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FAMILY OF ORIGIN ATTACHMENT AND ITS IMPACT ON NEW RELATIONSHIPS A THESIS-PROJECT SUBMITTED TO THE FACULTY OF GORDON-CONWELL THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE DOCTOR OF MINISTRY BY MARVIN HUGLEY MAY 2017 Copyright © 2017 by Marvin Hugley. All Right Reserved. CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS …...……………………………………………………… iv ABBREVIATIONS ……………………………………………………………………. v ABSTRACT …….………………………………………………………………….…. vi CHAPTER 1 – FAMILY AND ATTACHMENT ……………………………………. 1 CHAPTER 2 – THE BIBLE AND ATTACHMENT ………..………………………… 27 CHAPTER 3 – LITERATURE REVIEW ………………………………………...… 50 CHAPTER 4 – CASE STUDY ……………………………………………………75 CHAPTER 5 – THERAPY AND OUTCOMES …………………………………. 105 APPENDIX …………………………………………………………………………. 128 REFERENCE …………………………………………………………………………. 129 VITA ….………………….…………………………………………………………... 138 iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I thank my wife, Melinda, for her support and encouragement during my time away for classes and even when I locked myself away to write this thesis-project. I thank my children – Shala, Jalisa, Marvin Jr, and Michael – for their confidence in me to complete this project. You all told me I could do it, and you were right. I thank my parents, Jerry and Patricia. You worked hard to make sure I obtained my first degree, and this accomplishment is another fruit of your labor. I thank my church family, Maranatha. You supported me and prayed me through three years of this journey. When I was reassigned to a new church, I still felt your support and prayers for me. Finally, I thank Karen and Ray for sharing their wisdom, for their prayers, and support. I add you both to the list of educators who I consider to have made a lasting impact on my life. I am a much better person and counselor because of the contribution of so many wonderful people in my life. May God bless all of you. iv ABBREVIATIONS ESV* English Standard Version EFT Emotionally Focused Therapy HIV/STD Human Immunodeficiency Virus/Sexually Transmitted Disease NKJV New King James Version UCLA University of California Los Angeles *All scripture is taken from the ESV except where indicated otherwise v ABSTRACT The impact of family is rooted deeper than many realize. Family of origin serves as the training ground for a person’s infant through adolescent years. The time comes when a person leaves his or her family of origin and forms new relationships, but do people truly leave behind their family of origin? This thesis-project examines the evidence that suggest that people take into a new relationship many influences from their family of origin. While people do physically leave their family of origin, they mentally and emotionally take their family of origin with them into new relationships. In other words, people enter new relationships with behavioral patterns, systems of beliefs, and expectations that are formed in their family of origin and will continue to manifest in the new relationships. Researchers use attachment theory to explain this concept. Attachment theory suggests that during the years of living with their family of origin, people develop mental representations called internal working models which guides how they understand the world, self, and others. As a result, many issues in adult relationships, such as marriage, can be traced back to family of origin; which, then, can be treated based on the understanding of attachment. vi CHAPTER 1 FAMILY AND ATTACHMENT Family Influence We are all born into a family. We are born into a family that we do not choose and one that does not choose us. Yet, the family we are born into is one of the greatest influencing factors in our lives. Family forms an environment of socialization in which family members evolve, shape their personality, and acquire values. The family environment is where family members also develop attitudes and opinions on various subjects such as politics, society, social relations, self-identity and personal desires (Rani, 2014). For this reason, it should come as no surprise that some sons want to be like dad, while some daughters want to be like mom due to parental influence. Some younger siblings also want to be like their older brother or sister due to sibling influence. Family really does have a hold on us from the food we like or dislike, to the type of clothes we wear, to the core beliefs we develop, habits we form, decisions we make and much more. It can be said that an individual is stuck on family and family is stuck on an individual. Subsequently, we take our family of origin with us everywhere we go including into any new family that is established by our relationships such as marriage. There is an impact on the new family, but to what extent? Many of the influences from an individual’s family of origin often become the expected standard of norm in the new family. Therefore, it is crucial to understand how an attachment to family of origin concepts, patterns (of thinking and behavior), structures, and hierarchy impact other relationships such as a new family. Insight in this area will not only explain negative outcomes in 1 family relationships, but also predict them which in turn might make it possible to prevent them. The Evolving Definition of Family The starting point for understanding family of origin influences is understanding the definition of family. In other words, who can be in the family? Are step-siblings who visit once per year family? Family is not a simple term to define due to the fact that families are as different as the individuals in the family. According to Hanson and Lynch (2013), families cannot be narrowly defined because families are not unitary. Families are multidimensional. The differences between families can be described in almost every imaginable way including size, membership, sociocultural and socioeconomic status, language, cultural, racial and ethnic identification, beliefs, values, and traditions. Families can also be distinguished by how they organize to accomplish the day-to-day routines and requirements of family life. What this means is there is no one-size-fits-all definition for family. Depending on the person, organization, event, or purpose, the definition of family may vary. One example of the evolving definition of family can be found on the Census report from the U.S. Census Bureau. Historian David Pemberton (2015) traced the definition of family on the Census report back to the 1800s. Starting with 1860, the definition of family on the Census instructions stated: By the term ‘family’ is meant either one person living separately and alone in a house, or a part of a house, and providing for him or herself, or several persons living together in a house, or part of a house, upon one common means of support 2 and separately from others in similar circumstances. A widow living alone and separately providing for herself, or 200 individuals living together and provided for by a common head, should each be numbered as one family. (para. 8) Ten years later in 1870 eating together was added as a defining element in the definition of family. The new definition stated: “Under whatever circumstances, and in whatever numbers, people live together under one roof, and are provided for at a common table, there is a family in the meaning of the law” (Pemberton, 2015, para. 9). By the 1900 Census, the definition had evolved even more. It stated: The word family has a much wider application, as used for census purposes, than it has in ordinary speech. As a census term, it may stand for a group of individuals who occupy jointly a dwelling place or part of a dwelling place or for an individual living alone in any place of abode. All the occupants and employees of a hotel, if they regularly sleep there, make up a single family, because they occupy one dwelling place. (Pemberton, 2015, para. 5) The 1920 Census offered a new definition: The term ‘family’ as here used signifies a group of persons, whether related by blood or not, who live together as one household, usually sharing the same table. One person living alone is counted as a family, and, on the other hand, the occupants or inmates of a hotel or institution, however numerous, are treated as a single family. (Pemberton, 2015, para. 4) The 1930 Census reworded the definition of family to read: “Persons related in any way to the head of the family by blood, marriage or adoption are counted as members of the family” (Pemberton, 2015, para. 2). The U.S. Census Bureau’s definition of family has 3 not had a major rewording since 1930. At the time of this writing, the most current Census report is the 2010 Census report. It states, “A family consists of a householder and one or more other people living in the same household who are related to the householder by birth, marriage or adoption” (Pemberton, 2015, para. 1). Pemberton (2015) shows that before 1930, the U.S. Census Bureau defined family as either one person or multiple people living in a house. The definition evolved to include people not only living together in a house, but also making common provisions for food. Further edits to the definition more clearly defined the members of the house as being either blood relatives or non-relatives. In 1930 the definition evolved to eliminate a single person and non-relatives as being considered family. Since 1930 family has been defined by the U.S. Census Bureau as two or more people living in the same house who are related in a genetic or legal way. DeGenova, Rice, Stinnett, and Stinnett (2010) correctly note that “according to the Census Bureau, if adult children move out of their parents’ household and establish families of their own, they are no longer considered a part of their parents’ family” (p. 2). These same authors also note that other definitions for the word “family” have been proposed: Winch (1971) defined the family as “a set of persons related to each other by blood, marriage, or adoption and whose basic societal function is replacement.” But this definition seems to limit family functions to child rearing. Burgess and Locke (1953) defined the family as “a group of persons united by ties of marriage, blood, or adoption; constituting a single household; interacting and communicating with each other in their respective social roles (husband and wife, 4