Fowler - Finding A Way Forward After The Death Of A Child: Compassion as a Way through Grief.

2020·1.6 MB·English

by  Nancy L. Fowler

FINDING A WAY FORWARD AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD:

COMPASSION AS A WAY THROUGH GRIEF

A Dissertation

presented to

the Faculty of

Claremont School of Theology

In Partial Fulfillment

of the Requirements for the Degree

Doctor of Philosophy in Practical Theology

by

Nancy L. Fowler

May 2020
Copyright © 2020 by Nancy Fowler
This Dissertation completed by

Nancy L. Fowler

has been presented to and accepted by
the Faculty of the Claremont School of Theology
in partial fulfillment of the requirements
of the degree

Doctor of Philosophy

Faculty Committee
Frank Rogers, Jr., Chairperson
Jon Berquist
Alane Daugherty

Dean of the Faculty
Sheryl Kujawa-Holbrook

May 2020
ABSTRACT

FINDING A WAY FORWARD AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD:
COMPASSION AS A WAY THROUGH GRIEF

by

Nancy L. Fowler

This dissertation seeks to determine whether it is possible to create an opportunity for
life-renewing effects for parents following the death of a child. The loss of any loved one is
difficult, but the death of a child is particularly tragic for those left to live with their loss. Grief is
a natural response to life’s inherent hardships, such as grief over the death of a loved one, and
grief, itself, will not be eliminated. Although many grief symptoms are similar, the experience is
different for everyone. The resources for the bereaved are numerous, many of which are included
here, but are generally lacking, especially for any kind of universal help or treatment.
The Compassion Practice is a program that provides a contemplative, step-by-step path
that guides one to develop compassion for oneself and for others, and includes discerning
compassionate action. This program incorporates the principles of the Internal Family System
model of therapy (IFS). The IFS model understands that the human psyche is made up of what
are referred to as parts. These are thoughts and feelings that may have developed in response to
traumatic life events and are used as future defense mechanisms to protect us from experiencing
a similar event in the same painful way. In therapy, the client is guided to go inside to identify
these reactive parts in order to help them to be calmer. It is through this way of going inside that
the Compassion Practice guides participants to develop self-compassion. As wounded parts from
the past, or even from the recent loss, are discovered and tended, there is healing of the parts that
results in healing of the individual.
This study seeks to determine whether a single event can offer bereaved parents some
comfort, and even some healing of their grief. A six-hour workshop was created using the
Compassion Practice with a specific focus on grief after the death of a child. The participants
were parents who had experienced the loss of at least one child, including through miscarriage,
perinatal loss, and/or death of an older child. Evaluations of the workshop by the participants
demonstrate that this experience was helpful relative to their feelings of grief, and they were
hopeful that the effects would remain with them by using the tools provided to continue with the
Compassion Practice.
Dedicated to the memory of
Nick Fowler
1991-2015
CONTENTS

Introduction 1

Chapter 1. Grief 6
Introduction 6
Grief in General 6
Grief Following the Death of a Child 14
Suicide Survivor Grief 24
Religion and Grief 34
Grief Therapy 39
Non-Therapy Care for the Bereaved 53
Conclusion 57

Chapter 2. Compassion Practice and the Internal Family Systems Model of Therapy 62
Introduction 62
Internal Family Systems 63
Compassion Practice 74
Neuroscience 90
Conclusion 98

Chapter 3. Method 104
Introduction 104
Hypothesis 104
Research Design 105
Design of Event Created for Bereaved Parents 107
The Workshop 109
Participants 113
Evaluation 114
Scope and Limitations 114

Chapter 4. Results 116
Introduction 116
Participants 116
Participant Workshop Experience 122
Conclusion 152

Chapter 5. Analysis 158
Introduction 158
Phenomenological Experience of the Death of a Child 158
Workshop Experience 164
Workshop Structure 168
Interpretation 170
Limitations and Delimitations 173
Summary 173
vi
Chapter 6. Conclusion 175
Introduction 175
Efficacy of Workshop 175
Future Possibilities 178

Appendix A: Informed Consent 181

Appendix B: Workshop 184

Appendix C: Handouts 210

Appendix D: Meditations 213
“Meditation for Receiving Kindness and Compassion” 213
“The Sacred Moment Meditation” 214
“A Welcoming Presence Meditation” 215
“The Compassion Practice with a Difficult Emotion” 216
“Understanding the Cry of a Difficult Emotion” 217
“Understanding the Cry of a Loved One” 218
“The Compassion Practice with a Difficult Other” 220
“The Compassion Practice with a Compassionate Action” 222
“The Guest House” 224
Appendix E: Evaluation 225

BIBLIOGRAPHY 237

Tables
Table 1. Descriptions of Participants and Their Experiences of Loss 121
Table 2. Summary of Participant Evaluations 125
Table 3. Effects Reported by Participants 152

vii
Introduction

“The loss of a child is a terrible thing.
Unthinkable, unbelievable, and heartbreaking.
Devastating, shocking, and crushing. Paralyzing,
shattering, and traumatic. These are a few of the
words grieving parents have shared with me.
Whatever words we choose, they all fall far short of
the reality.
How do we survive this? Can We?”1
Gary Roe

“Compassion is simply being moved in our depths
by another’s experience and responding in ways
that intend either to ease the suffering or to promote
the flourishing within that person.”2
Frank Rogers, Jr.

“The power that stills these storms within is
compassion, compassion turned inward. Self-
compassion is the secret to interior freedom and
personal restoration.”3
Frank Rogers, Jr.

The loss of any loved one is difficult, but the death of a child is particularly tragic for
those left to live with their loss. No matter how much a death might be expected, the parents are
ill-prepared to deal with the vast range of internal reactions when a child dies: physical,
emotional, mental, and spiritual. That was certainly true for me when I my son died in 2015. I
felt all of the words in the above quote by Roe, and more. Bereaved parents desperately seek
ways that might help to reduce the pain. The purpose of this dissertation study is: to seek to
better understand the experience of grief, especially following the death of a child; to research
what is currently available for support and treatment for the bereaved; and to determine whether

1 Gary Roe, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child (Wellborn, TX: Healing Resources Publishing, 2017),
1.
2 Frank Rogers Jr., Practicing Compassion (Nashville: Upper Room Books, 2015), 23.
3 Ibid., 13.
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a new program can be created that will offer some form of relief for parents who have lost a
child. Although some therapy has shown promise for individuals, research shows no one
program of treatment or support that provides relief to the general population of bereaved
parents.
People seek relief in a variety of ways as evidenced by the number of grief books written
and sold. There are also numerous support groups available. For a variety of reasons that will be
presented and discussed throughout this dissertation, even with so many resources available,
many bereaved parents are still left wanting in terms of easing the deep emotional, physical,
mental, and spiritual effects that follow the loss of a child. My personal experience with some of
these resources for earlier losses – parents, divorce, job loss, pets, etc. – has found them mostly
to be less than satisfactory in giving me the relief I was seeking. When I my son died, I knew
where I needed to turn for what I most needed.
When Nick took his life, I had already completed the coursework for my Ph.D. in
spiritual formation at Claremont School of Theology. Through this, I had been introduced to the
Compassion Practice, a process for guiding individuals as they navigate through interior thoughts
and emotions in ways that provide opportunities for healing of wounds, even from years earlier,
and for enhancing compassion for self and for others. This program is presented by Frank
Rogers, Jr. in Practicing Compassion and Compassion in Practice: The Way of Jesus. Because
of the process of accessing compassion, especially for self, which incorporates concepts from the
Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy, this program has been found to be very
individualized. Prior to Nick’s death, I had personally benefitted from working with the
Compassion Practice for a variety of issues. Through the program’s process for self-compassion,
I have been able to identify and bring healing to deep inner wounds, such as feelings of
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