Outsmarting A N G E R 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion JOSEPH SHRAND, MD with Leigh Devine, MS Cover concept: Galen Shrand; cover photographer: Carol Shrand; cover Photoshop: Jason Shrand; cover model: Becca Shrand; book illustrations by Sophia T. Shrand Copyright © 2013 by Harvard University. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint One Montgomery Street, Suite 1200, San Francisco, CA 94104-4594—www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey- Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317-572-4002. Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print verfsions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http:// booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Shrand, Joseph, date. Outsmarting anger : 7 strategies for defusing our most dangerous emotion / Joseph Shrand, MD, with Leigh Devine, MS. – First edition. pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-118-13548-8 (cloth); ISBN 978-1-118-22527-1 (ebk.); ISBN 978-1-118-23875-2 (ebk.); ISBN 978-1-118-26337-2 (ebk.) 1. Anger. 2. Anger–Treatment. I. Devine, Leigh, date. II. Title. RC569.5.A53S57 2013 152.4'7–dc23 2012048731 Printed in the United States of America first edition HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 For my dear departed friend Avrom Weinberg, PhD, whom I never saw angry and whose warmth and honesty are sorely missed For Dorothy and Richard McCann, without whom I would never have known what it is to be truly loved and respected —JS To my ever supportive and loving family —LD Contents Preface vii Acknowledgments ix Introduction 1 1 A Glimpse into the Angry Brain 9 2 Recognize Rage 33 3 Envision Envy 59 4 Sense Suspicion 81 5 Project Peace 109 6 Engage Empathy 139 7 Communicate Clearly 165 8 Trade Thanks 193 References 219 About the Authors 229 About Harvard Health Publications 231 Index 233 v Preface A few years ago, I started writing a book about the power of respect. In my career as a psychiatrist and throughout my life, I’d observed that when people acted with respect toward one another, feelings of anxiety and anger seemed to diminish. Inspired by this notion, I wrote a nearly complete book before realizing I had no idea how to publish one. So off I went to a seminar offered by Harvard Health Publications on how to publish your book. While there I met some remarkable people, listened to their stories, and shared my ideas. The day after the seminar was over, I received an email from Dr. Julie Silver, who is the chief editor of books at Harvard Health Pub- lications. To my astonishment, she liked my ideas and asked me if I would consider writing a book with them. Thinking as an editor, she told me that respect might not be compelling enough to grab readers’ attention. But anger—now there is a topic everyone can relate to. Anger is exciting, dangerous, mysterious, and primal. It implies a seething, perilous potential for threat and taps in to our deep human desires. Anger is daunting and forbidding and all too pervasive in our modern-day world. Take my idea about the untapped power of respect, suggested Julie, and explore it through the lens of anger. So I have. In my profession as a psychiatrist, I have been impressed by how often a patient had become angry to the point of seeming out of touch with reality. When a brain gets to this point, bad things usually happen. But if you confront someone about his anger, he may get even vii viii Preface angrier. This direct approach has never worked. And asking him to control his anger, to manage his anger, can also be like putting match to tinder and igniting fury. But what if, instead of telling someone to manage his anger, we helped do it for him? What if we could actually use our own brain to calm the angry brain of another person? What if we could use our thinking brain to redirect our feeling brain? One of the most remarkable human abilities we have is one we hardly know how to access. Each of us is inherently able to decrease someone else’s anger. This book is not just about anger management. It is about using your brain to outsmart anger in someone else’s brain.
Description: