harry's hotter at tw harry's hotter at twilight

51 Pages·2015·0.34 MB·English

HHAARRRRYY''SS HHOOTTTTEERR AATT TTWWIILLIIGGHHTT
_________________________________________

A full-length comedy by
Jonathan Dorf

This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed,
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Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this
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Harry's Hotter at Twilight © 2011 Jonathan Dorf
All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-459-1.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

EUPHORIA, female, bloodthirsty vampire.
FIRST TO GO, male or female, the first to get killed,
repeatedly.
RANDOM LUNATIC, female, something of an authorial
representative.
UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL WIZARD, female, companion to
our young hero wizard.
HARRY, male, aka important post-pubescent guy wizard, one
of our heroes.
ROB, male, aka silly sorta sexy guy wizard.
STELLA, female, aka sulky boring chick, hopelessly in love
with a vampire.
HOT SHIRTLESS GUY, male, a heroic werewolf in love with
Stella.
EDWARD COHEN, aka tortured sexy vampire, male,
hopelessly in love with Stella.
OFFSTAGE VOICE, male or female.
ROAST CANARY, female but pretending to be male daughter
of powerful vampire Don Canary.
MARY CANARY, female, one-eyed but more feminine
daughter of Don Canary.
DONNA CANARY, female, wife to Don Canary.
DON CANARY, male, leader of the Canary Vampire family.
FIRST HENCHMAN, male or female, Canary henchman.
SECOND HENCHMAN, male or female, Canary henchman.
VAMPIRE IN TRAINING, male or female, human recently
turned vamp.
JACK, teenage boy trying to put the moves on his date.
MARILYN, teenage girl, not looking to go too far on her date.
SARA, female, friend of teenage girl.
MARCIE, female, friend of teenage girls.
TEEN GIRLS, friends of Sara, Marcie and the teenage girl,
played by ensemble members.
LATKES COHEN, sister of tortured sexy vampire, a visionary.
LOXY COHEN, sister of tortured sexy vampire, dating Corney
Cohen.
CORNEY COHEN, tough guy vampire brother of Edward
Cohen.
STROMBO COHEN, vampire brother of Edward Cohen.
VILLAGERS, male or female, played by ensemble members.
THE FINE DINER, female, the ultimate evil wizard.
PROFESSOR BAKE, male or female, follower of The Fine
Diner.
FIRST FINE DINER, male or female, follower of The Fine
Diner.
SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH FINE DINERS, male or
female, followers of The Fine Diner, played by ensemble
members.
DUFUS MCFLY, male, follower of The Fine Diner.
WACKO MCFLY, male, son of Dufus McFly.
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN, female, not a student at Pigskins.
ALICES ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR AND FIVE, female,
played by members of the ensemble.
NARRATOR, either gender.
DELIVERY GUY, either gender.
THE DORMOUSE, female, half-brother—yes, you read that
right—to headmaster Harvey Lapin.
RADIO ANNOUNCER, either gender.
STORE P.A., either gender.
STORK, either gender, delivery person for Stella's baby.

It is expected that most productions will use multiple casting.
With some creativity, it's possible to stage the play with
roughly 12 actors (5 males, 7 females). Of course, it's just as
easy to use 50 or more, as in addition to the named speaking
roles above, there are many opportunities for additional fine
diners, Alices, villagers, etc. It is possible to cut Strambo
Cohen and give his lines to Corney. Similarly, it is possible to
cut the Fourth Fine Diner and give the lines to Dufus McFly.

PRODUCTION NOTES

The references to Vogue and Esquire may be updated as
appropriate.

For productions outside of the US, the line in scene 1 that
refers to American actors can be changed to Canadian,
Australian, etc. British productions may change the response
to the line to "Of course we're still British. Queen and country.
Hip hip!"

In the Alhambra HS production, they used a minimal set
which flew in and out. Alternatives include area staging or
putting set pieces on rollers/wheels. Feel free to be creative
and minimalist with your set. For example, Alhambra turned
the poppy field into a single box. The more ridiculous, the
better.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Harry's Hotter at Twilight was first produced by Alhambra
High School (Alhambra, CA) in May 2011.
Harry's Hotter at Twilight 7

ACT I

SCENE 1
(Lights up. A sign says, "Welcome to Spork, Washington."
Somewhere outside in a lonely looking place. EUPHORIA,
bloodthirsty female vampire, backs the FIRST TO GO into a
corner. The First to Go screams.)

EUPHORIA: (Advancing:) There's no one to hear you scream.

FIRST TO GO: Wait!

EUPHORIA: I'm a vampire. I need to feed.

FIRST TO GO: This isn't fair. I get like a minute of stage time.

EUPHORIA: This is a one-act. It's important that they
establish me as a threat right away.

FIRST TO GO: But you're not even the main—
(Euphoria grabs the First to Go by the throat, cutting him off.
Enter the RANDOM LUNATIC, female.)

RANDOM LUNATIC: Actually, we're going full-length. Way
too much material to squeeze into 30 minutes.

EUPHORIA: Who are you?

RANDOM LUNATIC: (Exiting, in a maniacal sing-song:) I
killed Serious White, I killed Serious White...
(The Random Lunatic exits.)
(Euphoria closes in for the bite/kill.)

FIRST TO GO: Wait!

EUPHORIA: What?

FIRST TO GO: I don't even have a name.

EUPHORIA: Sure you do—you're First to Go.
© Jonathan Dorf
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
8
Jonathan Dorf

(Euphoria attacks, biting First to Go's neck and feeding until
First to Go collapses—and Euphoria drags him off. Enter a trio
of teen wizards: UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD,
SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD, and IMPORTANT
POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD. Euphoria returns to hide
out of their sight.)

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: I don't think
we're in England anymore.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: Gloomy like England.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: (Reading
the sign:) Welcome to Spork.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: Are we still British?

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: American actors
can't do British accents. It would be a disaster. (Beat.) A spork
is a dining utensil. Very suspicious.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: People
are disappearing everyday.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: I wouldn't be surprised
if someone disappeared from this very spot.

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: All the signs
point to You Know (Always done by everyone in a falsetto akin to
"yoo hoo":) Who-oo.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Wands
out.
(They pull out their wands.)

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: What is it?

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: Does your wedgie
hurt?

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Blood.
© Jonathan Dorf
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
Harry's Hotter at Twilight 9

(He points at the blood left by Euphoria.)

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: But first,
some back story.
(The Silly Sorta Sexy Wizard turns his back to the audience.)

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: No, silly, back
story is all the things that happened before we got here.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: I knew that. (Beat as he
turns around:) This is awkward.

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: Yes, conveying
the back story is often awkward.
(Important Post-Pubescent Guy Wizard clears his throat
purposefully.)

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: Sorry. I'm
secretly attracted to this Silly Sorta Sexy Guy Wizard, so
sometimes my mouth gets so nervous that it just won't stop,
which makes people think I have the hots for a certain
Important Post-Pubescent Guy Wizard because they're
practically joined at the hip, but that's a Princess Leia-Luke
Skywalker thing. (Beat.) Carry on.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Sorry.
All the nervous talking made me lose my train of thought.

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: Were you about
to tell us that when you were a baby, a powerful evil wizard
led a bunch more evil wizards called the Fine Diners, and they
tried to enslave the world in their kitchens, making
outrageously complex dishes, sauces that simmered for days
on end, baking a neverending parade of unpronounceable
pastries...

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: (Cringing:) Sfogliatelle.
Kaiserschmarrn. Charlotte russe.

© Jonathan Dorf
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.
10
Jonathan Dorf

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: Or were you
going to skip all that and tell us that You Know Who-oo killed
your parents, but your mother's love for you was so strong
that it's left you with a permanent wedgie?

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Her grip.
Her grip was so strong.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: (To audience:) I always
wondered 'bout that wedgie. When I was a first-year wizard, I
was always getting hung by my shorts, but once you get let
down, you just give a yank, maybe a shake or a good pull and
you're good as new. (Beat.) Sometimes I give a little look-see in
the change room or when it's near lights out, 'cause we're
roommates—not 'cause I'm checkin' it out—not that there's
anything wrong if my wand did swing that way, but I have a
secret crush on a certain Uptight Know It All Girl Wizard. I
just want to know how the wedgie works. Like when he puts
on a fresh pair of undies, does it magically crawl up?

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Did you
just say you've been—

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: No.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: Good.
That would be weird.

SILLY SORTA SEXY GUY WIZARD: Yeah. I only told the
audience about that.

IMPORTANT POST-PUBESCENT GUY WIZARD: (Beat.)
This blood is fresh. Or it was before you both delivered long
monologues.

UPTIGHT KNOW IT ALL GIRL WIZARD: And look at the
artistic arrangement.

EUPHORIA: (Aside—as are all her remarks in this scene:) I guess
I'm just an artiste.
© Jonathan Dorf
This is a perusal copy only.
Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted.