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(RE)MEMBERING: CONSTRUCTING AN ECOCOSMOLOGY OF BELONGING A Dissertation presented to the Faculty of Claremont School of Theology In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree Doctor of Philosophy by Tomeka C. Jacobs December 2021 © 2021 by Tomeka C. Jacobs NT S C HOOL OF T O H M E O E L R O A G L Y C 1885 This Dissertation completed by Tomeka C. Jacobs has been presented to and accepted by the Faculty of the Claremont School of Theology in partial fulfillment of the requirements of the degree Doctor of Philosophy Faculty Committee Dr. Frank Rogers, Jr., Chairperson Dr. Andrew Dreitcer Dr. Yohana Junker Dean of the Faculty Dr. Andrew Dreitcer December 2021 ABSTRACT (RE)MEMBERING: CONSTRUCTING AN ECOCOSMOLOGY OF BELONGING by Tomeka C. Jacobs “(Re)Membering” investigates the spirituality of queer Black women through the construction of an ecocosmological spiritual framework. It deploys narrative weaving as an epistemology, pedagogy, and ontology. Conceptualizing the decolonial, “(Re)Membering” travels through space, place, and time to rediscover the parts of ourselves that have been quieted due to cisheteronormative, patriarchal, hegemonic, misogyny, and misogynoir systems of domination. It reflects what it means to engage the decolonial through a theological and interdisciplinary lens. As queer Black women have often been overlooked in both academic and cultural milieus, “(Re)Membering” serves as a love letter. It is a place of welcome, healing, and affirmation of one’s embodiment. Using queer autoethnography and decolonial methods, “(Re)Membering” takes the reader on a journey of becoming. Throughout this work themes presented are those of belonging, identity, healing, pain, joy, disconnection, reconnection, and the practice of (re)membering ourselves in the ecocosmological sphere. As an art form, this work relies heavily on scholars from disciplines beyond the scope of theology to address theological concerns and conscious positioning. It is a call to unlearn, disconnect, deconstruct, and then (re)member, reconnect, and construct in life-giving, life-affirming, and life-altering ways. Keywords: Queer, Ecocosmology, Ecology, Womanist, Theology, Physics, Spiritual Formation, Black Feminism, Black Women iv ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I would not be here were it not for the ancestors who have gone before me. This work was a labor of love and deep connection to the spirits of my grandmother Mildred, my recently deceased aunt Freida, my deceased sister Natashia, and my deceased sister Toma. I have walked through the transition of life with many of my loved ones and I call them here in this moment as this work is complete. To my mother, you have been my biggest cheerleader and one of the first theologians with whom I had the privilege of sitting under. To my grandfather, who is ninety- eight years old, I carried you in my heart as I wrote my narratives. Speaking with you on the phone always gave me new life and renewed purpose. To my mentors, Dr. Frank Rogers, Jr., Dr. Andrew Dreitcer, Dr. Yohana Junker, Dr. Dionne Bensonsmith, Dr. Marsha Foster-Boyed, Dr. Charisse Gillett, Dr. Sherly Kujawa- Holbrook, and Dr. Steve Monhollen, I am here because of your nurture and care of my artistic expressions. With every course, conversation, and guided meditation I was able to hone the skills I had while learning so much more. I am especially grateful my committee who journeyed with me from my first semester of doctoral work. Lastly, to my spouse, Dr. Clemette Haskins, we have shed many tears, laughed deep belly laughs, and worked until the days flowed into months. You have been on this doctoral journey with me at much cost to your own sanity at times and yet, here we are. I looked to you as you completed your doctoral journey and here I am bringing up the rear. For every meal cooked, laundry washed, massage given, late night cry session held, nurture that was needed, guidance I did not know I needed, soft words that were spoken, encouragement that lit me like fire, I thank you from the depths of me. We did it! v TABLE OF CONTENTS The End …………………………………………………………………………………………..1 Chapter 1. Rediscovering Rootedness ………………………………………………………………15 Digging ..............................................................................................................................15 Feminist Ecospirituality .....................................................................................................15 Global North ...............................................................................................................15 Global South ...............................................................................................................20 Ecowomanism ....................................................................................................................24 Black Feminist and Queer Ecospirituality .........................................................................44 Breaking Roots ...................................................................................................................53 2. A Way…………………………………………………………………………………….55 Introduction ........................................................................................................................55 Queer(ing) Autoethnography .............................................................................................57 Decolonial Approach .........................................................................................................62 Ecomemory ........................................................................................................................71 Spiritual Embodied Research .............................................................................................77 Jacobs’ Method ..................................................................................................................81 3. (Re)Membering…………………………………………………………………………..86 Introduction ........................................................................................................................86 Unmoor ..............................................................................................................................87 Breath .................................................................................................................................92 Rain ....................................................................................................................................97 vi Cleanse .............................................................................................................................102 Attuned .............................................................................................................................109 Luminosity .......................................................................................................................114 Ending Reflections ...........................................................................................................119 The Beginning …………………………………………………………………………………122 Welcome ..........................................................................................................................122 Rituals and Practices ........................................................................................................131 Sending Forth ...................................................................................................................143 Bibliography ................................................................................................................................149 vii The End For some this is a beginning. For me, this is an ending. Journeys are cyclical things that often have no clear ending and beginning. They simply flow into one another. I want to welcome you into the space as you are entering a journey with me. Together we are starting at the end of what will be the beginning for some of you. This is an invitational space of ecocosmic belonging. You do not have to possess the answers now, they will come. I am beginning a journey of becoming and inviting you to come along with me. Be not afraid. (Re)Membering may not read like other dissertations. That is perfectly ok. We are exploring together what it means to become, to remember, to (re)member, to discover, to uncover, and to dive deeply into the waters of communion. Dive with me. Breathe fresh breath. Let the earth caress your feet. Feel the fire of passion burn within you. Spirit, we invite you into this sacred space. We call upon the ancestors who guide us. All Life, be with us as we travel through space, place, and time. Let us begin the journey as we start with an ending. Let us begin. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I knew my life did not matter. I wish I could regale you with experiences and moments of revelation. It did not happen that way. It never happens that way. Instead, it is a slow burn of annihilation. It is an amalgam of messaging reinforced by the patriarchal, hierarchal, capitalistic, hegemonic, misogynistic, misogynoir, homophobic, white supremist systems of domination and control. Yes, all of them. I wish I could pinpoint my self-hatred, self-doubt, self-harm, and self-destruction. Instead, I can only speak of my experience with the hope it is not mine alone. How did I get here? Where do I come from? Those are the theological, philosophical, and ontological questions that need to be addressed. I realized, not in one experience alone, 1 but legion, that my life, my expression, my essence, my embodiment, did. not. matter. So, I will tell a story. A story about a young woman finding her way through the messiness of life and the trauma of human existence. This story follows the trajectory of self- discovery, self-love, self-determination, and self-acceptance. It is a tale of belonging. Queer Black women have been on the margins of almost every community, historically, we have belonged. We have been forced to assimilate, lie, and hide the beautiful essence of who we are. This is a historical fact, one that is ongoing. While times have changed, much has stayed the same. Spirituality is important to some Black people. It is also important to many Black queer women. Sasha is one of these women. We will call her Sasha for the purposes of this work as Sasha is a name near and dear to me. Sasha was a bright young thing. She was full of life, full of vigor and passion. She was curious and often scolded for her curiosity toward life. She never felt like she belonged. She never felt like she fit. She found her way navigating the trenches of childhood as a fetishized Black girl made to feel uncomfortable at unwanted touch. She was forced to grow up too fast. Multilayered violence was done against her. She felt like God was with her, though she could never fully flesh out just who or what God was. She wrestled with her queerness, wondering why she felt so different. So strange. She looked at boys and thought, I want to be better than them, not be with them. She was young. She had no other conception of gender. Sasha felt a little boyish and girlish at the same time. She did not understand the constructive nature of gender. She questioned the validity of God. Was he real? Was he a, he? Was he mean, angry, jealous? Those did not sound like a God Sasha could relate to. Sasha had a connection to the earth. She felt at home in nature. She was taught that those who worshipped nature and found 2 the power in its creation to be witches. Sasha was not a witch…what was a witch? Or was she? There was no room for Sasha to explore her spirituality or faith in an environment that both fetishized and dehumanized her. She was too many “others.” There was no space for Sasha to mete out what it meant for her to be attracted to other girls. Sasha was bound. She needed to break free. She discovered along her journey a place to express her thoughts, questions, wonderings, and confusions. There was a place where Sasha’s pain was accounted for and recognized. There was a place for Sasha’s queerness to be embraced as part of her created divinity. There was a place. That place was not among her family of origin, rather a secret place. A place where people go to question, dismantle, deconstruct, and reconstruct their faith. Sasha learned through her journey that there was a spirituality out there for her, she simply did not know what it was. Could this spirituality hold her pain, her joy, her curiosity, her wonder, her awe, her beauty, her queerness, her love of nature, her connectedness to the earth? These were questions Sasha had to ask herself. She learned more about West African spiritualities, and they felt familiar, but not home. She learned about Native American spiritualities, and they felt more like home as they embraced the duality of spirit Sasha could relate to. She was raised in the Black church of multiple denominations—Baptist, Apostolic, Pentecostal. She was aware of the spirit realm and all it had to offer. She was enticed by the ability to speak her truth to systems that would have otherwise rendered her silent. Yes, there was a spirituality for her. She found it in the readings of ecowomanism and ecospirituality. As a queer Black woman of both African and Native American 3