Handling children’s aggression constructively: toward taming human destructiveness

310 Pages·2011·2.21 MB·English

by  Parens

Handling Children’s
Aggression Constructively

Handling Children’s
Aggression
Constructively
Toward Taming Human
Destructiveness
Henri Parens, MD
JASON ARONSON
A division of
ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.
Lanham• Boulder • New York • Toronto • Plymouth, UK
Published by Jason Aronson
A division of Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.
A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
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Copyright © 2011 by Jason Aronson
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems,
without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote
passages in a review.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Parens, Henri, 1928-
Handling children’s aggression constructively : toward taming human destructiveness /
Henri Parens.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-7657-0687-4 (cloth : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-7657-0689-8 (electronic)
1. Aggressiveness in children. 2. Aggressiveness in children—Prevention. I. Title.
BF723.A35P374 2011
155.4’18232—dc22
2010043841
Printed in the United States of America
(cid:1) ™
The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American
National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library
Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.
To the 40,000,000 children
In our world
Who are abused or neglected.
In the hope
That they will not become
The next generations
Of abusers.
***
“Consider UNICEF’s report that ‘An estimated 40 million children globally
under the age of 15, [probably an underestimation,] suffer from violence,
abuse, and neglect,’ according to a UN-sponsored study led by Paulo S. Pin-
heiro, in what is deemed to be the first detailed look at how children experi-
ence violence all over the world, and what must be done to prevent and end
the scourge.”
—Henri Parens, “Malignant Prejudice
—Guidelines toward Its Prevention” (2007)

Contents
Preface xi
Acknowledgments xiii
PART I: CAN WE TAME HUMAN DESTRUCTIVENESS? 1
Chapter 1 The EPPI/MCP Study of Aggression 3
The Research Project 3
The Follow-up Studies 5
Effects of Parenting for Emotional Growth
on Aggression Profiles 6
Significance of the Individual’s Aggression Profile 8
Chapter 2 The Critical Interaction between Human Attachment
and Aggression 11
Attachment and Aggression 12
Chapter 3 The Impact on the Child of Internally Accumulated High
Levels of Hostile Destructiveness 19
Rebellion against Family and Authority Figures 20
Delinquency and Crime 20
Malignant Prejudice and Its Enactments 21
PART II: HANDLING AGGRESSION IN OUR CHILDREN 29
Chapter 4 What Is Aggression? 31
When Should Parents Start to Deal
with Children’s Aggression? 32
vii
viii Contents
Understanding Our Child’s Behavior Helps
Us Devise Growth-Promoting Strategies
for Child Rearing 33
What a Child’s Aggression Can Do 34
What Is Aggression? 35
A Working Model for Understanding Aggression 36
Implications for Parenting 49
Chapter 5 Dealing Constructively with Excessive
Unpleasure Experiences 59
Rationale 61
What Your Child’s Experience of Excessive Unpleasure
Looks and Feels Like 62
Child Turns to the Caregiver for the Relief of Pain 66
Be Emotionally Available and Responsive
to the Child’s Need for Help 68
Try to Identify the Source of the Excessive Unpleasure 69
Chapter 6 Recognizing and Securing the Child’s Need
for Sufficient and Reasonable Autonomy 75
Rationale 76
What Motivates This Type of Behavior? 77
What Can the Parent Do? 79
Chapter 7 Compliance 85
Compliance Versus Obedience 85
What Kind of Children Do We Want? 86
Why Is Achieving Compliance Such a Challenge? 87
Compliance Versus Obedience and Personality
Formation 89
Compliance 90
The Problem of Excessive Compliance (or Obedience) 95
The Evolving Principle of Human Rights 99
From Excessive Compliance (Passive Obedience)
to Insufficient Compliance 101
The Problem of Insufficient Compliance 103
Reasonable and Growth-Promoting Expectations 110
Timetable for the Development of the Ability to Comply 114
Chapter 8 Achieving Compliance: Discipline, Limit Setting,
and Punishment 129
Rationale 130
Setting Limits Constructively 133
Contents ix
When to Set Limits 134
Principles of Setting Limits 136
The Basic Limit-Setting Model 137
A Critical Point in Setting Limits 138
Principles of Punishment 141
Limit Setting and Punishment over the Years 143
Infancy (zero to eight months) 144
Toddlerhood (8 to 24 Months) 144
Preschool Years (two to five years) 147
Elementary School Years (5 to 12 years) 154
Adolescence (12 to 18 Years) 159
Chapter 9 Teaching the Child to Express Hostility
in Reasonable and Acceptable Ways 167
Rationale 171
Interventional Steps 175
Why Reduce Our Children’s Need
to Erect Defense Mechanisms? 182
Dealing with Teasing and Taunting 187
Chapter 10 How to Handle Temper Tantrums
and Rage Reactions in Growth-Promoting Ways 193
Time of Emergence 199
Early-Life Temperament and Experiences Play Their Part 200
Developmental History 202
Rationale 204
Interventional Steps 207
Chapter 11 Helping the Child Cope with
Painful Emotional Feelings 223
Coping with Anxiety 224
Coping with Depression 233
When to Turn to Professional Guidance 241
Chapter 12 Optimizing the Parent-Child Relationship 245
Human Attachment 247
Separation-Individuation:
Becoming a Self Related to Others 253
The Impact of Infantile Sexuality on
Child-Parent Relatedness 259
Later Trends in the Evolving of Relationships
in Childhood 264