Table of Contents Praise Also by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC Title Page Dedication Introduction Chapter 1. - Mothering Mother as the tree of life Mommy is what we are made of Who can mother? The good-enough mother Good Mother messages What happens when Good Mother messages are absent? What does it mean to be undermothered? Chapter 2. - The Many Faces of the Good Mother Mother as Source Mother as Place of Attachment Mother as First Responder Mother as Modulator Mother as Nurturer Mother as Mirror Mother as Cheerleader Mother as Mentor Mother as Protector Mother as Home Base Chapter 3. - Attachment: Our First Foundation How do we become attached, and what is secure attachment? Why is attachment so important? How can I know if I was securely attached to my mother? What if I wasn’t securely attached? How would that look? What is attachment-related trauma? Maybe I wasn’t securely attached to my mother, but is it really fair to hold ... Can I still develop secure attachments if I’ve only partially done so in the ... Identifying attachment figures What is my attachment style? Can I have more than one style? Does my relationship with my mother really affect later relationships? How difficult is it to change attachment patterns? Chapter 4. - More Building Blocks Feeling safe and secure A happy home When things go wrong, they can be fixed! A sense of belonging The budding self A place to grow Support for being a child Touch Love is the medium, love is the message Chapter 5. - Mommy, Where Were You? The hole where Mother was supposed to be The need for Mother’s physical presence What happens when Mother is not emotionally present? Mutual standoff Thirty possible reasons Mother wasn’t there How a child interprets Mommy’s absence When Mother is the only one there Original Loss Chapter 6. - Voices of the Under mothered Who was that masked woman? Slim pickin’s from Mom Lack of mentoring Missed connections The mechanical mom Is anyone watching? Does anyone care? Clueless No place to go for help Feeling like a motherless child No mother, no self No anchor Common challenges of the undermothered What helps Chapter 7. - Healing Mother Wounds The cover-up Discovering the wound Reframing “defects” as deficits Working through your feelings Journaling The healing power of anger Leaving the past Chapter 8. - Psychotherapy: Mother Issues and Mothering Needs Parallels with the Good Mother Special considerations in attachment-oriented work Touch in therapy Re-mothering From isolation to secure attachment Therapist as “Teaching Mommy” Chapter 9. - Connecting with Good Mother Energy Opening to the Good Mother Archetypes Working with imagery and symbols Help from the Divine Mother Taking on the “good” of the Good Mother A second chance at finding a Good Mother Meeting mothering needs with partners Your portable Good Mother Chapter 10. - Inner Child Work An introduction to inner child work The child as mother to the self “Parts work” Becoming your own best mother Creating a safe place for the child Time together Working with Good Mother messages Healing the unloved child Changing your mind Chapter 11. - More Healing Steps and Practical Strategies Identifying specific “holes” Taking a proactive approach The hole of support Getting support now A sense of confidence Navigating the world of emotions A place in the web Showing up and being seen Embracing your needs Practicing good self-care Cultivating a capacity for intimacy Protecting what is precious Finding your power Stepping out of deprivation consciousness General tonics Chapter 12. - Changing the Story Your mother’s story Your story The dance between you How do I not pass this along to my children? What about Mother? Holding your process/holding your self Does healing ever end? Appendix - Be Kind to Yourself: Practicing Good Self-Care During Times of ... Notes Resources Acknowledgements Index About the Author Copyright Page Praise for The Emotionally Absent Mother “With compassion and sparkling clarity, Jasmin Lee Cori describes the effects of being undermothered and what it takes to overcome them. Her book will be of great value to new mothers serious about creating a loving environment for their children, adult sons and daughters who want at long last to fill the holes in their hearts, and clinicians interested in understanding and healing the mother wound.” —EVELY N BASSOFF, PHD, psychotherapist, author of Mothers and Daughters: Loving and Letting Go “This book is a revelation to those of us whose mothering was short of what we needed. The author sensitively and authoritatively weaves developmental principles into a compassionate understanding of what it means to be undermothered.” —CONNIE DAWSON, PHD, coauthor of Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children “Jasmin Lee Cori has done a superb job of describing the importance of childhood attachment needs and the psychological wounds that get inflicted when an emotionally absent mother cannot meet those needs well enough. She has skillfully laid out clear steps wounded adults can take to identify their inner strengths and heal attachment wounds. I wholeheartedly recommend this book for anyone who wishes to understand and heal the wounds that can arise when parented by an emotionally absent mother.” —SHIRLEY JEAN SCHMIDT, MA, LPC, author of The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy: An Ego State Therapy for Healing Adults with Childhood Trauma and Attachment Wounds BECAUSE EVERY BOOK IS A TEST OF NEW IDEAS “With a compassionate and steady voice, Jasmin Lee Cori guides the reader through the difficult terrain faced by adults who have grown up without sufficient emotional mothering. Relying on personal experience and practice as a psychotherapist, she provides insight and tools to help readers overcome the challenges of a painful childhood and to move into the pleasures of living adult life fully.” —KATHRYN BLACK, MA, psychotherapist, author of Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within “This book effortlessly intertwines neuroscience with clinical acumen in a lovely work of extraordinary depth. In her compelling, heartrending analysis of the importance of motherhood, Jasmin Lee Cori has created a work as significant as Alice Miller’s Prisoners of Childhood. Easily accessible and very useful, it is a must-read for parents-to-be, those in the helping professions, and adults who have been wounded by a negligent parent.” —KATE CROWLEY, OTD, OTR/L, Adjunct Faculty, University of Southern California, Specialist in Infant Mental Health