Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity PDF
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Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity Kopano Ratele Published in South Africa by: Wits University Press 1 Jan Smuts Avenue Johannesburg 2001 www.witspress.co.za Copyright © Kopano Ratele 2022 Published edition © Wits University Press 2022 First published 2022 http://dx.doi.org.10.18772/12022097632 978-1-77614-763-2 (Paperback) 978-1-77614-764-9 (Hardback) 978-1-77614-765-6 (Web PDF) 978-1-77614-766-3 (EPUB) All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher, except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright Act, Act 98 of 1978. This publication is peer reviewed following international best practice standards for academic and scholarly books. The financial assistance of the National Institute for the Humanities and Social Sciences (NIHSS) towards this publication is hereby acknowledged. Opinions expressed and those arrived at are those of the author and should not necessarily be attributed to the NIHSS. Project manager: Lisa Compton Copyeditor: Karen Press Proofreader: Alison Lockhart Indexer: Sanet le Roux Cover design: Hybrid Creative Typeset in 11.5 point Crimson Contents Foreword by Raewyn Connell ix Part 1 Love 1 1 Why do women love men? 3 2 A double movement outward toward others and inward into the self 16 3 Love needs 22 4 We can change how we love, but not without changing how we fight 40 5 Love hunger shows itself in many acts, and violence may be one of them 50 6 Why there is no love in the Plan 56 7 I love you, but I wish to hurt you 63 8 To love is to receive and to give 71 9 Talking matters 75 10 Listening carefully is an articulate act of love in action 81 11 Why does love hurt? 83 12 The world is not yet ready for loving boys 88 13 Producing and embodying the loving images we want of ourselves 91 14 If women stopped caring for men 94 Part 2 Violence 95 15 ‘I am more scared of them’ 97 16 Men who speak with fists 100 17 Violence wears many faces 103 18 ‘Brothers, check yourselves!’ 108 19 Don’t 118 20 Why is there violence where we expect to find love? 119 21 Really nice guys 127 22 ‘There was nothing suspicious about him’ 132 23 They don’t teach about sexual consent at university or at home 141 24 Jeanne and Emmanuel 148 25 Is the lesbian an alibi for an untenable model of masculinity? 157 26 Will we reduce rates of rape of women and children when we cannot face prison rape? 159 Part 3 Masculinity 167 27 Trying to transform men is not a futile exercise, but it is slow and difficult work 169 28 A few key ideas to consider when thinking about men and changing masculinity 179 29 The politician told students you can’t ask for money from somebody who raped you 185 30 ‘Dad, look at me’ 191 31 ‘I have never hit a woman’ gets you no loving man award 194 32 Before death, before conception, in the many in-between moments, then repeat 198 33 Baldwin was a full man 203 34 The masculinity of a man who is a boy 205 35 Mr President, end patriarchy? 210 36 When work gets in the way of emotional connections 219 37 Love cannot escape power 223 38 What’s up with all this attention given to boys? 227 39 Without showing boys how to love, how will they become loving men? 234 40 Inheriting and passing down a loving masculinity 243 Acknowledgements 249 Notes 251 Bibliography 274 Index 291 Foreword Raewyn Connell This is a remarkable book: troubling, moving and inspiring. It’s a linked set of short narratives and essays, across a surprising range of topics: from a kids’ football game in the street to rape myths, to the militarisation of police services. All are connected to the three great themes of love, vio- lence and masculinity, and their paradoxical relationship. The book works at several levels. Kopano talks about the emotions and uncertainties of relationship, with stories from his own life and work. He thinks aloud about the practicalities of feminist work, anti-racism and men’s engagement in ending men’s violence. At the same time he speaks of capitalism, corruption and economic inequality, colonisation and rac- ism, and the patriarchal structures that oppress women and girls – but also damage the lives of men and boys. This is a South African book, by an important South African public intellectual. Kopano grew up, as many others did, in an ‘unforgiving envi- ronment’. He speaks of what he knows: the toxic racism of the apartheid regime, the massive economic inequalities that persist decades later, the terrifying levels of rape and murder that make South Africa one of the most dangerous countries for women and for men too. This gives urgency to his arguments. This is a discussion from which people everywhere can learn, for there is no place on earth that has yet achieved gender equality and social peace. Masculinities that are organised around power are found in every part of the world. Reading through Why Men Hurt Women and Other Reflections on Love, Violence and Masculinity, I kept finding moments of insight that would ix
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