We'll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives

291 Pages·2009·2.29 MB·English

by  Paul Shaffer, David Ritz

For Cathy, Victoria, and Will
Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PRELUDE
Chapter 1 DYLAN AND ME
Chapter 2 TWO JEWS’ BLUES
Chapter 3 B3
Chapter 4 RUNNING INTO RAY CHARLES
Chapter 5 WITH YOUR KIND INDULGENCE…
Chapter 6 SHAFFER A-GO-GO
Chapter 7 DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE VENTRILOQUIST AND THE RABBI?
Chapter 8 HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY
Chapter 9 FRANK SINATRA WELCOMES ELVIS BACK FROM THE ARMY
Chapter 10 SWEET, SWEET CONNIE
Chapter 11 THE ALL-TIME GREATEST PUSSYCAT OF THE WORLD
Chapter 12 NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN
Chapter 13 KEEPING NORTH AMERICA SAFE
Chatter 14 “YOU’VE SEEN THESE, THEN?”
Chapter 15 “WHERE ARE WE NOW?”…
Chapter 16 BLAME CANADA
Chapter 17 JILLY LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL KNOW
Chapter 18 “LOVE’S THEME”
Chapter 19 “WHICH OF THESE COFFEES IS THE FRESHER?”
Chapter 20 A BLACK CASHMERE COAT WITH A RED SILK LINING
Chapter 21 HOLLYWOOD SWINGING
Chapter 22 THE BRADY BUNCH, THE OHIO PLAYERS, AND MR. CHEVY CHASE
Chapter 23 PAUL AT THE GRAMERCY
Chapter 24 CATHERINE VASAPOLI
Chapter 25 THE BLUES BROTHERS!
Chapter 26 DIVIDED SOUL
Chapter 27 KING OF HAWAIIAN ENTERTAINMENT
Chapter 28 THE HEALING POWERS OF MR. BLACKWELL
Chapter 29 HOW BLUE CAN YOU GET?
Chapter 30 THE CALL THAT CHANGED IT ALL
Chapter 31 BLUES, BROTHER
Chapter 32 I’M NO HOMOPHOBE, OR HOW I CAME TO CO-WRITE “IT’S RAINING MEN”
Chapter 33 THE GIG OF GIGS
Chapter 34 MY ELVIS
Chapter 35 LOVING GILDA
Chapter 36 “KICK MY ASS—PLEASE!”
Chapter 37 TAKE MY LIMO, PLEASE
Chapter 38 VIVA SHAF VEGAS
Chapter 39 MEL GIBSON AND THE JEWS
Chapter 40 ON THE NIGHT SHIFT
Chapter 41 BAD TASTE
Chapter 42 FAMILY IS EVERYTHING
Chapter 43 WHAT KIND OF HOST AM I?
Chapter 44 THE GRINCH WHO RUINED CHRISTMAS
Chapter 45 PATRIOTISM AND RELIGION
CREDITS
acknowledgments
Paul thanks …
David Letterman, it’s an honor to take it to the stage with you every
night—a true friend David Ritz, you are the answer to the
question, “What is hip?” Daniel Fetter, without whom I wouldn’t
know where “1” is Eric Gardner, wise and conscientious
counselor; I couldn’t imagine a better manager Suzan Evans
Hochberg, my favorite rock and roll lawyer chick Chris Albers,
writer to the stars, labor negotiator; who says working for me
doesn’t lead anywhere? Chris Schukei, news anchor, marketing
genius; who says working for me doesn’t lead anywhere? Jann
Wenner, your knowledge and loyalty are unwavering Phil Hordy,
my good friend, thanks for my street and hooking up the Order of
Canada David Smyth, for the gig that entitled this book Susan
Collins Caploe, what a voice! Joel Peresman, the rock CEO with
the movie-star looks Joel Gallen, talent by the gallon Bob Anuik,
lead Fugitive who sang the hell out of “Jezebel” Frank De Michele,
first bass man (Fugitives) Peter Demian, second bass man
(Fugitives) who taught me “Stand By Me” Ian Rosser, third bass
man (Fugitives), designed his own electric sitar—it’s a cool world
Don Murray, original drummer (Fugitives) Tom Schiller, neither of
us turned out to be gay Rhonda Coulet, sang beautifully at
Belushi’s memorial Rita Riggs, turned me out as an eyewear addict
Tony Reid, the ring-bearer on the unicycle Barbara Gaines, exec
producer, Thanks for the Memories Maria Pope, exec producer,
Dream Weaver Tom Leopold, the industry vet John Evans, dug
“Love’s Theme” as well Lee Gabler, my buddy in the Area of
Responsibility Jude Brennan, exec producer, still doesn’t know
what “Act 1” is Michael Lichtstein, it’s his “Day in Rock” Danno
and Laura Wolkoff, rock Cleveland Alan Cross, a funny, funny
man John Sykes, a dear friend who gave me some unforgettable
gigs Matt Roberts, supervising producer and lyricist extraordinaire
Margo Lewis, agent/organist—what a combo! Rob Burnett,
swingingest CEO Jill Leiderman, does it all Senator Marian “The
Babe” Maloney, dear family friend Her Excellency Governor
General Michele Jean, with deep respect Rob Cohen, for the
Sammy plaque Gabrielle Lappa, honours with a “u” Charlotte
Igoe, had a Hammond as well Lee Richardson, for slipping me into
that reception line The Stangles, Jerry and Sheila, thanks for the
support David thanks …
Paul Shaffer, “King of ’em All, Y’all” Suzanne Herz Steve Rubin
David Vigliano Peter Gethers Claudia Herr Stacy Creamer
Emily Mahon Geoff Martin Helen Ansari Rob Kaufman My
gang: Roberta, Alison, Jessica, Jim, Henry, Charlotte, Alden, James,
Esther, Elizabeth, the great Pops Ritz and all the family, including
Harry Weinger and Alan Eisenstock
1971–
The Brass Rail.
I’m twenty-one, and I’ve made it. I’m playing on Yonge Street,
Toronto’s main drag, where clubs like the Zanzibar and the Coq d’Or
feature rockers like Rompin’ Ronnie Hawkins and David Clayton
Thomas. To be honest, though, the Brass Rail is a little farther up the
street on a slightly less swinging block.
Doesn’t matter. I’m thrilled to be here and I’m thrilled to be providing
musical accompaniment for the nightclub’s topless dancers. These girls
may be a bit frayed around the G-string, but to me they’re simply
irresistible. I’m also happy to see that many of my college pals, who have
never before bothered to hear me play, are out in force. In fact, they’re
so interested in my music that they’re sitting at ringside tables. As for me,
I’m caught in an exquisite dichotomy: embarrassment versus erotic
stimulation.
It’s a grind—literally for the girls and metaphorically for me. My grind
is the stringency of the set requirements: seven straight hours, from 6
p.m. to 1 a.m., fifty minutes on, ten off. I bring on the dancers at the top
of the set, when they do one number “covered,” then two topless. After a
few tunes from the band, they return at the bottom of the set for more of
the same. So at the end of this long and beautiful/awful night, it’s time
to wrap it up.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I intone, playing to my friends, “let’s hear it
once again for the very lovely, extremely talented Brass Rail Topless Go-
Go Dancers. The exquisite Donna. The enchanting Shanda. The
delightful LaShana. The priceless Tiffany. And the irresistible Bree. We
love them madly. Well, that’s about it for us. We are the Shaf-Tones.
Please come back and see us. We’ll be here for the rest of our lives.”