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Real-Time Relationships The Logic of Love Stefan Molyneux, MA Host, Freedomain Radio www.freedomainradio.com 1 By the same author: On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion Universally Preferable Behaviour: A Rational Proof of Secular Ethics The God of Atheists (A Novel) Available at http://www.freedomainradio.com/books.html For my beloved wife Christina, who teaches me all that is true, and shows me everything that is possible… I would like to thank the listeners of Freedomain Radio, whose passion, generosity and participation has made this book – and all the books to come – possible. Thank you for the gift of this time. Thanks also to my most excellent reviewers and proofreaders: the “Philosopher Kings” at Freedomain Radio. I wish to especially thank Charlotte Bowen, who kindly edited the book down from its original 17,000 pages, mostly by committing “comma-cide” on all the excess punctuation. Finally, I really appreciate the time and effort that Karl Bennion, Jessen and Charlotte (again) put into transcribing the RTR podcasts. Any errors that remain are, of course, solely my responsibility. Freedomain Radio is one of the most popular philosophy podcasts on the Internet, and was a Top 10 Finalist in the 2007 Podcast Awards. Please visit Freedomain Radio at www.freedomainradio.com for more free podcasts, videos – as well as a thriving message board. Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love, Copyright 2008 by Stefan Molyneux. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For more information, please visit www.freedomainradio.com. The Freedomain Library, Volume 4 Version 1.0 Extended Edition, January 2008 2 CONTENTS CONTENTS ............................................................................................................. 3 REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS: THE LOGIC OF LOVE ..................................................10 CULTURE ...............................................................................................................12 PHILOSOPHY AND INTIMACY ................................................................................12 RELIGIOUS “REALITY” ...........................................................................................14 POSITIONING ............................................................................................................ 16 THE ARC OF A RELATIONSHIP................................................................................16 CAUTION ................................................................................................................. 17 SEX ......................................................................................................................... 18 THE LOVE BOMB ....................................................................................................... 18 THE PLATEAU ........................................................................................................... 19 THE HICCUP ............................................................................................................. 19 THE DESCENT ........................................................................................................... 19 LYING ...................................................................................................................... 21 ENTOMBMENT .......................................................................................................... 21 THE AFTERMATH ....................................................................................................... 23 WIN/LOSE .............................................................................................................25 TRUST ...................................................................................................................27 CLOSURE AND SELF–TRUST ......................................................................................... 27 HEDGING ................................................................................................................. 29 BAGGAGE .............................................................................................................29 LOVE .....................................................................................................................31 LOVE AND OBJECTIVITY ............................................................................................... 31 LOVE – COMPARED TO WHAT? .................................................................................... 32 INTERNAL STATE, OR EXTERNAL FACT? .......................................................................... 33 LOVE AND PLEASURE .................................................................................................. 33 LOVE: A TENTATIVE DEFINITION ................................................................................... 34 LOVE AS A RESPONSE ................................................................................................. 36 3 LOVE AND VIRTUE ................................................................................................ 37 LOVE AND HONESTY ................................................................................................... 37 LOVE AND COURAGE .................................................................................................. 38 LOVE AND SUSTAINABILITY .......................................................................................... 41 LOVE AND SECURITY ................................................................................................... 42 SECURITY AND VALUES ............................................................................................... 43 OBJECTIVE INTEGRITY ........................................................................................... 44 WHY DID YOU CHOOSE ME IF YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE ME?.................................... 45 “FIXING” THE PAINTING… ........................................................................................... 46 BUT – WE CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE AT ALL? ...................................................................... 47 ACCEPTANCE AND REJECTION ....................................................................................... 51 REVERSING VIRTUE AND VICE ............................................................................... 52 VIRTUE AND HONESTY ................................................................................................ 52 VIRTUE AND OBEDIENCE ............................................................................................. 53 THE INEVITABLE COUNTERATTACK… .............................................................................. 55 COUNTERFEITING VIRTUE ..................................................................................... 56 POLARIZATION ..................................................................................................... 57 PROJECTION ............................................................................................................. 58 ZOOMING OUT… .................................................................................................. 59 CHANGING OTHERS .............................................................................................. 60 WHY WE SUCCUMB… ........................................................................................... 61 ENABLING AND THE VENGEANCE OF THE SLAVE ............................................................... 61 IT’S NOT ENTIRELY IN THE PAST… .................................................................................. 62 “YOU LACK EMPATHY“ ............................................................................................... 65 THE HORROR OF CHORES… .......................................................................................... 66 NAGGING AND HUMILIATION ....................................................................................... 68 THE ABUSE OF ASSUMPTIONS ...................................................................................... 69 YOU ARE IN FACT LAZY AND SELFISH..? ........................................................................... 69 THE WAR OF NARRATIVE ...................................................................................... 72 LOVE AND MYTHOLOGY .............................................................................................. 72 FEEL THE BURN! .................................................................................................... 73 ELIMINATING RESPONSIBILITY ...................................................................................... 74 NO IDEA? ................................................................................................................ 75 COMMON STORIES ............................................................................................... 76 4 YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME… .......................................................................................... 76 ASSUMING YOU CAN…................................................................................................ 77 LACKING KNOWLEDGE? .............................................................................................. 78 WHAT ON EARTH? .................................................................................................... 79 THE BOXER ...........................................................................................................80 THE RELIEF OF SELF-CONTROL ..................................................................................... 80 FLEEING THE FUTURE FOR THE PAST… ............................................................................ 82 THE SADIST ...........................................................................................................84 CHILD ABUSE ............................................................................................................ 85 THE CHILD UNAFRAID… .............................................................................................. 88 THE ESCALATION… .................................................................................................... 90 THE EVIL AT THE CORE… ............................................................................................ 91 CONTROLLING THE BED .............................................................................................. 92 WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT? ..............................................................................92 SELF–MYTHOLOGY .................................................................................................... 93 THE CROSSROADS ...................................................................................................... 93 RELIGION AND MYTHOLOGY ........................................................................................ 94 THE PARABLE OF THE APPLE, OR HOW TO CONTROL A HUMAN SOUL… ...............96 HONESTY IS THE FIRST VIRTUE ............................................................................ 118 “NOT EVEN WRONG” .............................................................................................. 118 RELATEDNESS ..................................................................................................... 119 INTIMACY AND VALUE .............................................................................................. 120 RECIPROCITY........................................................................................................... 121 INTIMACY ........................................................................................................... 121 I WANT! .............................................................................................................. 123 LOVE IS A VERB… ................................................................................................ 125 SOCIAL LIES: LOVE, POWER AND MANIPULATION .............................................. 126 RELIGION AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................ 126 THE PITFALLS OF MYTHOLOGY ................................................................................... 126 MYTHOLOGY AND THE APPEARANCE OF CONTROL ......................................................... 127 STATISM AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................. 128 THE STATE AND SOCIETY ........................................................................................... 129 THE FALSE ANSWERS OF STATISM ............................................................................... 129 LOVE AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................ 130 5 TRIAL BY FIRE .......................................................................................................... 130 FALSE KNOWLEDGE AND CRIME.................................................................................. 131 NEW YORK, 2001 ................................................................................................ 132 EMPATHIZING WITH VENGEANCE ................................................................................ 133 HELLISH RECIPROCITY ............................................................................................... 135 BACKUP LIES ........................................................................................................... 136 LOVE AND EGO IDENTIFICATION ........................................................................ 137 THE “STOCKHOLM SYNDROME” ................................................................................. 138 SYMPATHY AND INTEGRITY ........................................................................................ 138 DEMOCRACY? ..................................................................................................... 140 MORALITY AND VICTIMHOOD .................................................................................... 141 THE KNOWLEDGE WE AVOID ..................................................................................... 143 IMPLOSION......................................................................................................... 144 THE HUMILIATION OF KNOWLEDGE ................................................................... 144 ANXIETY AVOIDANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS ........................................................ 145 THE PRINCIPLES OF INTIMACY ............................................................................ 146 REALITIES ............................................................................................................... 147 VIRTUE AS “OBJECTIVE OPINION” ...................................................................... 148 GOD IS GOOD? ....................................................................................................... 150 ETHICS IN THE SERVICE OF EVIL .......................................................................... 152 ETHICAL ATTACKS ............................................................................................... 153 WARNING SIGNS ..................................................................................................... 154 ETHICAL MYTHOLOGIES ............................................................................................ 154 CULTURAL PROGRAMMING AND PREDICTABILITY ........................................................... 156 SLAVE-ON-SLAVE VIOLENCE....................................................................................... 157 CULTURE AND OBJECTIVITY ................................................................................ 158 CULTURE AND SCIENCE ............................................................................................. 158 CULTURE AND OBJECTIVITY ........................................................................................ 159 WHAT SLAVES REALLY FEAR ...................................................................................... 160 WHY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT CULTURE… ......................................................... 161 THE COSTS OF THE TRUTH .................................................................................. 163 6 SO – WHY SPEAK? ............................................................................................... 164 THE GOAL ........................................................................................................... 165 THOUGHTS PRECEDE EMOTIONS ........................................................................ 168 EMOTIONS AND CONTROL.................................................................................. 169 EXPECTATIONS: AN EXAMPLE .................................................................................... 170 THOUGHTS AND FRUSTRATION .......................................................................... 172 CHOOSE YOUR THOUGHTS, CHOOSE YOUR FEELINGS… ...................................... 173 THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF CONTROL… ..................................................................... 174 MY BEST FRIEND AND MY NEW GIRLFRIEND ...................................................... 174 CONTROL VERSUS CURIOSITY ............................................................................. 175 USING OTHERS ................................................................................................... 176 CATASTROPHES ....................................................................................................... 176 THE TRUTH I AM AVOIDING… .................................................................................... 177 INTRODUCING MYSELF TO MYSELF… ........................................................................... 180 ANXIETY AND CONTROL ..................................................................................... 181 THE SUBTLE TYRANNY OF INCONSISTENCY .................................................................... 182 THE VENGEANCE OF THE SLAVE .................................................................................. 182 THE DANGERS OF VENGEANCE ................................................................................... 183 THE SLAVERY OF CHILDHOOD ............................................................................. 184 HOLDING OUR OWN CHAINS… .................................................................................. 185 POWER AND LIBERTY .......................................................................................... 187 REMAINING VULNERABLE .......................................................................................... 188 POWER AND FAMILY .......................................................................................... 190 CHOICE AND QUALITY .............................................................................................. 191 FAMILY AND HISTORY ............................................................................................... 192 THE EMPIRICISM OF EMOTIONS ......................................................................... 195 THE PROPAGANDA OF REGRET ................................................................................... 195 THE FACTS OF YOUR FEELINGS ................................................................................... 196 PROPAGANDA AND MOTIVATION ...................................................................... 198 7 POWER VERSUS PLEASURE ........................................................................................ 198 FOLLOW THE BENEFIT… ...................................................................................... 200 CULTURE, PROPAGANDA AND EXPLOITATION .................................................... 201 THE ALTERNATIVE TO GRUDGING COMPLIANCE… .............................................. 204 THE REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIP (RTR) ......................................................................... 205 THE CORE OF FEAR .................................................................................................. 206 SLAVERY AND FREEDOM............................................................................................ 207 THE HYPOCRISY OF “CONSIDERATION”… ............................................................ 208 THE KEY TO THE CELL ............................................................................................... 209 TESTABLE HYPOCRISY? ............................................................................................. 210 THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF ADULT RECIPROCITY ................................................................... 211 FOLLOWING THE MATERNAL BENEFIT .......................................................................... 213 RTR AND EMPIRICISM ........................................................................................ 214 DIAGNOSIS ............................................................................................................. 214 PARANOIA? ............................................................................................................ 215 EXPLORING THE FACTS .............................................................................................. 217 BARRIERS TO THE TRUTH .................................................................................... 218 WORKING WITH THE FACTS…..................................................................................... 220 CRIMINAL SLAVES .................................................................................................... 220 SPEAK THE TRUTH .............................................................................................. 221 INTEGRITY IN HONESTY ............................................................................................. 222 CONCLUSIONS AND FACTS ................................................................................. 224 AVOIDING “STORY TIME” .......................................................................................... 224 POST HOC ERGO PROPTER HOC .......................................................................... 227 AVOIDING MYTHOLOGY ..................................................................................... 227 “INFLICTING” EMOTIONS .................................................................................... 228 QUALITY OF SERVICE .......................................................................................... 229 CONSULTATION ....................................................................................................... 230 IDENTIFICATION AND SELF-EXPRESSION ............................................................. 232 DEPTH RIGHT AT THE SURFACE ................................................................................... 232 FEELING YOUR FEELINGS .................................................................................... 233 8 YOUR FIRST FEELING… ........................................................................................ 234 SLOWING DOWN... .................................................................................................. 235 THE TRUTH WE REPRESS… ........................................................................................ 237 EMOTIONS AND EXPLOITATION.......................................................................... 238 EVEN DEEPER…....................................................................................................... 238 EVEN DEEPER! ...................................................................................................... 240 THE TRUTH WITHIN… .............................................................................................. 241 DODGING DEFENCES ........................................................................................... 243 FLYING FROM FLIGHT…............................................................................................. 244 EVIL AND LYING....................................................................................................... 245 HONESTY AND PROOF .............................................................................................. 246 TYPICAL DEFENCES.............................................................................................. 247 MINIMIZATION ....................................................................................................... 247 SELF-PITY .............................................................................................................. 248 DENIAL .................................................................................................................. 249 COUNTER ATTACK ................................................................................................... 249 GENIAL BLANKNESS ................................................................................................. 250 FRAMING ............................................................................................................... 251 AGGRESSIVE APPEALS TO “COMPASSION” .................................................................... 252 AGGRESSIVE APPEAL TO “SELF-RESPECT” ..................................................................... 253 THE CONVERSATION ........................................................................................... 254 THE PRINCIPLES AT WORK ......................................................................................... 258 WHAT NEXT? ......................................................................................................... 260 THE ENDGAME........................................................................................................ 261 DEAD SOULS........................................................................................................... 262 ON THE OTHER HAND… ........................................................................................... 263 YOUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD AWAITS – BUT NOT FOREVER… ................................. 264 CONCLUSION ...................................................................................................... 264 REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS: THE TRANSCRIPTS .................................................. 267 RTR IN ACTION: THE TRANSCRIPTS ..................................................................... 268 TRANSCRIPT #1: GENERAL DISCUSSION ....................................................................... 268 TRANSCRIPT #2: JESSEN............................................................................................ 296 TRANSCRIPT #3: RICKY ............................................................................................. 321 INDEX ................................................................................................................. 371 9 REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS: THE LOGIC OF LOVE S ome of the greatest movies of the past ten years explored what it is like to live in an illusion. “The Sixth Sense,” “Fight Club” – and, greatest of all, “The Matrix.” Let’s start with a spoiler or two, shall we? In “The Matrix,” a young man is awakened from a computer-generated imaginary world to find that he is enslaved by robots who are paralyzing him with the illusion of life in order to harvest his electrical energy. This is a wonderful metaphor on many levels, and tells us an enormous amount about our “relationship” with truth and reality. In the movie, the robots that were originally invented to serve mankind end up ruling mankind and spinning an illusory “reality” which keeps their former masters entombed in the mere appearance of a life. My take on this metaphor is that it is really describing propaganda. For instance, the government is an institution that was originally designed to serve citizens – “government by and for the people.” However, as we have seen countless times, what we create to serve us ends up ruling us. Governments that were supposedly created to keep our property safe from thieves now steal upwards of 50% of our income under the guise of “taxation.” Governments were supposedly created to give us participation in the “democratic process” – yet if we do not agree with whatever those in the government decree, we are threatened with violence and imprisonment. Through the endless infliction of pro-state propaganda in government schools, we grow up believing in mad illusions such as “countries,” “virtuous violence,” “participative democracy,” “voluntary taxation,” “moral murder” in the form of “armies” and so on. 10

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