Womonspace News: Our Voice in the Lesbian Community: Mar 1995

20 Pages·1995·3.3 MB·English

|( WOMONSPACE
our voice in the lesbian community
From the Editor
Lesbians’ silence about battering also
Lindy Pratch reflects an acute awareness of societal
In the last few years, we have homophobia. We fear feeling society’s
become much more aware of the extent
hatred and myths by speaking openly
of the problem of battered women in
about lesbian battering. We fear hostile
Canada. Media reports and studies are
responses from police, courts, shelters,
nearly always restricted to abuse in
or therapists. Consequently, we are
heterosexual relationships, however. It
hesitant to call the police, seek
is more hidden in the lesbian
counseling, or write articles.
community, partly because we are
already accustomed to living our lives Mindy Benowitz, in Naming the Violence,
Kerry Lobel, ed. 1986.
in secrecy.
The personal experiences of some
Edmonton lesbians are published in this
issue of Womonspace News. A Contributors this issue:
bibliography has been included for Lindy Pratch, Catherine Gutwin,
further reading. Charity Laboucan, Jennifer, Ladi,
This is not an easy topic to write Alison, Heather, Gami, Kate, Rosa,
about, read about, or discuss. Even so, it Amy Lee Cardufian
is a problem we must address. Women
you know are being battered. Both the
abuser and the victim need help in Submissions Are Welcome
order to stop the cycle of violence. Letters to the Editor and other
The Gay and Lesbian Community submissions are always welcome.
Centre of Edmonton can give Topics in upcoming issues:
confidential referrals to women looking April—Singles
for professional help; call 488-3234. May—Lesbians and the Law |
June—Womanspace Dances
Womonspace News is a publication of Womonspace Social and Recreational Society of Edmonton. We are a nonprofit —
organization. The newsletter is produced by, for, and about lesbians in Edmonton and the surrounding areas. Our purpose is to
inform and entertain our members and any other interested lesbians. The opinions expressed in any issue of Womonspace News do
not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Directors or the Newsletter Committee. The events, organizations and establishments
publicized are not necessarily supported by Womonspace. Womonspace News is produced on a volunteer basis by the Newsletter
Committee. We welcome submissions. Material submitted becomes the property of Womonspace. We reserve the right to edit for
length and content, and to refuse publication. Articles or letters to the editor may be sent to: Womonspace, Basement, 9930-106
Street, Edmonton, AB T5K 1C7. Womonspace News seeks advertising that is lesbian-positive to help defer publications costs.
Womonspace does not necessarily endorse products or services offered. We reserve the nght to refuse ads. For rate information,
and to place an ad, please leave a message on the Lesbian Life Line: 425-0511.
a WOMONSPACE NEWS
Recognizing Abuse
Threats of abuse: threatening to
punch, hit, kick, use a weapon, commit
Catherine Gutwin
suicide if the partner leaves, hurt her
What does abuse look like, sound
children, hurt her pet, out her, defame
like, feel like? Women need to recognize
her. Threats can be vague, such as,
their own abuse, and our society needs
“I’m really going to let you have it...”
to recognize and stop tolerating abuse
Psychological/Emotional abuse:
of women.
continued attacks on her self-esteem,
Women are primarily abused by
repeated harassment/interrogation/
men, but this isn’t the only scenario.
degradation, threats, insults, control-
Much as our community denies and
ling or limiting her behaviour—or her
ignores it, some lesbians also abuse their
contact with others, forcing to stay
partners. Lesbian partner abuse does
awake, blaming her for everything,
not look very different from straight
forcing her to perform self-degrading
partner abuse, and sadly, our
acts or make self-degrading statements.
rationalization and dismissal of it is not
When one woman does these things
very different from the malestream’s.
to another, this is how we excuse it:
WOMAN Inc.’s Lesbian Domestic
Denial: “Women don’t batter other
Violence Program in San Francisco
women physically or emotionally,”
defines partner abuse as follows:
“My friend wouldn’t do that sort of
Abuse is the use of or the threat of
thing to her partner,” “Iam nota
using physical, sexual, or verbal
victim of abuse; lesbian relationships
behaviour to coerce a partner ... or to
are just more intense than straight
gain/maintain control in the
ones,” “Only butches abuse,” “Butches
relationship.
only abuse femmes,” “If she was being
Physical abuse: slapping, punching,
battered she would go to the shelter.”
kicking, pinching, pushing, wrestling,
Rationalization: “\ fought back, so
pulling hair, spitting, throwing someone
I’m just as much to blame,” “They’re
bodily, throwing objects, denying one’s
the same size, so the batterer can’t
physical needs (food, sleep), physically
really hurt her,” “She’s not econo-
abusing someone or something impor-
mically dependent on the batterer, so
tant to the partner.
she can’t be coerced,” “It’s a homo-
Sexual abuse: unwanted touch,
phobic world/workplace/family, and
degrading or sexually attacking
the batterer is under a lot of stress,”
comments or jokes, any sexual activity
“Lesbians don’t have good models for
refused or not consented to (i.e., when
healthy relationships,” “This is small
she is sleeping, high, drunk, not asked,
violence, not big violence,” “The
afraid to say no, manipulated, guilt-
batterer’s feminist activism in the
tripped).
(Continued on page 4)
WOMONSPACE NEWS 3
RELEES
(Continued from page 3)
community cancels out this behaviour
at home.”
Recognizing abuse in lesbian rela-
tionships is hard. We don’t want to Two-Spirited
believe it happens at all, but if we do,
then we want to be able to draw a clear Each Native language has a word for gay
people. Each translates roughly into English
line between abuse and the ordinary
as two-spirited. It means we hold both the
difficulties of working out a relation-
male and female essences within us.
ship. It’s not that simple. Abuse
But we miss the point if we try to
Charity Laboucan
distinguish acceptable violence from
Okay, Let’s forget the clinical
unacceptable violence. If we are a
definitions of abuse. Let’s forget about
community of lovers, as we so often say
perpetuating the silence we have
to the bigots who attack us, and if we
learned. Forget about skirting the
are a “peaceful, loving people,” then
issues. Abuse is harsh. It hurts. It
we will tolerate no violence. We will
destroys people. It kills people. | am
challenge ourselves, our friends, and
tired of not talking about it. | am tired
our lovers whenever we/they
worrying about who I will offend with
perpetrate it, deny it, or rationalize it.
the grossness of it all.
What is abuse? Let me tell you...
Abuse is the echoing childhood cries
when I wasn’t old enough to have
Women’s Building Collective
language, other than calling for
9930-106 Street
A partially furnished, mommy when I watched and heard
windowless but cheery room is her get beaten.
available for rent on a month- Abuse is the boys and men who
to-month basis. Shared meeting shoved my face into the bed so I
room. Kitchen facilities &
wouldn’t cry out as they mounted me.
smoking room. Good for short
Abuse is their threats and making me
term projects or counsellor
requiring an interview room. promise silence and commanding me
All offers accepted. through fear. Abuse is being told to go
View and get details on wash. I didn’t even know what I was
International Women’s Day Open
washing from me.
House, March 8, between noon
Abuse is the perpetuation of
and 7 pm. Leave a message at
Womonspace (425-0511)if you ignorance. Abuse is violence and guns
can’t view that day. Someone and fear and death and drugs and
will get back to you. alcohol.
=
4 WOMONSPACE NEWS
Abuse is the father figure who stole Abuse is when my cousin made me
the nights from five years of my life. It’s eat the moldy tuna casserole, even after
being thankful that he was sterile and I had vomited in it. Abuse is all the
didn’t get me pregnant. Abuse is waking times she pulled my hair, screamed at
up with semen on my lips and hearing me, punched me. Abuse is all the times
his scurrying footsteps fading into the I have been hit.
darkness. Abuse is all the times I have
Abuse is the woman in my childhood watched people getting beaten. It’s
who ran to our house in the middle of a seeing my world in pieces around me.
cold winter night barefoot to escape Abuse is my mother’s pain and rage
from another beating. Abuse is not and fists. It is leaving home young
calling the police because she was because I refused to be another
afraid she would lose her children to destroyed and bitter woman of my
social services. family. I refused to be another link in
Abuse is alcohol and losing family the chain.
members in car accidents. Abuse is How much do you have to hear and
wondering every day what that baby see until you do something about it. I
cousin of mine could have brought to separated myself from my family. I
this world. Abuse is being thankful that didn’t know any other reality, but I had
she wasn’t brought into my world of to do something. I had no role models.
violence and rage and guns. All I knew was that I would not be
Abuse is all the women in my family what I had learned. Would not do all
that were beaten by my uncles and the things I had been taught.
cousins. Abuse is purple and black Abuse meant finding myself alone
swollen faces. It’s clumps of hair when I needed help. Abuse meant
missing from the scalp. It’s broken beer accepting that I was alone and learning
bottles and blood on the floor when I to be cold and hard and untouchable. It
wake up. It’s watching my grandmother meant my escape to oblivion and
sitting on my cousin, choking and drugs.
slapping her. Abuse is senseless anger Abuse was a knife in my hand and
inherited through countless blood and having nothing to hold onto.
generations. I did die that day. And I was reborn.
Abuse is my cousin who jumped The answer was found when I was at
from the High Level Bridge. Abuse is my the bottom—truth. I will tell the truth.
uncle who shot himself with a shotgun. I will not be silent. My victory is my
Abuse is my aunt and cousins finding life and my love and my ability to see
him on the couch dead with a blood- beauty... and being still here to write
soaked pillow over his stomach. these words. Finally, after all this time,
I can write them.
WOMONSPACE NEWS 5
Black Eye & Bruises I didn’t get more than a few steps
inside the front door. I curled into a
Jennifer
ball and did what I could to protect
I didn’t see it coming. That was the
myself from her fists. Bewilderment
worst of it. I trusted her, loved her, and
became fear. Who was this stranger
didn’t know what was happening to me,
screaming at me and hurting me?
even as it happened.
When and how would it end?
It started out as a normal wedding
Eventually, I locked myself in the
shower, but it progressed into an
bathroom. I didn’t respond to Lorna
evening of drunkenness as male
when she pounded on the door, and
relatives joined the festivities. | didn’t
later ignored her pleas that I come out.
know these people. They were my
After a long interval of silence—it
lover’s straight friends.
could have been hours, I don’t know—I
Lorna and I sat behind the bar in the
came out of my refuge. I considered my
basement rumpus room. She held my
options. Where could I go at this hour
hand so tightly it hurt, and I tried to
of the night? I had an aunt and uncle
pull it from her. She scraped my
living in Edmonton, but I didn’t want
knuckles against the rough wood under
them to see me in my battered
the countertop until they bled, and then
condition. I didn’t have the money for a
I finally pulled away from her. “Let’s go
hotel. We didn’t even have an extra
home,” I suggested.
blanket for the couch. So, I crept into
Lorna followed me up the stairs. “We
our narrow bed to spend the rest of the
really should go home now...” her fist
night beside Lorna. She woke up
cut short my words. My head slammed
briefly, tried to choke me with her
back against the wall. I tasted blood on
hands around my throat, but I
my lip. I worried that the people
overpowered her and she passed out
downstairs would wonder about the
again. After a while, I fell into an
noise. Lorna was very drunk. I hoped
exhausted sleep as well.
her friends would think she had
The next morning, the Lorna that I
stumbled or something. I hadn’t had
loved was back. Her eyes widened in
any alcohol, but I felt confused. What
horror and concern when she woke up.
had I done to deserve this violence?
“What happened to you?” She did not
Driving home, I was mostly quiet,
remember anything of the previous
concentrating on our destination rather
evening.
than Lorna’s ranting. I hoped
We worked at the same minimum
everything would be okay once we were
wage job, and our co-workers knew we
safe in our own rented house where we
were lovers. For Lorna’s sake, I pre-
had loved each other happily for a year.
tended that my black eye and cut lip
Nothing had prepared me for this.
were the result of a scuffle with my
6 WOMONSPACE NEWS
cousins. | tried not to betray the hurt I Team Edmonton
felt from bruises all over my body. I
is Alive and Well
hated the lie, but I didn’t know what
else to say. I really didn’t want them to Ladi BF =
know the truth. I was so ashamed of There’s more to Team mseaIk) se
what had happened to me. | didn’t Edmonton than you may
have thought. Since SR) /
want them to get the wrong idea about
banding together to support loca]
lesbians, either.
participants in Gay Games IV, this
It occurred to me that there might be
sport and leisure organization has
someone I could talk to about the
taken root in our community and
battering, but I didn’t know how to find
continues to grow.
someone like that. And I wanted to
The success of Team Edmonton’s
protect Lorna. She vowed to cut down
first endeavor, when Edmonton
on her drinking, and mostly kept that
athletes came home from the Games
promise, too. Even so, we broke up
with 7 medals, convinced the group to
about six months later.
stay intact and continue supporting
With hindsight and maturity, I
community needs. Making contacts
recognized that Lorna and I played
and organizing sport and leisure
subtle abuser/victim roles all the while
activities has become a high priority
we were together. The scars stayed
for team Edmonton while continuing
with me for a long time. Not those from
its efforts to raise funds for Games V in
the night of physical violence, which
Amsterdam.
wasn’t what hurt the most, but rather
Recreational activities enhance our
the battering of my sense of self-worth.
lives and Team Edmonton believes the
I doubted my lovability. I didn’t trust
men and womyn in Edmonton’s gay
my ability to make decisions.
community deserve it] How about you?
I’m still embarrassed to talk about it,
Team Edmonton is looking for groups
but I want other battered lesbians to
and individuals who'd like to get
know that they are not alone. You don’t
involved. Contact Ladi at 467-0733.
need to see it coming, but if it happens,
We need you.
we need to deal with it.
Classified Advertising: _
Anyone interested in joining a women’s touch football
team-shiftwork can be accommodated-—call Roz at 468-2579.
Looking for a weight-training buddy 3 times per week at
|Ki nsmen. Call Rosa at 455-1573.
WOMONSPACE NEWS 7
Wrenching Free myself, often putting my partner’s
needs ahead of my own. I took the
Anonymous blame for everything that went wrong
His fingers curled tenaciously
in our relationship. | was an expert on
around my wrist in a grip that spoke of
toxic relationships. That was all that |
hunger for power. There was no
had ever known. I had no idea of what
escape. I could feel his other hand
was needed in a healthy, intimate
gathering momentum. I held my breath
relationship. As a result, our
only to have it forced out of my body by
relationship ended five months later.
the impact of his blows with his fist, his
We did, however, continue to live
belt, or whatever else was handy. 1 was
together for another year and a half at
no match for his brute strength. I tried
my insistence. My partner wisely
desperately to wrench my wrist out of
offered to move out, but I convinced
his grip, to break free. But it was all in
her not to. I could not imagine my life
vain.
without her.
I never knew if one day his rage
They say that what you resist,
would snuff out my life forever. I was
persists. Since I had resisted dealing
five years old. My father was a
with the original issue of abuse in my
rageaholic. | was fourteen before the
life, the problems that had evolved from
physical abuse stopped. In my final
it still remained and I continued to
year of university, I ended the
allow very unhealthy situations to take
emotional abuse by moving out.
place. I didn’t need someone else to
As I grew up, I acquired enough
abuse me. I had learned from a master
emotional baggage to fill an airport:
and was now very adept at conducting
low self-esteem, self-hatred, poor
my own symphony of abuse. Why else
communications skills—the list goes
would I have discouraged my ex from
on. I had many relationships with men.
moving out? She tried to convince me
Surprisingly, none of them were
that it would be emotionally healthier
abusive. But then again, I rarely hung
for both of us to live apart, but I refused
around long enough to really find out
to listen. One night she brought a new
what these men were like. | was too
lover home to spend the night and I
scared.
made an odyssey into hell. The pain of
When I became involved with a
beatings was mild compared to the
womon, I couldn’t believe how safe I
anguish that I felt as I tried to sleep all
felt with her. We would go to sleep in
alone while someone else slept with my
each other’s arms at night and I
ex-lover.
couldn’t recall a time when I had ever
When my lover moved away, I was
felt so loved. My lover became my
devastated. I was so lonely and suffered
universe and I was willing to do
excruciating emotional pain. I was
anything for her. | compromised
8 WOMONSPACE NEWS
finally willing to do anything to change the centre of my universe. Nor would |
because it hurt too much to continue want someone to do that for me.
living my life in the same way. My father almost convinced me that
The ending of this relationship was I was unlovable, and that I deserved to
the catalyst that I needed to help me to be treated like shit. A small, invincible
deal with the past. 1 went toa part of me could not accept that. Had I
psychologist for a time, spent some time not worked on my past issues, I would
in support groups with people who have continued to attract abusive
came from dysfunctional homes and people into my life or I would have
began to heal my wounds. One poignant continued to tolerate and even to create
moment came when the group had to go situations that were emotionally
around to each member and say, “I’m abusive and unhealthy for me.
glad you’re alive!” A woman in her I last saw that innocent five-year-old
fifties started to cry, saying, “No one has child a few years back. Terror filled her
ever said that to me before!” I felt so eyes as she ran past me with her
much compassion for her and for the determined rageaholic father in
first time in my life, I allowed myself to pursuit. He caught up to her, grabbed
feel some compassion for myself. I her tiny wrist in his large, angry hand
began to be gentle with myself, to listen and trapped her callously in his grip.
to my inner voices, to figure out who I She struggled courageously against him
was. as he released a torrent of blows that
I no longer bear much resemblance came raining down on her little body
to the person that I was five or six years and caught her in an unchecked
ago. None of the changes I’ve undergone hurricane of rage. | could hear her
would have been possible had I not screams, I could feel the impact of each
learned to love and accept myself first. I blow, I could feel her emotional
am no longer afraid of communicating despair. I had to get to her somehow!
my thoughts or feelings to someone She couldn’t hear me above the din of
else. |a m assertive when I need to be. | her father’s thunderous rage and as he
take more risks than before, because raised his fist one more time, she finally
now I look at mistakes as feedback as to noticed me. I held out my arms to her.
what I should do next. In a relationship, A glimmer of hope lit her big brown
I try to see that both my partner’s and eyes and with the last shred of energy
my needs are met. I realize that there that was left in her, she gave one last
has to be a certain amount of jerk and wrenched free from his vice-
compromise within the context of an like grip. Big sobs of relief racked her
intimate relationship but I will never body as I held her protectively in my
totally compromise myself to be with arms. No one would ever hurt her
someone else or to make another person again. She was finally free!
WOMONSPACE NEWS 9
CALENDAR OF EVENTS Gay & Lesbian Infoline: 988-4018.
Lesbian Life Line: 425-0511.
Weekly Events:
March Events:
GLCCE (Gay and Lesbian Community Centre),
104-11745 Jasper Avenue is open Monday to February 24 to March 12
Friday from 7-10 pm and Wednesday from 1-4 The Search for Intelligent Signs of Life
pm. Peer counselling, drop-in, lesbian coming in the Universe
out group and library. Phone [phone].
Jane Wagner’s comedy produced by the
Phoenix Theatre. Phone [phone].
Les/Bi/Gay (formerly GALOC); social &
political student group on the University of Thursday, March 2
Alberta campus, meets Mondays, 6-7 pm at Womonspace Drop-In.
Heritage Lounge in Athabasca Hall. 988-4166.
Lesbians and bisexual women are invited for
refreshments and talk, 9930— 106 Street,
Adamant Eve Feminist radio program 7:30-9 pm.
broadcast on CJSR, FM 88.5, at the University of
Alberta. Thursdays from 5-6 pm. Friday, March 3
Sacred Circle Dancing
Gaywire A lesbian and gay radio show on FM Open to any woman who wants to dance.
88.5. Thursdays from 6-7 pm. Riverdale Hall, 9231—100 Ave 7-9 pm.
Donations toward hall rental welcomed. «
Lesbian and Gay Badminton Thursdays,
7-9 pm at Oliver School, 10210—117 St.; $1. Saturday, March 4
International Women’s Day Rally
Northern Titans (bowling for lesbians and City Hall, 12 pm-4 pm; Speakers, performers,
display tables, child care, march to Canada
gays) Saturdays, 5:15 pm at Lynnwood Bowl,
Place. Keynote speaker: Nettie Wiebe, president
16127—118 Ave.
National Farmers’ Union.
Country Jamboree
Pink Triangle Youth Group meets every
First Saturday every month, advance tickets
Saturday, 7:30-10 pm at GLCCE. For lesbians
only; open to all women. Contact SOLO
and gays 16 to 21 years old. members or Linda at 447-4776.
Metropolitan Community Church
Sunday, March 5
weekly worship, 10086 MacDonald Drive,
Womonspace News Meeting
Sundays at 7:15 pm.
Boystown, 10116—124 Street, at noon.
Deadline for April submissions.
SOLO (Singles Only Lesbian Organization) Edmonton Vocal Minority Practice
Social club for lesbians and bisexual women U of A, 1-23 Fine Arts Bldg, 2-4:30 pm. New
(over 18) meets every week for a variety of
singing members welcome during the month of
social functions. Call Linda at 447-4776.
March.
10 WOMONSPACE NEWS