectly related. There is another intervening factor that determines self-esteem 100 percent of the time: your thoughts. For example, you look in the mirror and think, Boy, am I fat. What a slob. This thought clobbers your self-esteem. If you looked in the mirror and thought, Well, all right, it looks good to wear my hair like this, the effect on your self- esteem would be the opposite. The image in the mirror remains the same. Only the thoughts change. Or let’s say that you’re discussing the news, and when you make a remark about the right-wing rebels, your nitpicking friend corrects you: “No, you mean the left-wing rebels.” If you tell yourself, I really sound stupid, your self-esteem will take a nose dive. If you say to yourself, Oh yeah, I’ve got to keep that straight next time, your self-esteem will not suffer so much. In either case, you don’t change the circumstances, only how you interpret them. Does this mean that circumstances have nothing to do with self-esteem? No. Obviously, in the area of social status, bank vice presidents have more opportunity to feel better about their careers than cab drivers. This is why a study of 100 vice presidents and 100 cab drivers will “prove” that the higher status job leads to higher self-esteem. What is overlooked among the statistics is that there are some vice presidents who slaughter their self-esteem by telling themselves, I should have been president of my own bank by now; I’m a failure, just as there are some cab drivers who feel good about themselves because they think, So I’m just a cab driver—I’m putting bread on the table; the kids are doing good in school; things are going just fine. This book uses proven methods of cognitive behavioral therapy to raise your self-esteem by changing the way you interpret your life. It will show you how to uncover and analyze the negative self-statements you habitually make. You will learn how to create new, objective, positive self-statements that will foster your self-esteem instead of undermining it. How to Use This Book This book is organized logically, with the most important and universally applicable material at the beginning. Chapter 2 introduces the pathological critic, the voice inside you that criticizes and keeps your self-esteem low. The next chapter deals with disarming the critic so that you can be free to begin raising your self-esteem without interference. Chapter 4 shows you how to make an accurate self-assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, an important first step in changing your self-esteem. Chapter 5 explains cognitive distortions, irrational ways of thinking that contribute to low self-esteem. Chapter 6 presents the process of defusion, a strategy for letting go of self-judgments and ruminative attacking thoughts.
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