On apology

252 Pages·2007·1.32 MB·English

by  Lazare

On Apology
Aaron Lazare
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Copyright © 2004 by Aaron Lazare
First published by Oxford University Press, Inc., 2004
198 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016
www.oup.com
First issued as an Oxford University Press paperback, 2005
ISBN-13: 978-0-19518911-7 ISBN-10: 0-19-518911-6
Oxford is a registered trademark of Oxford University Press
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,
without the prior permission of Oxford University Press.
The Library of Congress has cataloged the cloth edition as follows:
Lazare, Aaron, 1936-
On apology/Aaron Lazare.
p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-0-19-517343-7 ISBN-10: 0-19-517343-0
1. Apologizing. I. Title.
BF575.A75L39 2004
BF575.A75L39 2004
Design: planettheo.com
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper
To my wife, Louise,
and to the memory of my parents,
H. Benjamin Lazare and Anne Lazare
Contents
Acknowledgments
ONE
The Growing Importance of Apologies
TWO
The Paradox of Apologies
THREE
How Apologies Heal
FOUR
Acknowledging the Offense
FIVE
Remorse, Explanations, and Reparation
SIX
Why People Apologize
SEVEN
Why People Do Not Apologize
EIGHT
The Timing of Apologies
NINE
Delayed Apologies
TEN
Negotiating Apologies
ELEVEN
Apology and Forgiveness
TWELVE
Afterword: The Future of Apologies
Notes
Bibliography
Index
Discussion Group Guide
Acknowledgments
There is an oft-quoted African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child.” I
found that it also takes a village to write a book. My village is the faculty and
staff of the medical school campus at the University of Massachusetts,
Worcester, my family, and friends outside the university.
I learned about apology on a daily basis from my wife Louise and my
children Jacqueline (deceased), Sam, Sarah, Tom, Hien, Robert, David, and
Naomi. My grandchildren, particularly Gabriel, taught me about the importance
of apology in children. Sarah contributed to discussions of the law and apology.
From the very beginning of my interest in apology, over ten years ago, a
psychologist colleague of mine, William Vogel, Ph.D., met with me regularly to
encourage me, read and criticize my manuscripts, and assure me of the
importance of my task. He brought to our discussions a vast knowledge of
history. Marjorie Clay, Ph.D., director of ethics, did a masterful job of editing in
the broadest sense. She understood what I was trying to communicate and did
not rest until she felt I got it right. I believe I became a better writer under her
tutelage. Both Bill and Marjorie ensured that I wrote logically and with
precision. Both criticized my failings directly, with no holds barred, but with
sensitivity and caring. Both are intellectuals who are committed to contributing
to society. I will be forever grateful that they saw my work on apology as worthy
of their tireless energy and their generosity of spirit.
Administrator Sandra Beling worked tirelessly beyond 9-5, and always in
good spirits, to find original source material, review chapters, share ideas, and
assemble the manuscript for publication. Administrative assistants Linda Boria
and Diana Coppolino read manuscripts, offered ideas about apologies, and
organized my work life to make it possible to complete the book while working
in my role as the chancellor/dean. Paula MacDonald worked diligently as a
research assistant.
Numerous people generously offered their advice, recommendations,
encouragement, and personal apology stories. These people were coworkers,
friends, relatives, and friends of my children: Mark Shelton, Andrea Badrigian,
Lanny Hilgar, Robert Nemeth, Lee Hammel, Manuel Zax, Albert and Linda
Sherman, Paul Appelbaum, Mai Lan Rogoff, Salah M. Hassanein, Jon Kabat-
Zinn, Pat Loughery, Betsy Wright, Anastacia Wilson, Susan Wentz, Jim Wells,
Will Sogg, Rabbi Leslie Gutterman, Rev. G. Truman Welch, Rev. John E.
Brooks, S. J., Paul Miller, Myron Cummins, Mort and Vivian Sigel, Bob and
Shirley Siff, John Goodson, Eileen Duhamel, Alan Preston, Virginia Preston
(deceased), Nick Cannon, Loren Preston, Ben Preston, Jim Granger, Sandy
Lazare, Sally Mason, Joan Lazare, Helen and Harold Perkel, Janet Cannon, Pat
Cannon, Frances and James Cannon (deceased), Ken Rothwell, Brady Millican,
Ed Hausman, Matt Gorman, Matt Tedrow, Billy Anderson, Gemma Sole,
Meriwether Burruss, Burncoat High School in Worcester, Massachusetts, and
Carl Sandburg High School in Orland Park, Illinois.
My coworkers helped by carrying some of my workload to keep the medical
school functioning at full speed: Rick Stanton, Cheryl Scheid, Michele Pugnaire,
and Tom Manning.
Jack and Shelley Blais's selfless generosity and support inspired me in ways
they may never comprehend.
My high school English teacher, Mrs. Beatrice Harelick, is always in my
mind when I think about psychological matters and writing. She was an
inspiration to many students at Bayonne High School in Bayonne, New Jersey.
Leon Eisenberg, M.D., my mentor and friend for 36 years, has always
encouraged innovative inquiries into the human condition.
Bryan Hamlin was responsible for inviting me to present my ideas to an
international audience at Caux, Switzerland, where I received the gift of meeting
Professor Rajmohan Gandhi, who discussed my presentation.
I am deeply indebted to the Josiah Macy, Jr. Foundation, under the
leadership of June Osborne, M.D., for its generous support in promoting
communication skills in the medical encounter.
I am particularly grateful to Fiona Stevens, my editor, at Oxford University
Press, for her encouragement and support throughout the entire process of
publication.
On Apology