When Parents Die: Learning to Live with the Loss of a Parent, 2nd Edition

171 Pages·1999·1.2 MB·English

by  Rebecca Abrams

WHEN PARENTS DIE
The death of a parent marks an emotional and psychological watershed in a person’s life.
It is one of the most common forms of bereavement, yet one of the least discussed. For
children and teenagers, the loss of a parent if not handled sensitively can be a lasting
trauma, and for adults too a parent’s death can be a tremendous blow.
First published in 1992, this new edition of When Parents Die will speak to bereaved
children of all ages. Rebecca Abrams draws on her personal and professional
understanding of parental loss, as well as the experiences of many other adults, teenagers
and young children, to provide the reader with an honest, compassionate and insightful
exploration of the experience of losing a parent.
This new edition covers the entire course of grieving, from the immediate aftermath of
a parent’s death through to the point of recovery, paying particular attention to the many
circumstances that can prolong and complicate mourning. It explains the significance of
how and when a parent dies; the importance of the relationship that existed between
parent and child prior to death; the role played by the remaining parent; the difficulties
faced by adolescents and young adults; the impact of earlier and subsequent life events,
for example illness and divorce, and the need to recognize submerged and disguised
grief. Rebecca Abrams argues that a parent continues to be a significant person in one’s
life, and that the true task of grieving is to reach an understanding that while a life has
ended with a parent’s death, a new relationship has begun.
The previous edition of When Parents Die has established itself as an indispensable
aid to the bereaved and the many professionals who work with them. Written in a clear
and sympathetic style, this new edition has been fully revised and updated to take account
of recent research and theoretical developments.
Rebecca Abrams has worked as a counsellor for CRUSE in Oxford and was previously
the school bereavement counsellor at the Cheltenham Ladies’ College in Cheltenham. An
award-winning author and journalist, she is a regular contributor to many of the national
newspapers.
LETTERS FROM READERS
‘At the age of 16 my lift was devastated when my father committed suicide. The person
who was so loving and vital a part of my life, left a wife and daughter totally stunned,
shocked, distraught … I can’t find the words to explain the feelings. This letter is to thank
you for finally giving me a reason to grieve and the chance to realise that I’m not the
only person who has felt this way No professional has helped me as much. You have no
idea how relieved I have been reading your book, and I thank you from the bottom of my
heart for your warming and calming words. They have given me the strength to face and
assess my father’s death, and you have truly inspired me in my outlook on life and death.’
Mary, aged 17
‘Your book has been an enormous help to me and my family. It is the most realistic
book currently on the market.’ Julia, aged 27
‘I only wish there had been a book like this available when my mother died when I was
18. As I read your book, I kept saying, “Oh yes!” to myself as you clearly and honestly
tackled so many familiar themes that have been part of my life.’ Elizabeth, aged 43
‘When I was 15, my stepfather died of cancer and less than two months later my
mother committed suicide. Although this happened nearly four years ago, I am still
hurting inside so much. Thank you for writing a book that addresses bereavement so well
and truthfully. It has been so reassuring to learn that other people do undergo similar
emotions after a bereavement. I’ve never read anything that puts my feelings so perfectly
into words.’ Jo, aged 19
‘I have just finished reading your book and felt I had to tell you how profoundly
moving and wonderful I think it is. I wish everyone whose parent dies could have this
book.’ Rachel, aged 23
‘My mother died in November and it was her death that prompted me to buy your book
a few days later. I came across it in a bookshop a few days before her funeral, opened it
to see if it might be helpful, and knew I had to buy it. Thank you so much! Your book has
been a great comfort to me and I’m sure it will remain so for some time to come.’ Pat,
aged 44
WHEN PARENTS DIE
Learning to live with the loss of a parent
Second Edition
Rebecca Abrams

London and New York
First published 1992 by Charles Letts & Co. Ltd
Second impression published in 1995 by Thorsons an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers
Second edition published in 1999 by Routledge 11 New Fetter Lane, London EC4P 4EE
Simultaneously published in the USA and Canada by Routledge 29 West 35th Street, New York,
NY 10001
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group
This edition published in the Taylor & Francis e-Library, 2006.

“To purchase your own copy of this or any of Taylor & Francis
or Routledge’s collection of thousands of eBooks please go to
http://www.ebookstore.tandf.co.uk/.”
© 1999, 1995, 1992 Rebecca Abrams
Rebecca Abrams asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance
with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or
by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including
photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission
in writing from the publishers.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from
the British Library
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available
from the Library of Congress
ISBN 0-203-98051-4 Master e-book ISBN
ISBN 0-415-20065-2 (hbk)
ISBN 0-415-20066-0 (pbk)
TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER AND MY STEP-FATHER
CONTENTS

Acknowledgements ix
Foreword to the second edition x
Introduction xii

1 My story 1
2 First days, last rites 12
3 Different deaths, different griefs 28
4 Mourning time: the first year 47
5 Mourning time: the second year and after 66
6 Changes and losses: the private kind 77
7 Changes and losses: the public kind 103
8 Old grief in new guises 112
9 Pathways to the future 129
10 Last words 140

Suggested reading 142
Useful organizations 146
Index 149
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
In the course of writing this book I have drawn on the ideas, memories, advice and
support of a great many people. Some were professionals kind enough to share their
knowledge and expertise with me, others were ordinary people brave enough to share
their own painful memories and experiences. To professionals and lay people alike, I am
extremely grateful as this book would not have been possible without them. Deserving of
special mention are Sarah Miller for helping set up the self-help group at Cambridge that
indirectly led to this book; Brenda Polan, then at the Guardian, who responded to my
plea for wider recognition of the needs of the young bereaved by printing my article;
Derek Nuttall, the former Director of CRUSE, who gave much useful information, and
Dr Gary Jackson of the Psychiatric Department at the Middlesex Hospital. Also thanks to
Rabbi Jonathan Romain, the Reverend Dr Geoffrey Rowell, and Peter Wallis at the
Oxford Quaker Centre for explaining the positions of their respective religions. I am also
greatly indebted to David Barlow at the Cheltenham Ladies’ College for his infectious
enthusiasm and for his unflagging commitment to providing better support and
recognition for bereaved teenagers. Many thanks, too, to Sara Menguc, for all her hard
work on the first edition of the book, and to Georgina Capel and Ned Packenham for
getting this new edition off the ground.
On a personal note, many, many thanks to Jill and Jonathan Steinberg who have been
marvellously supportive ever since 31 October 1981, and long before; to Birgitta
Johannson for guiding me towards vital connections; to Cathy Troupp for never being
bored of discussing bereavement, and to David Bodanis and Karen Jochelson for
generously providing a warm, quiet room of my own in which to write the last three
chapters. I am especially grateful to my mother, brothers and sisters for suffering my
grief on top of their own. My deepest thanks are to my husband Hugo, for his unceasing
encouragement, understanding and love.
FOREWORD TO THE SECOND EDITION
The plight of bereaved children was suddenly brought to wider public attention in late
August 1997, with the premature and violent death of Diana, Princess of Wales. As the
world watched the poignant figures of Prince William and Prince Harry, people
everywhere were, for a while, aware of the impact of parental loss. Many identified
strongly with what the princes were experiencing.
Rebecca Abrams was only 18 years old and on the brink of taking her final school
exams when her father died suddenly and unexpectedly. Devastated by his death and then
by the death of her step-father only two years later, she realized how little support there
was in our society for a young person whose parent dies. With the distance and maturity
that came with time, Rebecca Abrams succeeded in writing a lucid, moving and helpful
account of her own experiences and those of other young people. The experiences of this
group of bereaved people are special, yet are
rarely dealt with by books on bereavement. Of particular importance for them are the
ways that their sexuality is affected, and the problems of being expected, if they are the
eldest, to support the surviving parent and younger siblings whilst they themselves are
heartbroken by grief. In the first edition of this book, Rebecca Abrams conveyed
eloquently and elegantly the feelings engendered by such conflicting roles and
expectations and offered helpful advice to others in the same situation. She did not avoid
the painful subject of self-destructive behaviours, which are at their height in this age
group, and she dealt frankly with attempted suicide and anorexia nervosa, recognizing
that bereavement can be the trigger that sets them off.
The response to the first edition from people of all ages who had been bereaved by the
death of a parent has led Rebecca Abrams to broaden its scope to include the effects of
this unique loss on pre-adolescent children and older adults. In this second edition, the
author shows us how it feels to lose a parent no matter what one’s age. She also puts the
further insights gained from her work as a bereavement counsellor in schools and with
CRUSE at the disposal of all who are bereft of a parent or are trying to help those who
mourn.
Grief is the price we pay for loving. If people are not helped to resolve their grief for
the loss of their very first love, a parent, their capacity to love again can take a knock
which may be difficult to repair. Every person who grieves for a dead parent (and young
people especially) will find this book speaks to them. Their surviving parent, teachers,
employers, friends and relatives will also find much here which will enable them to
understand and support the young adult who is bereaved. For the bereaved of all ages, for
counsellors and therapists, the freshness and honesty of this account of one girl’s sorrow
will illuminate their understanding of bereavement and enhance their work in moving
towards a fullness of life that includes an experience of death.
Dr Dora Black, October 1998
Dr Dora Black was formerly consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Royal
Free Hospital, London. She has just retired as director of the Traumatic Stress Clinic in
London which she helped to found, but continues to assist the Courts in decision-making
where family life is disrupted by traumatic bereavement. She has been associated with
CRUSE, the national charity for bereavement care, for over 30 years in various capacities
and continues to co-edit their journal, Bereavement Care.