Am I Ugly? PDF
Preview Am I Ugly?
AM I UGLY? Michelle Elman Start Reading About this Book About the Author Table of Contents www.readanima.com About Am I Ugly? In today’s world of supplements, celebrity diets and social media, it’s very easy to be hard on ourselves about the way we look. With all this pressure to strive for ‘perfection’ aesthetically, it is easy to forget how damaging this can be psychologically. Michelle Elman is a leading part of the body positivity movement that has been gathering momentum to liberate people from these unrealistic standards, recognise that all bodies are equally valuable and broaden the billboard definitions of beauty. Am I Ugly? is this inspiring woman’s compelling and deeply personal memoir that describes her childhood experiences of life-threatening health problems, long stays in hospital and fifteen complex surgeries that left her scarred, both mentally and physically. The narrative follows Michelle’s journey from illness to health, and from childhood to adulthood as she deals with her body- confidence issues to embrace both her scars and her body – and help others to do the same. This remarkable book grapples with the wider implications of Michelle’s experiences and the complex interplay between beauty and illness. CONTENTS Welcome Page About Am I Ugly? Epigraph Author’s Note SECTION ONE 1. Am I being a drama queen? 2. How did I end up back here? 3. Is my body even mine? 4. Am I OK? 5. Am I worried about dying? 6. Is perspective the solution? 7. Why was I spared? 8. Was I still lovable? 9. Do we all need control? SECTION TWO 10. Do friendships stand the test of time? 11. Who does revenge hurt more? 12. Did anyone care? 13. Am I fat? 14. Do you have to stare? 15. Is this friendship? 16. Can you just stop eating? 17. Are all boys like this? 18. Can I change things? 19. How long could I keep hiding my scars? 20. And how do you feel about that? 21. Am I an adult now? SECTION THREE 22. Do I have to ask? 23. What does it mean to be a woman? 24. What is love? 25. Is anything simple? 26. Will I ever be normal? 27. Will I ever go home? 28. Am I in control? 29. Skinny or healthy? 30. Is living in fear living at all? 31. Is this real? 32. Am I still me? 33. What’s my identity? 34. What happens now? 35. Is this what happy feels like? 36. Am I ugly? Epilogue Acknowledgements Further Resources About Michelle Elman About Anima Copyright For every child that is lying in a hospital bed wondering what they did to deserve this – you aren’t alone. AUTHOR’S NOTE Some of the names of both people and places in this book have been changed in order to protect the dignity and privacy of the innocent – and particularly, the not-so innocent. Identifying details about individuals and locations have also been changed, but the stories that are told within this book are all factual and accurate to my recollection. The events that occur are exactly how I remember them happening at the time; however, as with any story, my experience will be biased by my own perceptions. This is my most authentic truth and I take solace in knowing that I would be the villain in someone else’s story but for now, this is mine. SECTION ONE 1 Am I being a drama queen? My school uniform – a kilt and pinstriped shirt – was clinging to the carpet. The lavender tie around my neck was tangled and trapped under my elbow, restraining me even further. I felt a prickling sensation on my face where it had hit the floor – and my head was throbbing. It took a while for the sounds of the room to return. I heard the girls screaming, and then I heard them being silenced. Footsteps approached slowly. It was Mrs Wright, my teacher. ‘Stand up.’ I had fainted at school, the second time in the week. It was my first year at boarding school in England. I was just eleven, a small and skinny girl with a tight ponytail and bright pink and purple glasses. There had been the usual stresses of adjustment to a new school and being away from home for the first time, and these had been compounded by migraines. Terrible migraines. The week before, as term exams approached, the pain had been so excruciating that I’d had difficulty standing. In the nurse’s office I was given a painkiller and a cool cloth for my head and sent on my way, back to class. Later, when I became dizzy and fainted, I was taken to the medical centre for further examination. The diagnosis: I was coming down with the flu. When the flu didn’t come, I returned to class and fainted again. I was taken to see another doctor, who diagnosed my problem as emotional. Stress was the culprit. The mega-hothouse climate of St Keyes, where girls from all over the world came to a remote and boggy corner of the British Isles to receive a traditional education and compete with each other on a microscopic level in every aspect of their lives – academically, socially, musically, right down to who had the best handwriting – was to blame. The school motto: Trust, Encouragement and Mutual Respect, which was drilled into us constantly, to the point of misery, had done little to mitigate the pressure.
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