How to Parent

226 Pages·1971·50.116 MB·English

by  Fitzhugh Dodson

THE MILLION-COPY BESTSELLER!
T H E INDISPENSABLE
G U I D E T O Y O U R
C H I L D ' S F O R M A T !
YEARS. . .
''SHOULD BE REQUIRED
"'
READING FOR EVERY PARENT. "
-Louise Bates Ames , Ph.D. ,
Director. Gesell I luman D..:vc..lopmcnL
.\ssoL1ate in:>t1tutc of
I
• SHOULD YOU IGNORE YOUR CHILD'S
CRYING AT BEDTIME?
• IS IT ALL RIGHT TO SPANK YOUR CHILD?
• WHAT ARE THE BEST WAYS TO DEVELOP
•
YOUR CHILD'S IMAGINATION?
• HOW DO YOU HANDLE TEMPER TANTRUMS?
• DOES A WORKING MOTHER JEOPARDIZE
HER CHILD'S SECURlm
These are only a few of the •itally im·
portant questions answered in HOW TO
PARENT. Here is an eminently practical
guide to dealing with every key problem
you and your child will encounter in his
first five years; here is an exciting approach
to child-rearing that bu become for the
parents of today what Ginott was to the
60s and Spock to the 50s.
c.o
-- -
c:
en
......,
co OJ (/) DR.. FITZHUGH DoosoN is an internationally renowned
z
0 (:It psychologist whose best-selling books How to Father, How
~ 0 O'>
01 • •
(Q to Parent, and How to Discipline-With Love, have re
~
01 -(Q
_.
- ceived acclaim from educators and parents all over the
~•
CJl
world.
O'> C.11 (")
en
I\)
::t>
Ul N z The father of a girl and two bo}'S, Dr. Dodson draws
co C1I
•
from his parental experience as well as from his more than
0
fR
CX>
twenty years of professional work, both as a psychologist
•
01 <O
0 CD and an educator. He bas appeared on numerous TV and
O>
<O radio shows, and is in great demand throughout the coun
<O
try as a lecturer.
A member of Phi Beta Kappa, Dr. Dodson is an honors
graduate of John Hopkins and Yale universities, and re
ceived his Ph.D. from the University of Southern Cali·
forniL
•
•
•
by Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson
•
Foreword by Louise Bates Ames, PhD.
Keynote by Charles M. Schult
Edited by Sylvia H. Cros.s
•
(/)
A SIGNET BOOK
•
Dedication
SIGNET
To my mother, a teacher, and my father, a stock
Published by the Penguin Group
Pengwn Books USA Inc .• 375 Hudson Street, broker, who loved me and gave me my start in life.
New York. New York 10014. U.S.A.
To my grandmother, whose prayers first directed
Penguin Books Lid, 27 Wrights Lane,
London W8 5TL. England me Into the ministry.
Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood.
To my grandfather, who taught me the meaning
V1etona. Austrnlin
of old-fashioned integrity.
P.enguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Akom Avenue,
Toron10, Ontario, Canada M4V 362 To my Uncle North, who by his own example in·
Penguin Books (N.Z.) L:td, 182-190 Wairau Road.
structed me in both courage and chutspah.
Auckland 10, New Zealand
To my Aunt Maryon, who showed me what true
Penguin Boo s Ud. Registered Offices:
gracioUSDese is in a woman.
Harmondsv.-orth, Middlesex, England
To my "second mother,'' Adelyn Breeskin, who
Published by Signet. an imprint of Penguin USA.
opened doon for me to the world of culture.
or
a div1S1on Penguin Books USA loc.
To my "second fathers'':
This is an authorized repnnt of a hardcover edition published by Nash Pub Nor•••an Atkins, from whom I learned much
lishing. The hardcover edition was publbhed simultaneously in Canada
about people and my own potential sell
firsl Printing. February, 1971
and Howard who taught me how to weld
Goh~
33
and work with my hands
Copyright C 1970 by Fitzhugh Dodson
••• to all these wonderful parents and pa.rent
All rights reserved. No pan of this book may be reproduced in any form or
figures, I dedicate this hook on how to parenL
by any means without permission in v.•riting from the pubtisher. For infonna
tion addres\ 'ash Publishing. 1290 A\'enue of the Americas.. Suite 4150. New Fitzhugh Dodson
Yor ·• New York lfX>l9.
©
"None but a mule denies his family"
RF..GISTEREO ':fllAOE"1ARK- \1ARCA REGISTRAOA -old Syrian proverb
Printed in she Un11ed Stales or America
If ~ou purchased 1his book without a cover you should be aware that 1his
boo· is stolen propcny. It \\oS reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the
publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment
for this "stripped book ...
-
•
Acknowledgements
To these peopl"' my speclaJ thanks:
Writing this book bas impressed upon me the fact that no
author can ever justifiably claim to be a ••self-made man."
Every book is the product of the thought and work of many
people, and I want to express my special thanks to those
persons who have contnouted to my thinking in this book.
I am grateful to the thousands of psychologists and be
havioral scientists in many different countries of the world
who have studied children and their parents, and upon
whose experimental and clinical research J have drawn in
book.
this
Th.is book grew out of a series of lectures to parents at La
Primera Preschool in Torrance, California, which I have
given every year beginning in 1963. I have learned much
from the comments and questions of all of those parents.
I also learned a great deal from the mothers who took two
of my courses in '0 lbe Fmt Five Years of Life,'' which I
gave as part of the La Primera ''Coffee Cup College."
Psychotherapy has aptly been described as a "window
into the secret places of the soul." and I am grateful to my
patients, both children and adults, who have allowed me
the privilege of looking inside that window. In the course
of our work together they have taught me a great deal about
die human
situatio~
I wish to acknowledge my debt to the late Dorothy Baruch,
whose books have contributed so much to my own thinking
about the science and art of parenting. And to the late Paul
Tillich, with whom it was my privilege to study, and whose
thinking bas been the fountainhead for much of modem
day humanistic psychology. I am also profoundly grateful to
Dr. Seward Hiltner, who tint got me interested in psychol
ogy; to Dr. Carl Rogers, from whose books and lecture.1
vu
~·
...
ix
Bow To PilENT Acknowledgment~
VU1
J have learned a gxcat deal about what it 11 +eans to be a how to parent, and to whom I can never adequately express
peraon; and to Dr. Volney Faw, who inc.orponted the my thanks.
princlplc.9 of Dr. Rogers in ha own life and teaching. I want And finally. to my very skillful ''midwife" at Nash Pub
10 express my gratitude all() to Dr. lee Travis, another of lishing, my editor. Sylvia Cross, who has seen this book
my fine tr.arhua, who taught mo a great deaJ about dynamic all the way through from conception to delivery.
psychology. I am profoundly grateful to all of these people. Without
I want to upn 81 my •11Preciatton aJao to my mento1s in them. I could not have wtitten this book.
the art of w1iting: tho Jato HaHot'd B. l.uccock, in wboee
cla.s9£$ I learned much about the witty ancf incisive of FITZHUGH DODSON
ute
the Bnglitb la081••ae: Rudolph Fletch. whose boob have
MONTE VISfA
been far me a lifelong Q)!!•rwe in the art of readable writing;
AUTUMN, 1969
WiIJiam C. Oiamblill, who taught me, along with many
other thinp about nooftctioD w1 iting. the diflerenc:e betw·een
a "letter to the editur" 1ad a boot; Bcr11b PitzOibbon.
whose book Maq's, Oimheb, & .is a one-volume ency
M~
cl~ia in tho art of C(lll1a11mnicattng ideas; and Erik
Bamoaw, Al Crews. Prank Papp, •Dd. Everett Parker, all
of whom tauaht •••o a great deal about wiitiog for radio
and TV.
My sincere thank• to all who have helped +e1y apeclflcally
in enaNing the original rcMagyfi _m,a,n,,•,1 nipt to pow into the
boot.
coaaplded To PJ1i,ne. and Mild•ed
Schul~
for exr:eDent and, at ti•1w, prwue cootrz tjpi"ls To Jean
'Bttk•x•an for m~t·tM deld1im xero•iog..
To all those who have 1ead the mannnipt end made
helpful mggestiona: Janet Switu1, Ph.D.; Allen Da1boone,
Ph.D. •nc:t bia wife Ohmy; Al Bach, PILI). am his wife
Ramah; Bob I...aCrome. Ph.D. and Jean LaCro.e. PILI>.;
Digby Diehl; Mac and Kate Pricdl•oder; Carol Kinnon;
Jeanne Ha11Ja; Stanley and Mam\!ICD Moore; Tom and
Gladya Eaaon; David amt Ginger TuD.:; Cart •nd Ann
Brown; Qiarfe1 •nd Bernadotte Randall; Mel •nd Joan
Lir.,tsey; •nd George •nd Retta McCoy. To Sheila Weber
who helped with the annotated children'• book tilt in tho
appendix.
To ClJ.arfes M. Schulz, who has ao gcnerouely lent hil
name and talenta to my boot, 10 that b111h'.Jred1 Of tbo11•and1
of people will r~ it who otherwise would probably not
~ve done ao. a gratitude whkh la tm1y impc.1iblo to put
mto
WOML
To Bil Keane. wonderful father, Joving husband, and
excellent cartoonist. my appicciation for illmbating this
boot. beca•L9e he baa perfectly apressed ia carbon form
IO
What I have said in Written form.
To my wife PJise •od to my children Robin. Randy
and Rusty, all of whom have taught me a great deal about
Foreword
New parents have a great deal to learn from those already
experienced in what Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson caJJs the art of
parenting. And when he who already has the experience is
also a child psychologist and psychological consultant of bis
own nursery school, he inevitably bas a good deal to share.
As Dr. Dodson points out, producing a child does not
automatically provide wisdom or effectiveness in the art of
being a parent. To do a really good job, it is essential to
know quite a bit about the way children grow.
This knowledge comes to many only through experience,
and many mistakes will be made along the way. Some of
these can be avoided if one knows in advance a little some
thing about the common path which all children follow as
they approach maturity.
•
This author tells a good deal about that common path,
in solidly developmental terms. He also emphasi:res that it
is not enough to know about successive stages and then sit
back and wait for them to occur. Knowledge is useful chiefly
in that it allows a mother or father to know bow most effec
tively to meet and deal with the behaviors which occur at
each successive stage.
That Dr. Dodson and I are diametrically opposed oncer
tain vital matters I think breast-feeding, when possible, is
essential; I consider teaching reading to preschoolers unes
sential does not detract, in my opinion, from the value of
his general presentation. Such di.fierences of opinion perhaps
exist between almost any two child psychologists, as they
do between any two parents.
Dr. Dodson does not pretend to preach the gospel. Rather
than preach, he generously shares his own experiences as a
parent, and his opinions as a psychologist. He does not ask
you to go with him every step of the way. Parents should
•
X1
•
• ••
xii How To PARENT Foreword x11a
use information in a book such as this only if it helps. I than being that 11nique combination of twenty-four-hour·a·
believe that much in this particular book will help. day child psychologist and teacher that we call a parent.
Most parents enjoy general information about child be Parenting i.r a learning process for w all.
havior, but what most really search for is specific advice Each of us has to do the job himself, but many will be
about what to do and what not to do. This book is generous grateful for the solid help offered in this vital book with its
in such advice. The chapter on discipline is especially useful unusual title How to Parent.
in this respect Advice about providing environmental con
trol, about differentiating between natural and artificial con LOUISB BAT ES AMES, PH.D.
sequences, and about giving a positive rather than a nega
GBSELL INSITl'U'I'B
tive model, as well as nine recommended rules of discipline
OF CHILD DEVELOPMENT
and twelve Thou Shalt Not's, should be required reading for
•
every parent. And for good measure, the author throws in
as a final aid to any struggling parent, a lively Baker's Dozen
Guideline for raising children.
I particularly like Dr. sensible and highly
Dodson~s cal~
rational approach to the subject of television. He clearly •
Jlppreciates what TV does contribute, and does not castigate
it unduly for what it does not do, does not view with alarm,
does not accept the popular notion that children become
violent just because they watch violent actions on the screen.
In fact, throughout, his style is calm and easy, almost
belying the fact that what he has to say is of the utmost im
portance.
Most any parent will welcome the very real help in the
art of parenting which this book provides. And children
need all the good parenting they can get in these days of
social change, when growing up is by no means easy.
I heartily agree with the author that ''you can learn many
scientific facts about children, but if you don't have the
feel of cl1ildhood you must re-establish contact with the child
within yourself, the child you once were. This is your best
single guide to bringing up your own children. Without the
feel of childhood we adults will misuse and distort the
scien titic facts because we will be viewing them entirely
through adult eyes .. ,
I further agree with and appreciate his stress on the fact
that "each of your children is a unique combination of genes
which has never before existed on this planet and never will
be found again. . . . The most important thing you can do
for your child is to stand back and allow him to actualize
the unique and potential self which is unfolding within him.,,
The author is right when he emphasizes the fact that con
temporary society gives practically no training in how to be
a good parent, in spite of the fact that a parent is the •
most important teacher his child will ever have. He is right
in his admission that there is no harder job in our society
•
Contents
A llote to Parents
21
1
Mothers and Their Feelings
31
Adjustment to motherhood • Feelings of inadequacy •
Feelings of resentment • Expressing your feelings • Your
baby-a unique individual • Respecting your child's in
dividuality • Your child's stages of development • Your
child's self-concept
2
Infancy
40
The eyeglasses of self-concept • The first eyeglasses of in·
fancy • The formation of your child's outlook on life:
basic trust vs. basic distrust • Breast vs. bottle • Self
demand or schedule • Sleeping patterns • The diaper bri·
gade • Contact comfort • Mother: the f11Jfillment of your
•
baby's needs, his first b11man relationship • Intellectual
needs • Sensory and intellectual stimulation: objects, toys,
mother • The first three months: avenues of stimulation,
a participating environment • Three to six months: a tran
sition • Six to nine months: stranger anxiety, repetition
and imitation • N'me to twelve months: completing the
transition from horirontal to vertical orientation • The
labeling game
3 6
Toddlerhood 74 Preschool
P•rt one 155
The threo-year-old; a ''Golden Age'' of equilibrium • The
\.learning stage: self-confidence or self-doubt • The Age
four-year-old: "out-of-bounds" • The fivt>year-old: a de
•f Exploration • Childproofing your house • Toys are
lightful age • F\1lfilling biological needs • Outlets for en
e textbooks of toddlerhood: the necessity of play • Out
ergy • Muscular coordination: laterality and directionality
loor play • Indoor play • Language development: passive
• A control system for his impulses • The parental role
md active, expressive jargon • Your home-a school for
in impulse control • Separation from mother • The new
earning • Feeding problems • Toilet training • Your
world of his peers • Leaming to express his feelings: re
;hild's attitude toward his body
pression vs. expression • Gender identity: male or female
• Identification with mother • Sexual discovery • How to
4
help your child develop a healthy sexual attitude • How
you can help affirm the gender identity of your child •
First Adolescence
Part one 98
Father
Your child's timetable for development • A stage of tran
7
:ition and disequilibrium • Self-identity vs. social con
·ormity • Acquiring a sense of sel.fhood • Parental con Preschool
rwo
Part 181
:rol • Child discipline • The distinction between actions
Developing basic attitudes toward sexuality • A positive
md feelings • Feelings cannot be ignored • The feedback
sex education • Answering children's questions on sex:
• Temper tantrums • How conscience develops
~echniqne
honesty, directness, openness • Books on sex • Sex play •
Nudity • The family romance • Resolving the family
5
triangle • How you can help • Sensitivity to intellectual
stimulation • Basic learning skills • Selecting a nursery
First Adolescence
Part rwo 121
school • Criteria for selection: teachers, equipment, cur
riculum • Kindergarten • What your child has learned
language ability • Answering a child's questions •
~ew
(Developmental accomplishments)
~ as an educational toy • I ealousy in children: sibling
Minimizing feelings of jealousy • Toilet training
lValry •
8
•our child • Bowel training • Bladder control • How
~others feel about toilet training • Play equipment for the
Can You Teach a Dolphin to Type?
203
~t.adolescent • Leaming through play •Nonverbal ac
Mties ~ expression of feelings • Play with other chil Meaning and purpose of discipline • Reinforcing good
lren: solitary, parallel, associate, cooperative • Quiet play behavior in your child • principles for teaching your
~me
• Bedtime ritual • A father's role child desirable e111otional habits