Wrestling with the angel : literary writings and reflections on death, dying and bereavement

151 Pages·2010·0.85 MB·English

by  Koppelman

WRESTLING WITH THE ANGEL
Literary Writings and
Reflections on Death, Dying
and Bereavement
Kent L. Koppelman
Death, Value, and Meaning Series
Series Editor: Dale A. Lund
Baywood Publishing Company, Inc.
AMITYVILLE,NEWYORK

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LibraryofCongressCatalogNumber: 2009041907
ISBN:978-0-89503-392-5
ISBN: 978-0-89503-747-3 (epub)
ISBN: 978-0-89503-748-0 (epdf)
http://dx.doi.org/10.2190/WRE
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Koppelman,KentL.
Wrestlingwiththeangel : literarywritingsandreflectionsondeath,dyingand
bereavement / KentL.Koppelman.
p. cm. -- (Death, value, andmeaningseries)
Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.
ISBN 987-0-89503-392-5 (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Death--Psychological aspects. 2.
Bereavement--Psychological aspects. 3. Deathinliterature. I. Title.
BF789.D4K68 2010
155.9’37--dc22
2009041907
Cover art: Gauguin, Vision of the Sermon: Used with permission from The
NationalGalleryofScotland.
Dedication
To
CraigFiedler
Teacher,Scholar,Author,Advocate,Friend
Youbroughtthelightofloveandthewarmthofhumorto
someofthecoldestanddarkestmomentsofmylife.
Nowyouareengagedinyourownfiercestrugglewitha
foethatslippedinquietly,cloakedincancer.
Iamnotabletohelpyouasyouhelpedme,andthathas
increasedmymiseryasIwatchfromthesidelines.
SoonethingIcandoistodedicatethisbooktoyouasan
expressionofmygratitudeforyourfriendship.
Asyoucontinueyourlonelyandexhaustingstruggle,
Iwillcontinuetoapplaudyoureffortsandencourageyou;
Iwillcontinuetoshoutoutwordsofloveandofhope.
Andaslongasyoucanstillhearme,
Iwillkeepshouting.
(CraigFiedlerdiedonSunday,January4,2009.)
Table of Contents
BAYWOOD'SFREEGIFTTOREADERSOF
WRESTLINGWITHTHEANGEL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi
FOREWORD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii
PART 1: Death and Loss
CHAPTER1: Loss: AnUnexpectedDeath . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
CHAPTER2: Mortality: AMatterofLifeandDeath . . . . . . . . 19
PART 2: Responding to an Unexpected Death
CHAPTER3: Bereavement: BecomingaSurvivor . . . . . . . . . 51
CHAPTER4: Reconciliation: LivingwithanAbsence . . . . . . . 63
PART 3: Responding to Expected Deaths
CHAPTER5: Bereavement: ExpectingDeath . . . . . . . . . . . 81
CHAPTER6: Awareness: PromotingtheQualityofLife . . . . . . 101
PART 4: Approaching the End of Life
CHAPTER7: GrowingOld: WalkingthroughtheValley. . . . . . 117
CHAPTER8: Anticipation: PreparingforDeath . . . . . . . . . . 127
AFTERWORD: FinalThoughts. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145
INDEX . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147
v
BAYWOOD'S FREE GIFT TO READERS OF
WRESTLING WITH THE ANGEL
Lucky Man: A Matter of Life and Death
WrittenbyKentL.KoppelmanwithPaulDominicHeckman
ProducedbyJanKoppelman
Aone-actplayoriginallyperformedforthe
InternationalDeath,GriefandBereavementConference
atLaCrosse,Wisconsin,June2007
THEPLAYERS
Death KentL.Koppelman
AdamMensch PaulDominicHeckman
Narrator TessKoppelman
OriginalMusicalComposition JanKoppelman
SYNOPSIS: A middle-aged man named Adam Mensch receives a surprise
visitfromtheAngelofDeath.Menschproteststhatheisnotreadytogo,but
the Angel insists that his time has come. The play presents their discussion
beforeAdamagreestoleavewithhisvisitor.Toprovidesomeinsightintothe
natureofthecollaborationbetweenthetwoauthorswhocreatedthisone-act
play,youareinvitedtoreadeachauthor’sperspectiveontheplay.
Koppelman’s Perspective: This play consists of a desperate dialogue between
a man who has lived what Socrates called an “unexamined life” and an
Angel of Death who has a certain amount of compassion but who has a job
to do. While Adam tries to convince the Angel that he should be given more
time before leaving this life, the Angel tries to explain to Adam that
his arguments are pointless because death comes when it will come. Their
discussion addresses questions of philosophy, theology, and religious beliefs
while addressing the purpose of life, the meaning of death, the existence of
a soul and, of course, God. The Angel ultimately answers one question that
allowsAdamtoaccepthisfate.
Heckman’s Perspective: According to several reliable reports, another man
has, in the vernacular “made the grade.” Doctors Allen, Blake, Crane,
Dickenson, France, Keats, Schweitzer, and Swift have all weighed in with
their own unique take on the incident. One Mr. Adam Mensch had, in fact,
beenjoinedindiscussionsborderingonbargaining,begging,andnegotiation,
before ultimately accepting the opposition perspective. Mensch at times
parried masterfully; at others he resorted to the age-old, “Wait.” Or the
tired chestnut, “But I have questions.” Such attempts, as usual, designed
or created, were met with amusement and satire. Mensch’s position did
nothingtooverridebiologyorhistory.
Format: MP3
Duration:29minutes
Clickheretodownload:http://baywood.com/media/01luckyman.mp3
Foreword
Withinafewmonthsaftermy19-year-oldsondiedinatrafficaccident,
I began to revise my grief journal into a manuscript that became
The Fall of a Sparrow: Of Death and Dreams and Healing (1994). I
wrote it in part out of frustration from reading several books and
finding few, especially those written by grieving fathers, that helped
me to deal with this loss in any meaningful way. Writing Sparrow
was in part personal therapy, and in part an attempt to offer
assistance to others who were struggling with the unexpected loss of
alovedone,especiallyachild.
Writingthebookwashelpfulforme,butitdidnotresolvetheissues
in my ongoing effort to be at peace with the absence of my son on a
dailybasis.Althoughitwasmoresporadic,Icontinuedtowriteessays
and some poetry about my thoughts and experiences with death—a
close friend died, then my sister, and my parents. Over the years,
four of myessayswere published. Inthe fall of 2006 Iwrote a one-act
play about the Angel of Death coming for a man who was not ready
to leave and insists that he should not be taken yet. A friend and
skilled writer, Paul Dominic Heckman, assisted me in revising the
play, and we performed it at an annual Death and Bereavement
Conference. The audience responded enthusiastically, and after the
performanceseveralpeoplerequestedcopiesofthescript.Thiswasthe
genesis of the book you now have before you. I began to organize and
revise my published and unpublished writing, and I worked on some
new material, especially an essay with the tentative title, “Wrestling
withtheAngel.”
In addition to my own writing, I have collected numerous excerpts
from poetry and prose over the years, which included a significant
number on issues related to death, grief, and bereavement. They
vii
viii / WRESTLINGWITHTHEANGEL
represent part of what I think of as “wisdom literature” on these
topics. My interest in collecting excerpts from literature stems from
growing up in rural Nebraska in the 1950s and attending a one-
room school. For all its drawbacks, there were advantages for a child
who loved to read. Our elementary readers included authors such
as Robert Burns, Edgar Allan Poe, and William Wordsworth, who
would be considered too literary (meaning too difficult for children
to read) by today’s standards. Students read aloud, so when I was
younger I would listen to the language of the literature being read by
the older students and was captivated by these literary descriptions
of human fears, joys, despairs, and triumphs. In high school and
in college I continued to read compelling literature, including some
that addressed human experiences and beliefs about death, grief,
andimmortality.
Approachingtheageof30,IenrolledinaPhDprogramineducation
andbegantoreadawiderangeofnonfiction,whilecontinuingtoread
literature. In addition to gaining knowledge, I also appreciated those
authors who could make a comment that compelled attention. Others
might have said the same thing, but this author said it in a way that
madeitmemorable.Whenever Icameacrosssuchquotations,Ibegan
to write them down and save them. With the advent of computers,
I transferred these pages to a file that now contains over 300 pages
of quotations. It was from this collection on a multitude of topics that
I selected excerpts and quotations for this book, which I consider to
be good examples of wisdom literature on issues of death and dying,
griefandbereavement.
Some of the quotations are well-known passages that are often
cited, while others are relatively obscure. Some can be found in prose
from which another passage is more frequently quoted. For example,
most people are familiar with the phrase “for whom the bell tolls,”
ifnotfromitsactualsourcethenasthetitle ofanErnestHemingway
novel (that became a movie). People who recognize the phrase may
know that it comes from the poet John Donne (1951); however, it is
notfromapoembutfromhisMeditation17:
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the
continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the
sea,Europeistheless,aswellasifapromontorywere,aswellas
if a manor of thy friend’s or thine own were. Any man’s death
diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore
never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
(pp.340-341)
FOREWORD / ix
Earlier in that same meditation, Donne writes another passage
that is as compelling and inspirational, if not more so, than the more
famouspassage:
All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man
dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into
a better language; and every chapter must be so translated. God
employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age,
some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand
is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our
scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie
opentooneanother.(p.340)
I would like to see someone create a book filled with such wisdom
literature, not merely a book of quotations (we already have those)
but passages that reveal profound insights from diverse authors on
human experiences and perceptions of death, grief, and bereavement.
Passages like the ones above have been the catalyst for my own
thinking and writing about grief and bereavement. A few scattered
showersofprosebecameadownpouraftermysondied,andafterIhad
written a rough draft of Sparrow, I selected quotations from my
collectiontobegineachchapter.
As noted earlier, four of the essays in this book were previously
published, and I want to express my appreciation to the publishers
forallowingtheinclusionoftheseessaysinthisbook.“Emergingfrom
the Anguish: A Father’s Experience with Loss and Grief” Koppelman
(2000) cited in an anthology of writing on men’s grief experiences
entitled Men Coping with Grief. Two essays were published in the
journal Illness,Crisis &Loss:“The Dance of Grief” Koppelman (1999)
describing rituals and actions to promote healing; “The Culture of
Life”Koppelman(2005)suggestedthatanawarenessofdeathmaybe
necessaryforpeopletodevelopagenuinereverenceforlife.“ForThose
Who Stand and Wait” Koppelman (2003) an essay selected for the
anthology Making Sense of Death, describes my attempts to be recon-
ciledtomyson’sdeath.
In reviewing the writing to be included in this book, eight themes
emerged that were related to death, grief, and bereavement, and that
seemedappropriateasaframeworkforthisbook.Foreachoftheeight
chapters there is an introductory essay exploring the theme, and
throughout each introductory essay the reader will encounter several
boxed texts with excerpts from the wisdom literature on death,
grief,andbereavement. Aftereachintroductory essaythereisapoem
and then another piece of writing that addresses the theme for that