Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem

340 Pages·2016·2.31 MB·English

by  Matthew McKay

“McKay and Fanning recognize the complexity of the human tendency
toward self-criticism. Their carefully written, cognitively oriented self-help book
wisely avoids simplistic solutions, offering instead a systematic approach to self-
esteem development.”
—Robert E. Alberti, PhD, author of Your Perfect Right “Positive self-
esteem is the centerpiece of a healthy personality. McKay and Fanning’s book
offers us a valuable storehouse of tactics and strategies for constructing—or
renovating—the foundation of our self-esteem.”
—Philip G. Zimbardo, PhD, author of Shyness “Self-Esteem is truly a very
special title. Good writing is especially necessary for self-help titles. … I feel a
special enthusiasm in bringing it to the notice of our audience.”
—The Midwest Book Review
Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and
authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with
the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological,
financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling
is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2016 by Matthew
McKay and Patrick Fanning New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Melissa Valentine
Edited by Gretel Hakanson
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file To my loving
parents, Bert and Grace Fanning —P. F.
In memory of my father, George Edward McKay —M. M.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to Eugene B. Sagan, PhD, who introduced me to the
pathological critic and some of the important techniques used in this book. —M. M.
Contents
CHAPTER 1: THE NATURE OF SELF-ESTEEM
Causes and Effects
How to Use This Book
For the Therapist
An Issue of Diagnosis
Cognitive Restructuring for Self-Esteem
CHAPTER 2: THE PATHOLOGICAL CRITIC
An Arsenal of Shoulds
The Origin of the Critic
Why You Listen to the Critic
The Role of Reinforcement
The Variable-Ratio Reinforcement Schedule
How the Critic Gets Reinforced
Positive Reinforcement for the Critic
Negative Reinforcement for the Critic
Catching Your Critic
CHAPTER 3: DISARMING THE CRITIC
Unmasking His Purpose
Talking Back
Making Your Critic Useless
Summary Chart
CHAPTER 4: ACCURATE SELF-ASSESSMENT
Self-Concept Inventory
Listing Your Weaknesses
Listing Your Strengths
A New Self-Description
Celebrate Your Strengths
CHAPTER 5: COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
The Distortions
1. Overgeneralization
2. Global Labeling
3. Filtering
4. Polarized Thinking
5. Self-Blame
6. Personalization
7. Mind Reading
8. Control Fallacies
9. Emotional Reasoning
Combating Distortions
The Three-Column Technique
Creating Your Rebuttal Voice
Rules for Rebuttal
Rebuttals
1. Overgeneralization
2. Global labeling
3. Filtering
4. Polarized thinking
5. Self-blame
6. Personalization
7. Mind reading
8. Control fallacies
9. Emotional reasoning
CHAPTER 6: DEFUSING PAINFUL THOUGHTS
Watching Your Thoughts
Letting Go of Thoughts
Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go
Distancing from the Critic
Example: Tony and the Three Questions
CHAPTER 7: COMPASSION
Compassion Defined
Understanding
Acceptance
Forgiveness
Toward a Compassionate Mind
The Compassionate Response
The Problem of Worth
Affirming Your Worth
Compassion for Others
Empathy
CHAPTER 8: THE SHOULDS
How Values Are Formed
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values
How Shoulds Affect Your Self-Esteem
Discovering Your Shoulds
Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds
Cutting Off the Should
Atonement—When Shoulds Make Sense
CHAPTER 9: ACTING ON YOUR VALUES
Life Domains
Ten Weeks to Put Values into Action
Planning Committed Action
CHAPTER 10: HANDLING MISTAKES
Reframing Mistakes
Mistakes as Teachers
Mistakes as Warnings
Mistakes: Prerequisite for Spontaneity
Mistakes: The Necessary Quota
Mistakes as Nonexistent in the Present
The Problem of Awareness
Responsibility
The Limits of Awareness
The Habit of Awareness
Raising Your Mistake Consciousness
CHAPTER 11: RESPONDING TO CRITICISM
The Myth of Reality
A TV Screen in Every Head
Screen Inputs
Innate constitution
Physiological state
Emotional state
Habitual behavior patterns
Beliefs
Needs
The Screen as Monster-Maker
Mantra for Handling Criticism
Responding to Criticism
Ineffective Response Styles
Aggressive style
Passive style
Passive-aggressive style
Effective Response Styles
Putting It All Together
CHAPTER 12: ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT
Your Legitimate Needs
Needs Versus Wants
Wants into Words
Distilling the Assertive Request
Whole Messages
Your Thoughts
Your Feelings
Putting It Together
Rules for Requests
CHAPTER 13: GOAL SETTING AND PLANNING
What Do You Want?
Question 1: What Hurts or Feels Bad?
Question 2: What Are You Hungry For?
Question 3: What Are Your Dreams?
Question 4: What Are the Little Comforts?
Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut
Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation
Making Your Goals Specific
Making Mental Movies
Listing the Steps
Making a Commitment
Blocks to Achieving Goals
Insufficient Planning
Insufficient Knowledge
Poor Time Management
1. Prioritize
2. Make To Do Lists
3. Say “No”
Unrealistic Goals
What are the odds?
Fear of Failure
Fear of Success
CHAPTER 14: VISUALIZATION
Why Visualization Works
Visualization Exercises
Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations
Self-Esteem Sessions