ZOO Magazine - December 2014 UK

68 Pages·2016·19.42 MB·English

by  Various

WHAT'S INSIDE

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7 WHAT WE'VE BEEN UP TO!
rae.”

Marked the rele
on DVD by dressing up
and Jenko -even though 1
wasn't actually cut,

Received this Caesar head ©
celebrate Dawn OF The Planet
OF The Apes coming out on
Blu-ray. We think it suited us.

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7200'S GUIDE TO ALL ¥ POW, WATCH, BUY & LAUGH AT THIS WEEK!

ABSOLUTELY
MECK-NIFICENT!

Stunning Essex babe Lucy Mecklenburgh peels off for
her most revealing shoot ever - then reveals she’s
ditching TOWIE for good. The Lord giveth...

lopped in
tracks admiring

Pp ved by th se naughty new
pictures of the booby brunette.

e. Just think,
tractive

@© www .zo0r008c0n
ere
Lucy comes in 200’S
Saxiast Girls or 2014

ww. oon @
Quitting stand-up at the end of his sell-out tour. Here are the highlights of his last show

On petrol stations

Do you ever use those plastic
gloves by the pumps at petrol
stations? You're standing at
the overnight garage with
one of those rubber gloves on
your hand, trying to get the
cashier’s attention. Suddenly
you look like Michael Jackson
filling up his car.

On addictions

Itried to give up nicotine by
smoking those electronic
cigarettes. Now I’m addicted

On flying

Flying’s getting worse. It’s not
the planes, it’s the airports.
They take everything away
from you now at airport
security: perfumes, creams,

drinks... No fluid on the plane
whatsoever. Why? Terrorists
totry and smuggle
onto a plane, not
acan of your wife’s LOreal
hairspray. There’s some mad
terrorist bloke somewhere
going, “Iwas in Abu
Ghraib for 20 years.
Because Im
™® 9 worth it”

© www.200100%%c0n

On safety first
Everything's about safety now.
When you put your kid in the
car, it has to go in one of those
baby carriers, and you've got
the seat backwards
because it’s safer. Ifit’s safer,
why don't we all sit backwards
and reverse everywhere?

On vampires

Youngsters are in

Pee albetuté They love the
Twilight movies about these
pasty-faced teenagers who

else but sleep during the
day. Apparently, they're also
really popular with students.

Have you been ona bus
lately? They've got the driver
behind this big bit of Perspex
with holes drilled in it sohe
can breathe. It’s the same at
the Sea Life Centre with all
those fish behind the
glass. They don’t like
you fishing in there,
do they?

" On housework

Have you ever bought a.
Dyson? They’re brilliant at
gathering dust. You use it once,
put it in the corner,
then after a month,
it’s covered in it!

=

rs
i)
\e

i

On the police

‘What is it with police sirens

these days? They used to be

just two notes. Now they
sound like your nan when
she’s been given bad news.

They say men have a better
chance of meeting a woman
if they have a dog. Where’s
the romance? You're down
the park, picking up a
steaming turd. “I see your
dog's done a huge one.
Let me get that for you..”

On eBooks
What's so good about
Kindles? It’s a book behind a
piece of glass. When you were
akid, your mum didn't read
youa book from outside

the bedroom
window,

did she?

On birds

Tlove pelicans,
because they’ve got
those bags for life
under their chin,

Have you ever had your wife
nicking chips off your plate?
She'll say at the end of the
meal, “Do you think those
chips are fattening?” “Not
for me, they ain’t.I didn’t
f**king have any!”

On road safety

It’s getting slower to drive
everywhere now, especially
since the council keeps
putting speed bumps
everywhere. You and your
are driving up one of the
roads, and suddenly you look
like members of JLS doing

one of their routines.

on train travel

y're spending billions on
Eee speed trains and f**k
all on high-speed staffto
go on them. You're going
200mph, while the guy
serving your tea is
going back in time.
“Sorry your tea’s
cold. It’s not from
this millennia”

wil
My phone will ring at 2am and
my wife will look at me and go,
“Who's that calling at this
time?” I'll say, “I don’t know. If
Iknew that, we wouldn't need
the bloody phone.”

Your wife can come up with
some mad suggestions, like,
“Let’s have a bath
together. It'll be just
like in the films.”
But it ain't, is it?
Because women like
to have their bath,
water so f**king hot.
Have you seen a woman get
out of the bath? It’s like they're
wearing a low-cut scald! Even
alobster would go, “F**kcthat!”

I don’t understand the
snooze button on. =.
alarms. It’s like, “T've
justhadalongrest- ~‘w
Ideserve a nap.”

I went to see my doctor

because I couldn't sleep and

he said, “It’s three in the

morning - f**k off!” |

Itried water polo and my
horse drowned —it was a
nightmare.

a 2 Tbought a packet of peanuts,
way and on the packet it said, “May
| yey 9 contain nuts”. Well, f**king
\ Pa yes! That's what I bought the
zs % lee buggers for! You'd be p'ssed
Evans’ DVD off ifyou opened itand
He Monsters . asocket set fell out.

\ Ea isoutnow
ww. COM 7
Ken Block takes his legendary racing show to the City Of FAngels to
film incredible new stunt driving masterclass

he chances are, if
you've been readii
ZOO for some

you'll now honorary ZOO
man and driving legend
Ken Block is one of our
favourite viral stars.
Forthe uninitiated, it’s
about time you logged on
to YouTube. Because the
latest instalment of his
Gymkhana series whieh
surfaced last week - has
topped the lot. Police shut
down intersections and
famous landmarks in LA

city, which

included a drift turn under
abouneing lowrider.

What's more, Block
unveiled a fully-customised
1965 all-wheel drive V8
Ford Mustang notchback
for the job—nicknamed
“The Hoonicorn”.

“P'vedone Gymkhana in
quitéa few cars but this is
hands-down the best I've
ever driven,” Bloektold
ZOO. “It’s completely
insane when I see footage
of thiscar being chained
fo awall and doing an
all-wheel drive burnout.”

Which -unless you're
Lewis Hamilton = will
make your efforts to get
through rush hour traffic
in a1.2-litre runaround feel
a :
FRONT

Itwas nearly game over for this
caught the eye
ofa hungry croc in Lake Pat
at Kruger National Parkin
South Africa

‘The phrase “crocodile

crcheneay reacts ee
ability to sprint away from myth crocodiles cry
impending danger—was nearly whenever they eat
snapped up whole, but it was a humans. Infact, their
case of the croc taking on more eyes froth after
thanit could chew. eating anything

Much to the dismay ofthe
cold-blooded predator, the
terrapin was slightly too big to
be gobbled upin one sitting,
gotomeke a, er,

‘WORDS: chice Foreman

Pies eaters ows

Much like you,
Vm Finding this
hard 10 swallow

This terrapin finally comes out of his shell...
and nearly pays the ultimate price