Zombie Tits, Astronaut Fish and Other Weird Animals

273 Pages·2013·4.788 MB·English

by  Becky Crew

Zombie Tits,
Astronaut Fish

and Other Weird Animals
Becky crew grew up in the Blue Mountains of New South
Wales with, variously, a dog, cats, rabbits, quails, rats, a
homing pigeon and some mice she hid from her parents.
She hated science in school, eschewing cells, ribosomes
and chemical equations to study classical and near east-
ern archaeology at the University of Sydney, paying the
bills by working in the finance sector. The machinations
of the finance world failed to satisfy her innate fascination
with animals, so she started the blog Running Ponies as a
creative outlet with her friend Sara. Running Ponies led to
Becky being named Australian Science Blogger of the Year
in 2010. Becky’s enthusiasm for science writing led to her
next role as Online Editor at Australian science magazine
COSMOS. Becky has appeared on national Australian radio
to discuss the best, worst and weirdest the animal world
has to offer, has spoken at various conferences, has had
Running Ponies invited into the Scientific American Blog Net-
work, and has battled intense desires for naps and snacks
to release this, her first book. Although she is content with
her tuxedo-wearing cat Bailey and oversized sea snails, her
dream is to one day have her very own seagull – the most
smartly dressed of all the sea birds.
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Zombie Tits,
Astronaut Fish
and Other Weird Animals
Becky Crew
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To Alex
For making me tough when I was tired
and brave when I was scared. You give me butterflies.
A NewSouth book
Published by
NewSouth Publishing
University of New South Wales Press Ltd
University of New South Wales
Sydney NSW 2052
AUSTRALIA
newsouthpublishing.com
© Becky Crew 2012
First published 2012
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
This book is copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purpose of private study,
research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part of this
book may be reproduced by any process without written permission. Inquiries should
be addressed to the publisher.
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry
Author: Crew, Rebecca.
Title: Zombie tits, astronaut fish and other weird animals/Rebecca (Becky) Crew.
ISBN: 9781742233215 (pbk)
9781742241159 (epub)
9781742243726 (Kindle)
9781742246048 (epdf)
Subjects: Animals — Humor.
Animals — Identification.
Natural history.
Zoology — Miscellanea.
Dewey Number: 591.7
Design Josephine Pajor-Markus
Cover design Xou Creative
Cover images Thinkstock; Paul K, www.flickr.com/photos/bibliodyssey
Illustrations Di Quick
Printer Griffin Press
This book is printed on paper using fibre supplied from plantation or sustainably
managed forests.
This project has been assisted by the Australian Government through the Australia
Council for the Arts, its arts funding and advisory body.
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Contents
Animals Anonymous 1
Part One: Hunters 5
The most powerful punch on Earth? 6
A mouse in wolf’s clothing 14
Birds coming for your brains … 19
The sock-loving vampire spider 22
A slime-wielding predator 30
The spider-eating spider 34
A mind-controlling parasite 39
Isopod got your tongue? 42
The master deceiver 45
Killer cone snail 49
The mystery of the sawfish’s saw 54
Part Two: Lovers and fighters 61
All-female lizard tribe 62
The loudest penis on Earth 67
Battle of the genitals 71
The impossible mates 76
Don’t trust them with your offspring 80
Your mother wants you to eat her 84
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Fruit bat fellatio 88
It’s time to become gonads 92
Sexy monkeys bathe in urine 99
Secret boys’ club 103
A love affair with beer gone wrong 109
Won’t rat you out for chocolate 114
Part Three: Ancient creatures 118
The largest feathered animal ever 119
A venomous dinosaur? 123
What’s that on your face? 128
King of the rabbits 131
Microraptor shows its true colours 135
Night vision for hunters 140
Horses the size of house cats 144
Part Four: Prey 147
Cliff-diving toad 148
Transformer butterflies 153
Don’t get angry: vomit 157
Poison blood-spitting eyes 161
Will rib you to death 165
Playing dead pros 170
Underwater mousedeer 175
A poisonous pelt 179
vi
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What big eyes you have! 183
Wolverine frog 188
Bomb-dropping worm 193
The toxic songbird 197
Part Five: Odd bodies 202
A (mostly) vegetarian spider 203
The strangest mammal in the world 206
Flying buttocks 212
The elusive stick giant 217
At home in someone else’s anus 223
Houdini with an inflatable head 229
The toughest fish in outer space 234
Sunken spider’s bubble web 243
Bibliography 248
Alphabetical list of animals 259
vii
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Animals Anonymous
I was standing in the most exquisite living room I had
ever seen, disguised in a bear costume that was chafing the
hell out of my left thigh. I had been commissioned by an
editor acquaintance of mine to report on a rapidly emerg-
ing phenomenon known as Animals Anonymous, which, if
the rumours were to be believed, was like the most neurotic
menagerie ever assembled.
I was instructed to head to the public pool for my first
meeting if I was of the aquatic persuasion. I said, ‘Actually,
I’m a bear,’ so was given directions to the home of a very well
respected Spanish ribbed newt.
The newt had made himself a tidy fortune as a ven-
ture capitalist before retiring to a newly acquired Beaux-Arts
mansion in the leafy part of town. I only ever saw his living
room, complete with walls inlaid with mother-of-pearl, rich
antique walnut furniture and ceiling-to-floor drapes embroi-
dered with 22-carat gold, but it’s safe to say this newt is
very good at buying houses. Which is fortunate, because all
bug-eyed and greyish-skinned, he wasn’t the most attractive
amphibian I’d come across.
‘Take a seat, we’re about to begin,’ he told me.
I sank into the nearest armchair, and if beleaguered
thighs could breathe a sigh of relief, my left one did, and
poured itself a glass of red.
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