Table Of Content

The world’s top-rated computer tutorial Organizations worldwide call this the best computer book ever written. Used by CBS News, NBC, ABC, NY Times, Wall St. Journal, USA Today, Australian, others in 6 continents Praised by PC Magazine, PC World, Mac User, Infoworld, Byte, Scientific American, and hundreds of others Recommended by leaders of the Boston Computer Society, American Library Association, and World Bank It covers 3 everything! Analyzes computers from IBM, Apple, clone makers, competitors, and discount dealers Tutors you in DOS, Windows, Mac, Word Perfect, Lotus 1-2-3, Excel, Q&A, and more Guides you through the mysteries of all applications, from “Accounting” to “Zany sex” Trains you to program well in BASIC, DBASE, PASCAL, “C”, and 20 other languages Find any fact fast. Use the indexes on pages 3 & 592-605 or this table: Starting page Applications page BASIC page Languages page Endnotes page Hello 1 Word processing 132 Fun 282 DBASE 384 Our past 526 Computer parts 10 Databases _ 168 Using variables 298 PASCAL 400 Your future 534 Shopping tricks 46 Spreadsheets 1909 Helpful hints 324 “C” 410 Fixes 552 Brands to buy 54 Graphics 216 Pretty output 328 LOGO 420 Kinds of BASIC 560 MS-DOS 78 Desktop pub 232 Subs 336 FORTRAN = 430 Numeric analysis 588 Mac Finder 108 Accounting 236 Fancy calcs 344 COBOL 452. Command index 592 Windows 120 Communication 240 Style 358 Strange tongues 474 Master index 598 Other systems 128 Wild applications 246 Weird features 366 Assembler 506 Coupons 606 It’s easy, funny, candid, peppy, thorough, practical, and to-the-point. Phone the author, Russy-poo, at home (617-666-2666) for FREE help. 17" edition, copyright 1993 by Russ Walter. To order, use coupons on pages 606 and 607. 2 Donatedto © Internet Archive by Kay Savetz if Mail the coupon Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our many wild Congratulations! You’ve decided to learn about computers! services. You also get discounts on extra copies of this book. Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to learn about you. This book will turn you into a computer expert even if Love your librarian you're an idiot. In fact, some of the world’s most famous These dumb details will help your librarian fill in the file computer experts have read this book — and are idiots! cards and not get fired. This book tells you more about computers than your mom Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 17th edition recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, So-called author: Russ Walter (also known as “Russy-poo”) thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown. Publisher: the same servant as the author The computer industry has called me a “guru”, showered Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville, MA 02144 me with tulips, and found this book “wise”. But some chapters Copywrong: 1993 by Russ Walter International Standard Book Number: 0-939151-17-0 will tempt you to call me a “wiseguy”, yell “goo-goo”, and Library of Congress: numbers pending; previous edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3 shower me with tomatoes. At least you won’t be bored! This is the only book rated “best” by ALL popular computer magazines. It’s the only book that covers ail Elfish fun computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest This book was constructed by elves and associated critters, computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose aiming to make your life elful instead of awful. author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier & Lisbeth Shaw Elfettes: Kira Barnum & Maura Cabral Phone me Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson & Heather Hill Sorcerer’s apprentices: Linda Gardner & Liz Card I’m the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666. Meadow sprites: Irene Vassos & Richard Grant It’s easy to memorize! After dialing Boston’s area code Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini & Jeff Lowe (617), dial the phone number for the devil’s double: 666-2-666. Artistes bizarre: Cindy Best & Susan Goldenberg Dial it whenever you wonder what-the-devil your Bubbly brights: Anthony Kind & Nancy Kafka Gigantic alien brains: Adam Green & Roy Krantz computer’s doing. Whenever computers make you ill, dial Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman & Celena Sun “Sick, sick, sick! Too sick, sick, sick!’ Follow this poem: Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan & Julianne Wattles Cantabrigian consorts: Ken Russell & Naava Frank Welcome to your new computer. Printer devils: John Pow & Semline I'll be your computer tutor. Art collectors: Dover & Formatt Hands on keyboard, eyes up front, Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo Press those keys. Do not grunt! When you get a bit confused, Snatch this book and come peruse. Introductory junk If you still can’t find the fix, My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to Call 666-2666. read it. Call whenever you have a question about computers — or life! Pll help you, free, even if your question is weird or Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many without whom I’d be unemployed. kilohours and kilobucks. What this book will do for you This book will Call day or night, 24 hours: ’m almost always in and sleep make you even richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I’m not married — except to the computers I’ve fallen in love with. Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see So for free help, phone. (Don’t write.) Begin by saying whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to your name, city, how you got my number (“from the 17th ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers. edition”), and a one-sentence summary of your question. Acknowledgment Id like to thank: Then I’ll ask for details, and we’ll have a friendly chat. my many friends, whose names I’ve gladly forgotten; my students, who naturally aren’t my friends; Come visit my word processor, which has a mind of its own; all others who helped make this book impossible. Whenever you visit the Boston area, drop in and say hi. You can use my library, free, and wave at my 40 computers. Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I’m having an Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time scintillating illegal activities he depicts. when we’re cooled down. I’ll reveal the Secret Path to our pad Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying on Ashland Street, just a five-minute walk from the Porter is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don’t pay us Square stop on Boston’s subway. a cent. Just follow the “free reprint” instructions on page 9. You can buy your computers at Computerland. We bury the bad ones here at Ashland. Forward ... because it’s too late to turn back. Hello 1 BASIC __ WHAT’S IN THIS BOOK — Our world is split into three classes of people: avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete users (who use computers but don’t really understand them) computer tutorial: it covers everything important about programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) computers! The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3 Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed (programmers), by explaining how to do sophisticated across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 5 programming the computer the easy way — using BASIC. parts of computer lore: “Starting”, “Applications”, “BASIC”, Since the Guide’s explanation of “BASIC” expands your other “Languages”, and “Endnotes”. Each part treats you to understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait! Start 8 chapters. reading it the same day you start “Applications” — as if you were taking two courses simultaneously. Starting BASIC programming is fun. You'll even learn how to The Guide begins by saying hello to you by describing our make the computer imitate your own personality! company and other jokes. | You'll learn all the technical tricks: using variables, Then it dissects the various computer parts: the helpful hints, pretty output, subs, and fancy calcs. You'll computer’s brain (CPU), memory (RAM, ROM, disks, and develop a professional programming style and master even tapes), input/output devices (screens, keyboards, printers, the weird features. mice, and other creepy squeakies), software, and liveware. It explains the technical jargon used by salespeople to extract Languages money from you. It turns you into a German nun, who knows Though the simplest way to write a program is to use a the difference between what’s blessed and what’s wurst. computer language called BASIC, other computer languages You learn the newest shopping tricks and how computers are more powerful. are like drugs. The Guide reveals which discount dealers are DBASE is the fanciest language for handling databases. reputable, which are rascals, and where their ads reside. The Guide explains how to use the hot, new, improved The Guide makes specific recommendations about which versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro). brands to buy and where to buy them. It covers all popular Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The brands from IBM, Apple, Commodore, Tandy, Atari, and Guide explains even PASCAL’s newest Turbo versions. imitators worldwide. It delves into each manufacturer’s goodies All the hot new programs for word processing, databases, and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty details that salespeople and spreadsheets were created by using “C’. The Guide try to hide. After getting a computer, you operate it by typing explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors. Many elementary schools require their students to learn commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles explains the popular operating systems: dance across the computer’s screen. The Guide explains 12 MS-DOS (used by IBM) versions of LOGO. Mac Finder (used by the Apple Macintosh) In the “good old days”, when programmers were treated Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh) like gods, the most popular computer languages were other systems (used by weird computers) FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses). Though they’re called “the languages for old fogeys” now, Applications many big computers still thrive on them — and so do many careers! The Guide covers a semester’s course in each. The computer can do so many things! A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and The word processing chapter explains how to make the divides those computer languages into three categories. computer replace your typewriter. It explains how to use the most popular word-processing program (Word Perfect), the mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, fanciest word-processing program (Ami Pro), and competitors PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY for the IBM PC and Mac. radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT Instead of using file cards, put databases on the specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG computer! The Guide explains how to use the best database The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a program (Q&A) and analyzes its competitors. multilingual dictionary that help you translate programs to Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide different computer languages. explains how to use the most popular spreadsheet programs: To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the Lotus 1-2-3, Quattro Pro, and Excel. most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your Then the Guide analyzes: programs to the Macintosh and other computers. graphics desktop pub Endnotes accounting We members of the computer industry all have skeletons communication in our closet. This section digs up Our past and counsels you wild applications that will make you scream! about how to improve your career and your future. But wait, there’s more! You get a 3-part technical appendix on fixes, kinds of BASIC, and numeric analysis. You also get a Command index, a master index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow! 2 Hello How to buy a great How to choose and use How to write amazing How to write programs How to use resources, system and boot up the best software programs using BASIC that go beyond BASIC grow, and get rich Hello Word processing Fun DBASE Our past Welcome 1 Background 132 Enter BASIC 282 Get comfortable 384 Ancient history What's in this book 2 Word Perfect 133 Math 284 Create a data file 386 Micro history BSB Table of contents 3 Function keys 136 Strings 286 See your data 387 Cycles Praised by reviewers 4 Ending 138 Easy programs 287 Revise your data 390 Fan mail 6 Tricky spacing 140 Correcting errors 289 Switch files 392 Your future Who are we? 8 Fancy characters 143 Tricky printing 291 Index files 393 Become an expert Search for words 146 Going & stopping 293 Programs 394 ‘Computer parts Automatic typing 148 Disks versus tapes 296 Control the flow 397 Get a computer job Set your rates Advanced tricks 152 Kinds of computers 10 Develop your career Inside your computer 14 Write Now 155 Using variables PASCAL Computerize home Ami Pro 158 Chips 15 Microsoft Word 163 What's a variable? 298 Fun 400 Teach your kids SESIRRES Disks 24 INPUT 301 Math 403 Avoid dangers Alternatives 166 Screens 30 IF... THEN 305 Simple variables 404 Read good books 549 Printers 32 Databases DATA... READ 310 IF 405 Share knowledge 551 Other hardware 38 FOR... NEXT 315 Loops 406 Software 41 Background 168 Versus constants 319 Logic tricks 407 Fixes Q&A 170 Loop techniques 320 Advanced variables 409 Shopping tricks Write 171 Utilities to buy ER Repairs Subculture 46 Improved writing 174 Helpful hints os, Bape File 180 Hassles 48 Debugging 324 Fun 410 Kinds of BASIC Improved filing 186 Periodicals 49 Beyond Q&A 189 Error messages 326 Math 413 IBM PC & clones Discount dealers 51 Conveniences 327 Numeric variables 414 Apple Mac Character variables 416 Brands to buy Spreadsheets Pretty output Logic 418 Apple 2 family Commodore Background 190 IBM technology 54 1-2-3 & Quattro 192 Zones 328 LOGO Tandy Model 4 Famous clones 58 Major editing 196 TAB 330 Tandy Color HSsB 8Is Apple 65 LOCATE 331 Turtle graphics 420 Other computers Column width 198 Commodore 70 Pixels 332 Math 423 Final steps 199 Tandy 73 Sounds 333 Structures 424 Numeric analysis Advanced views 202 Atari 76 PRINT USING 334 Programs 426 Excel 206 Errors Around the world 77 Workspace 429 Subs Estimates 888 Graphics Solve equations MS-DOS FORTRAN Subroutines 336 Deluxe Paint 216 Buying DOS 78 Subscripts 339 Fun 430 Command index Exotic graphics 222 Starting DOS 79 Math 433 Simple commands 81 Classic art 223 Fancy calcs Pleasant 1/O 437 Operating systems 3-D drawing 231 MS-DOS External commands 8:6 Logic 439 Edit your disks 90 Desktop pub ECoxnptornaesnttss 334445 Lists 441 WMianc dows Print on paper 94 Functions 445 Stripping 346 Applications Batch files 95 What to buy 232 Exotic features 447 Boot 96 Print Shop 233 Random numbers 348 Word Perfect Character codes 352 Ami Pro Tricks 101 Certificate Maker 235 COBOL String analysis 354 Q&A Mac Finder Accounting Trigonometry 356 Fun 452 Lotus 1-2-3 Types of numbers 357 Variables 455. Quattro Pro Start your Mac 108 General accounting 236 Logic 460 Excel Use the mouse 109 Special accounting 239 Style Data files 463 Languages Pull down amenu 110 Advanced structures 468 BASIC Invent a program 358 Explode an icon 112 Communication Extra comments 473 DBASE Make it efficient 360 Run Teachtext 113 PASCAL Telecommunication 240 Don’t be silly 362 Advanced features 115 Strange tongues C Local-area networks 243 Avoid round-off 363 Ways to share 245 Test your program 364 Charts 474 LOGO Windows FORTRAN Document it 365 Mainstream 476 Starting 120 Wild applications Radicals 489 COBOL SSSSESSSS SS sSSSReRee Others Accessories 123 Audio 246 Weird features Specialists 497 Main window 127 Analyze yourself 248 Fancy INPUT 366 Master index Fall in love 253 Joystick vs. mouse 369 Assembler Other systems Vendor phone book 598 Replace people 256 SWAP 370 Number systems 506 Apple 2 128 Games 260 ON 373 Character codes 508 Topics A-Z 599 Commodore 128 Be poetic 267 Memory cells 375 SEXY assembler 509 Coupons Tandy 129 Analyze writing 272 Sequential files 376 DEBUG 515 Atari 129 Translate Russian 273 Random access 378 Inside the CPU 519 Coupon for friends 606 Multi-user systems 130 Artificial intelligence 274 Create a database 379 8088 details 523 Coupon for you 607 Hello 3 Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines. Popular Computing: “Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer If you like this book, you’re not alone. cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ Praised by computer magazines computer pundit, they'd need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.” “Boston’s computer guru” and praise him for giving free Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll consulting even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they enjoy it. Russ Walter’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers. ... authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, PC World: “Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, more college students would reach their commencement day.” the user’s champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.” incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous purchase of their computers.” compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s foolproof tutorials. It’s a wonderful bargain.” long been a cult hit.” Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts computers and haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach as brilliant.” other people about computers, or just want to read a good Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.” book about computers, get the Guide.” Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.” Computer Currents: “Your computer literacy Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.” quotient will always come up short unless you know something Microcomputing: “Pian ahead; get in on the Secret now.” about Russ Walter. He’s a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning Praised by mass-market magazines about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing. next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible. themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter’s candor of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.” cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It jockey; it’s flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. includes Russ Walter’s unbiased view of the successes and His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First- failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix. working your way through it, you’ll know more than many who No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll use it is well equipped without the Guide.” learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No The Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution other computer book is a better value.” Quarterly”: “The personal-computer subculture was noted for Abacus: “Alternative-culture Walter provides the best its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the current treatment of programming languages. It’s irreverent, few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960’s. It’s simple introductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.” Infoworld: “Russ Walter is recognized and respected in Omni: “Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a home phone number and answers calls by the light of his wealth of information.” computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.” Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer technology guide.” Changing Times: “Russ Walter is a computer whiz Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.” help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers Computer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire everything you ever wanted to know.” spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.” Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and Home Office Computing: “Russ Walter is a opinion untainted by bias.” computer missionary who’s a success story.” Barron’s: “Russ Walter is an expert who answers Classroom Computer Learning: “Russ Walter’s questions for free and has been inundated by calls.” courses are intensive and inexpensive.” Compute: “Russ Walter is an industry leader.” 4 Hello Praised by computer clubs Praised around the world Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world. their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines. Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It’s computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.” He’s years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals of great ideas.” that attempt to follow his lead.” England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ Western Mass Computer Club: “Russ Walter is Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best present anyone Guide is an extraordinary source of information.” could receive who cares to know more about computers without going crazy.” Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune”: “The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ Walter’s plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid. books have been used by insiders for years. He’s special as a This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge and addicting.” of many computers and their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the book seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how Guide is his candid comments about various computers and simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.” software. He’s one of the few people able to review languages, Detroit News: “Russ Walter is a legendary teacher. machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective, It’s the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the history, and culture. If you’re ever struck with a computer dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their problem, give Russ a call.” business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide. New York’s “NYPC”: “The Guide is the perfect text Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.” for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects book. It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.” for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, many advanced concepts that one person could hardly Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier’: “Walter’s remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the Russ Walter. He’s a fountain of computer knowledge and can thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no- even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.” Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ Walter is the Ann “The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, written. It includes just about everything you’d want to know massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.” about computers. You’ll find answers for all the questions you New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, in Walter’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of book doesn’t answer.” themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It’s recommended for Wall Street Journal: “Russ Walter is a computer anyone even slightly interested in computers.” expert, a guru who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are Praised by librarians grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.” Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan written. to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the School Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine Guide. It’s crammed with info. It became an instant success as of information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Walter one of the few microcomputer books that was not only delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a /ot of excellent info. understandable and inexpensive but also witty— a It’s accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy combination still too rare today.” it; you'll like it.” Boston Globe: “Russ Walter is a unique resource, Wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide is distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.” It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh Boston Phoenix: “Russ Walter has achieved explication per page than anything else available.” international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.” Hello 5 Amaze the professor “I Jove the Guide! I’ve read it before taking a BASIC course, and ['m amazing my professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois) From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples. work with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro, Intoxicated California) Our books make readers go nuts. Muscle in “So many computer experts speak a language Get high “I’m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for your Guide.” (Beverly, Massachusetts) helping the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana) Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer fellow workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that Guide. It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania) POO-pOO “I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit Granny’s clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this your Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, learn more & more. Wow!” (Seattle) Georgia) Moment of discovery “After retiring, I searched for Computer dreams “Wow — I loved your book. My something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books Hills, California) bought from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find Thanks.” (Tewksbury, Massachusetts) something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Bury the Book of Songs “This is the microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule Love in Paris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a for future archaeologists. By reading it, I've made my call. I'll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to the computer industry.” (Paris) read the book.” (Park Forest, Illinois) Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) Experts Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, Experts love the Guide. soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago) PC Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book the Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to lets me put it all together.” (San Diego) my little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston) National TV “Great! When are you going on national Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the TV? America needs you!” (Berkeley, California) Guide. It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at National debt “I think you do a fabulous job with Lotus who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following. computers! You should be in Washington & organize our Again, thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts) country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) Math professor “I’m a math professor. The Guide’s the best way in the universe to keep up to date with Beginners computers. People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New York City) Even beginners can master the Guide. Diehard mainframer “tt is really neat! I’ve been a Godsend “Yov’re a godsend. You saved me from being mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) your book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and Heights, Ohio) humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston) Refreshed programmers “I passed the Guide Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more them bought. It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California) IBM-ese, to find a book in English!” (Union, New Jersey) Computer disease “I was scared to go near a Research center “Our research center uses and computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can’t misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our wait.” (Paterson, New Jersey) use/misuse ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois) Face-off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas) 6 Hello Careers Pass-alongs The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends. Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my Ive never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks wants copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) to a presentation based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is happy I bought your book.” (San Francisco) amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey) department of over 250 users!” (New York City) Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous Found Wall Street “Eight years ago, I took your intro and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South programming course. Now I run the computer department of Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her a Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people take it home with her. What could I do? You've gone and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s international. I’m ordering another copy. Should I hide the always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to book this time?” (Cinnaminson, New Jersey) wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) Cries and anger “I made the mistake of letting Consultant’s dream “Inspired by your book, your several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I computer field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas delayed several months, and now I’ve got an angry mob come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.” outside my door. While you process my order, I’ll try pacifying (Skokie, Illinois) them by reading aloud.” (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help while wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as him understand my computer. It’s become the most widely impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s read book in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida) in Computer Science and English, and I’m contemplating squabble with Dad “1 love the Guide. Dad & I teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.” Guide in peace.” (New York City) (Pennington, New Jersey) Change my brother “The Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to Better late than never effect the same transformation.” (New York City) Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner. Selling clones “I took the Guide to a meeting and 1 year “I learned more from the Guide than from a year used your words as a reason why the group should buy an in the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were ° years “I’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and looking at. It worked.” (Sparks, Nevada) many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I Make your guru giggle “I showed the Guide to my found your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted 17 years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, he’d learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing I didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading I ever heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona) the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. (Hopkinton, Massachusetts) I’m giving them the Guide to increase their computer Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all background. Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh) my life? I wish I’d heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying computer.” (White Stone, Virginia) and better regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois) Hack a Mac “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and Compared with other publishers look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, The Guide’s better than any other book. funniest book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to teach my parents BASIC. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d Better than 10 “I learned more from your Guide than have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.” from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu) (Northport, Alabama) No big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.” (Vancouver, Washington) Rip-off “If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma) Hello 7 my expertise comes from spending long hours every day reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not underlying the computer industry. know. Who _ reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it Interview with Russy-poo contains lots of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else. In this interview, Russy-poo answers the most popular Besides ublishin the Guide and questions about this book and what’s behind it. answering phones, what else do you do? I Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my travel to many cities, where I give intensive computer courses students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up that are almost free. I’ve also been writing another book, my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got called The Secret Guide to Tricky Living, which covers longer, so that the 17th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I everything except computers! develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish I had when J was a student. About the so-called author What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics mercifully short. are covered in depth. Birth of a nNotiON The author, Russy-poo Walter, was Why do you charge so little? I’m not trying to conceived in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program”) make a profit. I’m just trying to make people happy— by computer. charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern Instead of “charging as much as the market will bear’, I try to computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. “charge so little that the public will cheer”. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they’ve been What does the Guide recommend? For the racing against each other, to see who’s smartest. “typical” consumer, it recommends an IBM-compatible The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so computer, such as the ones from Expo Tech. It recommends much in common. Impartial observers say the computer “acts human” and say Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a printers by Panasonic and Hewlett Packard. For word computer”. processing, it recommends Word Perfect or Ami Pro. For managing databases, it recommends Q&A. It recommends Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. buying software from a good discount dealer, such as Comp- For example, both are Jewish. USA, Telemart, or PC Connection. But it also says when to The father of the modern computer was John von switch to different computers (such as Macs), software, and Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, suppliers. Since better products and prices come out every he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician. week, phone me for the latest hot tips before you buy The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a anything. German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled. day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the The race for brains To try beating the computer, middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go back to bed. I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in no answer, I’m out on a brief errand, so please call again. If yummy ’69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless you get an answering machine, I’m out on a longer project: you count the computer he got married to). just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense, After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education even if it’s long distance. from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he’s a genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being Why do you give phone help free? Are you a junior-high teacher. a masochist, a saint, or a nut? I give the free help After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide girls who were very exclusive. (“Exclusive” means everyone can further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I come except you.) don’t have to spend money on advertising. After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught At computer shows, do you really appear the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining as a witch? I wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono Wesleyan University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s over a monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months caress an African spear. Why? Because it’s fun! of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, he’s now happily married. but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases. electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home What’s your background? I got degrees in math of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several teaching in the naughty Department of “Graphic Science”. colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by 8 Hello

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Secret Guide To Computers 17th edition PDF

612 Pages·1993·75.2 MB·English
by  Russ Walter
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The world’s top-rated computer tutorial Organizations worldwide call this the best computer book ever written. Used by CBS News, NBC, ABC, NY Times, Wall St. Journal, USA Today, Australian, others in 6 continents Praised by PC Magazine, PC World, Mac User, Infoworld, Byte, Scientific American, and hundreds of others Recommended by leaders of the Boston Computer Society, American Library Association, and World Bank It covers 3 everything! Analyzes computers from IBM, Apple, clone makers, competitors, and discount dealers Tutors you in DOS, Windows, Mac, Word Perfect, Lotus 1-2-3, Excel, Q&A, and more Guides you through the mysteries of all applications, from “Accounting” to “Zany sex” Trains you to program well in BASIC, DBASE, PASCAL, “C”, and 20 other languages Find any fact fast. Use the indexes on pages 3 & 592-605 or this table: Starting page Applications page BASIC page Languages page Endnotes page Hello 1 Word processing 132 Fun 282 DBASE 384 Our past 526 Computer parts 10 Databases _ 168 Using variables 298 PASCAL 400 Your future 534 Shopping tricks 46 Spreadsheets 1909 Helpful hints 324 “C” 410 Fixes 552 Brands to buy 54 Graphics 216 Pretty output 328 LOGO 420 Kinds of BASIC 560 MS-DOS 78 Desktop pub 232 Subs 336 FORTRAN = 430 Numeric analysis 588 Mac Finder 108 Accounting 236 Fancy calcs 344 COBOL 452. Command index 592 Windows 120 Communication 240 Style 358 Strange tongues 474 Master index 598 Other systems 128 Wild applications 246 Weird features 366 Assembler 506 Coupons 606 It’s easy, funny, candid, peppy, thorough, practical, and to-the-point. Phone the author, Russy-poo, at home (617-666-2666) for FREE help. 17" edition, copyright 1993 by Russ Walter. To order, use coupons on pages 606 and 607. 2 Donatedto © Internet Archive by Kay Savetz if Mail the coupon Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It puts you on our mailing list, which gets you FREE info on our many wild Congratulations! You’ve decided to learn about computers! services. You also get discounts on extra copies of this book. Now you can get even with the millions of computers trying to learn about you. This book will turn you into a computer expert even if Love your librarian you're an idiot. In fact, some of the world’s most famous These dumb details will help your librarian fill in the file computer experts have read this book — and are idiots! cards and not get fired. This book tells you more about computers than your mom Title: The Secret Guide to Computers, 17th edition recommends. It guides you through the highs and heartaches, So-called author: Russ Walter (also known as “Russy-poo”) thrills and chills, as you giggle and gag, frolic and frown. Publisher: the same servant as the author The computer industry has called me a “guru”, showered Address: bedroom at 22 Ashland St., Somerville, MA 02144 me with tulips, and found this book “wise”. But some chapters Copywrong: 1993 by Russ Walter International Standard Book Number: 0-939151-17-0 will tempt you to call me a “wiseguy”, yell “goo-goo”, and Library of Congress: numbers pending; previous edition 89-51851, QA 76 .W3 shower me with tomatoes. At least you won’t be bored! This is the only book rated “best” by ALL popular computer magazines. It’s the only book that covers ail Elfish fun computer topics, the only book making even the bumpiest This book was constructed by elves and associated critters, computer topics smooth, and the only major book whose aiming to make your life elful instead of awful. author is foolish enough to give you his home phone number. Grand elves: Yvonne Bohemier & Lisbeth Shaw Elfettes: Kira Barnum & Maura Cabral Phone me Friendly ghosts: Cathy Carlson & Heather Hill Sorcerer’s apprentices: Linda Gardner & Liz Card I’m the author. My home phone number is 617-666-2666. Meadow sprites: Irene Vassos & Richard Grant It’s easy to memorize! After dialing Boston’s area code Wandering minstrels: Larry Mancini & Jeff Lowe (617), dial the phone number for the devil’s double: 666-2-666. Artistes bizarre: Cindy Best & Susan Goldenberg Dial it whenever you wonder what-the-devil your Bubbly brights: Anthony Kind & Nancy Kafka Gigantic alien brains: Adam Green & Roy Krantz computer’s doing. Whenever computers make you ill, dial Friends of the Shah: Michael Krigsman & Celena Sun “Sick, sick, sick! Too sick, sick, sick!’ Follow this poem: Queens from bygone days: Priscilla Grogan & Julianne Wattles Cantabrigian consorts: Ken Russell & Naava Frank Welcome to your new computer. Printer devils: John Pow & Semline I'll be your computer tutor. Art collectors: Dover & Formatt Hands on keyboard, eyes up front, Gnome (and is an island unto himself): Russy-poo Press those keys. Do not grunt! When you get a bit confused, Snatch this book and come peruse. Introductory junk If you still can’t find the fix, My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to Call 666-2666. read it. Call whenever you have a question about computers — or life! Pll help you, free, even if your question is weird or Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, personal. This free consulting service has saved readers many without whom I’d be unemployed. kilohours and kilobucks. What this book will do for you This book will Call day or night, 24 hours: ’m almost always in and sleep make you even richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. lightly. Because of the midnight phone calls, I’m not married — except to the computers I’ve fallen in love with. Prerequisite This book was written for idiots. To see So for free help, phone. (Don’t write.) Begin by saying whether you can get through the math, take this test: count to your name, city, how you got my number (“from the 17th ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your fingers. edition”), and a one-sentence summary of your question. Acknowledgment Id like to thank: Then I’ll ask for details, and we’ll have a friendly chat. my many friends, whose names I’ve gladly forgotten; my students, who naturally aren’t my friends; Come visit my word processor, which has a mind of its own; all others who helped make this book impossible. Whenever you visit the Boston area, drop in and say hi. You can use my library, free, and wave at my 40 computers. Apology Any original ideas in this book are errors. Drop in anytime: day or night! But in case I’m having an Disclaimer The author denies any knowledge of the orgy with my computers, please phone first to pick a time scintillating illegal activities he depicts. when we’re cooled down. I’ll reveal the Secret Path to our pad Copyright Our copyright policy is simple: hey, copying on Ashland Street, just a five-minute walk from the Porter is all right! Make as many copies as you like, and don’t pay us Square stop on Boston’s subway. a cent. Just follow the “free reprint” instructions on page 9. You can buy your computers at Computerland. We bury the bad ones here at Ashland. Forward ... because it’s too late to turn back. Hello 1 BASIC __ WHAT’S IN THIS BOOK — Our world is split into three classes of people: avoiders (who fear and loathe computers and avoid them) The Secret Guide to Computers is the world’s only complete users (who use computers but don’t really understand them) computer tutorial: it covers everything important about programmers (who understand computers and can teach them new tricks) computers! The Guide elevates your mind to the heights of class 3 Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed (programmers), by explaining how to do sophisticated across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 5 programming the computer the easy way — using BASIC. parts of computer lore: “Starting”, “Applications”, “BASIC”, Since the Guide’s explanation of “BASIC” expands your other “Languages”, and “Endnotes”. Each part treats you to understanding of computers so dramatically, don’t wait! Start 8 chapters. reading it the same day you start “Applications” — as if you were taking two courses simultaneously. Starting BASIC programming is fun. You'll even learn how to The Guide begins by saying hello to you by describing our make the computer imitate your own personality! company and other jokes. | You'll learn all the technical tricks: using variables, Then it dissects the various computer parts: the helpful hints, pretty output, subs, and fancy calcs. You'll computer’s brain (CPU), memory (RAM, ROM, disks, and develop a professional programming style and master even tapes), input/output devices (screens, keyboards, printers, the weird features. mice, and other creepy squeakies), software, and liveware. It explains the technical jargon used by salespeople to extract Languages money from you. It turns you into a German nun, who knows Though the simplest way to write a program is to use a the difference between what’s blessed and what’s wurst. computer language called BASIC, other computer languages You learn the newest shopping tricks and how computers are more powerful. are like drugs. The Guide reveals which discount dealers are DBASE is the fanciest language for handling databases. reputable, which are rascals, and where their ads reside. The Guide explains how to use the hot, new, improved The Guide makes specific recommendations about which versions of DBASE (such as DBASE 4 and Fox Pro). brands to buy and where to buy them. It covers all popular Many colleges require freshmen to learn PASCAL. The brands from IBM, Apple, Commodore, Tandy, Atari, and Guide explains even PASCAL’s newest Turbo versions. imitators worldwide. It delves into each manufacturer’s goodies All the hot new programs for word processing, databases, and not-so-goodies. It reveals the nasty details that salespeople and spreadsheets were created by using “C’. The Guide try to hide. After getting a computer, you operate it by typing explains Turbo C, Quick C, Microsoft C, and competitors. Many elementary schools require their students to learn commands on its keyboard or wiggling its mouse. The Guide how to program in LOGO, a language that makes turtles explains the popular operating systems: dance across the computer’s screen. The Guide explains 12 MS-DOS (used by IBM) versions of LOGO. Mac Finder (used by the Apple Macintosh) In the “good old days”, when programmers were treated Windows (which makes IBM imitate a Macintosh) like gods, the most popular computer languages were other systems (used by weird computers) FORTRAN (for scientists) and COBOL (for businesses). Though they’re called “the languages for old fogeys” now, Applications many big computers still thrive on them — and so do many careers! The Guide covers a semester’s course in each. The computer can do so many things! A gigantic chapter analyzes 23 strange tongues and The word processing chapter explains how to make the divides those computer languages into three categories. computer replace your typewriter. It explains how to use the most popular word-processing program (Word Perfect), the mainstream languages: FORTRAN, ALGOL, COBOL, BASIC, PL/I, fanciest word-processing program (Ami Pro), and competitors PASCAL, MODULA, C, ADA, DBASE, EASY for the IBM PC and Mac. radical languages: LISP, SNOBOL, APL, LOGO, FORTH, PILOT Instead of using file cards, put databases on the specialized languages: APT, DYNAMO, GPSS, RPG, SPSS, PROLOG computer! The Guide explains how to use the best database The chapter tutors you in all of them. It even includes a program (Q&A) and analyzes its competitors. multilingual dictionary that help you translate programs to Tables of numbers are called spreadsheets. The Guide different computer languages. explains how to use the most popular spreadsheet programs: To top it all off, you learn how to program by using the Lotus 1-2-3, Quattro Pro, and Excel. most common assembler for the IBM PC and translate your Then the Guide analyzes: programs to the Macintosh and other computers. graphics desktop pub Endnotes accounting We members of the computer industry all have skeletons communication in our closet. This section digs up Our past and counsels you wild applications that will make you scream! about how to improve your career and your future. But wait, there’s more! You get a 3-part technical appendix on fixes, kinds of BASIC, and numeric analysis. You also get a Command index, a master index to the entire Guide, and coupons for getting more goodies! Wow! 2 Hello How to buy a great How to choose and use How to write amazing How to write programs How to use resources, system and boot up the best software programs using BASIC that go beyond BASIC grow, and get rich Hello Word processing Fun DBASE Our past Welcome 1 Background 132 Enter BASIC 282 Get comfortable 384 Ancient history What's in this book 2 Word Perfect 133 Math 284 Create a data file 386 Micro history BSB Table of contents 3 Function keys 136 Strings 286 See your data 387 Cycles Praised by reviewers 4 Ending 138 Easy programs 287 Revise your data 390 Fan mail 6 Tricky spacing 140 Correcting errors 289 Switch files 392 Your future Who are we? 8 Fancy characters 143 Tricky printing 291 Index files 393 Become an expert Search for words 146 Going & stopping 293 Programs 394 ‘Computer parts Automatic typing 148 Disks versus tapes 296 Control the flow 397 Get a computer job Set your rates Advanced tricks 152 Kinds of computers 10 Develop your career Inside your computer 14 Write Now 155 Using variables PASCAL Computerize home Ami Pro 158 Chips 15 Microsoft Word 163 What's a variable? 298 Fun 400 Teach your kids SESIRRES Disks 24 INPUT 301 Math 403 Avoid dangers Alternatives 166 Screens 30 IF... THEN 305 Simple variables 404 Read good books 549 Printers 32 Databases DATA... READ 310 IF 405 Share knowledge 551 Other hardware 38 FOR... NEXT 315 Loops 406 Software 41 Background 168 Versus constants 319 Logic tricks 407 Fixes Q&A 170 Loop techniques 320 Advanced variables 409 Shopping tricks Write 171 Utilities to buy ER Repairs Subculture 46 Improved writing 174 Helpful hints os, Bape File 180 Hassles 48 Debugging 324 Fun 410 Kinds of BASIC Improved filing 186 Periodicals 49 Beyond Q&A 189 Error messages 326 Math 413 IBM PC & clones Discount dealers 51 Conveniences 327 Numeric variables 414 Apple Mac Character variables 416 Brands to buy Spreadsheets Pretty output Logic 418 Apple 2 family Commodore Background 190 IBM technology 54 1-2-3 & Quattro 192 Zones 328 LOGO Tandy Model 4 Famous clones 58 Major editing 196 TAB 330 Tandy Color HSsB 8Is Apple 65 LOCATE 331 Turtle graphics 420 Other computers Column width 198 Commodore 70 Pixels 332 Math 423 Final steps 199 Tandy 73 Sounds 333 Structures 424 Numeric analysis Advanced views 202 Atari 76 PRINT USING 334 Programs 426 Excel 206 Errors Around the world 77 Workspace 429 Subs Estimates 888 Graphics Solve equations MS-DOS FORTRAN Subroutines 336 Deluxe Paint 216 Buying DOS 78 Subscripts 339 Fun 430 Command index Exotic graphics 222 Starting DOS 79 Math 433 Simple commands 81 Classic art 223 Fancy calcs Pleasant 1/O 437 Operating systems 3-D drawing 231 MS-DOS External commands 8:6 Logic 439 Edit your disks 90 Desktop pub ECoxnptornaesnttss 334445 Lists 441 WMianc dows Print on paper 94 Functions 445 Stripping 346 Applications Batch files 95 What to buy 232 Exotic features 447 Boot 96 Print Shop 233 Random numbers 348 Word Perfect Character codes 352 Ami Pro Tricks 101 Certificate Maker 235 COBOL String analysis 354 Q&A Mac Finder Accounting Trigonometry 356 Fun 452 Lotus 1-2-3 Types of numbers 357 Variables 455. Quattro Pro Start your Mac 108 General accounting 236 Logic 460 Excel Use the mouse 109 Special accounting 239 Style Data files 463 Languages Pull down amenu 110 Advanced structures 468 BASIC Invent a program 358 Explode an icon 112 Communication Extra comments 473 DBASE Make it efficient 360 Run Teachtext 113 PASCAL Telecommunication 240 Don’t be silly 362 Advanced features 115 Strange tongues C Local-area networks 243 Avoid round-off 363 Ways to share 245 Test your program 364 Charts 474 LOGO Windows FORTRAN Document it 365 Mainstream 476 Starting 120 Wild applications Radicals 489 COBOL SSSSESSSS SS sSSSReRee Others Accessories 123 Audio 246 Weird features Specialists 497 Main window 127 Analyze yourself 248 Fancy INPUT 366 Master index Fall in love 253 Joystick vs. mouse 369 Assembler Other systems Vendor phone book 598 Replace people 256 SWAP 370 Number systems 506 Apple 2 128 Games 260 ON 373 Character codes 508 Topics A-Z 599 Commodore 128 Be poetic 267 Memory cells 375 SEXY assembler 509 Coupons Tandy 129 Analyze writing 272 Sequential files 376 DEBUG 515 Atari 129 Translate Russian 273 Random access 378 Inside the CPU 519 Coupon for friends 606 Multi-user systems 130 Artificial intelligence 274 Create a database 379 8088 details 523 Coupon for you 607 Hello 3 Praised by the classics Earlier editions of the Guide were praised by all the classic computer magazines. Popular Computing: “Russ Walter is king of the East Coast computer If you like this book, you’re not alone. cognoscenti. His Guide is the biggest bargain in computer tutorials in our hemisphere. If CBS ever decides to replace Andy Rooney with a ‘60 Minutes’ Praised by computer magazines computer pundit, they'd need to look no further than Russ Walter. His wry Walterian observations enliven nearly every page of his book. His Guide is All the famous computer magazines call Russ Walter the first collection of computer writings that one might dare call literature.” “Boston’s computer guru” and praise him for giving free Personal Computing: “The Guide is bulging with information. You'll consulting even in the middle of the night. Here’s how they enjoy it. Russ Walter’s approach to text-writing sets a new style that other evaluate The Secret Guide to Computers. ... authors might do well to follow. It’s readable, instructive, and downright entertaining. If more college texts were written in the Russ Walter style, PC World: “Russ Walter is a PC pioneer, a trailblazer, more college students would reach their commencement day.” the user’s champion. Nobody does a more thorough, practical, Creative Computing: “The Guide is fascinating, easy to understand, and entertaining job of teaching PC technology. His an excellent book at a ridiculously low price. We especially endorse it.” incomparable Guide receives nothing but praise for its scope, Cider Press: “The Guide should be given to all beginners with the wit, and enormous practicality. It offers a generous purchase of their computers.” compendium of industry gossip, buying advice, and detailed, Softalk: “The Guide fires well-deserved salvos at many sacred cows. It’s foolproof tutorials. It’s a wonderful bargain.” long been a cult hit.” Byte: “The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand Computer Bargain Info: “The Guide is widely acclaimed by experts computers and haven’t had much luck at it, or have to teach as brilliant.” other people about computers, or just want to read a good Eighty Micro: “Theatrical, madcap Russ is a cult hero.” book about computers, get the Guide.” Interface Age: “The Guide is a best buy.” Computer Currents: “Your computer literacy Enter: “It’s the best book about computer languages.” quotient will always come up short unless you know something Microcomputing: “Pian ahead; get in on the Secret now.” about Russ Walter. He’s a folk hero. He knows virtually everything about personal computers and makes learning Praised by mass-market magazines about computers fun. If you’ve given up in disgust and dismay at reading other computer books, get the Guide. It should be Mass-market magazines call the Guide amazing. next to every PC in the country. PC vendors would do Scientific American: “The Guide is irresistible. themselves and their customers a big favor by packing a copy Every instruction leads to a useful result. Walter’s candor of the Guide with every computer that goes out the door. The shines; he makes clear the faults and foibles others ignore or Guide deserves the very highest recommendation.” cast in vague hints. The effect is that of a private conversation PC Magazine: “The Guide explains the computer with a well-informed talkative friend who knows the inside industry, hardware, languages, operating systems, and story. The text reads like the patter of a talented midnight disc applications in a knowledgeable and amusing fashion. It jockey; it’s flip, self-deprecatory, randy, and good-humored. includes Russ Walter’s unbiased view of the successes and His useful frank content and coherent style are unique. First- failures of various companies, replete with inside gossip. By rate advice on what and how to buy are part of the rich mix. working your way through it, you’ll know more than many who No room holding a small computer and an adult learning to make their living with PCs. Whether novice or expert, you'll use it is well equipped without the Guide.” learn from the Guide and have a good time doing so. No The Whole Earth Catalog in its “Coevolution other computer book is a better value.” Quarterly”: “The personal-computer subculture was noted for Abacus: “Alternative-culture Walter provides the best its fierce honesty in its early years. The Guide is one of the current treatment of programming languages. It’s irreverent, few intro books to carry on that tradition, and the only reminiscent of the underground books of the 1960’s. It’s simple introductory survey of equipment that’s kept up to date. Russ to read, fast-paced, surprisingly complete, full of locker-room Walter jokes, bitches, enthuses, condemns, and charms. The computer gossip, and loaded with examples.” book tells the bald truth in comprehensible language.” Infoworld: “Russ Walter is recognized and respected in Omni: “Guru Russ Walter sympathizes deeply with many parts of the country as a knowledgeable and effective people facing a system crash at midnight, so he broadcasts his instructor. His Guide is readable, outrageous, and includes a home phone number and answers calls by the light of his wealth of information.” computers, cursors winking. He’s considered an excellent teacher. His Guide is utterly comprehensive.” Mac User: “It’s an everything-under-one-roof computer technology guide.” Changing Times: “Russ Walter is a computer whiz Computerworld: “The Guide by unconventional whose mission is to educate people about computers. Like a doctor, he lets strangers call him in the middle of the night for computer guru Russ Walter is informative and entertaining.” help with diagnosing a sick computer. His Guide covers Computer Shopper: “The Guide covers the entire everything you ever wanted to know.” spectrum. It’s incredibly informative and amusing.” Esquire: “The handy Guide contains lots of fact and Home Office Computing: “Russ Walter is a opinion untainted by bias.” computer missionary who’s a success story.” Barron’s: “Russ Walter is an expert who answers Classroom Computer Learning: “Russ Walter’s questions for free and has been inundated by calls.” courses are intensive and inexpensive.” Compute: “Russ Walter is an industry leader.” 4 Hello Praised by computer clubs Praised around the world Computer clubs call the Guide the best computer book, in The Guide is praised by newspapers around the world. their newsletters, newspapers, and magazines. Australia’s “Sydney Morning Herald”: “The Boston Computer Society: “The Guide is cleverly Guide is the best computer intro published anywhere in the graduated, outrageous, and funny. Russ Walter turns world. It gives a total overview of personal computers. It’s computerese into plain speaking, while making you giggle. stimulating, educational, provocative, and a damn good read.” He’s years ahead of the pack that claims to have ways of The Australian: “The Guide’s coverage of instructing computer novices. His unique mix of zany humor programming is intelligent, urbane, extremely funny, and full and step-by-step instruction avoids the mistakes of manuals of great ideas.” that attempt to follow his lead.” England’s “Manchester Guardian”: “Russ Western Mass Computer Club: “Russ Walter is Walter is a welcome relief. The internationally renowned considered one of the few true computer gurus. His Guide is computer guru tries to keep computerdom’s honesty alive. His the world’s best tutorial. It’s the single best present anyone Guide is an extraordinary source of information.” could receive who cares to know more about computers without going crazy.” Silicon Valley’s “Times Tribune”: “The Guide invites you to throw aside all rules of conventional texts and Connecticut Computer Society: “Russ Walter’s plunge into the computer world entirely naked and unafraid. books have been used by insiders for years. He’s special as a This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, teacher because of three factors: his comprehensive knowledge and addicting.” of many computers and their languages, operating system, and applications; his ability to break complicated processes into the Dallas Times Herald: “Easily the best beginners’ smallest components; and his humor. A valuable feature of the book seen, it’s not just for beginners. Its strength is how Guide is his candid comments about various computers and simple it makes everything, without sacrificing what matters.” software. He’s one of the few people able to review languages, Detroit News: “Russ Walter is a legendary teacher. machines, and software, all in a humorous, clear manner, with His fiercely honest Guide packs an incredible amount of info. the whole endeavor set off by his sense of industry perspective, It’s the only book that includes everything. He gives you all the history, and culture. If you’re ever struck with a computer dirt about the companies and their hardware, evaluates their problem, give Russ a call.” business practices, and exposes problems they try to hide. New York’s “NYPC”: “The Guide is the perfect text Phone him. You'll always get a truthful answer.” for anyone beginning to learn about computers because it Chicago Tribune: “The Guide is the best computer contains real info in readable form about a range of subjects book. It’s a cornucopia of computer delights written by Russ otherwise requiring a whole reference library. It’s even better Walter, a great altruist and dreamer.” for the experienced computer user, since it also contains many, many advanced concepts that one person could hardly Kentucky’s “Louisville Courier’: “Walter’s remember. But one person apparently remembered them all: Guide will teach you more computer fundamentals than the Russ Walter. He’s a fountain of computer knowledge and can thick books in the average bookstore. The Guide gives his no- even explain it in words of one syllable. His Guide reads like bull insights. He not only discusses computer mail-order a novel: you can read simply for fun. It’s recommended to sources, which most books avoid; he names the bad guys. The anyone from rank beginner to seasoned power user.” Guide’s biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality.” Sacramento (California) PC Users Group: Philadelphia Inquirer: “Russ Walter is the Ann “The Guide is the best collection of computer help ever Landers for computer klutzes, a high-tech hero. His wacky, written. It includes just about everything you’d want to know massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit.” about computers. You’ll find answers for all the questions you New York Times: “The computer-obsessed will revel thought of and some you didn’t think of. No holds barred, in Walter’s Guide. He covers just about every subject in the Walter even tells you who in the industry made the mistakes microcomputer universe. It’s unlikely you have a question his and rotten computers, and who seemed to succeed in spite of book doesn’t answer.” themselves. The Guide is fascinating. It’s recommended for Wall Street Journal: “Russ Walter is a computer anyone even slightly interested in computers.” expert, a guru who doesn’t mind phone calls. He brings religious-like fervor to the digital world. His students are Praised by librarians grateful. His Guide gets good reviews. He’s influential.” Librarians call the Guide the best computer book ever Connecticut’s “Hartford Courant”: “If you plan written. to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is the School Library Journal: “The Guide is a gold mine Guide. It’s crammed with info. It became an instant success as of information. It’s crystal clear, while at the same time Walter one of the few microcomputer books that was not only delivers a laugh a paragraph along with a /ot of excellent info. understandable and inexpensive but also witty— a It’s accessible even to kids, who will love its loony humor. Buy combination still too rare today.” it; you'll like it.” Boston Globe: “Russ Walter is a unique resource, Wilson Library Bulletin: “The Guide is important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide is distinguished by its blend of clarity, organization, and humor. practical, down-to-earth, and easy to read.” It cuts through the techno-haze. It packs more simple, fresh Boston Phoenix: “Russ Walter has achieved explication per page than anything else available.” international cult status. He knows his stuff, and his comprehensive Guide is a great deal.” Hello 5 Amaze the professor “I Jove the Guide! I’ve read it before taking a BASIC course, and ['m amazing my professor with my secret skills!” (Olney, Illinois) From our readers, we’ve received thousands of letters and Walking encyclopedia “Your Guide really helps. I phone calls, praising us. Here are some recent examples. work with a great programmer who’s like a walking computer encyclopedia. Now I know what he’s saying!” (San Leandro, Intoxicated California) Our books make readers go nuts. Muscle in “So many computer experts speak a language Get high “I’m high! Not on marijuana, crack, or all their own. They look down on us and consider us to be cocaine, but on what I did at my computer with BASIC and outsiders trying to muscle our way into their world. Thanks for your Guide.” (Beverly, Massachusetts) helping the outsiders.” (New Iberia, Lousiana) Strange laughs “I enjoy the Guide immensely! My Facing fear “Thank you! I’m 42, married to a computer fellow workers think I’m strange because of all my laughing guru, with two daughters who’ve been in front of a computer while reading it. Whenever I feel tired or bored, I pick up the since first grade. Finally, I feel that I can face my fear and that Guide. It’s very refreshing!” (Acton, Massachusetts) I’m not alone.” (Malvern, Pennsylvania) POO-pOO “I finished the book at 2:30 AM and had to sit Granny’s clammy “I’m a 58-year-old grandma. My down and send you a big THANK-YOU-poo. A poet I am daughter gave me an IBM PC. After weeks of frustration I got not, crazy I was not, until I started 18 months ago with this your Guide. Now I’m happy as a clam at high tide, eager to computer and then came poo who sealed my lot.” (Hinesville, learn more & more. Wow!” (Seattle) Georgia) Moment of discovery “After retiring, I searched for Computer dreams “Wow — I loved your book. My something to stimulate my mind. I bought a computer and husband says I talk about computers in my sleep.” (Los Altos tried to unravel its mysteries. The more I studied big books Hills, California) bought from computer stores, the more confused I became. Then I stumbled across the Guide. At that precise moment I Bedtime story “The book’s next to the bed, where my discovered the beautiful, crazy, wild world of the computer! wife and I can see who grabs it first. The loser must find Thanks.” (Tewksbury, Massachusetts) something else to do, which often causes serious degradation of reading comprehension.” (Danville, New Hampshire) Bury the Book of Songs “This is the microcomputer book that should be buried in a time capsule Love in Paris “If you ever come to Paris, give me a for future archaeologists. By reading it, I've made my call. I'll be more than happy to meet the guy I admire most in computer sing. My wife recognizes the melodies and wants to the computer industry.” (Paris) read the book.” (Park Forest, Illinois) Sex “Great book. Better than sex.” (Worcester, Massachusetts) Experts Devil “This book is great. It moves like the fastest Mac, Experts love the Guide. soars with the eagles, and dances with the devil.” (Chicago) PC Week reporter “I write for PC Week and think God “I’m a Russy groupie now! You are God! Your book the Guide is the best book of its kind. I’m sending a copy to lets me put it all together.” (San Diego) my little brother, who’s a budding byte-head.” (Boston) National TV “Great! When are you going on national Editor at Lotus “Thanks so much for sending the TV? America needs you!” (Berkeley, California) Guide. It’s great! Seems I’m the only one here in my office at National debt “I think you do a fabulous job with Lotus who hadn’t heard about it. You’ve got quite a following. computers! You should be in Washington & organize our Again, thanks!” (Cambridge, Massachusetts) country, and maybe we could be debt-free.” (Tavares, Florida) Math professor “I’m a math professor. The Guide’s the best way in the universe to keep up to date with Beginners computers. People don’t have to read anything else — it’s all there.” (New York City) Even beginners can master the Guide. Diehard mainframer “tt is really neat! I’ve been a Godsend “Yov’re a godsend. You saved me from being mainframe computer consultant for many years, and when bamboozled by the local computer store.” (Boston) your book came yesterday I couldn’t put it down.” (Cleveland Saint “You should be canonized for bringing clarity and Heights, Ohio) humor to a field often incomprehensible and dull.” (Houston) Refreshed programmers “I passed the Guide Companion to the lonely “Your book’s a nice around my team of mainframe programmers, and most of companion when I’m alone, because it talks. It answers more them bought. It’s so refreshing, after the parched dryness of questions than I can ask.” (Carson, California) IBM-ese, to find a book in English!” (Union, New Jersey) Computer disease “I was scared to go near a Research center “Our research center uses and computer. I thought I might catch something. Now I can’t misuses gigabytes of computers. The Guide will improve our wait.” (Paterson, New Jersey) use/misuse ratio.” (Naperville, Illinois) Face-off “I used to be an idiot. Now I can stare my computer in the face. Thanks.” (San Antonio, Texas) 6 Hello Careers Pass-alongs The Guide’s propelled many careers. Readers pass the Guide to their friends. Land a first job “Last month, I bought your Guide. Round the office “Send 150 books. I passed my Ive never seen so much info, packed so densely, in so Guide around the office, and just about everyone who saw it entertaining a read. I was just offered a computer job, thanks wants copies.” (Middleburg Heights, Ohio) to a presentation based on your Guide. I’m very, very, very Coordinating the coordinators “Your book is happy I bought your book.” (San Francisco) amazing! I’m telling the other 50 PC coordinators in my Land a top job “Thanks to the Guide, I got an company to be sure they’re in on the secret. Bless you for your excellent job guiding the selection of computers in a magnanimous philosophy!” (Morristown, New Jersey) department of over 250 users!” (New York City) Hide your secrets “I thought the Guide marvelous Found Wall Street “Eight years ago, I took your intro and proudly displayed it on my desk. A friend from South programming course. Now I run the computer department of Africa saw it and said our friendship depended on letting her a Wall Street brokerage firm. I’m responsible for 30 people take it home with her. What could I do? You've gone and millions of dollars of computer equipment. The Guide’s international. I’m ordering another copy. Should I hide the always been my foremost reference. Thank you for the key to book this time?” (Cinnaminson, New Jersey) wonderful new worlds.” (Long Beach, New York) Cries and anger “I made the mistake of letting Consultant’s dream “Inspired by your book, your several friends borrow my copy of the Guide. Each time I love for computers, and your burning desire to show the world tried getting it back, it was a battle. (I hate to see grown that computers are fun and easily accessible, I entered the people cry.) I promised to order them copies of their own. I computer field. Now I’m a computer consultant. Your ideas delayed several months, and now I’ve got an angry mob come from the heart. Thanks for following your dream.” outside my door. While you process my order, I’ll try pacifying (Skokie, Illinois) them by reading aloud.” (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) Kid who grew up “Years ago, I saw you sell books Round the house “Dad bought your Guide to help while wearing a wizard’s cap. I bought a book and was as him understand my computer. It’s become the most widely impressed as a 16-year-old could be. Now I’ve earned B.A.’s read book in our house. We love it!” (Boca Raton, Florida) in Computer Science and English, and I’m contemplating squabble with Dad “1 love the Guide. Dad & I teaching computers to high school students. I can think of no squabble over our only copy. Send a second so I can finish the better way to plan a course outline than around your Guide.” Guide in peace.” (New York City) (Pennington, New Jersey) Change my brother “The Guide changed my computer scorn & fear to interest. Send my brother a copy, to Better late than never effect the same transformation.” (New York City) Readers wish they'd found the Guide sooner. Selling clones “I took the Guide to a meeting and 1 year “I learned more from the Guide than from a year used your words as a reason why the group should buy an in the computer industry.” (Redwood City, California) IBM PC clone instead of the other computer they were ° years “I’ve fumbled for 5 years with computers and looking at. It worked.” (Sparks, Nevada) many books, all with short-lived flashes of enthusiasm, until I Make your guru giggle “I showed the Guide to my found your Guide. It’s the first book that showed a light at the guru. Between laughs, chuckles, and guffaws, he agreed to use end of the tunnel, even for one as dull-brained as I.” (Boise) it to teach his high-school computer class. He even admitted 17 years “Though in a computer company for 17 years, he’d learned something, and that’s the most unheard of thing I didn’t learn anything about computers until I began reading I ever heard of.” (Arivaca, Arizona) the Guide. I love it! I always thought computer people were Smarter sales reps “Our company just released its generically boring, but your book’s changed my mind.” first software product, and our sales reps are panic-stricken. (Hopkinton, Massachusetts) I’m giving them the Guide to increase their computer Prince Charming arrives “Where have you been all background. Thanks for a super book.” (Pittsburgh) my life? I wish I’d heard of your Guide long ago. I’d have Advancing secretary “I’m ordering an extra copy made far fewer mistakes if it had been here alongside my for my secretary, to start her on the path to a higher paying computer.” (White Stone, Virginia) and better regarded position.” (Belleville, Illinois) Hack a Mac “Great book. I’m 14 and always wanted to hack. Thanks to your Guide, I laughed myself to death and Compared with other publishers look forward to gutting my Mac. Yours is the friendliest, The Guide’s better than any other book. funniest book on computers I’ve seen. I’m finally going to teach my parents BASIC. If I’d started out with the Guide, I’d Better than 10 “I learned more from your Guide than have saved five years of fooling around in the dark.” from a total of 10 books read previously.” (Honolulu) (Northport, Alabama) No big bucks “Your book is great! Its crazy style really keeps the pages turning. I appreciate someone who doesn’t try to make big bucks off someone trying to learn. Thanks.” (Vancouver, Washington) Rip-off “If you can break even at your book’s low price, lots of guys are ripping us off.” (Choctaw, Oklahoma) Hello 7 my expertise comes from spending long hours every day reading computer books and magazines, discussing computer questions on the phone, and analyzing the philosophy This section reveals who we are — even if you’d rather not underlying the computer industry. know. Who _ reads the Guide? All sorts. Kids read it because it’s easy; computer professionals read it because it Interview with Russy-poo contains lots of secret tidbits you can’t find anywhere else. In this interview, Russy-poo answers the most popular Besides ublishin the Guide and questions about this book and what’s behind it. answering phones, what else do you do? I Why did you write the Secret Guide? I saw my travel to many cities, where I give intensive computer courses students spending too much effort taking notes, so I made up that are almost free. I’ve also been writing another book, my own notes to hand them. Over the years, my notes got called The Secret Guide to Tricky Living, which covers longer, so that the 17th edition totals 607 pages. Each time I everything except computers! develop a new edition, I try to make it the kind of book I wish I had when J was a student. About the so-called author What does the Guide cover? Everything. Every Since the author is so lifeless, we can keep his bio computer topic is touched on, and the most important topics mercifully short. are covered in depth. Birth of a nNotiON The author, Russy-poo Walter, was Why do you charge so little? I’m not trying to conceived in 1946. So was the modern (“stored-program”) make a profit. I’m just trying to make people happy— by computer. charging as little as possible, while still covering my expenses. Nine months later, Russy-poo was hatched. The modern Instead of “charging as much as the market will bear’, I try to computer took a few years longer, so Russ got a head start. “charge so little that the public will cheer”. But the computer quickly caught up. Ever since, they’ve been What does the Guide recommend? For the racing against each other, to see who’s smartest. “typical” consumer, it recommends an IBM-compatible The race is close, because Russ and the computer have so computer, such as the ones from Expo Tech. It recommends much in common. Impartial observers say the computer “acts human” and say Russ’s personality is “as a dead as a printers by Panasonic and Hewlett Packard. For word computer”. processing, it recommends Word Perfect or Ami Pro. For managing databases, it recommends Q&A. It recommends Junior Jews Russ resembles a computer in many ways. buying software from a good discount dealer, such as Comp- For example, both are Jewish. USA, Telemart, or PC Connection. But it also says when to The father of the modern computer was John von switch to different computers (such as Macs), software, and Neumann, a Jew of German descent. After living in Hungary, suppliers. Since better products and prices come out every he fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. mathematician. week, phone me for the latest hot tips before you buy The father of Russy-poo Walter was Henry Walter, a anything. German Jew who fled the Nazis and became a famous U.S. Do you really answer the phone 24 hours a dental salesman. To dentists, he sold teeth, dental chairs, and balloons to amuse the kids while their mouths were mauled. day? When do you sleep? When folks call in the The race for brains To try beating the computer, middle of the night, I wake up, answer their questions, then go back to bed. I’m near the phone 85% of the time. If you get Russ got his bachelor’s degree in math from Dartmouth in no answer, I’m out on a brief errand, so please call again. If yummy ’69 and sadly remained a bachelor ever since (unless you get an answering machine, I’m out on a longer project: you count the computer he got married to). just leave your number and I'll call you back at my expense, After Dartmouth, he got an M.A.T. in math education even if it’s long distance. from Harvard. Since he went to Harvard, you know he’s a genius. Like most genii, he achieved the high honor of being Why do you give phone help free? Are you a junior-high teacher. a masochist, a saint, or a nut? I give the free help After his classes showered him with the Paper Airplane for three reasons: I like to be a nice guy; it keeps me in touch Award, he moved on to teach at an exclusive private school for with my readers, who suggest how to improve the Guide girls who were very exclusive. (“Exclusive” means everyone can further; and the happy callers tell their friends about me, so I come except you.) don’t have to spend money on advertising. After teaching every grade from 2 through 12 (he taught At computer shows, do you really appear the 2nd-grade girls how to run the computer, and the 12th graders less intellectual things), he fled reality by joining as a witch? I wear a witch’s black hat and red kimono Wesleyan University’s math Ph.D. program in Connecticut’s over a monk’s habit and roller skates, while my white gloves Middletown (the middle of Nowhere), where after 18 months caress an African spear. Why? Because it’s fun! of highbrow hoopla he was seduced by a computer to whom Did you write the whole Guide yourself? Yes, he’s now happily married. but I received many suggestions from my readers, friends, and Married life After the wedding, Russ moved with his staff, who also contributed some examples and phrases. electrifying wife to Northeastern University in Boston (home What’s your background? I got degrees in math of the bean and the cod), where he did a hilarious job of and education from Dartmouth and Harvard, taught at several teaching in the naughty Department of “Graphic Science”. colleges (Wellesley, Wesleyan, and Northeastern), and was a After quitting Northeastern and also editorship of Personal founding editor of Personal Computing magazine. But most of Computing, he spends his time now happily losing money by 8 Hello

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