Table Of Content

JAS JL Screens 41 Printers 44 Other hardware 53 Software 59 IBM-compatibles 66 Apple 81 Alternative computers 89 Operating systems 95 MS-DOS 98 Mac system 136 Windows 148 Word processing 159 Ami Pro 162 Microsoft Word 167 Q&A Write 172 Word Perfect 183 Databases 206 ____ The world’s top-rated computer "tutorial visdupbul Q&A File 208 Advanced databases 219 Spreadsheets 220 Excel 222 1-2-3 & Quattro 235 Organizations worldwide call this the BEST computer book. Wild applications 248 Praised by PC Magazine, PC World, New York Times, Scientific American Graphics 249 Desktop publishing 266 Used by CBS News, Wall St. Journal, The Australian, others in 6 continents Sound 269 Multimedia 211 Communication 272 MOMOTS 5 ee ee ee ees OVEFYthing! Accounting 279 Analyzes computers from IBM, Apple, cloner makers, and discount dealers Personal programs 283 Games 302 Tutors you in DOS, Windows, Mac, word processing, and all great software Artificial intelligence 310 Guides you through all the applications, from “Accounting” to “Zany sex” Programming 320 ’ Trains you to program in BASIC, DBASE, PASCAL, C, 20 other languages BASIC One DBASE 450 Reveals the secret tricks, keystrokes, mouse-strokes, ass-savers, and wisdom PASCAL 466 ii i 476 LOGO 486 | Easy, funny, candid, peppy, through, practical, to-the-point! | FORTRAN 496 Kids love it—and teachers recommend it — because the En») glish is so Efr ASY. | | Presidents of computer firms devour it because it reveals INSIDE SECRETS. ‘ce Hard-working adults use it to cut through the bull and become experts FAST. @ Shs © Donated to Oo Internet Archive by Kay Savetz Mail the coupon Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our Congratulations! You’ve decided to learn about computers! many wild services. You also get discounts on extra copies of Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to this book. learn about you. This book turns you into a computer expert even if you’re Love your librarian an idiot. In fact, some of the world’s most famous computer experts have read this book — and are idiots! These details will help your librarian fill in the file cards This book tells you more about computer than your mom and not get fired. recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 19th edition thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown. So-called author: | Russ Walter (also known as “Russy-poo”’) The computer industry has called me a “guru”, showered Publisher: the same servant as the author me with tulips, and found this book “wise”. But some chapters Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville MA 02144 will tempt you to call me a “wiseguy”, yell “goo-goo”, and Copywrong: 1994 by Russ Walter International Standard Book Number (ISBN): 0-939151-19-7 shower me with tomatoes. At least you won’t be bored! Library of Congress: numbers pending; earlier edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3 This is the only book rated “best” by ALL popular computer magazines. It’s the only book that covers ail computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest Elfish fun computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose This book was constructed by elves and associated critters, author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. aiming to make your life elful instead of awful. Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier Lisbeth Shaw Phone me Elfettes: Kira Barnum Maura Cabral Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson Heather Hill I’m the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666. Sorcerer’s apprentices: Linda Gardner Liz Card It’s easy to memorize! After dialing Boston’s area code Meadow sprites: Irene Vassos Richard Grant (617), dial the phone number for the devil’s double: 666-2-666. Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini Jeff Lowe Dial it when you wonder what-the-devil your computer’s Artistes bizarre: Cindy Best Susan Goldenberg Bubbly brights: Anthony Kind Nancy Kafka doing. When computers make you ill, dial “Sick, sick, sick! Gigantic alien brains: Adam Green Roy Krantz Too sick, sick, sick!” Follow this poem: Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman Celena Sun Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan Julianne Wattles Welcome to your new computer. Cantabrigian consorts: Ken Russell Naava Frank I'll be your computer tutor. Mischievous muses: Lili Timmons Shannon Linville Hands on keyboard! Brothers grin: Dan Walter Jim Walter Eyes up front! Women who wonder: Ruth Spingarn Donna Liao Press those keys! Do not grunt! Printer devils: John Pow Semline When you get a bit confused, Art collectors: Dover Formatt Snatch this book and come peruse. Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo If you still can’t find the fix, Call 666-2666. Call whenever you have a question about computers — or Introductory junk life! Pll help you, free, even if your question is weird or My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many read it. kilohours and kilobucks. Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, Call day or night, 24 hours: I’m almost always in, and I without whom I’d be unemployed. sleep just lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I’m not married — except to the computers I’ve fallen in love with. What this book will do for you Tr’ll make you So for free help, phone. (Don’t write.) Begin by saying even richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. your name, city, how you got my number (“from the 19th Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see edition”), and a one-sentence summary of your question. whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to Then we'll have a pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers. another call or meeting, in which Ill call you back free. Each month, I answer thousands of calls personally. I try Acknowledgment I'd like to thank . to help all callers somehow. I'll give you my best help if you my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten); have the current edition of this book, you have the official my students (who naturally aren’t my friends); manual for any program you want help with, and you’ve put my word processor (which has a mind of its own); all others who helped make this book impossible. the phone near any ill computer you want cured. Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. | Come visit Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the Whenever you visit the Boston area, you can drop in, say scintillating illegal activities he depicts. hi, use my free library, and wave at my 50 computers. Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I’m having an is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don’t pay us orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time a cent. Just follow the “free reprint” instructions on page 9. when we’re cooled down. I'll reveal the Secret Path to our pad (just a 5-minute walk from the Porter Square stop on Boston’s Forward ... because it’s too late to turn back. subway). Opening comments 1 personal programs (everything from lovemaking to therapy!), games (I confess that they’re the real reason why most of us buy computers), and artificial intelligence (the The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete attempt to make the computer become human). computer tutorial: it covers everything important about computers! Programming Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed Our world is split into three classes of people: across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8 parts of computer lore: “Buyer’s guide”, “Operating systems”, avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) “Word processing”, “Databases”, “Spreadsheets”, “Wild users (who use computers but don’t really understand them) applications”, “Programming”, and “Endnotes”. programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it Buyer’s guide turns you into a sophisticated programmer. The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, Since the Guide’s explanation of “BASIC” expands your computer jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply. understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait! Start It analyzes each of the computer’s parts (the chips, disks, reading it the same day you start “Databases” — as if you were taking two courses simultaneously. screens, printers, other hardware, and software) and tells To program the computer, you feed it instructions written you the best way to buy a complete computer system. It explains how to buy the most common kind of computers in a computer language. The Guide explains all the popular (IBM-compatibles), the fascinating competitors from Apple, computer languages. It begins with the easiest popular language (BASIC). and alternative computers that are wildly different. The Guide makes specific recommendations about which Then it explains DBASE (the fanciest language for handling databases). It even covers the hot, new, improved brands to buy and where to buy them. It delves into each manufacturer’s goodies and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro). details that salespeople try to hide. It turns you into a German Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The nun, who knows the difference between what’s blessed and Guide explains it, and even PASCAL’s new Turbo versions. what’s wurst. All modern programs for word processing, databases, and spreadsheets were created by using “C”’. The Guide explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors. Operating systems Many elementary schools require their students to learn After getting a computer, you operate it by typing how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide dance across the computer’s screen. The Guide explains 12 explains the popular operating systems: MS-DOS (used by versions of LOGO. IBM), the Mac system (used by the Apple Macintosh), and In the “good old days”, when programmers were treated Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh). like gods, the most popular computer languages were FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses). Word processing Though they’re called “the languages for old fogeys” now, many big computers still thrive on them — and so do many The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make careers! The Guide covers a semester’s course in each. it replace your typewriter. That’s called “word processing”. A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and The word-processing chapter explains how to use the fanciest divides those computer languages into three categories. word-processing programs: Ami Pro (which is hassle-free), Microsoft Word (which performs many nifty tricks), and mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY Word Perfect (the old classic still used by most businesses). radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG Databases The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a Instead of using file cards, put databases on the multilingual dictionary that helps you translate programs to computer! The Guide explains how to use the easiest different computer languages. wonderful database program (Q&A) and analyzes advanced To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the databases that are harder. most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your programs to the Macintosh and other computers. Spreadsheets Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide Endnotes explains how to use the fanciest spreadsheet program: Excel. I hate to admit it, but occasionally computers break! The It also explains how to use competitors (1-2-3 & Quattro), chapter on repairs explains how to fix them. which cost less to run. We members of the computer industry all have skeletons in our closet. The Guide digs up our past and counsels you Wild applications about how to improve your career and your future. The Guide lets you have wild fun and explore frontiers that You also get an explanation of numerical analysis, an are wildly challenging. You learn how to make the computer index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow! handle graphics, desktop publishing, sound, multimedia, communication (with the help of telephones and networking), accounting (incredibly difficult to do right!), 2 Opening comments Buyer Endnotes Chips MS-DOS Excel Repair Chip technology 22 Get into DOS 98 Starting 222 Reduce your risks 591 CPU 23 Simple commands 102 Hop far 225 Using variables General principles 593 Memory chips 28 External commands 108 Adjust rows&columns 226 Helpful hints Booting problems 594 Edit your disks 112 Move 228 Pretty output Keyboard problems 596 Disks Batch files 116 Copy 228 Subs Printer problems 597 Fundamentals 32 Boot 117 After you’ve finished 229 Fancy calcs Insufficient memory 599 Floppy disks 32 Special keys 124 Beautify your cells 231 Style Hard disks 36 Print on paper 126 Sort 233 Weird features Our past CD-ROMs 39 Analyze the computer 127 Chart 234 Versions of BASIC Ancient history 600 Screens TCroipcyk s & protect well 113219 1-2-3 & Quattro DBASE MCyicclreos history 660046 What’s a screen? 41 Starting 235 Get comfortable Your future Televisions 41 Mac system Major editing 239 Create a data file Monitors 42 Start your Mac 136 Column width 241 See your data Become an expert 608 Video terminals 43 Use the mouse 137 Final steps 242 Revise your data Land a computer job 609 Liquid crystals 43 Pull down a menu 138 Advanced views 244 Switch files Set your rates 610 Printers Explode an icon 140 Index files Develop your career 611 Run Teachtext 141 Programs Computerize home 615 Fundamentals 44 Advanced features 143 i ; 248 Control the flow Teach your kids 616 Dot-matrix printers 45 Avoid dangers 619 Ink-jet printers 47 Windows Graphics PASCAL Read good books 621 Laser printers 48 Starting 148 Deluxe Paint 249 Fun Share our knowledge 623 BPreisntt ebru ytse chnology 5409 AMcaciens sowriinedso w 115517 EClxaostsiicc garrat phics 225557 MSiamtphl e variables Numerical analysis Other hardware 3-D drawing 265 IF Errors 624 Loops Estimates 625 Keyboards 53 Desktop publishing Logic tricks Solve equations 626 Graphics-input devices 54 Speakers 55 Ami Pro WPrhiantt Stho obpu y 226667 Advanced variables Index Modems 55 Starting 162 Certificate Maker 268 AY Odd Vendor phone book 628 Tapes 57 Menus & icons 629 Frames 165 Fun Cases 58 Vocabulary 166 Sound Math Languages 630 Surge suppressors 58 Finish 166 Speech 269 Numeric variables Master index A-Z 632 Software Music 270 Character variables Coupons Microsoft Word Logic Kinds of software 59 Multimedia Coupon for friends 638 Starting 167 Operating systems 59 Ribbon 169 What’s multimedia? 271 LOGO Coupon for you 639 Languages 60 Advanced editing 170 Tools 271 Turtle graphics Programs 60 Data 62 File menu 171 Communication Math Structures Software companies 63 Q&A Write Telecommunication 272 Programs Buying software 64 Starting 172 Local-area networks 276 Workspace IBM-compatibles Function keys 175 Ways to share 278 FORTRAN IBM technology 66 Blocks 176 Accounting Final steps 177 Fun How clones are priced 70 General accounting 279 Page layout 178 Math Famous clones 72 Vocabulary 180 Specialized accounting 282 Pleasant I/O Apple Advanced tricks 181 Personal programs Logic Lists Original Apple 81 Word Perfect Analyze yourself 283 Apple 2 81 Fall in love 288 Functions Starting 183 Exotic features Luxurious Apples 83 Replace people 291 Function keys 186 Macs 84 Be poetic 295 COBOL Ending 188 Newton 88 Analyze writing 300 Tricky spacing 190 Fun Who runs Apple? 88 Translate Russian 301 Fancy characters 193 Variables Alternative computers Search for words 196 Games Logic Commodore 89 Automatic typing 198 Board games 302 Data files Tandy 92 Advanced tricks 202 Action games 306 Advanced structures Atari 94 Adventure games 307 Extra comments Strange tongues Artificial intelligence 206 Charts Natural vs. artificial 310 Mainstream languages 542 Q&A File Early dreamers 310 Radicals 555 Starting 208 Understand English 313 Specialists 563 Design file 209 Surveying the field 316 Add data 210 Assembler Search/update 211 Number systems 572 Print 213 Character codes 574 Mass moves 215 SEXY assembler 575 Customize 216 DEBUG 580 Advanced databases Inside the CPU 584 8088 details 588 Relational databases 219 Windows wars 219 Opening comments 3 Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines. Popular Computing: “Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer If you like this book, you’re not alone. cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ computer pundit, they’d need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Praised by computer magazines Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.” “Boston’s computer guru” and praise him for giving free Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll consulting even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they enjoy it. Russ Walter’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers... . authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, PC World: “Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, more college students would reach their commencement day.” the user’s champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.” incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous purchase of their computers.” compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s foolproof tutorials. It’s a wonderful bargain.” long been a cult hit.” Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts computers and haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach as brilliant.” other people about computers, or just want to read a good Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.” book about computers, get the Guide.” Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.” Computer Currents: “Your computer literacy Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.” quotient will always come up short unless you know something Microcomputing: “Pian ahead; get in on the Secret now.” about Russ Walter. He’s a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning Praised by mass-market magazines about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing. next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible. themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter’s candor of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.” cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It jockey; it’s flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. includes Russ Walter’s unbiased view of the successes and His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First- failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix. working your way through it, youll know more than many who No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll use it is well equipped without the Guide.” learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No The Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution other computer book is a better value.” Quarterly”: “The personal-computer subculture was noted for Abacus: “Alternative-culture Walter provides the best its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the current treatment of programming languages. It’s irreverent, few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960’s. It’s simple introductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.” Infoworld: “Russ Walter is recognized and respected in Omni: “Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a home phone number and answers calls by the light of his wealth of information.” computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.” technology guide.” Changing Times: “Russ Walter is a computer whiz whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.” help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers Computer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire everything you ever wanted to know.” spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.” Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and Home _ Office Computing: “Russ Walter is a opinion untainted by bias.” computer missionary who’s a success story.” Barron’s: “Russ Walter is an expert who answers Classroom Computer Learning: “Russ Walter’s questions for free and has been inundated by calls.” courses are intensive and inexpensive.” Compute: “Russ Walter is an industry leader.” 4 Opening comments Praised by computer clubs Praised around the world Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world. their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines. Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It’s computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.” He’s years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals of great ideas.” that attempt to follow his lead.” England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ Western Mass Computer Club: “Russ Walter is Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best present anyone Guide is an extraordinary source of information.” could receive who cares to know more about computers without going crazy.” Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune’”’: “The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ Walter’s plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid. books have been used by insiders for years. He’s special as a This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge and addicting.” of many computers and their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the book seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how Guide is his candid comments about various computers and simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.” software. He’s one of the few people able to review languages, Detroit News: “Russ Walter is a legendary teacher. machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective, It’s the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the history, and culture. If you’re ever struck with a computer dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their problem, give Russ a call.” business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide. New York’s “NYPC”’: “The Guide is the perfect text Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.” for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects book. It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.” for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier’: “Walter’s many advanced concepts that one person could hardly remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the Russ Walter. He’s a fountain of computer knowledge and can thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no- even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.” Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ Walter is the Ann “The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, written. It includes just about everything you’d want to know massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.” about computers. You'll find answers for all the questions you New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, in Walter’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of book doesn’t answer.” themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It’s recommended for Wall Street Journal: “Russ Walter is a computer anyone even slightly interested in computers.” expert, a guru who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are Praised by librarians grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.” Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan written. to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the School Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine Guide. It’s crammed with info. It became an instant success as of information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Walter one of the few microcomputer books that was not only delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a /ot of excellent info. understandable and inexpensive but also witty— a It’s accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy combination still too rare today.” it; you'll like it.” Boston Globe: “Russ Walter is a unique resource, Wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide 1s distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.” It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh Boston Phoenix: “Russ Walter has achieved explication per page than anything else available.” international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.” Opening comments 5 Amaze the professor “I love the Guide! I’ve read it before taking a BASIC course, and I’m amazing my professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois) From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples. work with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro, Intoxicated California) Our books make readers go nuts. Muscle in “So many computer experts speak a language Get_ high “I’m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be | cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for your Guide.” (Beverly, Massachusetts) helping the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana) Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer fellow workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer | while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that Guide. It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania) POO-pOO “I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit Granny’s clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this your Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, learn more & more. Wow!” (Seattle) Georgia) Moment of discovery “After retiring, I searched for Computer dreams “Wow —I loved your book. My something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books Hills, California) bought from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find Thanks.” (Tewksbury, Massachusetts) something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Bury the Book of Songs “This is the — microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule Love in Paris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a for future archaeologists. By reading it, I’ve made my call. Pll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to the computer industry.” (Paris) read the book.” (Park Forest, Illinois) Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) Experts Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, Experts love the Guide. soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago) PC Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book the Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to lets me put it all together.” (San Diego) my little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston) National TV “Great! When are you going on national Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the TV? America needs you!” (Berkeley, California) Guide. It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at National debt “I think you do a fabulous job with Lotus who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following. computers! You should be in Washington & organize our Again, thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts) country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) Math professor “I’m a math profesTsheo Gurid.e’ s the best way in the universe to keep up to date with Beginners computers. People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New York City) Even beginners can master the Guide. Diehard mainframer “It is really neat! I’ve been a Godsend “You're a godsend. You saved me from being mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) your book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and Heights, Ohio) humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston) Refreshed programmers “I passed the Guide Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more them bought. It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California) IBM-ese, to find a book in English!” (Union, New Jersey) Computer disease “I was scared to go near a Research center “Our research center uses and computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can’t misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our wait.” (Paterson, New Jersey) use/misuse ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois) Face-Off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas) 6 Opening comments Careers Pass-alongs The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends. Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my I’ve never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks wants copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) to a presentation based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is happy I bought your book.” (San Francisco) amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey) department of over 250 users!” (New York City) Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous Found Wall Street “Eight years ago, I took your intro and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South programming course. Now I run the computer department of Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her a Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people take it home with her. What could I do? You’ve gone and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s international. I’m ordering another copy. Should I hide the always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to book this time?” (Cinnaminson, New Jersey) wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) Cries and anger “I made the mistake of letting Consultant’s dream “Inspired by your book, your several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I computer field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas delayed several months, and now I’ve got an angry mob come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.” outside my door. While you process my order, I'll try pacifying (Skokie, Illinois) them by reading aloud.” (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help while wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as him understand my computer. It’s become the most widely impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s read book in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida) in Computer Science and English, and I’m contemplating Squabble with Dad “I love the Guide. Dad & I teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.” Guide in peace.” (New York City) (Pennington, New Jersey) Change my brother “The Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to Better late than never effect the same transformation.” (New York City) Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner. Selling clones “I took the Guide to a meeting and 1 year “I learned more from the Guide than from a year used your words as a reason why the group should buy an in the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were looking at. It worked.” (Sparks, Nevada) 5 years “I’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I Make your guru giggle “I showed the Guide to my found your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he’d learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing 17 years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, I ever heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona) I didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. (Hopkinton, Massachusetts) I’m giving them the Guide to increase their computer Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all background. Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh) my life? I wish I'd heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying computer.” (White Stone, Virginia) and better regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois) Hack a Mac “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and Compared with other publishers look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, The Guide’s better than any other book. funniest book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to teach my parents BASIC. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d Better than 10 “I learned more from your Guide than have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.” from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu) (Northport, Alabama) No big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.” (Vancouver, Washington) Rip-off “If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma) Opening comments 7 About the so-called author Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio mercifully short. This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was know. conceived in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program”’) computer. Interview with Russ Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern In this interview, Russ answers the most popular questions computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. about this book and what’s behind it. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they've been Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my racing against each other, to see who’s smartest. The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up much in common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got say Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a computer”. longer, so that the 19th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. I had when J was a student. For example, both are Jewish. What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every The father of the modern computer was John von Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician. are covered in depth. The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous USS. because it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and contains lots of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else. balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled. Why do you charge so little? I’m not trying to The race for brains To try beating the computer, make a profit. ’'m just trying to make people happy— by Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. yummy ’69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless Instead of “charging as much as the market will bear”, I try to you count the computer he got married to). “charge so little that the public will cheer”. After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he’s a day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane back to bed. I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for no answer, I’m out on a brief errand, so please call again. If girls who were very exclusive. (“Exclusive” means everyone can you get an answering machine, I’m out on a longer project: come except you.) just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense, After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught even if it’s long distance. the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th Why do you give phone help free? Are you graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining a masochist, a Saint, or a nut? Ig ive the free help Wesleyan University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I he’s now happily married. don’t have to spend money on advertising. Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his At computer shows, do you really appear electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home as a witch? I wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of over a monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves teaching in the naughty Department of “Graphic Science”. caress an African spear. Why? Because it’s fun! After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, publishing this book. but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and Since his wife was lonely, he bought her 40 computers to staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases. keep her company, with names such as “Anita Atari”, What’s your background? I got degrees in math “Aphrodite the Apple”, “Baby Blue Burping Bonnie”, “Coco and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several the Incredible Clown”, “Jack the Shack”, “Kooky Casio”, colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a “Slick Vic”, and “Terrible Tina with her Texas Instruments”. founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of He hid them in a van and drove them around the country, my expertise comes from spending long hours every day where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer students a thing or two about computer anatomy. questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy Banned in Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, underlying the computer industry. where they hide in a pleasure palace underneath the Porter Square pine tree. Each room in the palace has a nickname. Come visit the “Input Room” (kitchen), bathroom (“Output”), three hi-tech rooms (“Production”, “Research”, and “Creativity”), and four devilish rooms (“Sunshine”, “The Cavern”, “Pleasure”, and “Pain’”). 8 Opening comments

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Secret Guide To Computers 19th edition PDF

644 Pages·1994·77.7 MB·English
by  Russ Walter
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JAS JL Screens 41 Printers 44 Other hardware 53 Software 59 IBM-compatibles 66 Apple 81 Alternative computers 89 Operating systems 95 MS-DOS 98 Mac system 136 Windows 148 Word processing 159 Ami Pro 162 Microsoft Word 167 Q&A Write 172 Word Perfect 183 Databases 206 ____ The world’s top-rated computer "tutorial visdupbul Q&A File 208 Advanced databases 219 Spreadsheets 220 Excel 222 1-2-3 & Quattro 235 Organizations worldwide call this the BEST computer book. Wild applications 248 Praised by PC Magazine, PC World, New York Times, Scientific American Graphics 249 Desktop publishing 266 Used by CBS News, Wall St. Journal, The Australian, others in 6 continents Sound 269 Multimedia 211 Communication 272 MOMOTS 5 ee ee ee ees OVEFYthing! Accounting 279 Analyzes computers from IBM, Apple, cloner makers, and discount dealers Personal programs 283 Games 302 Tutors you in DOS, Windows, Mac, word processing, and all great software Artificial intelligence 310 Guides you through all the applications, from “Accounting” to “Zany sex” Programming 320 ’ Trains you to program in BASIC, DBASE, PASCAL, C, 20 other languages BASIC One DBASE 450 Reveals the secret tricks, keystrokes, mouse-strokes, ass-savers, and wisdom PASCAL 466 ii i 476 LOGO 486 | Easy, funny, candid, peppy, through, practical, to-the-point! | FORTRAN 496 Kids love it—and teachers recommend it — because the En») glish is so Efr ASY. | | Presidents of computer firms devour it because it reveals INSIDE SECRETS. ‘ce Hard-working adults use it to cut through the bull and become experts FAST. @ Shs © Donated to Oo Internet Archive by Kay Savetz Mail the coupon Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our Congratulations! You’ve decided to learn about computers! many wild services. You also get discounts on extra copies of Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to this book. learn about you. This book turns you into a computer expert even if you’re Love your librarian an idiot. In fact, some of the world’s most famous computer experts have read this book — and are idiots! These details will help your librarian fill in the file cards This book tells you more about computer than your mom and not get fired. recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 19th edition thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown. So-called author: | Russ Walter (also known as “Russy-poo”’) The computer industry has called me a “guru”, showered Publisher: the same servant as the author me with tulips, and found this book “wise”. But some chapters Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville MA 02144 will tempt you to call me a “wiseguy”, yell “goo-goo”, and Copywrong: 1994 by Russ Walter International Standard Book Number (ISBN): 0-939151-19-7 shower me with tomatoes. At least you won’t be bored! Library of Congress: numbers pending; earlier edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3 This is the only book rated “best” by ALL popular computer magazines. It’s the only book that covers ail computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest Elfish fun computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose This book was constructed by elves and associated critters, author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. aiming to make your life elful instead of awful. Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier Lisbeth Shaw Phone me Elfettes: Kira Barnum Maura Cabral Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson Heather Hill I’m the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666. Sorcerer’s apprentices: Linda Gardner Liz Card It’s easy to memorize! After dialing Boston’s area code Meadow sprites: Irene Vassos Richard Grant (617), dial the phone number for the devil’s double: 666-2-666. Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini Jeff Lowe Dial it when you wonder what-the-devil your computer’s Artistes bizarre: Cindy Best Susan Goldenberg Bubbly brights: Anthony Kind Nancy Kafka doing. When computers make you ill, dial “Sick, sick, sick! Gigantic alien brains: Adam Green Roy Krantz Too sick, sick, sick!” Follow this poem: Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman Celena Sun Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan Julianne Wattles Welcome to your new computer. Cantabrigian consorts: Ken Russell Naava Frank I'll be your computer tutor. Mischievous muses: Lili Timmons Shannon Linville Hands on keyboard! Brothers grin: Dan Walter Jim Walter Eyes up front! Women who wonder: Ruth Spingarn Donna Liao Press those keys! Do not grunt! Printer devils: John Pow Semline When you get a bit confused, Art collectors: Dover Formatt Snatch this book and come peruse. Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo If you still can’t find the fix, Call 666-2666. Call whenever you have a question about computers — or Introductory junk life! Pll help you, free, even if your question is weird or My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many read it. kilohours and kilobucks. Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, Call day or night, 24 hours: I’m almost always in, and I without whom I’d be unemployed. sleep just lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I’m not married — except to the computers I’ve fallen in love with. What this book will do for you Tr’ll make you So for free help, phone. (Don’t write.) Begin by saying even richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. your name, city, how you got my number (“from the 19th Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see edition”), and a one-sentence summary of your question. whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to Then we'll have a pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers. another call or meeting, in which Ill call you back free. Each month, I answer thousands of calls personally. I try Acknowledgment I'd like to thank . to help all callers somehow. I'll give you my best help if you my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten); have the current edition of this book, you have the official my students (who naturally aren’t my friends); manual for any program you want help with, and you’ve put my word processor (which has a mind of its own); all others who helped make this book impossible. the phone near any ill computer you want cured. Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. | Come visit Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the Whenever you visit the Boston area, you can drop in, say scintillating illegal activities he depicts. hi, use my free library, and wave at my 50 computers. Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I’m having an is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don’t pay us orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time a cent. Just follow the “free reprint” instructions on page 9. when we’re cooled down. I'll reveal the Secret Path to our pad (just a 5-minute walk from the Porter Square stop on Boston’s Forward ... because it’s too late to turn back. subway). Opening comments 1 personal programs (everything from lovemaking to therapy!), games (I confess that they’re the real reason why most of us buy computers), and artificial intelligence (the The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete attempt to make the computer become human). computer tutorial: it covers everything important about computers! Programming Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed Our world is split into three classes of people: across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8 parts of computer lore: “Buyer’s guide”, “Operating systems”, avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) “Word processing”, “Databases”, “Spreadsheets”, “Wild users (who use computers but don’t really understand them) applications”, “Programming”, and “Endnotes”. programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it Buyer’s guide turns you into a sophisticated programmer. The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, Since the Guide’s explanation of “BASIC” expands your computer jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply. understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait! Start It analyzes each of the computer’s parts (the chips, disks, reading it the same day you start “Databases” — as if you were taking two courses simultaneously. screens, printers, other hardware, and software) and tells To program the computer, you feed it instructions written you the best way to buy a complete computer system. It explains how to buy the most common kind of computers in a computer language. The Guide explains all the popular (IBM-compatibles), the fascinating competitors from Apple, computer languages. It begins with the easiest popular language (BASIC). and alternative computers that are wildly different. The Guide makes specific recommendations about which Then it explains DBASE (the fanciest language for handling databases). It even covers the hot, new, improved brands to buy and where to buy them. It delves into each manufacturer’s goodies and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro). details that salespeople try to hide. It turns you into a German Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The nun, who knows the difference between what’s blessed and Guide explains it, and even PASCAL’s new Turbo versions. what’s wurst. All modern programs for word processing, databases, and spreadsheets were created by using “C”’. The Guide explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors. Operating systems Many elementary schools require their students to learn After getting a computer, you operate it by typing how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide dance across the computer’s screen. The Guide explains 12 explains the popular operating systems: MS-DOS (used by versions of LOGO. IBM), the Mac system (used by the Apple Macintosh), and In the “good old days”, when programmers were treated Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh). like gods, the most popular computer languages were FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses). Word processing Though they’re called “the languages for old fogeys” now, many big computers still thrive on them — and so do many The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make careers! The Guide covers a semester’s course in each. it replace your typewriter. That’s called “word processing”. A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and The word-processing chapter explains how to use the fanciest divides those computer languages into three categories. word-processing programs: Ami Pro (which is hassle-free), Microsoft Word (which performs many nifty tricks), and mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY Word Perfect (the old classic still used by most businesses). radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG Databases The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a Instead of using file cards, put databases on the multilingual dictionary that helps you translate programs to computer! The Guide explains how to use the easiest different computer languages. wonderful database program (Q&A) and analyzes advanced To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the databases that are harder. most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your programs to the Macintosh and other computers. Spreadsheets Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide Endnotes explains how to use the fanciest spreadsheet program: Excel. I hate to admit it, but occasionally computers break! The It also explains how to use competitors (1-2-3 & Quattro), chapter on repairs explains how to fix them. which cost less to run. We members of the computer industry all have skeletons in our closet. The Guide digs up our past and counsels you Wild applications about how to improve your career and your future. The Guide lets you have wild fun and explore frontiers that You also get an explanation of numerical analysis, an are wildly challenging. You learn how to make the computer index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow! handle graphics, desktop publishing, sound, multimedia, communication (with the help of telephones and networking), accounting (incredibly difficult to do right!), 2 Opening comments Buyer Endnotes Chips MS-DOS Excel Repair Chip technology 22 Get into DOS 98 Starting 222 Reduce your risks 591 CPU 23 Simple commands 102 Hop far 225 Using variables General principles 593 Memory chips 28 External commands 108 Adjust rows&columns 226 Helpful hints Booting problems 594 Edit your disks 112 Move 228 Pretty output Keyboard problems 596 Disks Batch files 116 Copy 228 Subs Printer problems 597 Fundamentals 32 Boot 117 After you’ve finished 229 Fancy calcs Insufficient memory 599 Floppy disks 32 Special keys 124 Beautify your cells 231 Style Hard disks 36 Print on paper 126 Sort 233 Weird features Our past CD-ROMs 39 Analyze the computer 127 Chart 234 Versions of BASIC Ancient history 600 Screens TCroipcyk s & protect well 113219 1-2-3 & Quattro DBASE MCyicclreos history 660046 What’s a screen? 41 Starting 235 Get comfortable Your future Televisions 41 Mac system Major editing 239 Create a data file Monitors 42 Start your Mac 136 Column width 241 See your data Become an expert 608 Video terminals 43 Use the mouse 137 Final steps 242 Revise your data Land a computer job 609 Liquid crystals 43 Pull down a menu 138 Advanced views 244 Switch files Set your rates 610 Printers Explode an icon 140 Index files Develop your career 611 Run Teachtext 141 Programs Computerize home 615 Fundamentals 44 Advanced features 143 i ; 248 Control the flow Teach your kids 616 Dot-matrix printers 45 Avoid dangers 619 Ink-jet printers 47 Windows Graphics PASCAL Read good books 621 Laser printers 48 Starting 148 Deluxe Paint 249 Fun Share our knowledge 623 BPreisntt ebru ytse chnology 5409 AMcaciens sowriinedso w 115517 EClxaostsiicc garrat phics 225557 MSiamtphl e variables Numerical analysis Other hardware 3-D drawing 265 IF Errors 624 Loops Estimates 625 Keyboards 53 Desktop publishing Logic tricks Solve equations 626 Graphics-input devices 54 Speakers 55 Ami Pro WPrhiantt Stho obpu y 226667 Advanced variables Index Modems 55 Starting 162 Certificate Maker 268 AY Odd Vendor phone book 628 Tapes 57 Menus & icons 629 Frames 165 Fun Cases 58 Vocabulary 166 Sound Math Languages 630 Surge suppressors 58 Finish 166 Speech 269 Numeric variables Master index A-Z 632 Software Music 270 Character variables Coupons Microsoft Word Logic Kinds of software 59 Multimedia Coupon for friends 638 Starting 167 Operating systems 59 Ribbon 169 What’s multimedia? 271 LOGO Coupon for you 639 Languages 60 Advanced editing 170 Tools 271 Turtle graphics Programs 60 Data 62 File menu 171 Communication Math Structures Software companies 63 Q&A Write Telecommunication 272 Programs Buying software 64 Starting 172 Local-area networks 276 Workspace IBM-compatibles Function keys 175 Ways to share 278 FORTRAN IBM technology 66 Blocks 176 Accounting Final steps 177 Fun How clones are priced 70 General accounting 279 Page layout 178 Math Famous clones 72 Vocabulary 180 Specialized accounting 282 Pleasant I/O Apple Advanced tricks 181 Personal programs Logic Lists Original Apple 81 Word Perfect Analyze yourself 283 Apple 2 81 Fall in love 288 Functions Starting 183 Exotic features Luxurious Apples 83 Replace people 291 Function keys 186 Macs 84 Be poetic 295 COBOL Ending 188 Newton 88 Analyze writing 300 Tricky spacing 190 Fun Who runs Apple? 88 Translate Russian 301 Fancy characters 193 Variables Alternative computers Search for words 196 Games Logic Commodore 89 Automatic typing 198 Board games 302 Data files Tandy 92 Advanced tricks 202 Action games 306 Advanced structures Atari 94 Adventure games 307 Extra comments Strange tongues Artificial intelligence 206 Charts Natural vs. artificial 310 Mainstream languages 542 Q&A File Early dreamers 310 Radicals 555 Starting 208 Understand English 313 Specialists 563 Design file 209 Surveying the field 316 Add data 210 Assembler Search/update 211 Number systems 572 Print 213 Character codes 574 Mass moves 215 SEXY assembler 575 Customize 216 DEBUG 580 Advanced databases Inside the CPU 584 8088 details 588 Relational databases 219 Windows wars 219 Opening comments 3 Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines. Popular Computing: “Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer If you like this book, you’re not alone. cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ computer pundit, they’d need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Praised by computer magazines Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.” “Boston’s computer guru” and praise him for giving free Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll consulting even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they enjoy it. Russ Walter’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers... . authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, PC World: “Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, more college students would reach their commencement day.” the user’s champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.” incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous purchase of their computers.” compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s foolproof tutorials. It’s a wonderful bargain.” long been a cult hit.” Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts computers and haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach as brilliant.” other people about computers, or just want to read a good Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.” book about computers, get the Guide.” Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.” Computer Currents: “Your computer literacy Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.” quotient will always come up short unless you know something Microcomputing: “Pian ahead; get in on the Secret now.” about Russ Walter. He’s a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning Praised by mass-market magazines about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing. next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible. themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter’s candor of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.” cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It jockey; it’s flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. includes Russ Walter’s unbiased view of the successes and His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First- failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix. working your way through it, youll know more than many who No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll use it is well equipped without the Guide.” learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No The Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution other computer book is a better value.” Quarterly”: “The personal-computer subculture was noted for Abacus: “Alternative-culture Walter provides the best its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the current treatment of programming languages. It’s irreverent, few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960’s. It’s simple introductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.” Infoworld: “Russ Walter is recognized and respected in Omni: “Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a home phone number and answers calls by the light of his wealth of information.” computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.” technology guide.” Changing Times: “Russ Walter is a computer whiz whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.” help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers Computer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire everything you ever wanted to know.” spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.” Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and Home _ Office Computing: “Russ Walter is a opinion untainted by bias.” computer missionary who’s a success story.” Barron’s: “Russ Walter is an expert who answers Classroom Computer Learning: “Russ Walter’s questions for free and has been inundated by calls.” courses are intensive and inexpensive.” Compute: “Russ Walter is an industry leader.” 4 Opening comments Praised by computer clubs Praised around the world Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world. their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines. Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It’s computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.” He’s years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals of great ideas.” that attempt to follow his lead.” England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ Western Mass Computer Club: “Russ Walter is Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best present anyone Guide is an extraordinary source of information.” could receive who cares to know more about computers without going crazy.” Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune’”’: “The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ Walter’s plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid. books have been used by insiders for years. He’s special as a This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge and addicting.” of many computers and their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the book seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how Guide is his candid comments about various computers and simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.” software. He’s one of the few people able to review languages, Detroit News: “Russ Walter is a legendary teacher. machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective, It’s the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the history, and culture. If you’re ever struck with a computer dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their problem, give Russ a call.” business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide. New York’s “NYPC”’: “The Guide is the perfect text Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.” for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects book. It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.” for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier’: “Walter’s many advanced concepts that one person could hardly remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the Russ Walter. He’s a fountain of computer knowledge and can thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no- even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.” Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ Walter is the Ann “The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, written. It includes just about everything you’d want to know massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.” about computers. You'll find answers for all the questions you New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, in Walter’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of book doesn’t answer.” themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It’s recommended for Wall Street Journal: “Russ Walter is a computer anyone even slightly interested in computers.” expert, a guru who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are Praised by librarians grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.” Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan written. to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the School Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine Guide. It’s crammed with info. It became an instant success as of information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Walter one of the few microcomputer books that was not only delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a /ot of excellent info. understandable and inexpensive but also witty— a It’s accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy combination still too rare today.” it; you'll like it.” Boston Globe: “Russ Walter is a unique resource, Wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide 1s distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.” It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh Boston Phoenix: “Russ Walter has achieved explication per page than anything else available.” international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.” Opening comments 5 Amaze the professor “I love the Guide! I’ve read it before taking a BASIC course, and I’m amazing my professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois) From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples. work with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro, Intoxicated California) Our books make readers go nuts. Muscle in “So many computer experts speak a language Get_ high “I’m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be | cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for your Guide.” (Beverly, Massachusetts) helping the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana) Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer fellow workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer | while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that Guide. It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania) POO-pOO “I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit Granny’s clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this your Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, learn more & more. Wow!” (Seattle) Georgia) Moment of discovery “After retiring, I searched for Computer dreams “Wow —I loved your book. My something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books Hills, California) bought from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find Thanks.” (Tewksbury, Massachusetts) something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Bury the Book of Songs “This is the — microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule Love in Paris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a for future archaeologists. By reading it, I’ve made my call. Pll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to the computer industry.” (Paris) read the book.” (Park Forest, Illinois) Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) Experts Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, Experts love the Guide. soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago) PC Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book the Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to lets me put it all together.” (San Diego) my little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston) National TV “Great! When are you going on national Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the TV? America needs you!” (Berkeley, California) Guide. It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at National debt “I think you do a fabulous job with Lotus who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following. computers! You should be in Washington & organize our Again, thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts) country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) Math professor “I’m a math profesTsheo Gurid.e’ s the best way in the universe to keep up to date with Beginners computers. People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New York City) Even beginners can master the Guide. Diehard mainframer “It is really neat! I’ve been a Godsend “You're a godsend. You saved me from being mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) your book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and Heights, Ohio) humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston) Refreshed programmers “I passed the Guide Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more them bought. It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California) IBM-ese, to find a book in English!” (Union, New Jersey) Computer disease “I was scared to go near a Research center “Our research center uses and computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can’t misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our wait.” (Paterson, New Jersey) use/misuse ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois) Face-Off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas) 6 Opening comments Careers Pass-alongs The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends. Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my I’ve never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks wants copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) to a presentation based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is happy I bought your book.” (San Francisco) amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey) department of over 250 users!” (New York City) Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous Found Wall Street “Eight years ago, I took your intro and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South programming course. Now I run the computer department of Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her a Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people take it home with her. What could I do? You’ve gone and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s international. I’m ordering another copy. Should I hide the always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to book this time?” (Cinnaminson, New Jersey) wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) Cries and anger “I made the mistake of letting Consultant’s dream “Inspired by your book, your several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I computer field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas delayed several months, and now I’ve got an angry mob come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.” outside my door. While you process my order, I'll try pacifying (Skokie, Illinois) them by reading aloud.” (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help while wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as him understand my computer. It’s become the most widely impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s read book in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida) in Computer Science and English, and I’m contemplating Squabble with Dad “I love the Guide. Dad & I teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.” Guide in peace.” (New York City) (Pennington, New Jersey) Change my brother “The Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to Better late than never effect the same transformation.” (New York City) Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner. Selling clones “I took the Guide to a meeting and 1 year “I learned more from the Guide than from a year used your words as a reason why the group should buy an in the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were looking at. It worked.” (Sparks, Nevada) 5 years “I’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I Make your guru giggle “I showed the Guide to my found your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted he’d learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing 17 years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, I ever heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona) I didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. (Hopkinton, Massachusetts) I’m giving them the Guide to increase their computer Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all background. Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh) my life? I wish I'd heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying computer.” (White Stone, Virginia) and better regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois) Hack a Mac “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and Compared with other publishers look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, The Guide’s better than any other book. funniest book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to teach my parents BASIC. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d Better than 10 “I learned more from your Guide than have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.” from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu) (Northport, Alabama) No big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.” (Vancouver, Washington) Rip-off “If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma) Opening comments 7 About the so-called author Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio mercifully short. This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was know. conceived in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program”’) computer. Interview with Russ Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern In this interview, Russ answers the most popular questions computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. about this book and what’s behind it. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they've been Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my racing against each other, to see who’s smartest. The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up much in common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got say Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a computer”. longer, so that the 19th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. I had when J was a student. For example, both are Jewish. What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every The father of the modern computer was John von Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician. are covered in depth. The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous USS. because it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and contains lots of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else. balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled. Why do you charge so little? I’m not trying to The race for brains To try beating the computer, make a profit. ’'m just trying to make people happy— by Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. yummy ’69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless Instead of “charging as much as the market will bear”, I try to you count the computer he got married to). “charge so little that the public will cheer”. After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he’s a day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being a junior-high teacher. middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane back to bed. I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for no answer, I’m out on a brief errand, so please call again. If girls who were very exclusive. (“Exclusive” means everyone can you get an answering machine, I’m out on a longer project: come except you.) just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense, After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught even if it’s long distance. the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th Why do you give phone help free? Are you graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining a masochist, a Saint, or a nut? Ig ive the free help Wesleyan University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I he’s now happily married. don’t have to spend money on advertising. Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his At computer shows, do you really appear electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home as a witch? I wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of over a monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves teaching in the naughty Department of “Graphic Science”. caress an African spear. Why? Because it’s fun! After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, publishing this book. but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and Since his wife was lonely, he bought her 40 computers to staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases. keep her company, with names such as “Anita Atari”, What’s your background? I got degrees in math “Aphrodite the Apple”, “Baby Blue Burping Bonnie”, “Coco and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several the Incredible Clown”, “Jack the Shack”, “Kooky Casio”, colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a “Slick Vic”, and “Terrible Tina with her Texas Instruments”. founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of He hid them in a van and drove them around the country, my expertise comes from spending long hours every day where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer students a thing or two about computer anatomy. questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy Banned in Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north, underlying the computer industry. where they hide in a pleasure palace underneath the Porter Square pine tree. Each room in the palace has a nickname. Come visit the “Input Room” (kitchen), bathroom (“Output”), three hi-tech rooms (“Production”, “Research”, and “Creativity”), and four devilish rooms (“Sunshine”, “The Cavern”, “Pleasure”, and “Pain’”). 8 Opening comments

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