Table Of ContentJAS JL
Screens 41
Printers 44
Other hardware 53
Software 59
IBM-compatibles 66
Apple 81
Alternative computers 89
Operating systems 95
MS-DOS 98
Mac system 136
Windows 148
Word processing 159
Ami Pro 162
Microsoft Word 167
Q&A Write 172
Word Perfect 183
Databases 206
____ The world’s top-rated computer "tutorial visdupbul
Q&A File 208
Advanced databases 219
Spreadsheets 220
Excel 222
1-2-3 & Quattro 235
Organizations worldwide call this the BEST computer book.
Wild applications 248
Praised by PC Magazine, PC World, New York Times, Scientific American Graphics 249
Desktop publishing 266
Used by CBS News, Wall St. Journal, The Australian, others in 6 continents
Sound 269
Multimedia 211
Communication 272
MOMOTS 5 ee ee ee ees OVEFYthing!
Accounting 279
Analyzes computers from IBM, Apple, cloner makers, and discount dealers Personal programs 283
Games 302
Tutors you in DOS, Windows, Mac, word processing, and all great software
Artificial intelligence 310
Guides you through all the applications, from “Accounting” to “Zany sex” Programming 320
’ Trains you to program in BASIC, DBASE, PASCAL, C, 20 other languages BASIC One
DBASE 450
Reveals the secret tricks, keystrokes, mouse-strokes, ass-savers, and wisdom
PASCAL 466 ii
i 476
LOGO 486 |
Easy, funny, candid, peppy, through, practical, to-the-point! |
FORTRAN 496
Kids love it—and teachers recommend it — because the En») glish is so Efr ASY. |
| Presidents of computer firms devour it because it reveals INSIDE SECRETS.
‘ce Hard-working adults use it to cut through the bull and become experts FAST. @
Shs
© Donated to Oo
Internet Archive by
Kay Savetz
Mail the coupon
Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It puts
you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our
Congratulations! You’ve decided to learn about computers!
many wild services. You also get discounts on extra copies of
Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to
this book.
learn about you.
This book turns you into a computer expert even if you’re
Love your librarian
an idiot. In fact, some of the world’s most famous computer
experts have read this book — and are idiots! These details will help your librarian fill in the file cards
This book tells you more about computer than your mom and not get fired.
recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches,
Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 19th edition
thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown.
So-called author: | Russ Walter (also known as “Russy-poo”’)
The computer industry has called me a “guru”, showered
Publisher: the same servant as the author
me with tulips, and found this book “wise”. But some chapters Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville MA 02144
will tempt you to call me a “wiseguy”, yell “goo-goo”, and Copywrong: 1994 by Russ Walter
International Standard Book Number (ISBN): 0-939151-19-7
shower me with tomatoes. At least you won’t be bored!
Library of Congress: numbers pending; earlier edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3
This is the only book rated “best” by ALL popular
computer magazines. It’s the only book that covers ail
computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest Elfish fun
computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose This book was constructed by elves and associated critters,
author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. aiming to make your life elful instead of awful.
Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier Lisbeth Shaw
Phone me
Elfettes: Kira Barnum Maura Cabral
Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson Heather Hill
I’m the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666.
Sorcerer’s apprentices: Linda Gardner Liz Card
It’s easy to memorize! After dialing Boston’s area code
Meadow sprites: Irene Vassos Richard Grant
(617), dial the phone number for the devil’s double: 666-2-666. Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini Jeff Lowe
Dial it when you wonder what-the-devil your computer’s Artistes bizarre: Cindy Best Susan Goldenberg
Bubbly brights: Anthony Kind Nancy Kafka
doing. When computers make you ill, dial “Sick, sick, sick!
Gigantic alien brains: Adam Green Roy Krantz
Too sick, sick, sick!” Follow this poem:
Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman Celena Sun
Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan Julianne Wattles
Welcome to your new computer.
Cantabrigian consorts: Ken Russell Naava Frank
I'll be your computer tutor.
Mischievous muses: Lili Timmons Shannon Linville
Hands on keyboard!
Brothers grin: Dan Walter Jim Walter
Eyes up front!
Women who wonder: Ruth Spingarn Donna Liao
Press those keys! Do not grunt!
Printer devils: John Pow Semline
When you get a bit confused, Art collectors: Dover Formatt
Snatch this book and come peruse. Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo
If you still can’t find the fix,
Call 666-2666.
Call whenever you have a question about computers — or Introductory junk
life! Pll help you, free, even if your question is weird or My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to
personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many read it.
kilohours and kilobucks.
Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer,
Call day or night, 24 hours: I’m almost always in, and I
without whom I’d be unemployed.
sleep just lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I’m not
married — except to the computers I’ve fallen in love with. What this book will do for you Tr’ll make you
So for free help, phone. (Don’t write.) Begin by saying even richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke.
your name, city, how you got my number (“from the 19th Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see
edition”), and a one-sentence summary of your question.
whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to
Then we'll have a pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of
ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers.
another call or meeting, in which Ill call you back free.
Each month, I answer thousands of calls personally. I try Acknowledgment I'd like to thank .
to help all callers somehow. I'll give you my best help if you
my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten);
have the current edition of this book, you have the official my students (who naturally aren’t my friends);
manual for any program you want help with, and you’ve put my word processor (which has a mind of its own);
all others who helped make this book impossible.
the phone near any ill computer you want cured.
Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors.
| Come visit Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the
Whenever you visit the Boston area, you can drop in, say scintillating illegal activities he depicts.
hi, use my free library, and wave at my 50 computers.
Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying
Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I’m having an
is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don’t pay us
orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time
a cent. Just follow the “free reprint” instructions on page 9.
when we’re cooled down. I'll reveal the Secret Path to our pad
(just a 5-minute walk from the Porter Square stop on Boston’s Forward ... because it’s too late to turn back.
subway).
Opening comments 1
personal programs (everything from lovemaking to
therapy!), games (I confess that they’re the real reason why
most of us buy computers), and artificial intelligence (the
The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete attempt to make the computer become human).
computer tutorial: it covers everything important about
computers! Programming
Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed
Our world is split into three classes of people:
across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8
parts of computer lore: “Buyer’s guide”, “Operating systems”, avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them)
“Word processing”, “Databases”, “Spreadsheets”, “Wild
users (who use computers but don’t really understand them)
applications”, “Programming”, and “Endnotes”.
programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks)
The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3: it
Buyer’s guide turns you into a sophisticated programmer.
The Guide begins by explaining computer technology, Since the Guide’s explanation of “BASIC” expands your
computer jargon, and how to buy a great computer cheaply. understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait! Start
It analyzes each of the computer’s parts (the chips, disks, reading it the same day you start “Databases” — as if you
were taking two courses simultaneously.
screens, printers, other hardware, and software) and tells
To program the computer, you feed it instructions written
you the best way to buy a complete computer system. It
explains how to buy the most common kind of computers in a computer language. The Guide explains all the popular
(IBM-compatibles), the fascinating competitors from Apple, computer languages.
It begins with the easiest popular language (BASIC).
and alternative computers that are wildly different.
The Guide makes specific recommendations about which Then it explains DBASE (the fanciest language for
handling databases). It even covers the hot, new, improved
brands to buy and where to buy them. It delves into each
manufacturer’s goodies and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro).
details that salespeople try to hide. It turns you into a German Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The
nun, who knows the difference between what’s blessed and Guide explains it, and even PASCAL’s new Turbo versions.
what’s wurst. All modern programs for word processing, databases, and
spreadsheets were created by using “C”’. The Guide explains
Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors.
Operating systems
Many elementary schools require their students to learn
After getting a computer, you operate it by typing how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles
commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide dance across the computer’s screen. The Guide explains 12
explains the popular operating systems: MS-DOS (used by versions of LOGO.
IBM), the Mac system (used by the Apple Macintosh), and In the “good old days”, when programmers were treated
Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh). like gods, the most popular computer languages were
FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses).
Word processing Though they’re called “the languages for old fogeys” now,
many big computers still thrive on them — and so do many
The most popular thing to do with a computer is to make
careers! The Guide covers a semester’s course in each.
it replace your typewriter. That’s called “word processing”.
A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and
The word-processing chapter explains how to use the fanciest
divides those computer languages into three categories.
word-processing programs: Ami Pro (which is hassle-free),
Microsoft Word (which performs many nifty tricks), and mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I,
PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY
Word Perfect (the old classic still used by most businesses).
radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT
specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG
Databases
The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a
Instead of using file cards, put databases on the
multilingual dictionary that helps you translate programs to
computer! The Guide explains how to use the easiest
different computer languages.
wonderful database program (Q&A) and analyzes advanced
To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the
databases that are harder.
most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your
programs to the Macintosh and other computers.
Spreadsheets
Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide Endnotes
explains how to use the fanciest spreadsheet program: Excel.
I hate to admit it, but occasionally computers break! The
It also explains how to use competitors (1-2-3 & Quattro),
chapter on repairs explains how to fix them.
which cost less to run.
We members of the computer industry all have skeletons
in our closet. The Guide digs up our past and counsels you
Wild applications about how to improve your career and your future.
The Guide lets you have wild fun and explore frontiers that You also get an explanation of numerical analysis, an
are wildly challenging. You learn how to make the computer index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more
goodies! Wow!
handle graphics, desktop publishing, sound, multimedia,
communication (with the help of telephones and
networking), accounting (incredibly difficult to do right!),
2 Opening comments
Buyer Endnotes
Chips MS-DOS Excel Repair
Chip technology 22 Get into DOS 98 Starting 222 Reduce your risks 591
CPU 23 Simple commands 102 Hop far 225 Using variables General principles 593
Memory chips 28 External commands 108 Adjust rows&columns 226 Helpful hints Booting problems 594
Edit your disks 112 Move 228 Pretty output Keyboard problems 596
Disks
Batch files 116 Copy 228 Subs Printer problems 597
Fundamentals 32 Boot 117 After you’ve finished 229 Fancy calcs Insufficient memory 599
Floppy disks 32 Special keys 124 Beautify your cells 231 Style
Hard disks 36 Print on paper 126 Sort 233 Weird features Our past
CD-ROMs 39 Analyze the computer 127 Chart 234 Versions of BASIC Ancient history 600
Screens TCroipcyk s & protect well 113219 1-2-3 & Quattro DBASE MCyicclreos history 660046
What’s a screen? 41 Starting 235 Get comfortable
Your future
Televisions 41 Mac system Major editing 239 Create a data file
Monitors 42 Start your Mac 136 Column width 241 See your data Become an expert 608
Video terminals 43 Use the mouse 137 Final steps 242 Revise your data Land a computer job 609
Liquid crystals 43 Pull down a menu 138 Advanced views 244 Switch files Set your rates 610
Printers Explode an icon 140 Index files Develop your career 611
Run Teachtext 141 Programs Computerize home 615
Fundamentals 44 Advanced features 143 i ; 248 Control the flow Teach your kids 616
Dot-matrix printers 45 Avoid dangers 619
Ink-jet printers 47 Windows Graphics PASCAL Read good books 621
Laser printers 48 Starting 148 Deluxe Paint 249 Fun Share our knowledge 623
BPreisntt ebru ytse chnology 5409 AMcaciens sowriinedso w 115517 EClxaostsiicc garrat phics 225557 MSiamtphl e variables Numerical analysis
Other hardware 3-D drawing 265 IF Errors 624
Loops Estimates 625
Keyboards 53 Desktop publishing Logic tricks Solve equations 626
Graphics-input devices 54
Speakers 55 Ami Pro WPrhiantt Stho obpu y 226667 Advanced variables Index
Modems 55 Starting 162 Certificate Maker 268 AY Odd Vendor phone book 628
Tapes 57 Menus & icons 629
Frames 165 Fun
Cases 58 Vocabulary 166 Sound Math Languages 630
Surge suppressors 58 Finish 166 Speech 269 Numeric variables Master index A-Z 632
Software Music 270 Character variables Coupons
Microsoft Word Logic
Kinds of software 59 Multimedia Coupon for friends 638
Starting 167
Operating systems 59 Ribbon 169 What’s multimedia? 271 LOGO Coupon for you 639
Languages 60 Advanced editing 170 Tools 271 Turtle graphics
Programs 60
Data 62 File menu 171 Communication Math
Structures
Software companies 63 Q&A Write Telecommunication 272 Programs
Buying software 64 Starting 172 Local-area networks 276 Workspace
IBM-compatibles Function keys 175 Ways to share 278
FORTRAN
IBM technology 66 Blocks 176 Accounting
Final steps 177 Fun
How clones are priced 70 General accounting 279
Page layout 178 Math
Famous clones 72 Vocabulary 180 Specialized accounting 282 Pleasant I/O
Apple Advanced tricks 181 Personal programs Logic
Lists
Original Apple 81 Word Perfect Analyze yourself 283
Apple 2 81 Fall in love 288 Functions
Starting 183 Exotic features
Luxurious Apples 83 Replace people 291
Function keys 186
Macs 84 Be poetic 295 COBOL
Ending 188
Newton 88 Analyze writing 300
Tricky spacing 190 Fun
Who runs Apple? 88 Translate Russian 301
Fancy characters 193 Variables
Alternative computers Search for words 196 Games Logic
Commodore 89 Automatic typing 198 Board games 302 Data files
Tandy 92 Advanced tricks 202 Action games 306 Advanced structures
Atari 94 Adventure games 307 Extra comments
Strange tongues
Artificial intelligence
206 Charts
Natural vs. artificial 310
Mainstream languages 542
Q&A File Early dreamers 310
Radicals 555
Starting 208 Understand English 313
Specialists 563
Design file 209 Surveying the field 316
Add data 210 Assembler
Search/update 211 Number systems 572
Print 213 Character codes 574
Mass moves 215 SEXY assembler 575
Customize 216 DEBUG 580
Advanced databases Inside the CPU 584
8088 details 588
Relational databases 219
Windows wars 219
Opening comments 3
Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the
Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines.
Popular Computing: “Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer
If you like this book, you’re not alone.
cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our
hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’
computer pundit, they’d need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry
Praised by computer magazines
Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is
All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.”
“Boston’s computer guru” and praise him for giving free Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll
consulting even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they enjoy it. Russ Walter’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other
evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers... . authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright
entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style,
PC World: “Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, more college students would reach their commencement day.”
the user’s champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand,
and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.”
incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the
wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous purchase of their computers.”
compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s
foolproof tutorials. It’s a wonderful bargain.” long been a cult hit.”
Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts
computers and haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach as brilliant.”
other people about computers, or just want to read a good Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.”
book about computers, get the Guide.” Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.”
Computer Currents: “Your computer literacy Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.”
quotient will always come up short unless you know something Microcomputing: “Pian ahead; get in on the Secret now.”
about Russ Walter. He’s a folk hero. He knows virtually
everything about personal computers and makes learning
Praised by mass-market magazines
about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay
at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing.
next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible.
themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy
Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter’s candor
of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The
shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or
Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.”
cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation
PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside
industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc
applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It jockey; it’s flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored.
includes Russ Walter’s unbiased view of the successes and His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First-
failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix.
working your way through it, youll know more than many who No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to
make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll use it is well equipped without the Guide.”
learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No
The Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution
other computer book is a better value.”
Quarterly”: “The personal-computer subculture was noted for
Abacus: “Alternative-culture Walter provides the best its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the
current treatment of programming languages. It’s irreverent, few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only
reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960’s. It’s simple introductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ
to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The
computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.”
Infoworld: “Russ Walter is recognized and respected in Omni: “Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with
many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his
instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a home phone number and answers calls by the light of his
wealth of information.” computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent
Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.”
technology guide.” Changing Times: “Russ Walter is a computer whiz
whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a
Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional
doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for
computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.”
help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers
Computer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire everything you ever wanted to know.”
spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.”
Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and
Home _ Office Computing: “Russ Walter is a opinion untainted by bias.”
computer missionary who’s a success story.”
Barron’s: “Russ Walter is an expert who answers
Classroom Computer Learning: “Russ Walter’s questions for free and has been inundated by calls.”
courses are intensive and inexpensive.”
Compute: “Russ Walter is an industry leader.”
4 Opening comments
Praised by computer clubs Praised around the world
Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world.
their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines.
Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The
Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the
graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It’s
computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.”
He’s years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of
The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of
instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor
programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full
and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals
of great ideas.”
that attempt to follow his lead.”
England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ
Western Mass Computer Club: “Russ Walter is
Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned
considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is
computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His
the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best present anyone
Guide is an extraordinary source of information.”
could receive who cares to know more about computers
without going crazy.” Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune’”’: “The Guide
invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and
Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ Walter’s
plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid.
books have been used by insiders for years. He’s special as a
This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring,
teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge
and addicting.”
of many computers and their languages, operating system, and
applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’
smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the book seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how
Guide is his candid comments about various computers and simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.”
software. He’s one of the few people able to review languages, Detroit News: “Russ Walter is a legendary teacher.
machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info.
the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective,
It’s the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the
history, and culture. If you’re ever struck with a computer
dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their
problem, give Russ a call.”
business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide.
New York’s “NYPC”’: “The Guide is the perfect text Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.”
for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer
contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects
book. It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ
otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better
Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.”
for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many,
Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier’: “Walter’s
many advanced concepts that one person could hardly
remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the
Russ Walter. He’s a fountain of computer knowledge and can thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no-
even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order
a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The
anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.”
Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ Walter is the Ann
“The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky,
written. It includes just about everything you’d want to know massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.”
about computers. You'll find answers for all the questions you New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel
thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, in Walter’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the
Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his
and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of book doesn’t answer.”
themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It’s recommended for
Wall Street Journal: “Russ Walter is a computer
anyone even slightly interested in computers.”
expert, a guru who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings
religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are
Praised by librarians
grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.”
Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan
written.
to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the
School Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine Guide. It’s crammed with info. It became an instant success as
of information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Walter one of the few microcomputer books that was not only
delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a /ot of excellent info. understandable and inexpensive but also witty— a
It’s accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy combination still too rare today.”
it; you'll like it.” Boston Globe: “Russ Walter is a unique resource,
Wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide 1s
distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.”
It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh
Boston Phoenix: “Russ Walter has achieved
explication per page than anything else available.”
international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his
comprehensive Guide is a great deal.”
Opening comments 5
Amaze the professor “I love the Guide! I’ve read
it before taking a BASIC course, and I’m amazing my
professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois)
From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and
Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I
phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples.
work with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer
encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro,
Intoxicated California)
Our books make readers go nuts. Muscle in “So many computer experts speak a language
Get_ high “I’m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be |
cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for
your Guide.” (Beverly, Massachusetts) helping the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana)
Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer
fellow workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer |
while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that
Guide. It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania)
POO-pOO “I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit Granny’s clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My
down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got
not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this your Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to
computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, learn more & more. Wow!” (Seattle)
Georgia) Moment of discovery “After retiring, I searched for
Computer dreams “Wow —I loved your book. My something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and
husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books
Hills, California) bought from computer stores, the more confused I became.
Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I
Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my
discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer!
wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find
Thanks.” (Tewksbury, Massachusetts)
something else to do, which often causes serious degradation
of reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Bury the Book of Songs “This is the —
microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule
Love in Paris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a
for future archaeologists. By reading it, I’ve made my
call. Pll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in
computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to
the computer industry.” (Paris)
read the book.” (Park Forest, Illinois)
Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester,
Massachusetts)
Experts
Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac,
Experts love the Guide.
soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago)
PC Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think
God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book
the Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to
lets me put it all together.” (San Diego)
my little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston)
National TV “Great! When are you going on national
Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the
TV? America needs you!” (Berkeley, California)
Guide. It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at
National debt “I think you do a fabulous job with Lotus who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following.
computers! You should be in Washington & organize our Again, thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts)
country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) Math professor “I’m a math profesTsheo Gurid.e’ s
the best way in the universe to keep up to date with
Beginners computers. People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all
there.” (New York City)
Even beginners can master the Guide.
Diehard mainframer “It is really neat! I’ve been a
Godsend “You're a godsend. You saved me from being
mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when
bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston)
your book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland
Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and Heights, Ohio)
humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston)
Refreshed programmers “I passed the Guide
Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of
companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more them bought. It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of
questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California) IBM-ese, to find a book in English!” (Union, New Jersey)
Computer disease “I was scared to go near a Research center “Our research center uses and
computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can’t misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our
wait.” (Paterson, New Jersey) use/misuse ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois)
Face-Off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my
computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas)
6 Opening comments
Careers Pass-alongs
The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends.
Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my
I’ve never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it
entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks wants copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio)
to a presentation based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very
Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is
happy I bought your book.” (San Francisco)
amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my
Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your
excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey)
department of over 250 users!” (New York City)
Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous
Found Wall Street “Eight years ago, I took your intro and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South
programming course. Now I run the computer department of Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her
a Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people take it home with her. What could I do? You’ve gone
and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s international. I’m ordering another copy. Should I hide the
always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to book this time?” (Cinnaminson, New Jersey)
wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York)
Cries and anger “I made the mistake of letting
Consultant’s dream “Inspired by your book, your several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I
love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown
that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I
computer field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas delayed several months, and now I’ve got an angry mob
come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.” outside my door. While you process my order, I'll try pacifying
(Skokie, Illinois) them by reading aloud.” (Winston-Salem, North Carolina)
Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help
while wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as him understand my computer. It’s become the most widely
impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s read book in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida)
in Computer Science and English, and I’m contemplating
Squabble with Dad “I love the Guide. Dad & I
teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no
squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the
better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.”
Guide in peace.” (New York City)
(Pennington, New Jersey)
Change my brother “The Guide changed my
computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to
Better late than never
effect the same transformation.” (New York City)
Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner.
Selling clones “I took the Guide to a meeting and
1 year “I learned more from the Guide than from a year used your words as a reason why the group should buy an
in the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were
looking at. It worked.” (Sparks, Nevada)
5 years “I’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and
many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I Make your guru giggle “I showed the Guide to my
found your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use
end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted
he’d learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing
17 years “Though in a computer company for 17 years,
I ever heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona)
I didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading
the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its
generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken.
(Hopkinton, Massachusetts) I’m giving them the Guide to increase their computer
Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all background. Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh)
my life? I wish I'd heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy
made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying
computer.” (White Stone, Virginia) and better regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois)
Hack a Mac “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to
hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and Compared with other publishers
look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest,
The Guide’s better than any other book.
funniest book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to
teach my parents BASIC. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d Better than 10 “I learned more from your Guide than
have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.” from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu)
(Northport, Alabama) No big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style
really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who
doesn’t try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn.
Thanks.” (Vancouver, Washington)
Rip-off “If you can break even at your book’s low price,
lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma)
Opening comments 7
About the so-called author
Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio
mercifully short.
This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not
Birth of a notion The author, Russy-poo, was
know.
conceived in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program”’)
computer.
Interview with Russ
Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern
In this interview, Russ answers the most popular questions computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start.
about this book and what’s behind it. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they've been
Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my racing against each other, to see who’s smartest.
The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so
students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up
much in common. Folks say the computer “acts human” and
my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got
say Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a computer”.
longer, so that the 19th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I
develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways.
I had when J was a student. For example, both are Jewish.
What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every The father of the modern computer was John von
Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary,
computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics
he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician.
are covered in depth.
The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a
Who reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it
German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous USS.
because it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and
contains lots of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else. balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled.
Why do you charge so little? I’m not trying to The race for brains To try beating the computer,
make a profit. ’'m just trying to make people happy— by Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in
charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. yummy ’69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless
Instead of “charging as much as the market will bear”, I try to you count the computer he got married to).
“charge so little that the public will cheer”. After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education
Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he’s a
day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being
a junior-high teacher.
middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go
After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane
back to bed. I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get
Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for
no answer, I’m out on a brief errand, so please call again. If
girls who were very exclusive. (“Exclusive” means everyone can
you get an answering machine, I’m out on a longer project:
come except you.)
just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense,
After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught
even if it’s long distance.
the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th
Why do you give phone help free? Are you
graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining
a masochist, a Saint, or a nut? Ig ive the free help Wesleyan University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s
for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months
with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom
further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I he’s now happily married.
don’t have to spend money on advertising.
Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his
At computer shows, do you really appear electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home
as a witch? I wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of
over a monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves teaching in the naughty Department of “Graphic Science”.
caress an African spear. Why? Because it’s fun! After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal
Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by
Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes,
publishing this book.
but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and
Since his wife was lonely, he bought her 40 computers to
staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases.
keep her company, with names such as “Anita Atari”,
What’s your background? I got degrees in math “Aphrodite the Apple”, “Baby Blue Burping Bonnie”, “Coco
and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several the Incredible Clown”, “Jack the Shack”, “Kooky Casio”,
colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a “Slick Vic”, and “Terrible Tina with her Texas Instruments”.
founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of He hid them in a van and drove them around the country,
my expertise comes from spending long hours every day where they performed orgies and did a strip tease, to show
reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer students a thing or two about computer anatomy.
questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy Banned in Boston, Russ and his groupies moved north,
underlying the computer industry. where they hide in a pleasure palace underneath the Porter
Square pine tree. Each room in the palace has a nickname.
Come visit the “Input Room” (kitchen), bathroom (“Output”),
three hi-tech rooms (“Production”, “Research”, and
“Creativity”), and four devilish rooms (“Sunshine”, “The
Cavern”, “Pleasure”, and “Pain’”).
8 Opening comments
