Viz - August 2022

52 Pages·2022·99.1 MB·English

3
4
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Now it’s one visit Yes, dad... No, son… do that and Right… let me
to the carvery, I think I’ll you’ll only get two slices. show you how
Beef,
so you’ve got to have the to do the veg.
please.
make it count. beef. If you ask for a slice of
each, you’ll get beef, pork
and turkey. Three in total.
Now push your carrots into your
First off, straight down Now, you use the ...that stops them Two spoons of mash, one
mash like sausages in a cartoon.
the bottom to get a Yorkshire as a receptacle spilling out and on top of the other, not side
Works with parsnips too.
Yorkshire pudding. for your peas... taking up plate area. by side. That halves the
mashed potato footprint.
It doesn’t look very
They put it at the
attractive, but it all goes
end deliberately, but
down the same hole.
I know their game.
Cauliflower cheese right in the centre, Quick as you can, hem it Roasties - they’re dry. They Now your sprouts on the other ...believe me, son, I
but it fast starts to spread... time is in with a wall of stuffing... go in your back pocket. side of the stuffing wall... talk from experience.
your enemy with cauliflower cheese.
...make sure you pack it No point wasting plate ...drain them proper or And that leaves a space
down so as it don’t give way. space with something that the sprout water will seep here for your sauces -
can go in your pocket. under your stuffing wall and cranberry, bread sauce,
compromise its integrity... horseradish. Or all three
if you’re like me.
Bread sauce on the outside, son. Gravy right in the middle. Oooh! Nearly sat Right. Yeah! Happy
It’s thick and it’ll make a dam to As much as you like, son. on me roasties Tuck in, Fathers’ Day,
keep the other two on the plate. It’s going nowhere thanks there. Heh! Heh! lad. Dad.
to that stuffing wall.
Oooh, that’s me
Two minutes later... You don’t have so much
done. I’m stuffed.
of an appetite when you
get to my age.
Eat up, son, and I’ll show you
how to work the puddings.
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SEPTEMBER 2022
14 NEWCASTLE TYNE THEATRE & OPERA HOUSE
15 SHEFFIELD O ACADEMY
2
16 MANCHESTER O APOLLO
2
17 SOUTHAMPTON O GUILDHALL
2
19 LONDON O FORUM KENTISH TOWN
2
21 CARDIFF ST DAVID’S HALL
22 BIRMINGHAM O ACADEMY
2
23 GLASGOW O ACADEMY
2
24 LEEDS O ACADEMY
2
MYTICKET.CO.UK DOUGSTANHOPE.COM TICKETMASTER.CO.UK
SO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW
DONALD TRUMP?
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appointed without any political or military experience. Yes, that Donald Trump.
Jim G Sitch’s diaries, compiled over four long years of the Donald Trump presidency, are hypnotic
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Once you’ve read these diaries, which detail just what it was like to live under Donald Trump’s rule,
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In his review of the book respected British
Diplomat Sir Vincent Fean says:
“This book is required reading for every
US voter and others affected by Trump
i.e., every one of us!”
Available on Amazon and can be
ordered from all good bookshops
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ST R
LETTER
5 5
WHENEVER I watch a funny IN HER 1981 disco classic
video on YouTube, it always Pull Up to the Bumper, Grace
seems to say ‘try not to laugh’ in Jones encourages listeners to
the title. Isn’t that supposed to be “Pull up to the bumper in your
the whole point? long black limousine”. Surely Ms
Jack Spratt, Stourbridge Jones is aware that even at 20
5
mph, a safe stopping distance of
I AM sending this email from
40 feet should be maintained, and
Buckingham Palace, where
even if the car in front is parked,
I am currently at a Royal Garden
you should allow ample room for
Party. Have any of your readers ever
it to manoeuvre out of its position.
written such an unimpressive letter
Pulling up to the bumper is,
from such an illustrious location?
therefore, either selfish or even
Jack Orchel, email dangerous. That said, my mate
5
Dave reckons she’s singing about
LIKE MOST people at
5
shagging, not driving.
the moment, my gas and
AFTER the country waited
5 electricity bills are sky high. I for 5 Jim P, Ramsbottom so long for the Sue Gray
I’M NO scientist, but I reckon one am certainly intending to use
IN STEPHEN King’s Pet report, I can’t help thinking
they didn’t think the CERN as much as I can in order to get my
Sematary, Dr Louis Creed that the Government should
Particle Accelerator through money’s worth.
buries his cat and it comes back all have asked my wife’s friends to
properly. The particles can’t be Jane Hoole Garner, St Ives evil. If I did the same I honestly compile it. Whenever I misbehave
5
going that fast, as the accelerator is
wouldn’t know the difference on a night out, she has a full
WHATEVER happened to
a circle, and they must be cornering
because my cat is already a massive dossier of eyewitness accounts
twerps and berks? There
all the time. The Channel Tunnel
cunt. and incriminating photos stored
used to be loads of them around
would be much better because it’s
Joe Hartshorn, Grassmoor on her mobile before I’ve even
nice and straight, so the particles and now you never hear of them. 5
managed to stagger through the
The same goes for ninnies and
could get a bit of speed up. It SHORT-ARSED, minor
front door.
nincompoops.
would also make it easier to collide celebrity Gary Wilmot once
Steve Crouch, Peterborough
particles because, without corners, Humphrey, Dumfries stood on my foot in Norwich in the
5
they could see the other ones late 80s and never apologised. A 5
THE ACTIONS of the French
coming and head for each other. mere 10 years later, a short-arsed EVER SINCE Prince Charles
police at the recent Champions
Obviously they would have to wait news reporter from Look East, stood in for the Queen at
League final were not only
for any trains to get out the way Rebecca something, stood on my the State Opening of Parliament
disproportionate and shameful, but
before they pulled the trigger, but foot whilst reporting on a rent on 11th May, my bum-grapes have
they were also completely counter-
I’m sure that’s no biggie. strike at the UEA in Norwich, and been giving me no end of bother. Let
productive. If anyone is going to Paris
Rigsby, London also never apologised. Have any nobody tell me that Her Majesty the
5 in the near future, could they have
other Viz readers had multiple Queen doesn’t do a marvellous job.
a word with the police and tell them
IF THE Queen is so great,
diminutive minor celebrities or Tim Buktu, Timbuktu
how come all her kids are that it’s bees that calm down when 5
unknown regional news reporters
total cunts? you douse them with smoke. Football LABRADORS look so old
stand on their foot in the same
fans tend to get a bit more upset. fashioned these days. They’re
Cedric J. Quartermaine, decade?
Hampton Peasgood, Tooting like old punks in a new romantic
5 Frinton-on-Sea 5 Stelrad Doulton, Armitage
5 world of cockerpoos
APPARENTLY, Mariah
I HAVE a friend who takes THE TERM “living room” and other designer shit
Carey can hit notes that
photos of train spotters, is a strange. Technically, machines.
only dogs can hear. But how do we
making him a train spotter spotter.
every rooms in a house is a Stuie, Bunny
So I took a photo of him, making know this? Did some Dobermans 5
“living room”. I was about to
me a train spotter spotter spotter. confirm it by barking at Norris NOW IT turns out
champion the cause for the
Anybody want to take a photo of McWhirter when she apparently that dinosaurs never
alternative colloquialism “sitting
me and jump on this bandwagon? went quiet during a song? actually existed. Honestly.
room”, which I have always used,
Dominic Brady, Nottynum You couldn’t make it up.
Aaron, Halifax but unfortunately the same rule
5 TC Rusling,
applies as I often have a sit-down
I REALLY don’t understand why F1 drivers use those cheap tyres Cottingham
in the kitchen.
that only last half an hour before they need changing. I pay about
John Mason, Stoke on Trent
£100 a tyre and haven’t changed mine for over a year. With all that 5
sponsorship money floating about in F1, you’d think they would spend JUST 12 short years
a bit more. Buy cheap, buy twice, they say. They wouldn’t have to keep after I bought it, the arse
stopping to change them either, so would be quicker in the race. is hanging out of my ‘so-called’
Chris Jacob, Wetherby Bag for Life. What a fucking
scam.
Alister Jackson, Dungannon
5
HOW ON earth did
Hadrian’s Wall keep anyone
from invading England? I’ve been
up there and seen it and it’s only
about two feet high in most places
and with gaps all over the shop. I
was easily able to cross over it, so
the Scots must have been a right
soft bunch if it kept them out.
Ben Nunn, Caterham
X
8
5
WHILST waiting outside a
FOOTBALLERS. Avoid a yellow GCSE and A-level candidates. nightclub, the bouncer told
card by not committing any Ease those exam day nerves by me that the door policy was “one in,
bookable offences, and keeping having two or three pints on the one out”. Whilst it meant I would
your fingers crossed that the way to school. gain entry immediately, it did seem
referee doesn’t misjudge or Col P Fawcett, Durham a little unfair to turf someone out
misinterpret any completely legal just because someone else arrives
ITALIAN bakers. Increase the PARENTS. Teach your child to
challenges you make. and wants to come in. What sort of
load-bearing capacity of your count up to four by giving them a
Aaron, Cowdenbeath loyalty program is that?
breadsticks by baking a few packet of McCoy ridge cut crisps.
Mark, Manchester
lengths of spaghetti into each FOOL bingo callers into thinking Smiffy, Mansfield 5
one as a sort of ‘pasta rebar’. you’re Spanish by shouting ISN’T it odd that secret
Mark Glover, Coventry “CASA!” when you get all the agent 007 never seems to
numbers. experience any toilet trouble whilst
TV VIEWERS. When watching
John Owens, Glasgow chasing criminal masterminds
any celebrity-based competition,
abroad? I only have to hop over
always have an internet-enabled GIVE your house an ‘American’
the English Channel and within
device to hand so you can vibe by lopping a yard off both
48hrs it’s like the start of a pigeon
Google who the fuck they all are. ends of your shithouse door. [email protected]
race in my bathroom. I’m hoping
Eldon Furse, email Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford
for a bit more realism in the next
5 5 5
instalment.
MR CROSBY’S letter (Viz IN HIS 1956 hit MY COUSIN’S
Del Le-Belli, Barrow
315) about Chewbacca’s dick When I Fall in son started 5
got me thinking. Wookiees look Love, Nat King Cole his new job as a BT CAN ANYONE name
more like dogs than apes, so he’s pledges “When I technician about 6 something that can be
probably got a giant lipstick, and is fall in love, it will months ago, and he described as ‘pert’ other than a
therefore probably likely to get it be forever, or I’ll spends most of woman’s breasts or buttocks? I
out if you leave him tied up outside never fall in love”. the working day can’t. Doubtless this is another
a shop. The problem is that up telegraph poles word that will be abolished by the
Cyclone Ted, Lichfield he must first fall on housing estates. so-called ‘woke’ brigade sooner or
5
in love to discover But in all that time later. I advise all your male readers
I HAD an idea for a cookery
its longevity, he hasn’t once seen a to make good use of it while they
programme recently where
therefore should his pair of MILF tits, or a still can.
Bear Grylls cooks mammals
“forever” hypothesis couple going at it in their
Wo-Nchu Taikmitu, Funky Town
of the family Ursidae, using 5
prove untrue, the bedroom. What is the
downwards radiated heat from a stated consequence of country coming to? It’s not I HAD a slight malfunction in
flat, horizontal element or flame. never falling in love is the job he signed up for. the toilet today. But I doubt
However, I am struggling to think unachievable without the Theodore Firedoor, your readers want to hear about that.
of a title. Can your readers help?
use of time travel. However, Chipping Norton Mr B. Jesus, Eastbourne
Eldon Furse, email since the song was released one
5 Continued over...
year after Marty McFly’s journey
YOU WOULD think an
back to 1955, it is feasible that
omniscient Creator might OBSCURED SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS SIGHT-SEEING TOURS
he witnessed the clock tower
have handed down the odd
incident and simply assumed that
commandment about stuff that is This summer, visit the undiscoverable Scottish Highlands on the...
Doc Brown would come to his
actually a problem, like racism.
assistance.
Then again He invented those NNoorrtthh CCooaasstt 550000
James Daniel, Miskin
worms that swim up your cock, so 5
what do I know? I’VE JUST got the Crack CCaammppeerrvvaannss RRoouuttee
Palmer Vjorhend, Portstewart Whore Jack Pencil strip in
5
Viz issue 219. Fuck me, am I thick
MY MATE told me he
or what?
couldn’t wait to see the new GUARANTEED unSCENIC ROUTE! Over 500 miles of stunning views ruined
Gas Fires, Manchester
Top Gun movie, but then I caught by monstrously-oversized motorhomes!
him sat down in a tent outside the
* Well, since that issue came out in Stunning landscapes ruined! Concealed bridges!
cinema on Friday evening doing
October 2012, you are certainly a
exactly that. Why do the British set
little slow on the uptake, Mr Fires.
themselves up for failure with such
But like fine wine, that cartoon strip
unachievable statements?
will have matured with age and so
TKP, Newport
5 ironically, you will have enjoyed it
WHATEVER happened to more than someone
TV detector vans? As a child, who read it fresh Skye’s hidden scenery! Just park up Unseen castles!
Ith vaivt iodnlye rmemigehmt dbreirv eth selo awcluyt ed ofewanr off the press. where you like &
our street, call at our house and block the view!
take my parents away, even though
we had a colour TV licence
at the time. It would be lovely
to see the traditional British
TV detector van grace our
Rarely sighted Invisible waterfalls
streets once again so, come
on BBC, keep us on our Highland cattle! D o n ’ t s e e a ll
thoeersit aanged TruVn t h e s i g h t s o f t h e
detection van H i g h l a n d s !
services when
we least
expect it!
Voted the UK’s No.1 Vexatious Family Holiday 2021
Prescot
For your FREE guide to the best B-road-blocking parking spots and
Cables, Leeds
handy tips for 50 point turns on single-track roads between passing
places, send an SAE to: P.O. 500, 1 Sassenach Way, Bastard London
9
...continued
5 5 5 5
IN YOUR last issue, Billy I RECENTLY bought a new MY MISSUS made a recipe JAKE SKIPPEN’S letter in
Whiffles from Tooting wrote laptop which, to my surprise, from Yotam Ottolenghi’s the last issue about how he
that he had watched a pornographic was made by HP. This must be book Plenty the other night. It met Dennis Waterman proves that
film in which a lady was lifted a really progressive company to was a taste sensation – healthy, the ‘Curse of Viz’ is well and truly
onto a wall-mounted bathroom diversify from producing baked nutritious and vegan too! However, back on. On a completely unrelated
wash-basin for sex. Mr Whiffles beans, soup and tomato sauce the amount of pots and pans matter, I have never met Nigel Farage
suggested that such an act would be to making computers. Their needed to make it was out of order and have nothing to say about him.
dangerous due to the weight and competitors should take a leaf out and the washing up the next day Paul Tyler, Port Isla
5
warned against it. However, I work of HP’s book and get busy. Maybe took ages. So we’re back on the
A MAJOR disadvantage of
for a leading distributor of kitchen, we could see new gadgets like a frozen chicken Kievs.
being self-employed is that
bedroom and bathroom products, Fray Bentos Fitbit, Batchelors Ade Taylor, Doune
5 when you write pointless letters to
and can confirm that, assuming the Bluetooth Earbuds or even a Mr
DURING the Second World Viz during the workday, it wastes
cabinet was fixed to an outside wall, Kipling Raspberry Smartphone.
War, Elizabeth Windsor your own time rather than your
a suitable bracket was used (the Heinz Doofenshmirtz, email
5 worked as an ambulance mechanic, employer’s. Moreover, you’re not
Camar 807 02 E1 RV for example),
AFTER going in a pass- but by 1952 she was the Queen. So getting paid while doing it. It just
and weight was distributed fairly
thru dishwasher whilst tied if you’re stuck in a dead end job, goes to show that it’s one rule for
evenly, then they should be okay
to a stretcher for a bet, I was just remember that young lady and global conglomerates and another
up to a weight of approximately
permanently blinded and had to reach for the stars. for one-man or one-woman outfits.
150kg, providing they’re not too
enthusiastic when the chap gets to endure months of skin grafts. They Frank Discussion, Orkney Geoff Greensmith,
5
the vinegar strokes. say, “What doesn’t kill you makes Upper Chodbinwithoutapaddle
I NOTE that although
you stronger,” but I can definitely
5 David Milner, Durham say I am a frail shadow of the sausages were invented about
6000 years ago, dogs only learned
I JUST saw a newspaper person I was before the experience.
to say “sausages” in the 1970s. So
headline reading “Mum Kelvin Griffith, Nuneaton
5 we really haven’t anything to worry
Guilty of Murder!” But when I
I DO feel a bit sorry for about.
rang my dad up, he said she was
sitting in the garden and he didn’t Johnny Depp’s missus. Col P Fawcett, Durham
5
Whenever I shit the bed, I end up
know anything about it.
I RESPECT the rights of
in the doghouse, too.
Nick Haskell, Adelaide
bungalow owners to live in
Rick Pistol, email
single-floor properties if that’s
what they want to do. After all, live
and let live, I say. But I don’t think
it’s right that they should have lofts
TRAVELLING LIGHT or cellars. Any of them that do are
simply hypocrites.
Mathew Shepherd, Derby
5
5
I DID a driving experience
I NAPOLEON once famously
at Silverstone recently and
T’S OFTEN said that when packing for a holiday, asked of a new general in his
as I was about to get in the Aston
you should take half as many clothes and twice as Martin, one of the mechanics army “I know he’s good, but is he
lucky?” Well, if that general had
much money. But what else should you pack? Is told me he wanted to take a
been Spawny Get from the pages
there something that YOU always take with you when photo of me pulling off. I was so
of Viz, the answer would have been
you go away? We asked some celebs what things they disgusted, I put my foot through
an unequivocal ‘yes’. I’m not sure
the accelerator pedal, shot off at
simply could not travel without.
what the point of this letter is, but
150mph, crashed at the first corner
Ian Dunt, i columnist and sent Bernie Ecclestone the bill. still, it just goes to show, eh?
Dylan White, St Ives
I LOVE fucking off for a couple of weeks’ hols, but the wine Mickey Bullock, email
abroad is weak as vicars’ piss and tastes like fucking shite, so
I never go away without a dozen bottles of my favourite plonk SAVE money on expensive
from my local Booze Buster. Of course, with fucking airport electric toothbrushes by
restrictions, you’re not allowed to take any bastard liquid airside, so sellotaping a regular toothbrush
I have to neck the fucking lot before going through cunting security. to your washing machine and
offering your mouth up to it
Katie Hopkins, gobshite CALL centres. If you are during the spin cycle.
AS A professional vile columnist, vitriolic words are the tools experiencing a higher volume Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford
of my trade, and so whenever I go on holiday, I always take of calls than normal most of the PRETEND you are in a sitcom
a simple notepad and pen with me. Then, if I’m relaxing time, then that volume of calls by keeping a completely straight
on the beach and I think of something spiteful to say about becomes the normal and it’s time face whenever your friends say
disabled people, or if I’m in a restaurant and I come up with some to get some more bloody staff. something funny and taking a
poisonous comment about gays, I simply jot them down. Gav D, Norrrrrfolk long pause before you reply to
Benedict Cumberbatch, actor BUS drivers. Align your allow for canned laughter.
career trajectory with that of a Dave Turton, Doncaster
WHENEVER I go abroad on holiday, I always take an egg harp professional footballer by stopping
with me. They don’t have them anywhere but the UK, and I driving buses at 34, and making FORGOTTEN your car keys?
can’t stand slicing boiled eggs with a knife. It’s something about your living talking about driving Simply pull a plastic panel off of
how the hard yolk smears on the blade that makes me go a bit buses for the rest of your life. your steering column, connect
tizicky. I don’t actually eat boiled egg sandwiches, but you never know when together the first 2 wires that pop
Eldon Furse, email
someone you are holidaying with might like one. out and off you go, just like in the
COAL scuttles with the bottoms films.
Clive Myrie, news anchor cut out make handy trousers for Chingfordrob, Chingford
VERY OFTEN, holidays fail to live up to our expectations knights on a budget.
and we don’t have as good a time as we had hoped. So I Frank Rung, El Paso
always pack a portable CD player and an Ed Sheeran CD in
VISIT the Blackpool Illuminations
my luggage. That way, if I’m feeling a little down because the
when it’s raining so the reflections
weather’s not much good or the hotel isn’t up to scratch, I just
in the wet road make it appear that
think how much worse it would be if I put that CD on and listened to it,
there are twice as many lights. [email protected]
and that cheers me up a little bit.
Julian, York
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