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Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem PDF

373 Pages·2016·6.58 MB·English
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Preview Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem

“McKay and Fanning recognize the complexity of the human tendency toward self- criticism. Their carefully written, cognitively oriented self- help book wisely avoids simplistic solutions, offering instead a systematic approach to self- esteem development.” — Robert E. Alberti, PhD, author of Your Perfect Right “Positive self- esteem is the centerpiece of a healthy personality. McKay and Fanning’s book offers us a valuable storehouse of tactics and strategies for constructing— or renovating— the foundation of our self- esteem.” — Philip G. Zimbardo, PhD, author of Shyness “Self- Esteem is truly a very special title. Good writing is especially necessary for self- help titles. … I feel a special enthusiasm in bringing it to the notice of our audience.” — The Midwest Book Review SELF-ESTEEM FOURTH EDITION A PROVEN PROGRAM OF COGNITIVE TECHNIQUES FOR ASSESSING, IMPROVING & MAINTAINING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM MATTHEW MCKAY, PhD PATRICK FANNING New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2016 by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Melissa Valentine Edited by Gretel Hakanson All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file Printed in the United States of America 18 17 16 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing To my loving parents, Bert and Grace Fanning — P. F. In memory of my father, George Edward McKay — M. M. Grateful acknowledgment is made to Eugene B. Sagan, PhD, who introduced me to the pathological critic and some of the important techniques used in this book. — M. M. Contents 1 The Nature of Self- Esteem �������������������������������������������� 1 Causes and Effects How to Use This Book For the Therapist 2 The Pathological Critic �����������������������������������������������17 An Arsenal of Shoulds The Origin of the Critic Why You Listen to the Critic The Role of Reinforcement The Variable- Ratio Reinforcement Schedule How the Critic Gets Reinforced Catching Your Critic 3 Disarming the Critic ��������������������������������������������������38 Unmasking His Purpose Talking Back Making Your Critic Useless Summary Chart 4 Accurate Self- Assessment ��������������������������������������������49 Self-C oncept Inventory Listing Your Weaknesses Listing Your Strengths A New Self- Description Celebrate Your Strengths 5 Cognitive Distortions ������������������������������������������������� 68 The Distortions Combating Distortions 6 Defusing Painful Thoughts ����������������������������������������100 Watching Your Thoughts Letting Go of Thoughts Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go Distancing from the Critic Example: Tony and the Three Questions Self-Esteem 7 Compassion ������������������������������������������������������������109 Compassion Defined Toward a Compassionate Mind The Compassionate Response The Problem of Worth Affirming Your Worth Compassion for Others Empathy 8 The Shoulds ������������������������������������������������������������128 How Values Are Formed The Tyranny of the Shoulds Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values How Shoulds Affect Your Self- Esteem Discovering Your Shoulds Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds Cutting Off the Should Atonement— When Shoulds Make Sense 9 Acting on Your Values ����������������������������������������������158 Life Domains Ten Weeks to Put Values into Action Planning Committed Action 10 Handling Mistakes ���������������������������������������������������172 Reframing Mistakes The Problem of Awareness Responsibility The Limits of Awareness The Habit of Awareness Raising Your Mistake Consciousness 11 Responding to Criticism ��������������������������������������������188 The Myth of Reality Responding to Criticism Putting It All Together 12 Asking for What You Want ���������������������������������������216 Your Legitimate Needs Needs Versus Wants Wants into Words Distilling the Assertive Request Whole Messages 13 Goal Setting and Planning�����������������������������������������232 What Do You Want? Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut vi Contents Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation Making Your Goals Specific Making Mental Movies Listing the Steps Making a Commitment Blocks to Achieving Goals Insufficient Planning Insufficient Knowledge Poor Time Management Unrealistic Goals 14 Visualization �����������������������������������������������������������257 Why Visualization Works Visualization Exercises Rules for Creating Effective Self- Esteem Visualizations Self-E steem Sessions Special Considerations 15 I’m Still Not Okay ��������������������������������������������������� 280 A Special Vulnerability Protecting Against the Pain Facing the Pain The Option of Therapy 16 Core Beliefs �������������������������������������������������������������301 Identifying Core Beliefs New Core Beliefs 17 Building Self- Esteem in Children By Judith McKay, RN �����������������������������������������������317 The Power of Parents Parents as Mirrors Look at Your Child Listening The Language of Self- Esteem Praise Correcting Your Child Discipline The Case Against Punishment Make It Easy to Do It Right Involve Your Child in Solving Problems The Facts of Life— Consequences Autonomy Promoting Social Skills Modeling Self-E steem Bibliography �������������������������������������������������������������������357 vii

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