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Zombies for Zombies: Advice and Etiquette for the Living Dead PDF

274 Pages·2009·4.18 MB·English
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The World’s Bestselling Program for the Recently Bitten ADVICE AND ETIQUETTE FOR THE LIVING DEAD By Your Host David P. Murphy Illustrations by Daniel Heard Copyright © 2009 by David P. Murphy Cover and internal design © 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover design by Daniel Heard Cover illustrations and internal illustrations © 2009 by Daniel Heard Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Murphy, David P. Zombies for zombies : advice and etiquette for the living dead / David P. Murphy. p. cm. 1. Zombies—Humor. I. Title. PN6231.Z65M87 2009 814’.6--dc22 2009013968 Printed and bound in the United States of America. CHG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 TabLe of conTenTs Acknowledgments .............................................................................v Foreword by Dr. Kenneth Beaker ......................................................ix Introduction ...................................................................................xiii Chapter 1. Who Moved My Brains?: The Provo Virus and YOU! .....................................................................................1 Chapter 2. The 14 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies: Etiquette and Behavior .................................................................27 Chapter 3. The Courage to Medicate: Your Pharmaceutical Options ..............................................................43 Interlude: Tales from the Horde: Terror at Lake Romney ....................57 Chapter 4. You Are Who You Eat ....................................................67 Chapter 5. ReBoot Camp: Exercise and YOU ...................................83 Chapter 6. You CAN Heal Your Post-Life: Care and Grooming .........97 Interlude: Welcome to Scarlet Shores! ............................................108 Chapter 7. Change Your Clothes, Change Your Post-Life: America’s Next Top Zombie ......................................................113 Chapter 8. The Koma Sutra: Wake Up Your Sex Life! .....................127 Chapter 9. What Color Is Your Unitard?: The Dead Can Kinda Dance! ............................................................................145 Interlude: Tales from the Horde: Black Meat ....................................159 Chapter 10. Tao Te Cha-Ching!: A Wealth of Spirituality in the Post-Life...........................................................................167 Chapter 11. The Road Less Shambled: Get On With the Future ......179 Chapter 12. Brain Soup for the Soul: Gut-Warming Tales of Success ..................................................................................197 Post Mortem .................................................................................209 Appendix A: Recipes! ....................................................................217 Appendix B: Recommended Viewing ..............................................229 Appendix C: Nonrecommended Viewing ........................................235 About the Author ..........................................................................241 About the Illustrator ......................................................................243 acknowLeDgmenTs To Mom and Dad: for always allowing me to be my goofball self. To Bill and Bethie: for teaching me how to make fun of the world. To Cindy and Dylan: for any number of perfectly good, loving reasons. Daniel Heard: my eternal thanks. You truly helped bring this book to, uhhhhhh, life. You’re an amazing talent and a helluva co-host! Laurie Fox: more gratitude than you’ll ever know. I wouldn’t have had this opportunity if not for your belief and tenacity. You’re a peach of the highest order, a true inspiration and friend. Thanks also go to Linda and Gary at the Linda Chester Agency. Peter Lynch: thank you so much for a smooth and completely pain-free experience. Your enthusiasm for this project has meant a lot to me (but concerns me nonetheless). And thanks to Carrie and everyone else at Sourcebooks for all of their efforts. Dr. Theodore Anfinson: so very kind of you to help in the medical realm. You’re as astute, brilliant, and hilarious as ever. To my friends, for their support and comic abuse over the years: Henry, Pat and the kids, Curt and Meg, Mitchel and Marisol, Scott and Donna, Tom and Heather, Queenie, BobbaGutz, Joannie, Sheila, Charlotte and John, Faye, Peter and Pamela, Anita, Rhonda and Rick, NenaGutz, Samarama, Barb and John, Waggs, Julia, Dee, Justin Heard, Wingy, Tony M., Jenn Dorn, Scottie, Keifsk, the Milone tribe, MichaelGutz, Marla, Frances, Karyl, Kerry, Casey, Michael and Jennifer, the Great Ether, Gung, Diane, the Morins, and everyone else who ever bought into my hairbrained schemes. And, of course, to every zombie and post-lifer everywhere: this world is a little more beautiful and a lot more sluggish with you in it. Mmmmmmwah! All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They. —Rudyard Kipling I said to a bartender, “Make me a zombie.” He said, “God beat me to it.” —Rodney Dangerfield foreworD by Dr. kenneTh beaker I’ve been told there’s a recommendation of some sort regarding the reader getting through this book in roughly seventy-two hours. So perhaps it would be best for all concerned if I make my comments as brief as possible. This does not, however, indicate any lack of appreciation on my part for ZOMBIES FOR ZOMBIES™; the book and program have been, shall we say, rewarding.

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So, you've been bitten by a zombie? Bummer. But there's no need to panic! Yes, your life will be undergoing a major transformation, but this doesn't have to be the end-all it once was when the Disaster first hit. There have been significant breakthroughs in the last decade in helping you keep signif
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