You Can Choose To Be Happy: "Rise Above" Anxiety, Anger, and Depression

323 Pages·2010·0.61 MB·English

by  Tom G. Stevens PhD

You Can
Choose To Be Happy:

“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression

with Research Evidence

Tom G. Stevens PhD

Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY:
―Rise Above‖ Anxiety, Anger, and Depression
With Research Evidence

Tom G. Stevens PhD

Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.
Palm Desert, California 92260

Revised (Second) Edition, 2010
First Edition, 1998; Printings, 2000, 2002.

Copyright © 2010 by Tom G. Stevens PhD. All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews; or except as provided by U. S.
copyright law. For more information address Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co.
The cases mentioned herein are real, but key details were changed to protect
identity. This book provides general information about complex issues and is not a
substitute for professional help. Anyone needing help for serious problems should see a
qualified professional.
Printed on acid-free paper.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stevens, Tom G., Ph.D. 1942-
You can choose to be happy: rise above anxiety, anger, and depression./
Tom G. Stevens Ph.D. –2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-9653377-2-4

1. Happiness. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.

BF575.H27 S84 2010 (pbk.)
158-dc22

Library of Congress Control Number: 2009943621
CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION: ...................................................................................................................... 8
Chapter 1: OUR SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION .............. 12
MY OWN QUEST FOR HAPPINESS ..........................................................................................13
MASLOW'S CLASSIC STUDY OF SELF-ACTUALIZING PEOPLE ................................................14
MASLOW'S METAVALUES (or "Being" values).............................................................................16
MOVING TO HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS AND GROUPS ...............................................17
EXTERNALLY-CENTERED (EC) VERSUS INTERNALLY-CENTERED (IC) VALUES .........................19
WHAT IF WE MAKE HAPPINESS A CONSCIOUS ULTIMATE CONCERN?...............................20
WHAT‘S WRONG WITH MAKING HAPPINESS A TOP GOAL? ...............................................21
A NEW UNDERSTANDING FOR SOME COMMON TERMS ....................................................26
LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF........................................28
SEEKING THE TRUTH FROM MANY PERSPECTIVES ................................................................28
RESULTS OF RESEARCH TESTING THIS BOOK‘S IDEAS ..........................................................29
CHOOSE TO LEARN AND BE HAPPY WHILE READING THIS BOOK ....................................31
THE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY SELF-DEVELOPMENT PLAN .....................................32
Chapter 2: WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY: ....................................................... 36
DO YOUR EMOTIONS SEEM TO HAVE A "MIND OF THEIR OWN"? .....................................36
WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NOW ..................................................................................36
EMOTIONS ARE CONTROLLED MORE BY THOUGHTS THAN BY EXTERNAL EVENTS ........37
RESTATE "HELPLESSNESS" LANGUAGE INTO "CHOICE" LANGUAGE .....................................39
WE HAVE MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS--We are never helpless .........................................40
EXTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS .........................................................................................41
INTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS .........................................................................................43
LIFE AS A JOURNEY WITH MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS ...................................................45
NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES .........................................................45
HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING AND HAPPINESS .................................................................46
SELF-EXPLORATION AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS ...........................................................48
HOW I USE SELF-EXPLORATION AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS ......................................50
Chapter 3: DEVELOP YOUR HIGHER SELF: ........................................................... 63
PERSONALITY CHANGE CAN BE SUDDEN, DRAMATIC, AND ENDURING ..........................63
HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE RADICAL PERSONAL OR LIFE STYLE CHANGES? ..........................64
REASON AND EMOTION AS DECISION GUIDES ....................................................................65
GIVING OUT OF UNSELFISH CARING INSTEAD OF OBLIGATION .......................................68
THE POWER OF THE HIGHER SELF DEPENDS ON………………………………………….. 70
UNPRODUCTIVE BELIEF SYSTEMS--They devalue health and happiness .................................71
GOAL OF HIGHER SELF IS HARMONY AMONG ALL MIND-BODY SYSTEMS .......................73
LIFE AND BODY AFFIRMING BELIEFS--How do we know what to believe? ............................73
ELEGANT BELIEFS--BOTH COMPREHENSIVE AND SIMPLE ....................................................74
AN INNER GROWING FORCE ..................................................................................................77
THE PROCESS OF INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION………………………………….……… 77
REPLACE OLD BELIEFS WITH MORE FUNCTIONAL HIGHER SELF BELIEFS ..........................81
THE SOURCE OF MY NEW IDENTITY ......................................................................................82
SELF-ACTUALIZATION--THE RESULT OF A STRONG HIGHER SELF .......................................83
LIST YOUR TOP BELIEFS TO GIVE YOUR HIGHER SELF MORE POWER ................................84
4 / Dr. Tom G. Stevens
Chapter 4: CREATE A POSITIVE WORLD
BY ADOPTING A POSITIVE WORLD VIEW ....................................................... 88
WE CAN NEVER KNOW THE REAL EXTERNAL WORLD--ONLY OUR PERCEPTIONS........... 88
OUR TRUE REALITY IS OUR INNER WORLD--NOT THE EXTERNAL WORLD ...................... 88
OUR IDEAL WORLD versus REALITY: How can we be happy in an imperfect world? ............. 97
THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF REACTIONS ..................................................................... 97
ACCEPTING THE "UNACCEPTABLE"--Such as Pain, Cruelty, and Death ................................... 98
WE CAN CHOOSE HOW WE WILL REACT TO DAILY NEGATIVE EVENTS .......................... 101
HOW CAN WE BE BOTH CARING AND HAPPY WHEN OTHERS ARE SUFFERING? .......... 101
IS CHOOSING TO THINK POSITIVELY BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF? ............................. 102
TURNING THE TIDE OF THOUSANDS OF THOUGHTS ...................................................... 112
Chapter 5: DEVELOP GREATER SELF-WORTH AND SELF-CONFIDENCE ............. 115
OUR SELF VIEWS HAVE POWER (including their own inertia) ............................................... 115
WHAT IS SELF-WORTH? ......................................................................................................... 118
HOW DO WE GET UNCONDITIONAL SELF-LOVE? ............................................................. 118
LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF ..................................... 120
WHAT DOES "SELF-IMAGE" MEAN? ....................................................................................... 120
SELF-ACCEPTANCE IS A PREREQUISITE FOR SELF-LOVE AND SELF-WORTH...................... 121
ACCEPTING OUR BODIES AND OUR BASIC CAPABILITIES IMPROVES SELF-WORTH ...... 121
YOUR SELF-IMAGE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR ACTUAL IMAGE ........................... 122
A PROCESS FOR ACCEPTING YOUR BODY AND APPEARANCE ......................................... 122
NEGATIVE SELF-BELIEFS GENERATE DYSFUNCTIONAL THOUGHTS AND HABITS............ 124
CREATE A POSITIVE, TRUTHFUL SELF-CONCEPT….………………………………………. 126
OUR SUBPARTS CAN UNDERMINE OUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ................................... 129
OUR SELF-CONCEPT AFFECTS OUR SELF-CONFIDENCE .................................................... 137
DEALING WITH PAST "FAILURES"--and low self-confidence .................................................. 138
SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS .................................................................................... 139
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN LIFE SKILLS, HAPPINESS, AND SUCCESS ................................... 139
SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS RESEARCH—AREA BY AREA ..................................... 142
ADDITIONAL FACTORS THAT INCREASE SELF-CONFIDENCE ............................................. 143
Chapter 6: THE TRANSITION FROM EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL CONTROL
OF YOUR LIFE ................................................................................................. 146
USING EXTERNAL versus INTERNAL EXPECTATIONS TO EVALUATE YOURSELF ................. 147
WHAT DO THEY WANT versus WHAT DO YOU WANT ..................................................... 148
APPROVAL AS A "MUST" versus APPROVAL AS A "BONUS" .................................................. 148
TRYING TO IMPRESS OTHERS versus FEELING GOOD ABOUT WHO YOU ARE ................ 150
TRYING TO BE POPULAR versus TAKING GOOD CARE ...................................................... 153
BEING TERRIFIED OF DISAPPROVAL versus ACCEPTING DISAPPROVAL ............................ 153
LETTING OTHERS MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU versus MAKING THEM YOURSELF ........... 154
LETTING NEEDY OTHERS DOMINATE YOU ......................................................................... 156
LETTING OTHERS TAKE CARE OF YOU versus TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF ...................... 160
"I SHOULD" versus "I WANT" .................................................................................................. 161
THREE-WAY CONFLICTS: EXTERNAL PEOPLE, INTERNALIZED PEOPLE, AND ME ............ 164
SOCIETY AND THE MEDIA ..................................................................................................... 164
REFERENCE GROUPS ............................................................................................................. 164
BELIEFS SWALLOWED WHOLE (without critical examination and modification) ................... 166
EVEN COMPLIMENTS AND SUPPORT CAN FOSTER DEPENDENCE ................................... 166
YOUR BASIC PSYCHOBIOLOGICAL NEEDS .......................................................................... 167
YOUR HIGHER SELF ............................................................................................................... 168
YOUR OTHER SUBPARTS (roles, interests, knowledge areas, etc.) .......................................... 169
SUMMARY OF INTERNAL BARRIERS TO INTERNAL CONTROL .......................................... 169
COPE WITH INTERNALIZED PARENT CONTROL STATEMENTS .......................................... 171
5 / CONTENTS
REPLACE AVOIDANCE, EXCUSES, AND "SHOULDS" WITH CHOICES ................................ 171
EXAMPLES CONTRASTING AN EXCUSE WITH A CONSCIOUS CHOICE ............................ 172
REMIND YOURSELF OF EXTERNAL CONTROL CONSEQUENCES ...................................... 173
BECOME AWARE OF AUTOMATIC NONASSERTIVENESS ................................................... 174
MONITOR EXTERNAL CONTROL FOCUS versus INTERNAL CONTROL FOCUS ............... 175
HIDDEN MESSAGES, MANIPULATION, AND GAMES PEOPLE PLAY ................................... 176
DEVELOP INTERPERSONAL SKILLS TO GET MORE INTERNAL CONTROL ......................... 176
SPEND YOUR TIME IN HEALTHY SOCIAL ENVIRONMENTS ............................................... 178
SET BOUNDARIES OF RESPONSIBILITY AND CONTROL .................................................... 179
Chapter 7: HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING CREATES PEAK LEARNING,
PERFORMANCE, AND HAPPINESS ................................................................... 181
PEAK FUNCTIONING OF OUR MIND AND BODY .............................................................. 181
OVERSTIMULATION— Too much challenge causes confusion and anxiety ........................... 183
UNDERSTIMULATION— Too little challenge causes boredom and depression ..................... 183
HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING IS OUR MOST BASIC DRIVING FORCE ........................... 184
1. OPTIMAL LEARNING AS THE BASIS OF HAPPINESS--Dr. George Kelly............................ 184
2. OPTIMAL STIMULATION AS A BASIC HUMAN MOTIVE—Dr. Donald Berlyne ............... 185
3. OPTIMAL CHALLENGE CAUSES THE FLOW EXPERIENCE--Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi . 185
4. ADAPTIVE RESONANCE IN NEURAL NETWORKS--Dr. Stephen Grossberg ..................... 187
HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING DRIVES LIKING UP ............................................................ 189
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN INTEREST, LEARNING, AND MEMORY .............. 190
HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING CAN INCREASE OUR SELF-ESTEEM ................................. 193
PROLONGED HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING IMPROVES PHYSICAL HEALTH ................ 194
THE HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING MODEL EXPLAINS OUR EMOTIONS ....................... 195
HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING INCREASES VALUING ....................................................... 200
WE CAN GET MENTAL CONTROL OF HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING AND EMOTIONS 200
Chapter 8: "RISE ABOVE" ANXIETY, ANGER, AND DEPRESSION ......................... 201
THE MAGIC OF MENTAL CONTROL .................................................................................... 201
Mental Control Strategy 1: CHOICE of Episode: Replace it or Convert it? .............................. 204
TO CREATE HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING REPLACE OR CONVERT ACTIVITIES .............. 204
REPLACE ACTIVITIES TO GET MORE IN THE ZONE .............................................................. 205
CONVERT ACTIVITIES TO GET MORE IN THE ZONE ............................................................ 206
Mental Control Strategy 2: HARMONY of Motives: Resolve conflicts to increase motivation .. 209
HARMONIOUS POSITIVE ANTICIPATION: Looking forward to the activity or outcome ....... 210
HARMONIOUS MOTIVATION versus CONFLICTED MOTIVATION ....................................... 210
SELF-EXPLORATION--THE FIRST STEP TO RISE ABOVE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS .................. 211
RESOLVING ONE INNER CONFLICT BRINGS HARMONY TO MANY SITUATIONS ........... 211
REPLACE "SHOULDS" WITH NEW CHOICES ........................................................................ 212
USE POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES TO INCREASE MOTIVATION ........................................... 213
Mental Control Strategy 3:UNDERSTANDING: ...................................................................... 215
Understand the situation and create a road map to success .................................................... 215
A ROAD MAP TO SUCCESS--How do we get what we want? ............................................... 216
EPISODE ANALYSIS CAN INCREASE OUR UNDERSTANDING AND SKILLS .......................... 216
PART OF OUR BRAIN AUTOMATICALLY DOES EPISODE ANALYSIS ................................... 219
UNDERSTANDING AT A HIGHER LEVEL--A MENTAL SAFETY NET ...................................... 219
Mental Control Strategy 4:GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS ....................................................... 221
OPTIMAL EXPECTATIONS INCREASE HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING ................................. 221
ADJUST CHALLENGE OF THE GOAL TO GET INTO THE ZONE........................................... 223
ADJUST THE LAPDS GOAL DIMENSIONS TO ADJUST AROUSAL ...................................... 225
FIVE GOAL CHANGE METHODS TO LOWER ANXIETY AND STRESS ................................. 225
MULTIPLE GOALS: Go for the Gold--be prepared for the worst ............................................. 232
OVERCOME UNDERAROUSAL EMOTIONS--DEPRESSION, GRIEF, APATHY ...................... 232
FACTORS THAT PREDISPOSE SOMEONE TO DEPRESSION. ............................................... 234
6 / Dr. Tom G. Stevens
SUMMARY--increase emotional arousal by increasing challenge and complexity .................... 238
Mental Control Strategy 5: OPTIMISM--You can be happy no matter what happens ............... 240
OPTIMISM BASED UPON OUR CONTROL OF OUTCOMES ................................................ 240
DEEP OPTIMISM BASED UPON TRUST IN BENEVOLENT FORCES ..................................... 243
Mental Control Strategy 6: FOCUS--Keep your eye on the ball to funnel your energy ............. 244
PROBLEM-FOCUS versus SOLUTION-FOCUS ....................................................................... 244
FOCUSING ON THE BALL CAN HELP US OVERCOME ANXIETY......................................... 245
FOCUS ON YOUR ULTIMATE CONCERN FOR CLEAR INNER DIRECTION ......................... 248
YOU CAN ACHIEVE MENTAL CONTROL OF YOUR EMOTIONS ........................................ 248
Chapter 9: CREATE A BETTER WORLD FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS ............... 253
FEELING IN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES versus FEELING HELPLESS ....................................... 253
CHANGING OUR ACTIONS AND ENVIRONMENTS TO FIND HAPPINESS ........................ 254
AUTOMATIC HABITS--Habits consume most of our time ....................................................... 254
BALANCE BETWEEN PARTS OF OURSELVES ......................................................................... 256
BALANCE BETWEEN PRESENT AND FUTURE SATISFACTION OF VALUES .......................... 256
TECHNIQUES FOR CLARIFYING IMPORTANT UNDERLYING VALUES ................................ 258
VALUES TEND TO LAST, BUT CAN BE CHANGED RADICALLY ............................................ 259
WE LIVE IN UNIQUE PERSONAL WORLDS .......................................................................... 261
CREATING A BETTER WORLD AS A GIFT OF LOVE--and a message to ourselves ................. 265
ACHIEVING EXCELLENCE CYCLE--Achieving distant dreams and goals .................................. 265
IT PAYS TO WORK TOWARD HIGH-RISK GOALS: We are part of a larger process ............... 268
THE O-PATSM SYSTEM: From Dreams and Values to Actions ................................................. 269
THE VALUES-EMOTIONS LINK: Get control of values to get control of emotions .................. 270
O-PATSM BRIDGES THE GAP BETWEEN VALUES AND ACTION ........................................ 270
RULES FOR SETTING PRIORITIES ........................................................................................... 271
YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH MORE AND HAVE MORE FUN! ................................................... 277
HURRY SICKNESS--TOO MUCH TO DO, TOO LITTLE TIME ................................................ 278
Chapter 10: SUCCESS and HAPPINESS ATTRIBUTES QUESTIONNAIRE (SHAQ)
RESEARCH and BOOK CONCLUSIONS ........................................................... 282

Appendices and Bibliography
Index of SHAQ Research Results 290
Appendix A: THE CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY CHECKLIST 291
Appendix B: OVERCOME ANGER AND AGGRESSION 297
Appendix C: THE RUNAWAY EMOTIONS CYCLE 306
Appendix D: NEGATIVE COGNITIVE STYLES 308
Appendix E: HARMONIOUS ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS
TO CREATE UNDERSTANDING AND INTIMACY 309
Appendix F: Demographic Factors and Outcomes 315
Brief Bibliography 316
Index of Boxes, Tables, and Figures 321
Biographical Sketch of the Author 322
BOOK DEDICATED TO:

Charlotte May Stevens--
my mother.
She raised Ron and I alone, loved me unconditionally,
and was always supportive of me and my efforts.
She taught me that honesty and integrity are more important
than what anyone thinks of me or any kind of worldly success.

and

Sherry Bene’ Stevens--
my wife
She is the love of my life--my soul mate.
She is the sunshine and the music in my life.
She is more than I ever thought
I would be lucky enough to have in my life

COMPLETE SHAQ
and find your Happiness Quotient (HQ)

I suggest you take my
Success and Happiness Attributes Questionnaire (SHAQ)
(free) on my website at http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens.
You can save complete results on all scales and items.

SHAQ is designed to go hand-in-hand with this book to provide the best possible
self-development experience. Your results may be more accurate and
you may learn more if you take SHAQ before reading this book.
Compare your SHAQ results to what you read in each chapter.
SHAQ research results from the first 3400 users are included in each chapter.
Users rated the interest and usefulness of SHAQ an average of 6.1 out of a possible 7.0.
INTRODUCTION

WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR?
It may be for you if you answer "yes" to any of the following questions:
● Do you want to discover the causes of happiness and unhappiness?
● Would you like to learn how to achieve mental control over emotions such as anxiety,
anger, guilt, and depression?
● Would you like to develop greater self-esteem?
● Do you want a more positive, but realistic, view of the world?
● Do you worry too much about pleasing others or gaining approval?
● Are you too dependent on others for your happiness?
● Would you like to get more internal control of your life or become more persuasive,
diplomatic, and assertive?
● Are you too codependent (take too much responsibility for others)?
● Do you want to improve your ability to motivate yourself, achieve your goals, and have a
greater impact on the world?
● Would you like to feel less stress and make your time more productive?
● Would you like to be more self-actualized? (Be more like one of Maslow's self-actualizing
people, who were extremely happy and productive)?
● Do you want to maximize your happiness and your gift to others‘ happiness?
ABOUT THIS BOOK:
Learn how to be happy--in any situation. What if you could be a little happier the rest of
your life as a result of reading one book? Would you read it? I cannot promise that result, but I
expect that reading this book will make a lasting difference in your happiness. I believe that
you will learn at least a few new secrets about how to control your emotions and how to be
happy--even if you are already very happy and an expert in the field.

Learn how to become more self-actualized. Dr. Abraham Maslow's concept of self-
actualization is still one of the best descriptions of the healthy personality. Self-actualizing
people are both extremely happy and productive. No matter what your background and
personal history is, you can learn the basic beliefs and life skills it takes to be happy and more
self-actualized.

Learn both internal and external routes to happiness. I emphasize internal routes to
happiness--changing our thinking to get more mental control over our emotions and life.
But practical actions that have powerful impact on other people, our careers, and every
part of our lives are also emphasized. After reading this book, you may never view
yourself quite the same again. You can gain a deeper understanding of how your mental
processes work. You can view yourself as more interesting and worthy of your love and
respect than before you read it.

Changes in your "Higher Self" can have dramatic effects on your self-esteem and life. Your
Higher Self is not a mysterious entity, but your inner center of love and motivational power.
The Higher Self is a belief system that begins when we are infants. A developed Higher Self
incorporates beliefs reflecting the wisdom of the ages. It is a conductor that brings harmony to
inner conflicts. It is a fountain of personal self-integration and spontaneity.
9 / INTRODUCTION
Core beliefs, values, and life skills make the difference between happiness and
unhappiness. The first thing I did before writing this book was to list the key beliefs and life
skills for creating a happy life and becoming like Maslow's self-actualizing persons. My reading,
clinical and personal experience, and my research with my Life Skills Questionnaire on over
4000 people and my recent research with The Success and Happiness Attributes
Questionnaire (SHAQ) on 3400 more have helped me identify those key beliefs and life skills.
They form the heart of this book.

Get mental control over harmonious functioning. Harmonious functioning is a state we can
all achieve which is similar to what Maslow called "peak experience" or Csikszentmihalyi
called "flow.‖ It is a more optimal state of being in which all of the cells in the mind and body
seem to be functioning in harmony. The result is maximum learning, performance, and
happiness. Understanding the causes of harmonious functioning can help you attain these
natural highs.

Adjust your emotions like adjusting a thermostat. Learn the six CHUG-OF Harmonious
Thinking strategies to get mental control over your emotions. When you are emotionally "too
hot"--in overarousal states like anger and anxiety, you can turn down the thermostat to gain
peace and calmness. When you are emotionally "too cold"--in underarousal states like
boredom and depression, you can turn up the heat to get more energy and enthusiasm. Learn
to spend more of your life "in the zone" of harmonious functioning.

Improve relationships--Overcome dependency, nonassertiveness, and external control.
Another important ingredient of happiness is our personal relationships--especially intimate
ones. Are you dominating or being dominated? How often do you do something for another
person out of duty, obligation, because you "should," or out of guilt? How much freedom do
you feel? How much closeness and intimacy? Have you achieved "independent intimacy?"
My wife Sherry and I rarely do anything for each other out of obligation. We almost
always do whatever we do because we genuinely want to. You can eliminate most of the
obligation from your relationships, but you may need a new way of thinking. You may also
need to learn better communication methods. Try the methods in this book that have worked
for us and our clients. The result is a mutual feeling of freedom, love, and intimacy.

Evidence for my conclusions comes from my and others‘ research results, psychotherapy
with several thousand clients, and my own personal experiences. My clients entered therapy
with diverse problems, backgrounds, and ethnic origins. I live my life according to the
principles in this book. I frequently refer to my own and my clients' experiences to aid in your
search for happiness and self-actualization. My extensive research on several thousand people
was designed to test the ideas in this book. The research results strongly support these ideas—
as you will be able to see for yourself in the summaries I have provided in this revised edition.

This is a comprehensive, advanced self-help book. It can be read, understood, and used
successfully by almost anyone. I designed it for the type of people that I see most often in my
classes, workshops, and psychotherapy. Many have already read one or more self-help books
or have had previous counseling. Many are in recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction,
abuse, or other problems. However, people ranging from 19-year-old freshmen to PhD
psychologists have said that it was personally beneficial to them.
My primary goal is that by reading this book you will be a happier, more productive
person. If you are happier, you will radiate that happiness to others as well. A secondary goal
10 / Dr. Tom G. Stevens
is for you to say (as others have) that this is the best book you have found to help you learn
how to be happy and self-actualized.

MY THANKS TO:
Too many people have contributed to my knowledge and indirectly to this book to
mention. My first mentor was Charlotte May Stevens, my mother. My second mentor was
Dr. W. McFerrin Stowe, an extraordinary Methodist minister, who was loved by the
10,000 members of his church for his great insights into life and his great preaching. He
helped me get started.
At both the University of Oklahoma and Claremont School of Theology, I had a
number of professors who were especially influential and beneficial to me. They
introduced me to some of the great thinkers of our time--such as Drs. Carl Rogers,
Abraham Maslow, George Kelly, R. B. Cattell, Paul Tillich, Teihard de Chardin, and others
whose ideas are reflected in this book.
From my doctoral program in psychology at the University of Hawaii, I am especially
grateful to Dr. Art Staats, my dissertation chair, and Dr. Roland Tharp for their knowledge and
help. Both contributed to major advances in the field of psychology and both helped give me
a foundation in cognitive-based human learning theory that even today is a fundamental part
of my thinking and of this book.
In the years since my formal education, I have actively pursued new ideas in the field of
psychology. Cognitive science and artificial intelligence have become a special interest in
recent years. In those fields I have been influenced by the writings of Dr. John Anderson of
Carnegie-Melon and Dr. Art Grossberg of Boston University--among many others. Self-help
writers--especially Dr. Wayne Dyer--have also influenced my ideas.
To my many friends and family members who have given me so much over my lifetime–
especially Jane Stevens and Ron Stevens–thank you.
To Bobbe Browning, a wonderful friend, who spent many hours editing the final
manuscript and finding many wording problems I could not see, I give a special thanks for
your work as well as your friendship.
My wife, Sherry, who is a university counselor and therapist, has been a special
inspiration, and has been my close collaborator and editor. Since we met, my own thinking
has continued to develop through our interactions. In our relationship, we both started with
ideas similar to those in this book, but needed time to "work out the details." The results have
been wonderful! When we meet a difficult situation that upsets us--either alone or together--
we can use our key phrase that we need to "rise above" the situation. We "rise above" it by
thinking of the situation from a higher perspective (see Chapter 8). She is a constant joy and
inspiration to me.
We are grateful for our children, Tracie, Spencer, and Tim; their spouses David, Christin,
and Trina; and our grandchildren Savannah, Spencer, and Sean; Roxy and Charley; and
Aubrey and James. All seem happy and we are proud of them.
I also want to thank the hundreds of my clients who have shared some of their
innermost secrets and parts of themselves with me. They have allowed me to know them
at a depth few others ever see. My clients have helped me learn that there are "secrets of
happiness and success" that seem to work for most people--even those with very different
backgrounds and personalities.
These many people have given their enriching gifts of knowledge to me. My gift is to pass
it on to you, and I hope this gift brings you as much happiness as it has me. I wish you a life
filled with happiness.