Not ''just friends'': rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity PDF
Preview Not ''just friends'': rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity
FREE PRESS A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 2003 by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. F P and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. REE RESS The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows: Glass, Shirley P. Not “just friends” : protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal / Shirley P. Glass with Jean Coppock Staeheli. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. 1. Adultery. I. Staeheli, Jean Coppock. II. Title. HQ806 .G576 2003 306.73′6—dc21 2002034742 ISBN-13: 978-1-41658640-1 ISBN-10: 1-4165-8640-7 Visit us on the World Wide Web: http://www.SimonSays.com To my husband, Barry, who has been so much more than a friend. You have fostered my aspirations, creativity, and individuality as we have matured together throughout the years. CONTENTS Acknowledgments Introduction PART I: THE SLIPPERY SLOPE Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair? 1: I’m Telling You, We’re Just Friends Being Attracted Means You’re Still Breathing Being Jealous Could Mean That You’re Tuned In Approaching the Slippery Slope To Have and to Hold … Step 1 : Platonic Friendship/Secure Marriage Step 2: Intimate Friendship/Insecure Marriage Walls and Windows Opportunity Is Everywhere Danger Zone: Men and Women at Work! In Your Own Backyard Old Flames Burn Honest The Intimacy of the Internet Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly? The Prevention Myth Avoiding Fatal Attractions 2: Crossing into a Double Life Step 3: Emotionally Involved Affair/Emotionally Detached Marriage Beginning a Double Life Three Red Flags at the Threshold Commitment versus Permission Step 4: The Sexually Intimate Affair/ The Threatened Marriage What’s Happening in the Affair? What’s Happening in the Marriage? When Sex Enters an Emotional Affair Complications of the Double Life Lying Compartmentalizing Other Ways of Dealing with Internal Conflict PART II: THE TRAUMA 3: Reaching the Moment of Revelation Loss of Innocence Before Revelation: Secrets, Lies, and Suspiciousness Avoiding Confrontation Unsuspecting Partners Tracking the Clues Warning Signs of Infidelity Being a Detective Hiring a Detective Confronting Your Suspicions When Accusations Are Denied The Many Pathways to Discovery Confessions The Informant Accidental Discoveries The Immediate Aftermath 4: In the Wake of Discovery Traumatic Aftershock: The Emotional Roller Coaster Reactions of Betrayed Partners Reactions of Unfaithful Partners Reactions of Unmarried Affair Partners Why Some People Are More Traumatized Than Others Shattered Assumptions Individual Vulnerabilities in the Betrayed Partner Pre-existing Stressful Life Events The Nature of the Betrayal The Threat Continues Establishing Safety: Stop and Share Step 1 : Stop All Contact with the Affair Partner Step 2: Share All Unavoidable Encounters Step 3: Be Accountable Surviving Day by Day Develop Support Networks Practice Damage Control Lift the Lid a Little Bit First Steps of Trauma Recovery Is It Worth the Pain? 5: Should You Pick Up the Pieces or Throw In the Towel? Ambivalence Barometer: Walls and Windows Walls Windows Two on a Seesaw Ambivalence in the Involved Partner Ambivalence in the Betrayed Partner Damage Control for Both Partners Getting Off the Fence Think Things Through Before You Act Questions Betrayed Partners Can Ask Themselves Questions Involved Partners Can Ask Themselves Other Considerations Constructive Separation Ambivalence Therapy Do You Have the Right vpouse but the Wrong Therapist? Picking Up the Pieces 6: How to Cope with Obsessing and Flashbacks Intrusion Obsessing How to Deal with Obsessive Thoughts Flashbacks Constriction Hyperarousal Physiological Hyperarousal Emotional Hyperarousal Hypervigilance New Crises Uncovering Previous Lies Surviving Special Occasions Handling the Affair Partner’s Intrusions Relapses Triggers for Relapses Coping with Relapses How to Take Care of Yourself Reactivate Fulfilling Activities Look Out for Your Physical Health Look Out for Your Mental Health 7: Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill Repair 1 : Getting Back to Normal Take Time Out for Fun and Companionship Make Love, Not War Recall Your Past Together Dream about Your Future Together Repair 2: Fostering Positive Exchanges Ways of Caring Express Appreciation Enhancing Mutual Appreciation and Bull’s-eye Caring Exercise: What Pleases Me about Your Exercise: The Newlywed Game Resistance to Caring Signs of Resistance Overcoming Resistance Repair 3: Learning Compassionate Communication Tool 1: Inhibit, Inhibit, Inhibit Tool 2: Play Ping-Pong Tool 3: Use “I” Messages as the Speaker Tool 4: Be a Good Listener Creating an Empathic Process PART III. THE SEARCH FOR MEANING 8: The Story of the Affair Why It’s Important to Tell Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust Telling Releases the Secret Ties That Bind Telling Increases Marital Intimacy How to Tell Pitfalls to Avoid The Three Stages of Disclosure What to Tell Reconciling Different Perspectives and Mistaken Beliefs Questions to Answer Search for Meaning 9: The Story of Your Marriage Quiz: Relationship Vulnerability Map The State of the Union Sexual Compatibility Inequity Power Struggles From Niagara to Viagra The Family Life Cycle The Marital Lifeline: A Unique History Relationship Dances Parent and Child Saint and Sinner Bully and Sneak Demand-Withdrawal Patterns How to Begin a New Dance The Myth of the Low-Maintenance Marriage 10: Your Individual Stories Quiz: Individual Vulnerability Map Individual Attitudes about Infidelity Justifications and Excuses Premarital Sexual Permissiveness Entitlement Personal Deterrents Conflict between Values and Behavior Running on Empty The Need to Escape The Starving Ego The Need for Excitement Echoes from the Past Old Family Tapes Emotional Allergies Survivors of Childhood Abuse Attachment Styles Passages and Growing Pains New Roles Reluctant Grown-ups Midlife Reckonings Never Too Old The Exception or the Rule? Narcissism Antisocial Behavior Chronic Lying Hope for Change 11: The Story of Outside Influences Quiz: Social Vulnerability Map Birds of a Feather Frolic Together Occupational Vulnerability Faithless Friends The Family Tree The World We Live In The Double Standard Is Alive and Well Trends Sin Cities 12: The Story of the Affair Partner Quiz: Single Woman’s Vulnerability Map The Story through the Lens of the Other Woman Sophie’s Lost Friendship Peggy’s Lost Years Power Balance: Who’s on Top? Dependent Women Independent Women The Guilt-Free Affair Getting to the Root of It Family Triangles A Sexy Veneer A Heart of Gold Lessons for the Affair Partner Lessons for the Couple PART IV: THE HEALING JOURNEY 13: Healing Together How Long Is It Supposed to Take? Four Steps Forward and One Step Back Patience Is Essential Completing Unfinished Business Getting Rid of Reminders The Final Farewell The Unanswered Questions
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