I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President

124 Pages·2010·2.65 MB·English

by  Lieb Josh

Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Chapter 1: - FEAR ME
Chapter 2: - CHILDREN ARE VERMIN
Chapter 3: - I AM INCONVENIENCED
Chapter 4: - BEHIND EVERY GREAT FORTUNE IS A CRIME
Chapter 5: - MY DOG LOLLIPOP
Chapter 6: - GIRLS CAN BE CRUEL
Chapter 7: - WHAT USE IS A NEWBORN BABY?
Chapter 8: - I ACCEPT A CHALLENGE
Chapter 9: - FAST AND BULBOUS
Chapter 10: - BOYS ARE IDIOTS
Chapter 11: - A BRIEF DISCOURSE ON EVIL
Chapter 12: - A PHONE CALL TO THE LUXURIA CORPORATION
CUSTOMER SERVICE HELP LINE.
Chapter 13: - THWARTED
Chapter 14: - OLIVER WATSON’S THEATER OF THE MIND PRESENTS
THREE PLAYS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT
Chapter 15: - EVIL IS MADE, NOT BORN
Chapter 16: - I DRAW A HISTORICAL PARALLEL
Chapter 17: - I AM IN A FOUL MOOD
Chapter 18: - WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BUTTHEAD?
Chapter 19: - NEWS FLASHES
Chapter 20: - “MEET CUTE”
Chapter 21: - LOVE IS IN THE AIR
Chapter 22: - I WILL STAND ATHWART THIS GLOBE LIKE A
TERRIFYING COLOSSUS AND I ...
Chapter 23: - DADDY HAS OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND
Chapter 24: - HOW TO RUN FOR CLASS PRESIDENT
Chapter 25: - TRANSCRIPT FROM A PLEDGE DRIVE
Chapter 26: - A VISIT TO STATELY SHELDRAKE MANOR
Chapter 27: - SUDDENLY, MY HOUSE SMELLS LIKE LIP GLOSS
Chapter 28: - CALL AND RESPONSE
Chapter 29: - EXTREME MAKEOVER—DORK EDITION
Chapter 30: - I WILL BE VERY HONEST. I DID NOT SEE THIS ONE
COMING
Chapter 31: - EXTREME MAKEOVER—MEGA-DORK EDITION
Chapter 32: - JUST ANOTHER SCHOOL ASSEMBLY
Chapter 33: - AFTERMATH
Chapter 34: - I THINK MY FATHER HAS GONE INSANE
Chapter 35: - I FEEL LIKE I’VE BITTEN A LIGHTBULB
Chapter 36: - OH, THE HUMANITY
Chapter 37: - REVENGE OF AFTERMATH!
Chapter 38: - THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
Chapter 39: - MADNESS
Chapter 40: - (SEE PLATE 18)
Chapter 43: - FINE

I Am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to Be Your Class President
RAZORBILL
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Young Readers Group
345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Copyright © 2009 Josh Lieb
All rights reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lieb, Josh
I am a genius of unspeakable evil and I want to be your class president / by Josh Lieb.
p. cm.
Summary: Omaha, Nebraska, twelve-year-old Oliver Watson has everyone convinced that he is
extremely stupid and lazy, but he is actually a very wealthy, evil genius, and when he
decides to run for seventh-grade class president, nothing will stand in his way.
eISBN : 978-1-101-15093-1
1. Genius—Fiction. 2. Identity—Fiction. 3. Politics, Practical—Fiction. 4. Schools—Fiction.
5. Family life—Nebraska--Fiction. 6. Omaha (Neb.)—Fiction. 7. Humorous stories.] I. Title.
PZ7.L61626 Im 2009
[Fic] 22
2008039692
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The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility
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For B., the nicest genius I know
Chapter 4:
BEHIND EVERY GREAT FORTUNE IS A CRIME
How does a twelve-year-old boy become the third-richest person on earth?
The easiest way is to inherit a bunch of money. Unfortunately, my parents are
neither rich nor dead. I’ve been forced to rely on my genius, which, in all
modesty, has made making money pretty darn easy. I’ve gone from small-scale
investments in the stock market to large-scale manipulation of that same stock
market to titanic-scaled feats of corporate piracy in just a few short years. I now
own land in all fifty states and most of the capitalist countries of the world. I
own investment banks, baseball teams, borax mines, and banana plantations. I
own one movie studio, two television networks, and three newspaper syndicates.
I own the tobacco company that makes Mr. Moorhead’s cigarettes; he’s literally
paying me to kill him. How delicious is that?
All my businesses are scrupulously legal.19 Not because I have any moral
problems with crime. It just makes my life easier to obey the law. Crime is for
poor people; you don’t need to rob the bank if you own it.
That said, my tender age is a problem. Strictly speaking, I’m not allowed to own
or do anything. A twelve-year-old can’t sign a contract or negotiate a deal with a
third-world dictator. I have to hide my age and identity behind a screen of shell
corporations, limited partnerships, and holding companies. And I need a
figurehead—a patsy—to be the putative leader of this financial juggernaut.
Which is why Lionel Sheldrake is quivering at my feet. “Get up, Sheldrake,” I
bark gently, “and walk with me.”
Sheldrake is the cornerstone of my cover. Cover is deception. Cover is why I
pretend to be stupid when I’m not. Cover is why magicians’ assistants are
always beautiful—so they can distract you while the magician takes a peek at
your card. Cover is safety.