Who Am I?

238 Pages·2010·1.34 MB·English

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- Discovering our true identity
(Self-Realization)
- The method of discovering our
true identity (Self-Inquiry)
- Personal insights and experiences
- Conversations with other seekers
- Conversations with Thusness
Who Am I?
The evolving journal and
conversations of a self-inquirer
By “An Eternal Now”, forum owner of
http://buddhism.sgforums.com and blog co-
contributor of
http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com
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First edition: May 2010. Last updated: 3rd September 2010
Note: Chinese readers can skip to Page 79 for a Chinese article and summary written
by me.
Contents
Preface ......................................................................................................................... ii
A Message for Buddhists .............................................................................................. 1
Who is Thusness? ........................................................................................................ 4
Who am I? .................................................................................................................... 6
Journals and Conversations.......................................................................................... 8
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Preface
I have compiled some of my recent posts (slightly edited) on Self-Knowledge based
on my recent insights and experiences into a .docx file for keeping but later also
shared it with others. I will continue to update this document. I would also like to
thank my friend Michael Zaurov for helping me in the editing of this document.
I don't wish to imply that there is something I have attained and you haven't. My
writings are just pointers to what is already present and available right now in every
being, like a diamond in your pocket waiting to be discovered. I have nothing to offer
you in this document, except to point out the diamond in your pocket, the self-
shining Presence-Awareness that has always been present yet overlooked. It is only
because you were ignorant that the self-shining Awareness is your true identity that
you go searching for it (peace, happiness, love) elsewhere where it can’t be found.
But even to say ‘you’ ‘have’ Awareness is not right – for IT is impersonal and
universal, not something you ‘personally’ possess, yet shining in plain view waiting to
be realized. When ‘your’ true identity is realized, it feels completely natural because
it is what you are and always have been – there is no feeling of having had a great
attainment – maybe there may be some feelings of exhilaration initially, but later on
it feels totally ordinary – it is what life has always been, just that we are so caught up
previously in the dream and stories of being a separate self to even notice this. In
short, this is not about attaining some new or altered state of experience (that would
be transient), but realizing a fact of Being that was simply overlooked all these years.
Without moving a step, you have arrived – it is Who You Are.
Another approach to the question of ‘attainment’ is this: In that moment of
awakening, Consciousness awakens/withdraws its identification from the dream of
being a separate person, to its true identity as ItSelf, but after this awakening if the
person falls back into the dream/illusion of being a separate self who now
claims/‘owns’/‘possesses’ awakening (“I am now an enlightened person!”), then ‘he’
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is just as deluded as before. You do not attain anything through awakening, because
there is no ‘you’, there only ever is Consciousness dreaming the dream of being a
separate individual and then awakening again to ItSelf. There is no such thing as an
‘enlightened person’, only awakened Consciousness. I can say ‘I am Awake’, but the
‘I’ that is Awake is simply Awareness Itself (it has awakened to ItSelf from the dream
of separation), but it is not the case that “I became an enlightened person”. In short,
there is indeed a realization, an awakening, (as for teachers who say there is no
‘realization’ or ‘awakening’, I pose a question to them: why are you teaching then?)
from the dream of being a separate self (e.g. a dream character named Peter) to the
Being of Consciousness, yet you cannot say that the dream character Peter has
woken up – dream character Peter never existed to begin with, being merely an
imagined/dream character that is seen through in ‘awakening’, and your true identity
as self-shining Presence-Awareness is realized and shines with utter certainty. In the
same way that there is seeing but no seer, hearing but no hearer, there is awakening
but no awakener. Consciousness alone sees, hears, dreams, and awakens.
Consciousness alone IS, One without a Second, appearing as the many.
Furthermore: these are just some glimpses and insights but I do not wish to imply
anything more than what they are. I am not perpetually freed from suffering and
emotions. I still consider myself a beginner and learner in practice, far from
Buddhahood (even though Buddha-nature is spontaneously perfected in this very
moment as your very essence and nature, there are varying depths of insights into
our nature). I would go on to say that there is an increased seeing through of a
personal identity that leads to more peace and clarity in life, however it is not always
the case that I feel peaceful, un-agitated, without feelings and emotions, and so on.
In fact, John (Thusness) would say with regards to the realization of I AMness:
"Lastly this realization is not an end by itself, it is the beginning. If we are truthful
and not over exaggerate and get carried away by this initial glimpse, we will
realize that we do not gain liberation from this realization; contrary we suffer more
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after this realization. However it is a powerful condition that motivates a
practitioner to embark on a spiritual journey in search of true freedom. :)"
It may also be the case that you already had such glimpses and insights along the
way in your practice or there may be a spontaneous recognition as you read. It could
also be that you may not have a good grasp of what I am talking about (in which case
you can simply practice self inquiry and the truth will eventually dawn on you, or just
watch an introductory video like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA8tDzK_kPI&feature=related). If you wish to
practice self-inquiry, you can refer to the teachings of Ch’an/Zen Master Hsu Yun (by
no means the only Buddhist master who teach self-inquiry) – e.g.
http://zenhsin.org/zenteachings/xuyun_teachings.html. One (again, by no means the
only) major Non-Buddhist major proponent of Self-Inquiry teachers would be
Ramana Maharshi (see http://www.nonduality.com/ramana1.htm). Also, I have
given self-inquiry instructions to an online friend starting from Page 94 of this
document (as well as answering some Q&As related to Self-Inquiry). I and my friend
Thusness (who I also consider to be my spiritual mentor) can attest to the
effectiveness of Self-Inquiry to result in an initial glimpse and realization of our true
nature. This is the direct path to self-realization.
It is my wish that this sharing may, in whatever ways, be of help or perhaps
inspiration to spiritual seekers out there. You can contact me by Private Message at
http://buddhism.sgforums.com/users/87769 - my online aliases in that forum and
other forums include An Eternal Now, BeAwake, xsurf, and xabir or xabir2005
Most (but not all) of the following writings are posts (many of which are edited here)
from the thread ‘Certainty of Being’ at my Buddhist forum at
http://buddhism.sgforums.com/forums/1728/topics/390582 - If you have any
comments, questions, doubts, experiences to share or ask, please feel free to visit
and post at my forum http://buddhism.sgforums.com or contact me through
http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com/p/contact-us.html
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“When it comes to non-duality, the basic and final question is, ‘Who and what am I?’
All other questions get subsumed into that one. When that is resolved, everything is
resolved. Fortunately, you are already here, so whatever you are must be fully
present and available, even now. Just make sure that what you are, which is fully
present now, is clear. Even if this is told or pointed out, you must still do the looking
yourself. You have everything you need right within yourself.” ~ John Wheeler

“Give up all questions except one: 'Who am I?' After all, the only fact you are sure of
is that you are. The 'I am' is certain. The 'I am this' is not. Struggle to find out what
you are in reality.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

“Remember, your true nature (which is the doubtless and clear sense of being that is
with you right now) is not to be found on any website or in any teaching, however
clear.” ~ John Wheeler

“Never mind what we read, the mystery is in THAT what is aware OF the reading.” ~
Unknown
“Question to Master: Why do they suffer instead of inquiring and realizing the Self?
Master’s Answer: They suffer because what they have known to be One, by studying,
has not been experienced.”~ 16th-c. Advaita text Sorupa Saram
Please don’t just read blindly but investigate yourself to find out what is true in
your own experience! Don’t ‘know the One by study’ without any thorough
investigation and experiential realization of Who You Are – for sufferings will never
be resolved by an intellectual pursuit. This investigation/self-inquiry must be
undertaken very seriously with a deep desire to find out what exactly is the truth
of your Being (not just going through the motions of reading them without
contemplation), in order for there to be any success and results.
May all beings awaken to their true nature in this life!
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A Message for Buddhists
The following posts may be confusing for some Buddhists (that would depend on
which tradition, some traditions like Zen do aim for the realization of I AMness first,
while some Theravadins/Vipassana practitioner do not go through this phase*), as
Buddhism teaches about Anatta, No Self. The 'I AM' and 'divine force' is simply a
phase I am undergoing. For example in the I AM phase, the non-dual (‘Brahman IS
the World’, ‘Observer IS the Observed’, etc) nature of Awareness is not realized. And
furthermore there are further phases like Anatta and Emptiness which I have not
included. Nevertheless I believe that the Buddha had gone through the “I AM” phase
prior to his final enlightenment. It should also be understood that the ‘Certainty of
Being’ or ‘I AMness’ is not denied at later phases; rather, it is simply a progression of
insights that integrate the realization of non-duality, and then anatta and emptiness
into one’s experience (to quote from Thusness, that there is no forgoing of this I
AMness but "...it is rather a deepening of insight to include the non-dual,
groundlessness and interconnectedness of our luminous nature. Like what Rob said,
"keep the experience but refine the views".") For more info check out my friend’s
Thusness/PasserBy's Seven Stages of Enlightenment
*Regarding some Vipassana practitioners not going through the I AM phase, see
Thusness’s explanation in the forum Dharma Overground
(www.dharmaoverground.org) in April 2009:
“Hi Gary,

It appears that there are two groups of practitioners in this forum, one adopting the
gradual approach and the other, the direct path. I am quite new here so I may be
wrong.

My take is that you are adopting a gradual approach yet you are experiencing
something very significant in the direct path, that is, the ‘Watcher’. As what Kenneth
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said, “You're onto something very big here, Gary. This practice will set you free.” But
what Kenneth said would require you to be awaken to this ‘I’. It requires you to have
the ‘eureka!’ sort of realization. Awaken to this ‘I’, the path of spirituality becomes
clear; it is simply the unfolding of this ‘I’.

On the other hand, what that is described by Yabaxoule is a gradual approach and
therefore there is downplaying of the ‘I AM’. You have to gauge your own conditions,
if you choose the direct path, you cannot downplay this ‘I’; contrary, you must fully
and completely experience the whole of ‘YOU’ as ‘Existence’. Emptiness nature of our
pristine nature will step in for the direct path practitioners when they come face to
face to the ‘traceless’, ‘centerless’ and ‘effortless’ nature of non-dual awareness.

Perhaps a little on where the two approaches meet will be of help to you.

Awakening to the ‘Watcher’ will at the same time ‘open’ the ‘eye of immediacy’; that
is, it is the capacity to immediately penetrate discursive thoughts and sense, feel,
perceive without intermediary the perceived. It is a kind of direct knowing. You must
be deeply aware of this “direct without intermediary” sort of perception -- too direct
to have subject-object gap, too short to have time, too simple to have thoughts. It is
the ‘eye’ that can see the whole of ‘sound’ by being ‘sound’. It is the same ‘eye’ that is
required when doing vipassana, that is, being ‘bare’. Be it non-dual or vipassana,
both require the opening of this 'eye of immediacy'”
And
“Hi Gozen,

I fully agree with what you said. It is just a casual sharing with Gary as he seems to be
experiencing some aspects of the direct path.
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To me both gradual and direct path will eventually lead us to the same destination. It
is rather the degree of understanding we have on a particular teaching. If we practice
wholeheartedly, whatever traditions will lead us to the same goal.

Frankly without re-looking at the basic teachings of Buddhism about the dharma
seals and dependent origination, I will be leaving traces in the Absolute. In vipassana,
there is the ‘bare attention’ and there is the mindful reminding of impermanence, no
self and suffering of the transience. It is a very balance and safe approach.

Like in Zen tradition, different koans were meant for different purposes. The
experience derived from the koan “before birth who are you?” is not the same as the
Hakuin’s koan of “what is the sound of one hand clapping?” The five categories of
koan in Zen ranges from hosshin that give practitioner the first glimpse of ultimate
reality to five-ranks that aims to awaken practitioner the spontaneous unity of
relative and absolute are meant to prevent leaving traces. (You should be more
familiar than me ) My point is when we simply see the Absolute and neglect the
relative, that ‘Absolute’ becomes dead and very quickly another ‘dead Absolute
construct’ is being created. In whatever case, we can only have a sincere mind,
practice diligently and let the mind figure the rest out.

The mind does not know how to liberate itself.
By going beyond its own limits it experiences unwinding.
From deep confusion it drops knowing.
From intense suffering comes releasing.
From complete exhaustion comes resting.
All these go in cycle perpetually repeating,
Till one realizes everything is indeed already liberated,
As spontaneous happening from before beginning.”
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Who is Thusness?

My friend Mikael suggested me to write a section on ‘Thusness’ since I have quoted
from him a lot in this document, and I thought, “why didn’t I think of that?”
‘Thusness’ is the nickname of my spiritual friend (who I also consider as my teacher),
John Tan. I first knew him online through the Galaxynet IRC channel #Buddhism in
2004. We were discussing about computer programming initially instead of
spirituality (he used to be the CEO of an IT company and is very knowledgeable in IT,
however he has since retired). It didn’t take a long time for me to realize that he had
deep experiential insight of the teachings of Buddhism, and over the years, I had
numerous conversations with him and learnt a lot about spirituality and Buddhism. I
have met him a number of times since he lives in Singapore too. I am very grateful
for his guidance without which I will not have the spiritual knowledge and insights I
have today.
Thusness, who attained Self-Realization 25 years ago at the age of 17 through the
practice of Self-Inquiry, was also the one who instructed me on the practice of Self-
Inquiry (he does not teach this method to everyone and first observes the person’s
conditions and inclinations – for example for many people he would instruct on
Vipassana practice instead) since 2008 for my case because I am inclined towards the
‘Direct Path’ teachings, Advaita Vedanta, Zen, and so on. The practice of Self-Inquiry
has resulted in some of the insights and realizations that I will be talking about in this
document.
Thusness shuns public attention, using the nicknames ‘PasserBy’ or ‘ByPasser’ in
forums and blog, and leaves the forum if he gets too much attention. He prefers the
style of Taoist adepts whose footsteps leave no trace. He often tells me not to talk
about him but talk about my experiences instead, so I will keep this section short.