When Boundaries Betray Us: Beyond Illusions of What is Ethical in Therapy and Life

276 Pages·1993·13.107 MB·English

by  Carter Heyward

"POIGNANT AND COURAGEOUS CARTER HEYWARD HAS
. . .
—
SHOWN WARRIOR-LIKE SPIRIT." MIRIAM GREENSPAN
WHEN
BOUNDARIES
BETRAY
BEYOND ILLUSIONS OF
WHAT ETHICAL THERAPY
IS IN
AND LIFE
HEYWARD
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WHEN
BOUNDARIES
BETRAY
US
BEYOND
ILLUSIONS OF
WHAT
IS
ETHICAL
IN
THERAPY
AND
LIFE
CARTER W
H E Y A R D
i
HarperSanFrancisco
ADivisionofHarperCoW'insPublishers
Acknowledgmentismadeforthefollowing:Poetry©1984byAudreLorde,
excerptedfromtheessay,"Age,Race,Sex,andClass,"SisterOutsider,TheCrossingPress,
Freedom,CA.Anexcerptfrom"OnLies,SecretsandSilence"byAdrienneRich©1979
byW.W.Norton&Company,Inc.
whenboundariesbetrayus:BeyondIllusionsofWhatIsEthicalin Therapy
andLife.Copyright©1993byCarterHeyward.Allrightsreserved.PrintedintheUnited
StatesofAmerica.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhat-
soeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofbriefquotationsembodiedin
criticalarticlesandreviews.ForinformationaddressHarperCollinsPublishers,10East
53rdStreet,NewYork,NY10022.
FIRSTEDITION
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Heyward,Carter.
Whenboundariesbetrayus:beyondillusionsofwhatisethic—alintherapyandlife/
CarterHeyward;forewordbyJanetL.Surrey. 1sted.
p. cm.
Includesbibliographicalreferences.
ISBN0-06-063895-8(cloth)
ISBN0-06-063896-6(pbk.)
— —
1.Psychotherapy Mor—alandethicalaspects Casestudies. 2.Psychotherapistand
patient Casestudies. 3.Heyward,Carter. I.Title.
RC480.8.—H48 1993 92-54536
174'.2 dc20 CIP
*HAD 987654321
93 94 95 96 97 10
Thiseditionisprintedonacid-freepaperthatmeetstheAmericanNational
StandardsInstituteZ39.48Standard.
)
In lovingmemory
ofAudrehorde (1934-1992
Idedicate this book
to my teacher, the incomparableBettySmith Broder,
myremarkable mother, MaryAnn,
andall thesisters
tryingto heal
together
Women have to thinkwhether we want, in our relationships
with each other, thekind ofpower that canbe obtainedthroughlying.
Women have been driven mad, "gaslighted," for centuries by
the refutation ofour experience and our instincts in a culture which
validates onlymale experience. Thetruth ofourbodies and ourminds
has been mystified to us. We therefore have a primary obligation to
each other: not to undermine each other's sense ofrealityfor the sake
ofexpediency; not to gaslight each other.
Women have often felt insane when cleaving to the truth of
ourexperience. Our future dependsonthesanityofeachofus, andwe
have a profound stake, beyond the personal, in the project ofdescrib-
ing our realityas candidlyand fullyaswe can to each other.
Adrienne Rich,
On Lies, Secrets, andSilence
Contents
Acknowledgments ix
ForewordbyJanet L. Surrey xiii
Introduction 1
PARTONE: Wounding in Therapy 21
February to September1987: RememberingSophie 24
September1987to January 1988: YearningtoBe-friend 64
January to may 1988: Rememberingthe Violence 83
june to September1988: Leavingto Survive 99
PARTTWO: TapestryofHealing 109
first pattern: Voice 113
second pattern: Mutuality 125
third pattern: Earthcreature 138
fourth pattern: Compassion 145
fifth pattern: Ambiguity 166
PARTTHREE: Some Ongoing Issues 175
Responses
Miriam Greenspan: On Professionalism 193
BEVERLYW. HARRISON 206
PEGGY HANLEY-^HACKENBRUCK 212
SUSAN DEMATTOS 214
JIM LASSEN-WILLEMS 2l8
APPENDIX: Compassionate Re-membering: Spirituality, Sanity, and
Moralityin a DismemberedWorld 224
Notes 248
Selected Readings 253
Acknowledgments
There is noway to acknowledge everyone involved in develop-
ing this project because all whose lives have in significant, even small,
ways touched mine since 1987have affected the psychospiritualwrestling
that thebook explores. I hope I will be able to thank each ofyou in per-
son as our paths maycross in the future. I want to name here those who
read the manuscript in one ofits earlier drafts and offered critical re-
sponses. They include participants in three courses at the Episcopal
—
Divinity School: members ofmyspring 1991 christology seminar Peta
Blake, Judith Carpenter, Norene Carter, Pat Colenback, Mariel kinsow
Esu Lackey, Mary Meader, Rhea Miller, Margaret Montjane, Yon Pak,
IX