Self-esteem PDF
Preview Self-esteem
Self-Esteem THIRD EDITION MATTHEW MCKAY, PH.D. PATRICK FANNING New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Publ isher’s Note This publ ic at ion is des igned to prov ide acc ur ate and authorit at ive inf orm at ion in reg ard to the subj ect matt er cove red. It is sold with the und er standi ng that the pub lisher is not eng aged in ren der ing psy cho logi cal, fi nan cial, le gal, or other pro fes sional serv ices. If ex pert as sis tance or couns eli ng is needed, the servi ces of a comp e tent prof ess ional should be sought. Dist ribu ted in Cana da by Rainc oast Books Copyr ight © 2000 by Matt hew McKay and Patr ick Fann ing New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions, Inc. 5674 Shatt uck Aven ue Oakl and, CA 94609 Cover des ign by Amy Shoup Lib rary of Cong ress Catal og Card Numb er: 99-75293 Paperback ISBN-13 978-1-57224-198-5 ISBN-10 1-57224-198-5 PDF eBook ISBN-13 978-1-57224-760-4 All Rights Res erved Printed in the United States of America New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions’ Web site ad dress: www.newhar bin ger.com 08 07 06 20 19 18 17 16 15 To my lov ing par ents, Bert and Grace Fan ning —P. F. In memo ry of my father, George Edward McKay —M. M. Grate ful acknow ledge ment is made to Eugene B. Sagan, Ph.D., who intro duced me to the Patho logi cal Critic and some of the impor tant tech niques used in this book. —M. M. Contents Chap ter 1—The Na ture of Self- Esteem · · · · · · 1 Causes and Ef fects How To Use This Book For the Therap ist Chap ter 2—The Patho logi cal Critic· · · · · · · · 15 An Ar se nal of Shoulds The Orig in of the Critic Why You Lis ten to the Critic The Role of Re in force ment How the Critic Gets Re in forced Catch ing Your Critic Chap ter 3—Dis arm ing the Critic· · · · · · · · · 33 Un mask ing His Pur pose Talk ing Back Mak ing Your Critic Use less Sum mary Chart Chap ter 4—Ac cu rate Self- Assessment · · · · · · 45 Self- Concept In ven tory Listi ng Your Weakn esses List ing Your Strengths A New Self-D escription Cele brate Your Strengths Chap ter 5—Cog ni tive Dis tor tions · · · · · · · · 61 The Dis tor tions Com bat ing Dis tor tions Self-Esteem Chap ter 6—Com pas sion · · · · · · · · · · · · 89 Com pas sion De fined To ward a Com pas sion ate Mind The Probl em of Worth Com pas sion for Oth ers Ex er cises Chap ter 7—The Shoulds· · · · · · · · · · · · 107 How Val ues Are Formed The Tyr anny of the Shoulds Healthy Ver sus Un healthy Val ues How Shoulds Aff ect Your Self-E steem Dis cov er ing Your Shoulds Chal leng ing and Re vis ing Your Shoulds Cut ting Off the Should Atonem ent—When Shoulds Make Sense Chap ter 8—Han dling Mis takes · · · · · · · · · 133 Re fram ing Mis takes The Probl em of Aware ness Rais ing Your Mis take Con scious ness Chap ter 9—Re spond ing to Criti cism · · · · · · · 147 The Myth of Re al ity Res pondi ng to Critic ism Put ting It All To gether Chap ter 10—Ask ing for What You Want· · · · · · 173 Your Le giti mate Needs Needs Ver sus Wants Wants In ven tory Wants into Words Whole Mes sages Chap ter 11—Goal Sett ing and Plan ning · · · · · · 187 What Do You Want? Se lect ing Goals to Work On: The First Cut Se lect ing Goals to Work On: The Evalua tion Maki ng Your Goals Spec ific Mak ing a Com mit ment Blocks to Achiev ing Goals vi Contents Chap ter 12—Visu ali za tion · · · · · · · · · · · 209 Why Visu ali za tion Works Visu ali za tion Ex er cises Rules for Cre at ing Ef fec tive Self- Esteem Visu ali za tions Self- Esteem Ses sions Spe cial Con sid era tions Chap ter 13—Hyp no sis for Self- Acceptance· · · · · 231 Why Hyp no sis? What Is Hypn os is? Ele ments of the Self- Esteem Ind uc tion Re cord ing Your In duc tion The Self- Esteem In duc tion Lis ten ing to Your In duc tion Chap ter 14—I’M Still Not OK · · · · · · · · · · 247 A Spe cial Vul ner abil ity Pro tecti ng Against the Pain Fac ing the Pain The Opt ion of Ther apy Chap ter 15—Core Bel iefs · · · · · · · · · · · 265 Iden ti fy ing Core Be liefs New Core Bel iefs Chap ter 16—Build ing Self-E steem in Chil dren · · · 279 The Power of Pare nts Par ents as Mir rors Look at Your Child Lis ten ing The Lang uage of Self- Esteem Dis ci pline Auton omy Mod el ing Self- Esteem Bib li og ra phy · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · 315 vii 1 The Nature of Self-Esteem Self-e steem is essent ial for psyc ho logic al surv ival. It is an emot ional sine qua non—with out some measu re of self-w orth, life can be enormously pain ful, with many basic needs going unmet. One of the main fac tors dif fer en ti at ing humans from other ani - mals is the awaren ess of self: the abili ty to form an ident ity and then attach a value to it. In other words, you have the capac ity to define who you are and then decide if you like that iden tity or not. The probl em of self- esteem is this human capac ity for judg ment. It’s one thing to dis like cer tain col ors, noises, shapes, or sen sa tions. But when you reject parts of yours elf, you greatly dama ge the psyc hol ogi cal struct ures that lite r ally keep you alive. Judg ing and reject ing your self causes enor mous pain. And in the same way that you would favor and pro tect a physi cal wound, you find your self avoid ing any thing that might aggra vate the pain of self- rejection in any way. You take fewer social, aca demic, or career risks. You make it more dif fi cult for your self to meet peop le, inter- view for a job, or push hard for some thing where you might not succeed. You limit your abil ity to open your self with othe rs, express your sexua l ity, be the cen ter of atten tion, hear criti cism, ask for help, or solve probl ems. To avoid more judgm ents and self- rejection, you erect bar ri ers of defense. Per haps you blame and get angry, or bury your self in perf ec tioni stic work. Or you brag. Or you make excuses. Somet imes you turn to alco hol or drugs.
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