Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists

267 Pages·2010·3.53 MB·English

by  Sandra L. Brown

Women Who
Love
Psychopaths

Inside the Relationships of
Inevitable Harm
with Psychopaths,
Sociopaths, and Narcissists

Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

2nd Edition
Important Notice
The purpose of this book is to provide accurate and authoritative
information about the subject matter covered. The author (and any
contributors) has made every effort to ensure the information is correct
and complete. However, neither the publisher nor the author(s) is engaged
in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. This
book is not a substitute for mental health treatment. If you require such
advice or treatment, you should seek the services of a competent mental
health professional.
The material in this book is intended to help women to identify
dangerous and potentially dangerous relationships with disordered men.
Every effort has been made to provide accurate and dependable
information regarding his potential disorder and the relationship dynamics.
The contents of the book have been compiled through professional
research and by mental health professionals. However, the reader should
be aware that professionals in the field have differing opinions.
Therefore, the publisher, author, and editors, as well as the
professionals quoted in the book, cannot be held responsible for any error,
omission, professional disagreement, or dated material. The authors and
publisher assume no responsibility for any outcome of applying the
information in this book in a program of self-care or under the care of a
licensed practitioner. If you have questions about the application of the
information described in this book, consult a licensed therapist. If you are
in a violent or potentially violent relationship, please call a domestic
violence hotline or law enforcement.
Published by Mask Publishing, Penrose, NC
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Cover Design by: Barry Briggs
Copyright © 2009 by Sandra L. Brown, M.A. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and
recording, or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system
without the written permission of the copyright owner of this book. Brief
quotations may be used in reviews prepared for inclusion in a magazine,
newspaper, or for broadcast. For further information, please contact:

Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Library of Congress Catalog Number 2008924208

ISBN 0-9841728-0-7

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Dedication
This book is dedicated to all the victims whose lives have been
devastated by the psychopath’s pathology and to a great supporter of this
work my mother, Joyce Brown, who died during the writing of this book. I
love you Mom. Thank you for being such a pioneer in this work and for so
bravely exposing your own pathological relationships. The huge part of
my life that we shared will be forever empty…
Many thanks to my family—Ken, Lindsay, Lauren and grandbabies,
Aliyah, Bryce and ‘new baby’ who keep my life balanced in the midst of
this work, and to my foster son, Cody who died shortly after the first
printing of this book who so clearly has shown me what good and loving
mental health looks like in a young man.
Thank you Cody for having been previously and continuing to be
today my teacher in this life.
Many thanks to Dixie Lang for not only her support in the concepts of
pathology, but her enormous effort in the help with this manuscript. I am
very thankful for her help.
Ordering:
This book can be ordered from our websites at:
www.SafeRelationshipsMagazine.com
www.WomenWhoLovePsychopaths.com
www.amazon.com
Coming soon to bookstores near you!
Sandra L. Brown, M.A
Sandra L. Brown, M.A., CEO of The Institute for Relational Harm
Reduction & Public Pathology Education is a clinician, program
development specialist, psychopathologist, lecturer, and an award-winning
author. Her books include Counseling Victims of Violence (1991, 2006),
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Book and Workbook (2005) and The
Moody Pews (2005).
She is recognized for her pioneering work on women’s issues related
to relational harm with Cluster B/Axis II disordered partners and
specializes in the development and implementation of Pathological Love
Relationship clinical training and services. Sandra’s work, numerous
books, CD’s, DVD’s, other training materials and literature have been
used as curriculum in drug rehabs, women’s organizations and shelters,
women’s jail programs, women’s prisons, school-based programs, inner
city projects, college campuses, various psychology and sociology
programs worldwide, and utilized in almost every country of the world.
Her collaborative research on Women Who Love Psychopaths was
recently presented at the Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy.
Her work has been presented in lectures across the country including the
Ruth Ginsberg Lecture Series Women and the Law on Domestic Violence
as well as programs related to Domestic Violence Provider and Batterer
Intervention Training in which her unique focus on Pathological Love
Relationships has been featured.
In addition, her work at The Institute has included the development of
a comprehensive online psychopathology magazine interviewing some of
the country’s leading researchers on personality disorders and pathology,
the establishment of a Therapist Certification Program in Pathological
Love Relationships, a Peer-Support Coaching Program, and the
development of a Model of Care Approach for Treatment Centers.
Sandra’s previous work included the founding and directing of
Bridgework Counseling Center, a Florida-based program from 1987-1997
which encompassed a multi-faceted mental health treatment center for
Trauma Disorders, Personality Disorders, and one of the country’s first
long-term residential programs for women with Dissociative Identity
Disorder. She was also a pathologist on the Woman’s Trauma Inpatient
Hospital Program for The Manors Psychiatric Hospital. She facilitated
groups on PTSD and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as well as individual
treatment. Sandra holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling.
Table of Contents
Introduction - The Unexamined Victim 7
Chapter 1 - Understanding the Names Related to Psychopathy - 15
Pathology and the Psychopath Himself
Chapter 2 - What Causes Pathology? Let’s Talk Nurture 33
Chapter 3 - He’s Flying Under the Radar - Why She Misses the 49
Clues
Chapter 4 - The Neuroscience of His Pathology - Differences in 61
Brain Function
Chapter 5 - She Says Potato, He Says Po-ta-to - A Guide to 71
Psychopath’s Language and Communication
Barriers
Chapter 6 - Her Psychopathic Man - Psychopathic Hook-ups - 87
Why it Happens and Who She’s Been With
Chapter 7 - Her Temperament - The Temperament of Women 105
Who Love Psychopaths
Chapter 8 - About Her - Her Character 129
Chapter 9 - The Intense Attraction, Attachment, and Bonding 153
Chapter 10 - The Use of Trance, Hypnosis, and Suggestibility 173
Chapter 11 - Deceive and Believe: the Luring and Honeymoon 187
Stage
Chapter 12 - Grieve and Cleave - Mid-relationship Dynamics as 203
the Mask is Slipping
Chapter 13 - Perceive and Leave - End Relationship Dynamics as 221
She and the Relationship are Disintegrated
Chapter 14 - Reprieve and Achieve - Recovering from the 231
Aftermath
Chapter 15 - What About Inevitable Harm to the Children? 245
The Women’s Stories 254
Appendix A – Comparison of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy 263
Information and Resources 265
Introduction Page 7
Introduction
The Unexamined Victim
“If you’re going to care about the fall of a sparrow you can’t pick
and choose who’s going to be the sparrow. It’s everybody.”
— Madeline L’Engle
We are all aware of one fact—countless hours and millions of dollars
have been spent researching and writing about the psychopath. There are
plenty of readers ready to devour whatever is written about this subject.
That’s probably because for many people, the psychopath is a unique
blend of the traits ‘dangerous + exciting’ in a way that sparks both
‘curiosity + fear.’ This multi-million-dollar research has produced dozens,
if not hundreds, of articles each trying to explain the psyche of this
mysterious and very disordered person.
Despite all the research dollars spent, academics and researchers
continue to debate endlessly over what to call psychopaths, how to assess
them, how differing diagnosis compare, and what to do with the
psychopaths among us. The intense interest seems to prompt more
questions than answers.
o ‘How did this person get this way?’
o ‘Is psychopathy really a sickness or something else?’
o ‘Can they be helped?’
o ‘Are they really that rare?’
Although the academics and researchers have produced an enormous
body of knowledge about psychopaths, this knowledge does not seem to
have helped the victims heal from the aftermath of encountering
psychopaths. Current research, programs, and existing books skirt around
a profound issue related to psychopathy—their victims.
Very little attention has been paid to the survivors of relationships
with psychopaths, despite the fact that the disorder harms almost everyone
in the psychopath’s way and devastates the women and children who try to
love him. Currently, what is being researched, written, and reported about
psychopathy often has nothing to do with the victim’s healing. The focus,
as a sort of cultural fascination, is always on the psychopath related to
what is wrong with him and what he’s done. Sadly, people are attempting
Page 8 Women Who Love Psychopaths
to heal from the psychopath’s extraordinary damage, and do so without
any real information about what the aftermath is or how to heal from it.
The public’s appetite for Crime TV-like experiences about psychopaths
seems unquenchable. Victim-oriented books still remain largely memoir
types—e.g. My Life With a Psychopath—fueling more descriptions about
the disorder through narrative storytelling, but not much in the way of help
or recovery for his untreated victims. In the end, many victims have
foregone true acknowledgment, understanding and treatment.
One reason is that not all therapists know how to recognize victims of
psychopathic relationships. Professionals in the general field of
psychology don’t want to wrestle with psychopathy and psychopathology.
Psychopathy remains one of the sub-categories (or sub-terrains!)
within psychology that clinicians don’t flock to and mainstream mental
health professionals are inadequately trained to handle. Without proper
training, therapists are likely to miss his disorder and her resulting
victimization.
Historically, professionals have often lumped psychopath’s victims
together with domestic violence survivors, codependency recoverers, sex
or relationship addicts, and labeled them with dependent personality
problems, none of which have helped the victim’s find specific treatment
for the unique relationship dynamics for which psychopaths are known.
Consequently, victims of psychopaths have yet another victimization scar
due to a lack of knowledgeable and specialized treatment for their unique
victimization exposure.
My Involvement in the Field of Pathology
I got involved in pathology 20 years ago as a counselor ‘treating’
personality-disordered men and women. Over decades of working with
these relentless disorders, I came to a new appreciation for the depth of
permanent devastation they bring. The devastation affects not only the
person that has the disorder, but the people around them. Those people
include family members, partners, friends, bosses, children, and even
therapists. I came to recognize that this type of pathology, in many ways,
really is a wasteland. The progress the disordered person makes is
measured in millimeters, while the devastation he or she leaves behind is
measured in miles. This lack of progress resulted in shifting my practice
Introduction Page 9
from working with personality disordered people to working with their
family and intimate-others.
Additionally, I initiated psychopathy and pathology education for the
community-at-large. Years later, I wrote the book How to Spot a
Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved to help non-professionals learn
to recognize signs and symptoms of pathological disorders, related mostly
to personality disorders. After How to Spot a Dangerous Man was
released, I realized the ‘dangerous man’ experiences they were trying to
heal from were largely due to two types of pathologically disordered
men—Narcissists and the whole ‘antisocial end of the pathology
spectrum’ which includes Antisocial Personality Disorders, Sociopaths
and Psychopaths. And no wonder! On a scale of 1-10, these two
pathological disorders rate #1 and #2 in terms of ‘devastation to others.’
As I worked with these women, I noticed that they were remarkably
similar in personality traits, the stories of their relationship dynamics were
consistent and even the aftermath of their symptoms was identical! I
wanted to develop treatment for this particular group of victims. When I
searched for books and research, I found nothing written about women
who loved psychopaths. Could there be something to the similarities I had
found? I decided to test my theory by asking questions such as:
1. Do the women who love psychopaths share a common ‘profile’?
2. Did risk factors in women’s lives contribute to them having
relationships with psychopaths?
3. Are all the relationship dynamics with psychopaths similar?
4. Is there a general and predictable aftermath of symptoms when
the relationship ends?
5. If so, can we use this information to develop both a survivor
treatment approach and Public Psychopathy Education for all
people?
Next, I ran ads asking women to contact me with their stories. The
flood I received showed me that the disorders of narcissism, antisocial,
sociopathy, and psychopathy are not that unusual.
After reading my ads, Liane J. Leedom, M.D. contacted me. Dr.
Leedom is a female psychiatrist who had her own personal experience
with a psychopath whom she met on the Internet and married. While some
issues in her case remain unresolved, the end result was the destruction of