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an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC penguinrandomhouse.com Copyright © 2021 by Marc Chernoff and Angel Chernoff Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader. TarcherPerigee with tp colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Chernoff, Marc, author. | Chernoff, Angel, author. Title: 1000+ little habits of happy, successful relationships / by Marc Chernoff and Angel Chernoff. Description: New York: TarcherPerigee, Penguin Random House LLC, 2021. Identifiers: LCCN 2020032953 (print) | LCCN 2020032954 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593327739 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593327746 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Self-acceptance. | Families. | Interpersonal relations. Classification: LCC BF575.S37 C44 2021 (print) | LCC BF575.S37 (ebook) | DDC 158.2—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020032953 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020032954 Interior art: Fireworks, zigzag and hearts patterns by Aleksenko Julia / Shutterstock.com; Sunburst by WANWIDesign / Shutterstock.com Cover design: Sandra Chiu & Jess Morphew Cover image: 4zevar / Shutterstock This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional services. If you require legal advice or other expert assistance, you should seek the services of a competent professional. pid_prh_5.6.1_c0_r0 To all the amazing humans we’ve met who have added value to our lives and to the lives of others Contents Introduction PART 1: SELF-LOVE & SELF-WORTH It Starts with You 3 Little Reminders That Will Make You Feel Way Less Alone 12 Ways to Stop Worrying About What Everyone Thinks of You 20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts 8 Ways to Be Emotionally Strong in Your Relationships 5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships 10 Things You Need to Say Before It’s Too Late One Hard Thing You Must Admit Before Your Life Slips Away PART 2: COUPLES & MARRIAGE Communication Is Key How to Find the Perfect Man (or Woman) 5 Questions That Will Save Your Relationships 4 Toxic Behaviors That Tear Couples Apart 6 Things Every Couple Should Stop Doing 10 Things Happy Couples Do Differently 6 Ways Happy Couples Deal with Disagreements Differently 9 Old-Fashioned Relationship Habits We Should Bring Back How to Make Love Last: The Best Relationship Advice from 45 Years of Marriage PART 3: CHILDREN & FAMILY Kids Have Opinions Too One Priceless Lesson We Often Forget About Love and Life 9 Things Happy Families Do Differently 10 Proven Ways to Raise Smarter, Happier Children 40 Things We Need to Teach Our Kids Before They’re Too Cool to Hear Our Wisdom 17 Powerful Truths Every Parent Should Read 10 Things to Remember About Toxic Family Members PART 4: FRIENDSHIPS & EVERYDAY RELATIONSHIPS Open Yourself to Others 10 Types of Friends Worth Fighting For 40 Things We Forget to Thank Our Best Friends For 10 Relationship Tips Everyone Forgets 28 Ways to Uncomplicate Your Relationships 5 Powerful Rituals for Meeting the Right People & Building New, Healthy Relationships How to Build Solid Relationships (with Enormously Successful People) PART 5: CONFLICT & DRAMA Walk Away or Change Perspectives 8 Things to Remember When Your Relationship Gets Rough 7 Things to Remember When You Feel Cheated On 7 Things to Remember When You’re Scared to Speak Up 9 Mindful Ways to Remain Calm When Others Are Angry Should I Forgive Him? Should I Forgive Her? Here’s What You Should Ask Yourself First 20 Powerful Mantras to Stop the Drama in Your Life Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First 9 Rampant Toxic Behaviors That Tear Relationships Apart 10 Signs Your Friend Is Toxic 12 Negative Thoughts That Push People Away from You 12 Truths That Will Bring Peace When You Deal with Difficult People PART 6: BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS Learn to Accept What Is Where Happiness Is Found: The Stories Too Many People Believe for Too Long 6 Incredibly Common Reasons We Become Our Own Worst Enemies 7 Things You Should Stop Expecting from Others 7 Ways to Protect Yourself from Other People’s Negative Energy 8 Things You Should Never Give Up for a Relationship 9 Good Signs You’re in the Right Relationship PART 7: LOVE & PAIN Two Halves Don’t Make a Whole 7 Things to Remember When Someone You Love Is Depressed 5 Things to Remember When Someone You Love Loses Someone They Love 18 Things to Remember When Your Heart Is Breaking 59 Short Love Stories to Cheer You Up One Popular Love Story That Breaks Too Many Hearts The Unwritten Love Poem: Why True Love Is So Hard to Express Final Note If You Want to Continue Your Journey with Us About the Authors Subscribe for Free Introduction WE ARE ALL in this together—this wild world we live in—so always be kinder than necessary. What goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Everyone you know, love, or meet is learning something, is afraid of something, cares deeply about something, and has lost something. You know this. So keep doing your best to be extra kind today. Be compassionate in whatever way you can. Be a beacon of hope to people you pass on the street. Embody what you know in your heart is right. And keep in mind that many of the kindest gestures you’ll ever make, and the most important things you’ll ever do, won’t come easy and will never be seen publicly. But they are worth doing anyway. Let this book be your guide—your source of daily inspiration—to stay on track in your relationships and interactions with others. Digest one page at a time with your morning coffee or your evening tea. And we promise that you won’t just grow in knowledge; you’ll be a person who gives back too. This book will inspire you to use what you’re learning, and what you know, to make a difference. To be a blessing. To be a friend. To encourage someone. To take time to care. To let your words heal and not wound. You have the power to improve someone else’s day, perhaps even their whole life, simply by giving them your sincere presence, compassion, and kindness today. And by doing so, you have the power to transform your life too. What would it be like to open up your heart instead of closing it? What would it be like to notice your inner narratives and move through them into growth, into peace of mind and real connection? That’s precisely the direction we’re heading in. We’re going to explore how the time you invest in creating both healthy relationships and healthy mindsets about your relationships can affect almost everything else you do in life. It’s how you can truly make a difference in this world. But before we begin, let’s get one timeless lesson crystal clear: Happiness and success in life don’t start solely with your relationships. They start with your thinking and what you tell yourself today. In other words, the real journey of nurturing healthy relationships starts with mindful inner calmness. • • • ON A CHILLY evening twenty years ago, after spending nearly every waking minute with Angel for eight straight days, I knew I had to tell her just one thing. So late at night, just before she fell asleep, I whispered it in her ear. She smiled—the kind of smile that makes me smile back. And she said, “When I’m seventy-five, and I think about my life and what it was like to be young, I hope I can remember this very moment.” A few seconds later, she closed her eyes and fell asleep. The room was peaceful—almost silent. All I could hear was the soft purr of her breathing. I stayed awake thinking about the time we’d spent together and all the choices in our lives that made this moment possible. And at some point, I realized it didn’t matter what we had done or where we had gone. Nor did the future hold any significance. All that mattered was the serenity of the moment. Just being with her, and breathing with her. • • • WHY DID I just share that personal story with you? Because doing so helps remind me. And I know you need a reminder sometimes too. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the beauty and sweetness of truly absorbing ourselves into the present moment— into the people, the dialogues, and the priceless little gifts that exist there. We need to be reminded what it’s like to be truly present, and accepting, and at peace. Because too often, amid the drama and chaos of life, we forget. We forget to simply be and breathe with those around us. We forget to appreciate the beauty they possess, despite their flaws. The Human Superpower of Calmness The most fundamental aggression to ourselves and others—the most fundamental harm we can do to human nature as a whole on a daily basis—is to remain ignorant by not having the awareness or courage to look at ourselves and others honestly and gently. All day, every day, many of us get annoyed with people and their situations when they fail to live up to our expectations, as if their reality isn’t enough for us and never will be. We reject these people, as their “problems” somehow seem different from our own. We feel like we need something better, something more from them—and we scream inside! We let our emotions and anxieties get the best of us. And we blind ourselves to the truth. The truth is, when someone upsets us, this is often because they aren’t behaving according to our fantasy of how they “should” behave. The frustration, then, stems not from their behavior but from how their behavior differs from our fantasy. Let this sink in. And let’s not get carried away going forward. Calmness is a human superpower! Regardless of the situation, the ultimate measure of our wisdom and strength is how calm we are when facing the situation. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps our mind clear and our heart at peace, which instantly gives us the upper hand against the stress, fear, and confusion of the moment. Being Calm Under Pressure Over the past decade, we have gradually been cultivating in ourselves a new way of being—we’ve been taming our tendencies to get angry and irritated with people when their behavior doesn’t match our expectations.