Messages: The Communication Skills Book

370 Pages·2009·4.68 MB·English

by  Matthew McKay PhD

M E S S AG E S
The Communication Skills Book
Matthew McKay, Ph.D.
Martha Davis, Ph.D.
Patrick Fanning
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged
in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or
counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2009 by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
All Rights Reserved
PDF ISBN: 9781572248533
Acquired by Catharine Sutker; Cover design by Amy Shoup;
Edited by Brady Kahn
The Library of Congress has Cataloged the Print Edition as:
McKay, Matthew.
Messages : the communication skills book / Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick
Fanning. -- 3rd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-592-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-57224-592-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Communication. I. Davis, Martha, 1947- II. Fanning, Patrick. III. Title.
P90.M253 2008
302.2--dc22
2008052325
Contents
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
PART I
Basic Skills
1 Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Real Vs. Pseudo Listening  Blocks to Listening  Assessing
Your Listening Blocks  Four Steps to Effective
Listening  Total Listening  Listening for Couples
2 Self-Disclosure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .24
Rewards of Self-Disclosure  Blocks to Self-
Disclosure  Optimal Levels of Self-Disclosure  Assessing
Your Self-Disclosure  Practice in Self-Disclosure
3 Expressing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
The Four Kinds of Expression  Whole
Messages  Contaminated Messages  Preparing Your
Message  Practicing Whole Messages  Rules for Effective
Expression
PART II
Advanced Skills
4 Body Language . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .59
Body Movements  Spatial Relationships
5 Paralanguage and Metamessages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .70
The Elements of Paralanguage  Changing Your
Paralanguage  Metamessages  Coping with Metamessages
6 Hidden Agendas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
The Eight Agendas  Purpose of the Agendas
7 Transactional Analysis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
Parent, Child, and Adult Messages  Analyzing Your
Communications  Kinds of Transactions  Keeping Your
Communications Clean
8 Clarifying Language . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .104
Understanding a Model  Challenging the Limits of a
Model  Challenging Distortions in a Model  Some Final
Clarifications
PART III
Conflict Skills
9 Assertiveness Training . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125
Your Legitimate Rights  Three Communication
Styles  Identifying Communication Styles  Your
Assertiveness Goals  Assertive Expression  Assertive
Listening  Combining Assertive Expression and
Listening  Responding to Criticism  Special Assertive
Strategies  Assertiveness Skills Practice
iv Messages
10 Fair Fighting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150
Unfair Fighting  Identifying Unfair Fighting Styles  Fair
Fighting  Fair Fight Rules  Your Script for Change
11 Validation Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161
What Is Validation?  Why Does Validation Work?  What
Validation Is Not  Components of Validation  Successful
Validating Strategies  The Power of Validation
12 Negotiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
Four Stages of Negotiation  Dealing with Conflict  Rules
of Principled Negotiation  When the Going Gets Tough
PART IV
Social Skills
13 Prejudgment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Prejudgment Traps  Stereotypes  Approval and Disapproval
in Prejudgment  Parataxic Distortions  Perpetuating
Illusions  Clarifying First Impressions
14 Making Contact . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205
Fear of Strangers  Guidelines for Making Contact
 The Art of Conversation  Putting It All Together
PART V
Family Skills
15 Couples Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 223
What Makes a Good Relationship?  Schemas
 Couples Systems  Keeping Your Relationship Strong
v
16 Communicating with Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246
Listening  Expressing  Joint Problem Solving  When to
Let Go  When You Have to Say No  The Point Is…
17 Family Communications . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
Family Communication Disorders  Family Pathology  Family
Systems  How to Keep Family Communications Healthy
PART VI
Public Skills
18 Influencing Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285
Ineffective Strategies for Influencing Change  Effective
Strategies for Influencing Others  Your Plan for Influencing
Change  Lisa’s Plan for Influencing Change
19 Public Speaking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295
Defining Your Purpose  Outlining the
Subject  Presentation  Organization  Audience
Analysis  Style  Supporting Materials  The
Outline  Delivery  Dealing with Stage Fright
20 Interviewing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 312
Clarifying What You Want  If You Are the Interviewer
 If You Are the Interviewee  Conclusion
Recommended Reading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 343
References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 347
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 349
vi Messages
Introduction
Communication is a basic life skill, as important as the skills by which
you make your way through school or earn a living. Your ability to com-
municate largely determines your happiness. When you communicate
effectively, you make and keep friends. You are valued at work. Your
children respect and trust you. You get your sexual needs met.
If you’re less effective at communicating, you’ll find your life defi-
cient in one or more areas: Work may be all right, but your family shouts
at the dinner table. Sex can be found, but friendships never seem to work
out. You bounce from job to job and your mate is often cool, but you
have a great time with your old school buddies. You get a lot of laughs
at parties but go home alone.
Effective communication makes life work. But where can you learn
it? Parents are often dismal role models. Schools are busy teaching French
and trigonometry. Often there’s no one to show you how to communi-
cate your wants, your anger, or your secret fears. No one shows you how
to fight fair instead of blaming others, how to listen actively, or how to
check out someone’s meaning instead of mind reading.
These skills have been known and available for years. They can
and should be taught right along with the three Rs. Young adults, for
example, should learn parent effectiveness skills in school before having
children of their own—not years later when a teenage son is a truant or
a daughter runs away. Colleges should provide core courses in the skills
of communication in addition to the more traditional courses in com-
munication theory.
This book gathers the most essential communication skills into
one volume. They are presented in condensed form, but with sufficient
examples and exercises so that you can begin practicing the skills you want