“Living and Loving after Betrayal offers a strong rope out of the quick- sand of misery and despair that couples sink into after a betrayal. Stosny’s guide to healing the heartache of betrayal is the most helpful I have seen in twenty-five years of clinical practice.” —Ronald J. Coughlin, EdD, licensed psychologist with twenty-five years in full-time private practice “Since a pain-free life isn’t possible, we need to understand and follow the wisdom provided in Living and Loving after Betrayal. Stosny, one of today’s most highly respected relationship experts, understands how to grow and have a more satisfying life after being deeply hurt by others. This is a deceptively simple tool kit for effectively handling the full range of relationship disappointments and heartaches.” —Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, distinguished professor in the Division of Psychology & Counseling, Governors State University “This is a remarkably wise and compassionate guide to healing from intimate betrayal. It will help you recover the best of yourself rather than remain stuck in anger or anxiety. I will ask my clients to read this book and I will give it to loved ones who are on a healing journey.” —William J. Doherty, PhD, professor and director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage. “Stosny has broken new ground for individuals moving forward from any type of betrayal or violation of the intimate bonds of relation- ships. He takes the reader beyond hurt, even beyond healing, into the area of personal mastery by way of compassion. This book is a must read for anyone who has felt the pain and disappointment of a once- trusted relationship.” —Pat Love, EdD, coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It and Never Be Lonely Again “This excellent book addresses an often-overlooked aspect of healing from betrayal, and that is self-healing. When people get hurt, their attention usually turns to the perpetrator of the hurt—one’s part- ner. But part of the real work that needs to be done is on one’s self.  “If you have felt the devastating effects of betrayal, this must-read book will help restore your inner resilience and faith in yourself so you can get through the difficult periods and thrive beyond them. Stosny’s workbook-like exercises help you apply what you’re learning to your own unique situation. You’ll feel like you have a personal coach guid- ing you to better times!” —Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage L i v i n g & L o v i n g after B e t r a y a L How to Heal fom Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment Steven StoSny, PhD New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2013 by S teven Stosny New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Melissa Kirk Edited by Susan LaCroix All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Stosny, Steven. Living and loving after betrayal : how to heal from emotional abuse, deceit, infidel- ity, and chronic resentment / Steven Stosny, PhD. pages cm Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-60882-752-7 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-753-4 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-754-1 (epub) 1. Trust. 2. Betrayal. 3. Intimacy (Psychology) 4. Interpersonal conflict. 5. Interpersonal relations. 6. Couples-- Psychology. I. Title. BF575.T7S76 2013 158.2--dc23 2013011797 To my thousands of clients who have shown the awesome courage to heal and grow from the depths of relationship betrayal. And, as always, to my mother, who overcame every form of intimate betrayal to become a compassionate, loving, and powerful person. Contents Introduction 1 Part I The Start of Healing and Empowerment 1 Fotprints on the Heart and Soul 7 2 How to Use the Natural Motivation of Pain to Heal 19 3 How to Develop a Healing Identity 29 4 H ow to Use Restorative Images to Heal Painful Memories 45 Part II Retraining the Recovering Heart 5 The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value 57 6 G etting to Core Value under Pressure: Your Core Value Bank 75 7 Intimate Betrayal and Post-Traumatic Stress 89 8 H ow to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into Self-Compasion 101 9 Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust 113 Living and Loving after Betrayal Part III Loving Again 10 Teh aP t h to iW se rT uts 135 11 oH w to Kno w If oY r’u e Dating a tuF ure Betrayer 149 12 Intiam cy and teh unH gry eH art 159 Part IV Rebuilding a Betrayed Relationship 13 Reubilding a Relationhsi p wit h oY ur Betrayer 177 14 Teh Coapm is onate Reap ir rP oec s 193 15 Teh Reoc nnection Dilemam 211 ipE logeu : eH aling , Reap ir , oF rgivenes 227 Referenec s 233 vi Introduction If you have felt betrayed by a lover in a committed relationship, you know all too well that intimate betrayal is a pain unlike any other, striking at the core of our capacity to trust and love. This extraordi- narily harsh and lingering pain almost invariably overflows into other areas of life. Work efficiency plummets for most who suffer its sting. Some feel unable to resume their normal level of caring behavior in any relationship, including those with friends, parents, and children. Many are left feeling unworthy of love. Most endure long periods of dull ache or depressed mood, punctuated by torrents of anger, shame, guilt, anxiety, resentment, and grief. The destructive force and lasting effects of intimate betrayal come from its violation of the implicit promise that gives us the courage to love in the first place: the promise that no matter what happens, the person you love and trust will care about your well-being and never intentionally hurt you. These two key elements classify the types of intimate betrayal. Behaviors that intentionally hurt include most emotional abuse, verbal aggression, and domestic violence. Failure to care about your