Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love

378 Pages·1.713 MB·English

by  Molyneux Stefan.

Real-Time
Relationships
The Logic of Love
Stefan Molyneux, MA
Host, Freedomain Radio
www.freedomainradio.com
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By the same author:
On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion
Universally Preferable Behaviour: A Rational Proof of Secular Ethics
The God of Atheists (A Novel)
Available at http://www.freedomainradio.com/books.html
For my beloved wife Christina, who teaches me all that is true, and
shows me everything that is possible…
I would like to thank the listeners of Freedomain Radio, whose passion,
generosity and participation has made this book – and all the books to
come – possible. Thank you for the gift of this time.
Thanks also to my most excellent reviewers and proofreaders: the
“Philosopher Kings” at Freedomain Radio. I wish to especially thank
Charlotte Bowen, who kindly edited the book down from its original
17,000 pages, mostly by committing “comma-cide” on all the excess
punctuation. Finally, I really appreciate the time and effort that Karl
Bennion, Jessen and Charlotte (again) put into transcribing the RTR
podcasts.
Any errors that remain are, of course, solely my responsibility.
Freedomain Radio is one of the most popular philosophy podcasts on the
Internet, and was a Top 10 Finalist in the 2007 Podcast Awards.
Please visit Freedomain Radio at www.freedomainradio.com for more
free podcasts, videos – as well as a thriving message board.
Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love, Copyright 2008 by Stefan Molyneux. All
rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of
brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For more information, please
visit www.freedomainradio.com.
The Freedomain Library, Volume 4 Version 1.0 Extended Edition, January 2008
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CONTENTS
CONTENTS ............................................................................................................. 3
REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS: THE LOGIC OF LOVE ..................................................10
CULTURE ...............................................................................................................12
PHILOSOPHY AND INTIMACY ................................................................................12
RELIGIOUS “REALITY” ...........................................................................................14
POSITIONING ............................................................................................................ 16
THE ARC OF A RELATIONSHIP................................................................................16
CAUTION ................................................................................................................. 17
SEX ......................................................................................................................... 18
THE LOVE BOMB ....................................................................................................... 18
THE PLATEAU ........................................................................................................... 19
THE HICCUP ............................................................................................................. 19
THE DESCENT ........................................................................................................... 19
LYING ...................................................................................................................... 21
ENTOMBMENT .......................................................................................................... 21
THE AFTERMATH ....................................................................................................... 23
WIN/LOSE .............................................................................................................25
TRUST ...................................................................................................................27
CLOSURE AND SELF–TRUST ......................................................................................... 27
HEDGING ................................................................................................................. 29
BAGGAGE .............................................................................................................29
LOVE .....................................................................................................................31
LOVE AND OBJECTIVITY ............................................................................................... 31
LOVE – COMPARED TO WHAT? .................................................................................... 32
INTERNAL STATE, OR EXTERNAL FACT? .......................................................................... 33
LOVE AND PLEASURE .................................................................................................. 33
LOVE: A TENTATIVE DEFINITION ................................................................................... 34
LOVE AS A RESPONSE ................................................................................................. 36
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LOVE AND VIRTUE ................................................................................................ 37
LOVE AND HONESTY ................................................................................................... 37
LOVE AND COURAGE .................................................................................................. 38
LOVE AND SUSTAINABILITY .......................................................................................... 41
LOVE AND SECURITY ................................................................................................... 42
SECURITY AND VALUES ............................................................................................... 43
OBJECTIVE INTEGRITY ........................................................................................... 44
WHY DID YOU CHOOSE ME IF YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE ME?.................................... 45
“FIXING” THE PAINTING… ........................................................................................... 46
BUT – WE CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE AT ALL? ...................................................................... 47
ACCEPTANCE AND REJECTION ....................................................................................... 51
REVERSING VIRTUE AND VICE ............................................................................... 52
VIRTUE AND HONESTY ................................................................................................ 52
VIRTUE AND OBEDIENCE ............................................................................................. 53
THE INEVITABLE COUNTERATTACK… .............................................................................. 55
COUNTERFEITING VIRTUE ..................................................................................... 56
POLARIZATION ..................................................................................................... 57
PROJECTION ............................................................................................................. 58
ZOOMING OUT… .................................................................................................. 59
CHANGING OTHERS .............................................................................................. 60
WHY WE SUCCUMB… ........................................................................................... 61
ENABLING AND THE VENGEANCE OF THE SLAVE ............................................................... 61
IT’S NOT ENTIRELY IN THE PAST… .................................................................................. 62
“YOU LACK EMPATHY“ ............................................................................................... 65
THE HORROR OF CHORES… .......................................................................................... 66
NAGGING AND HUMILIATION ....................................................................................... 68
THE ABUSE OF ASSUMPTIONS ...................................................................................... 69
YOU ARE IN FACT LAZY AND SELFISH..? ........................................................................... 69
THE WAR OF NARRATIVE ...................................................................................... 72
LOVE AND MYTHOLOGY .............................................................................................. 72
FEEL THE BURN! .................................................................................................... 73
ELIMINATING RESPONSIBILITY ...................................................................................... 74
NO IDEA? ................................................................................................................ 75
COMMON STORIES ............................................................................................... 76
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YOU NEVER SUPPORT ME… .......................................................................................... 76
ASSUMING YOU CAN…................................................................................................ 77
LACKING KNOWLEDGE? .............................................................................................. 78
WHAT ON EARTH? .................................................................................................... 79
THE BOXER ...........................................................................................................80
THE RELIEF OF SELF-CONTROL ..................................................................................... 80
FLEEING THE FUTURE FOR THE PAST… ............................................................................ 82
THE SADIST ...........................................................................................................84
CHILD ABUSE ............................................................................................................ 85
THE CHILD UNAFRAID… .............................................................................................. 88
THE ESCALATION… .................................................................................................... 90
THE EVIL AT THE CORE… ............................................................................................ 91
CONTROLLING THE BED .............................................................................................. 92
WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT? ..............................................................................92
SELF–MYTHOLOGY .................................................................................................... 93
THE CROSSROADS ...................................................................................................... 93
RELIGION AND MYTHOLOGY ........................................................................................ 94
THE PARABLE OF THE APPLE, OR HOW TO CONTROL A HUMAN SOUL… ...............96
HONESTY IS THE FIRST VIRTUE ............................................................................ 118
“NOT EVEN WRONG” .............................................................................................. 118
RELATEDNESS ..................................................................................................... 119
INTIMACY AND VALUE .............................................................................................. 120
RECIPROCITY........................................................................................................... 121
INTIMACY ........................................................................................................... 121
I WANT! .............................................................................................................. 123
LOVE IS A VERB… ................................................................................................ 125
SOCIAL LIES: LOVE, POWER AND MANIPULATION .............................................. 126
RELIGION AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................ 126
THE PITFALLS OF MYTHOLOGY ................................................................................... 126
MYTHOLOGY AND THE APPEARANCE OF CONTROL ......................................................... 127
STATISM AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................. 128
THE STATE AND SOCIETY ........................................................................................... 129
THE FALSE ANSWERS OF STATISM ............................................................................... 129
LOVE AND ANXIETY ............................................................................................ 130
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TRIAL BY FIRE .......................................................................................................... 130
FALSE KNOWLEDGE AND CRIME.................................................................................. 131
NEW YORK, 2001 ................................................................................................ 132
EMPATHIZING WITH VENGEANCE ................................................................................ 133
HELLISH RECIPROCITY ............................................................................................... 135
BACKUP LIES ........................................................................................................... 136
LOVE AND EGO IDENTIFICATION ........................................................................ 137
THE “STOCKHOLM SYNDROME” ................................................................................. 138
SYMPATHY AND INTEGRITY ........................................................................................ 138
DEMOCRACY? ..................................................................................................... 140
MORALITY AND VICTIMHOOD .................................................................................... 141
THE KNOWLEDGE WE AVOID ..................................................................................... 143
IMPLOSION......................................................................................................... 144
THE HUMILIATION OF KNOWLEDGE ................................................................... 144
ANXIETY AVOIDANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS ........................................................ 145
THE PRINCIPLES OF INTIMACY ............................................................................ 146
REALITIES ............................................................................................................... 147
VIRTUE AS “OBJECTIVE OPINION” ...................................................................... 148
GOD IS GOOD? ....................................................................................................... 150
ETHICS IN THE SERVICE OF EVIL .......................................................................... 152
ETHICAL ATTACKS ............................................................................................... 153
WARNING SIGNS ..................................................................................................... 154
ETHICAL MYTHOLOGIES ............................................................................................ 154
CULTURAL PROGRAMMING AND PREDICTABILITY ........................................................... 156
SLAVE-ON-SLAVE VIOLENCE....................................................................................... 157
CULTURE AND OBJECTIVITY ................................................................................ 158
CULTURE AND SCIENCE ............................................................................................. 158
CULTURE AND OBJECTIVITY ........................................................................................ 159
WHAT SLAVES REALLY FEAR ...................................................................................... 160
WHY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT CULTURE… ......................................................... 161
THE COSTS OF THE TRUTH .................................................................................. 163
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SO – WHY SPEAK? ............................................................................................... 164
THE GOAL ........................................................................................................... 165
THOUGHTS PRECEDE EMOTIONS ........................................................................ 168
EMOTIONS AND CONTROL.................................................................................. 169
EXPECTATIONS: AN EXAMPLE .................................................................................... 170
THOUGHTS AND FRUSTRATION .......................................................................... 172
CHOOSE YOUR THOUGHTS, CHOOSE YOUR FEELINGS… ...................................... 173
THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF CONTROL… ..................................................................... 174
MY BEST FRIEND AND MY NEW GIRLFRIEND ...................................................... 174
CONTROL VERSUS CURIOSITY ............................................................................. 175
USING OTHERS ................................................................................................... 176
CATASTROPHES ....................................................................................................... 176
THE TRUTH I AM AVOIDING… .................................................................................... 177
INTRODUCING MYSELF TO MYSELF… ........................................................................... 180
ANXIETY AND CONTROL ..................................................................................... 181
THE SUBTLE TYRANNY OF INCONSISTENCY .................................................................... 182
THE VENGEANCE OF THE SLAVE .................................................................................. 182
THE DANGERS OF VENGEANCE ................................................................................... 183
THE SLAVERY OF CHILDHOOD ............................................................................. 184
HOLDING OUR OWN CHAINS… .................................................................................. 185
POWER AND LIBERTY .......................................................................................... 187
REMAINING VULNERABLE .......................................................................................... 188
POWER AND FAMILY .......................................................................................... 190
CHOICE AND QUALITY .............................................................................................. 191
FAMILY AND HISTORY ............................................................................................... 192
THE EMPIRICISM OF EMOTIONS ......................................................................... 195
THE PROPAGANDA OF REGRET ................................................................................... 195
THE FACTS OF YOUR FEELINGS ................................................................................... 196
PROPAGANDA AND MOTIVATION ...................................................................... 198
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POWER VERSUS PLEASURE ........................................................................................ 198
FOLLOW THE BENEFIT… ...................................................................................... 200
CULTURE, PROPAGANDA AND EXPLOITATION .................................................... 201
THE ALTERNATIVE TO GRUDGING COMPLIANCE… .............................................. 204
THE REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIP (RTR) ......................................................................... 205
THE CORE OF FEAR .................................................................................................. 206
SLAVERY AND FREEDOM............................................................................................ 207
THE HYPOCRISY OF “CONSIDERATION”… ............................................................ 208
THE KEY TO THE CELL ............................................................................................... 209
TESTABLE HYPOCRISY? ............................................................................................. 210
THE IMPOSSIBILITY OF ADULT RECIPROCITY ................................................................... 211
FOLLOWING THE MATERNAL BENEFIT .......................................................................... 213
RTR AND EMPIRICISM ........................................................................................ 214
DIAGNOSIS ............................................................................................................. 214
PARANOIA? ............................................................................................................ 215
EXPLORING THE FACTS .............................................................................................. 217
BARRIERS TO THE TRUTH .................................................................................... 218
WORKING WITH THE FACTS…..................................................................................... 220
CRIMINAL SLAVES .................................................................................................... 220
SPEAK THE TRUTH .............................................................................................. 221
INTEGRITY IN HONESTY ............................................................................................. 222
CONCLUSIONS AND FACTS ................................................................................. 224
AVOIDING “STORY TIME” .......................................................................................... 224
POST HOC ERGO PROPTER HOC .......................................................................... 227
AVOIDING MYTHOLOGY ..................................................................................... 227
“INFLICTING” EMOTIONS .................................................................................... 228
QUALITY OF SERVICE .......................................................................................... 229
CONSULTATION ....................................................................................................... 230
IDENTIFICATION AND SELF-EXPRESSION ............................................................. 232
DEPTH RIGHT AT THE SURFACE ................................................................................... 232
FEELING YOUR FEELINGS .................................................................................... 233
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YOUR FIRST FEELING… ........................................................................................ 234
SLOWING DOWN... .................................................................................................. 235
THE TRUTH WE REPRESS… ........................................................................................ 237
EMOTIONS AND EXPLOITATION.......................................................................... 238
EVEN DEEPER…....................................................................................................... 238
EVEN DEEPER! ...................................................................................................... 240
THE TRUTH WITHIN… .............................................................................................. 241
DODGING DEFENCES ........................................................................................... 243
FLYING FROM FLIGHT…............................................................................................. 244
EVIL AND LYING....................................................................................................... 245
HONESTY AND PROOF .............................................................................................. 246
TYPICAL DEFENCES.............................................................................................. 247
MINIMIZATION ....................................................................................................... 247
SELF-PITY .............................................................................................................. 248
DENIAL .................................................................................................................. 249
COUNTER ATTACK ................................................................................................... 249
GENIAL BLANKNESS ................................................................................................. 250
FRAMING ............................................................................................................... 251
AGGRESSIVE APPEALS TO “COMPASSION” .................................................................... 252
AGGRESSIVE APPEAL TO “SELF-RESPECT” ..................................................................... 253
THE CONVERSATION ........................................................................................... 254
THE PRINCIPLES AT WORK ......................................................................................... 258
WHAT NEXT? ......................................................................................................... 260
THE ENDGAME........................................................................................................ 261
DEAD SOULS........................................................................................................... 262
ON THE OTHER HAND… ........................................................................................... 263
YOUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD AWAITS – BUT NOT FOREVER… ................................. 264
CONCLUSION ...................................................................................................... 264
REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS: THE TRANSCRIPTS .................................................. 267
RTR IN ACTION: THE TRANSCRIPTS ..................................................................... 268
TRANSCRIPT #1: GENERAL DISCUSSION ....................................................................... 268
TRANSCRIPT #2: JESSEN............................................................................................ 296
TRANSCRIPT #3: RICKY ............................................................................................. 321
INDEX ................................................................................................................. 371

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REAL-TIME RELATIONSHIPS:
THE LOGIC OF LOVE
S
ome of the greatest movies of the past ten years explored what it is
like to live in an illusion. “The Sixth Sense,” “Fight Club” – and,
greatest of all, “The Matrix.”
Let’s start with a spoiler or two, shall we?
In “The Matrix,” a young man is awakened from a computer-generated
imaginary world to find that he is enslaved by robots who are paralyzing
him with the illusion of life in order to harvest his electrical energy.
This is a wonderful metaphor on many levels, and tells us an enormous
amount about our “relationship” with truth and reality.
In the movie, the robots that were originally invented to serve mankind
end up ruling mankind and spinning an illusory “reality” which keeps
their former masters entombed in the mere appearance of a life.
My take on this metaphor is that it is really describing propaganda.
For instance, the government is an institution that was originally
designed to serve citizens – “government by and for the people.”
However, as we have seen countless times, what we create to serve us
ends up ruling us.
Governments that were supposedly created to keep our property safe
from thieves now steal upwards of 50% of our income under the guise of
“taxation.”
Governments were supposedly created to give us participation in the
“democratic process” – yet if we do not agree with whatever those in the
government decree, we are threatened with violence and imprisonment.
Through the endless infliction of pro-state propaganda in government
schools, we grow up believing in mad illusions such as “countries,”
“virtuous violence,” “participative democracy,” “voluntary taxation,”
“moral murder” in the form of “armies” and so on.
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