Who am I? The 16 Basic Desires that Motivate Our Actions and Define Our Personalities

287 Pages·2002·1.06 MB·English

by  Steven Reiss

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Who Am I?
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Power
Independence
Curiosity
Acceptance
The 16
Basic Desires
That Motivate Our
Saving
Order
Behavior and Define
Our Personality
Honor
Idealism
Who Am I?
Social Contact
Steven
Reiss,
Family
Ph.D.
Status
Vengeance
Eating
Romance
TJerermy Pa.Tarncher/Pqutnamuility
a member ofPenguin Putnam Inc.
New York
Physical Activity
III
Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam
a member of
Penguin Putnam Inc.,
375 Hudson Street,
New York, NY10014, U.S.A.
Copyright © 2000 by Steven Reiss, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without
permission.
ISBN 0-7865-1729-8
First edition (electronic): November 2001
Making or distributing electronic copies of this book constitutes copy-
right infringement and could subject the infringer to criminal and civil
liability.
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TO MIKE AND BEN
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Contents
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Introduction 18
1
19
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PART I
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The Basic Desires That Make
23
Our Lives Meaningful
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1 What Is a Basic Desire? 17 26
27
2 Why My Dog Saves Socks 35 28
29
3 Why Kids and Elephants Will Make You Wet 52 30
31
4 Why a Secretary Feared Heights 66 32
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5 One Size Does Not Fit All 83 34
35 S
6 I Don’t Get It,and Neither Do You 99 36 R
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PART II
How the Basic Desires Are Satisfied
7 Value-Based Happiness 123
8 How Relationships Grow 142
9 Turning Work Into Play 163
10 All in the Family 184
11 Why My Father Was a Mets Fan 201
12 The Scientific Study ofthe Human Spirit 222
Afterword
243
Appendix
250
Bibliography
263
Endnotes
265
Index
275
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Introduction
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Sometimes we become so consumed by our daily business that we forget to 16
take a look at the larger picture ofwho we are and where we are headed in 17
life.We go through the actions ofwork,children,and chores,and it takes an 18
extraordinary event,such as a life-threatening illness,the death of a loved 19
one,or a major career change,to focus our attention on the meaning in our 20
lives.When we are faced with tragedy,we review what we have done,think 21
about what we might have done,and wonder what it all means.We become 22
clear on what it is we desire most.We learn who we are and what we truly 23
value. 24
At least that was the experience I had in 1995 when I was diagnosed 25
with a life-threatening illness.The whole thing was a big surprise.When I 26
first started feeling tired,I thought it was just a flu and would pass in a few 27
days.It continued,though,and so I went to see a physician.He ordered one 28
round oftests after another with increasing urgency.Since I was a professor 29
at the Ohio State University College ofMedicine,it was easy for me to show 30
up for the tests on the spur ofthe moment. 31
After I had undergone a scan for possible liver problems,a young doc- 32
tor in a laboratory coat appeared.“You’ll need a liver transplant,”he said.I 33
asked how anybody could possibly survive having his liver taken out and re- 34
placed by what once was somebody else’s.“We do them all the time now,”he 35 S
answered,“Your chances ofsurvival are ninety percent.”Somehow hearing 36 R
1
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INTRODUCTION
1 that I had “only”a 10 percent chance ofdying seemed reassuring,so I asked
2 when all this would happen.“In a few months,”he said with a smile.“But
3 don’t feel sorry for yourself.I told several patients today that they would
4 die.You at least have a chance.”
5 After I had recovered from the shock,I went for second and third opin-
6 ions and read up on liver transplants. The additional opinions not only
7 confirmed that I needed a new liver but also indicated that I probably had a
8 biliary tumor.Cancer in the biliary tract is a death sentence.
9 What a mess! I tried to take an objective look at my situation to plan my
10 course of action.I had in hand multiple opinions from good doctors who
11 had conducted many tests.They all came to the same conclusion,and none
12 saw any likelihood of a mistake.The rare autoimmune disease they said I
13 had was fatal if untreated,and the treatment was a risky liver transplant.
14 Further,I had no chance at all ifthe dark spot on the films ofmy liver was
15 in fact a tumor.I was in deep trouble.
16 Then one Saturday,my wife visited my hospital room and noticed that
17 my color had changed from its usual yellow (I had jaundice from my failing
18 liver) to something more akin to green. She called the nurse, who deter-
19 mined that my temperature was north of104 and still rising.Realizing that
20 a green appearance must be a symptom ofsomething,she called the super-
21 vising doctor,who looked at me as ifhe were seeing a ghost.Even the dullest
22 observer of human nature could discern from his facial contortions that
23 things were not going well.“How serious is my situation?”I asked.“It’s life-
24 threatening,”he answered.My temperature had reached 105.“You’re deal-
25 ing with a professor in the medical school,”I warned.“If you lose me,you
26 will be the one who has to tell the dean that there is nobody around to teach
27 my students and finish the research on my grants.So please get my temper-
28 ature back down.”
29 Fortunately,that was as bad as things became.When I woke up a few
30 hours later,my temperature was back down to 102 and my color had re-
31 turned to yellow.Still,I was kept in the hospital for nine days just to be sure
32 that the infection was completely gone.That gave me a lot oftime to pon-
33 der the meaning oflife.
34 When we are faced with the possibility of death,we try to make sense
S 35 ofwhat is happening to us.We search for meaning and start to psychologi-
R 36 cally prepare ourselves for death.I was starting to accept my fate until I con-
2
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INTRODUCTION
sidered the full implications for my relationship with my children.My wife 1
and I had had children late in life,and my older boy had not yet started high 2
school.When I realized that my sons might need me someday and I would 3
not be there to help them,dying was no longer an option.I decided that I 4
had to live.No matter what medical torture might be involved,I had to give 5
myselfevery possible chance to survive. 6
After I left the hospital,I went to the library to read more about the ill- 7
nesses I had,and I consulted with many researchers.I found some new,still 8
experimental approaches to the treatment of my autoimmune disease. I 9
chose one of them carefully,and was quickly scheduled for the procedure. 10
Afterward,over the course of six months,my liver function gradually re- 11
turned to normal. 12
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THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
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I recall my personal experience because it led me to rethink what it is that 16
makes my life meaningful,which in turn led me to the research that formed 17
the basis for this book.Many research psychologists have assumed that hu- 18
man behavior is guided by the desire to feel good,or what I call the Pleasure 19
Principle.This principle says that above all,what people want is to maxi- 20
mize their pleasure and minimize their pain.N.M.Bradburn,the influen- 21
tial social psychologist, has said that the quality of a person’s life can be 22
measured by the excess of positive over negative feelings.1 According to 23
Bradburn,we are happy when we have more positive than negative feelings 24
and unhappy when the opposite is true. 25
The Pleasure Principle implies that everything people do can be ex- 26
plained by a calculus ofpleasure and pain.It suggests that people prefer op- 27
timism to pessimism because optimism is the more pleasurable ofthe two 28
outlooks.Similarly,people prefer movies with happy rather than sad end- 29
ings,even when the happy endings are unrealistic.How does this principle 30
explain the fact that many people work at boring jobs? It implies that work- 31
ing at such jobs is the lesser oftwo evils,predicting that people would dis- 32
like unemployment even more than they dislike their current jobs. 33
Those who advocate the validity of the Pleasure Principle—variously 34
called pleasure theoristsor hedonists—say that nature uses pleasure and pain 35 S
to prod us to do what is necessary for our health and survival.For example, 36 R
3