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Uptight and In Your Face This page intentionally left blank Uptight and In Your Face Coping with an Anxious Boss, Parent, Spouse, or Lover Nina W. Brown Copyright2011byNinaW.Brown Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced, storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmitted,inanyformorbyany means,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise, exceptfortheinclusionofbriefquotationsinareview,withoutprior permissioninwritingfromthepublisher. LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Brown,NinaW. Uptightandinyourface:copingwithananxiousboss,parent, spouse,orlover/NinaW.Brown. p.cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex. ISBN978-0-313-38555-1(hbk.:alk.paper)—ISBN978-0-313-38556-8 (ebook)1.Interpersonalconflict.2.Interpersonalrelations—Psychological aspects.3.Personalityassessment.4.Stress(Psychology)5.Adjustment (Psychology)I.Title.II.Title:Copingwithananxiousboss,parent, spouse,orlover. BF637.I48B76 2011 158.2—dc22 2010034546 ISBN:978-0-313-38555-1 EISBN:978-0-313-38556-8 15 14 13 12 11 1 2 3 4 5 ThisbookisalsoavailableontheWorldWideWebasaneBook. Visitwww.abc-clio.comfordetails. Praeger AnImprintofABC-CLIO,LLC ABC-CLIO,LLC 130CremonaDrive,P.O.Box1911 SantaBarbara,California93116-1911 Thisbookisprintedonacid-freepaper ManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica Contents Acknowledgments vii Preface ix 1 Intense,Anxious,andSelf-Absorbed 1 2 WhatYouSeeandFeel 17 3 ABleakLandscape:TheUptightPerson’sInternalLife 35 4 AnxiousaboutDeprivation:TheImpoverished-self HoarderType 51 5 DeprivingSelfandOthers:TheAustere WithholdingType 67 6 WallowinginGreedandExcess:TheIndulgentand EntitledType 83 7 ‘‘YouWillDoWhatIWant’’:TheControllingand ManipulativeType 99 8 ‘‘EveryoneandEverythingIsAgainstMe’’:TheRevengeful ComplainerType 119 9 WhyTheyGetNexttoYou:UnderstandYourReactions 135 10 MakeItBetterforYourself:CopingwiththeUptightPerson 151 References 173 Index 175 This page intentionally left blank Acknowledgments Appreciation and thanks are extended to many people who pro- vided me with the inspiration for this book, and they shall remain nameless. However, some people deserve recognition for their sup- port and encouragement during the writing process. I want to thank Hylene Dublin, MSW, for listening and understanding what I was trying to sort out and convey; George Saiger, MD, who always has good suggestions and gives encouragement; and Rosemary Thomp- son, Ed.D, a good friend and fellow writer. ThanksarealsoextendedtoDebbieCarvalko,theeditoratABC-CLIO whoguidedmethroughthisprocessandsawthepotentialforthisbook. My heartfelt thanks go to each one of you. Nina W. Brown May 2010 This page intentionally left blank Preface This book was written to be a guide and support for people who have to live, work, or interact on a regular basis with someone who is intense, anxious, and self-absorbed, which I term ‘‘uptight.’’ The dictionary describes uptight as being tense, outraged, angry, and adhering rigidly to convention, but that definition only captures a part of what these people are like. Underlying the tenseness is anxi- ety, and yes, they do tend to be angry but it is difficult to know why they are angry or toward whom as their anger seems to be about and toward almost everything and everyone. Further, the rigid ad- herence is only for what they consider to be right and proper, with little or no understanding or adoption of standard conventions. In addition, the definition does not include mention of self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes that this book addresses. This book grew out of my experiences with several people who were intense, anxious, and self-absorbed, but who did not or could not see or appreciate the negative impact of their attitudes and behaviors on others, and who would get very angry and defensive when I tried to make them aware of how they were affecting me and others. They were not able to understand that the relationships were affected, seemed to have an attitude that they were right, and that others just ought to accept the validity of what they said or did with- out having any negative feelings. They did not seem to care about others’ feelings and perspectives, although they constantly said that they did, and were devaluing and dismissive of these.

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It is often stated that communication is the most important aspect of creating an effective relationship or achieving goals when working with another individual or within a team. But how does one communicate with someone who is too intense, anxious, or self-absorbed to hear anything you're trying to
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192 Pages·2010·1 MB·English
by  Nina W. Brown
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Uptight and In Your Face This page intentionally left blank Uptight and In Your Face Coping with an Anxious Boss, Parent, Spouse, or Lover Nina W. Brown Copyright2011byNinaW.Brown Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced, storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmitted,inanyformorbyany means,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise, exceptfortheinclusionofbriefquotationsinareview,withoutprior permissioninwritingfromthepublisher. LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Brown,NinaW. Uptightandinyourface:copingwithananxiousboss,parent, spouse,orlover/NinaW.Brown. p.cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex. ISBN978-0-313-38555-1(hbk.:alk.paper)—ISBN978-0-313-38556-8 (ebook)1.Interpersonalconflict.2.Interpersonalrelations—Psychological aspects.3.Personalityassessment.4.Stress(Psychology)5.Adjustment (Psychology)I.Title.II.Title:Copingwithananxiousboss,parent, spouse,orlover. BF637.I48B76 2011 158.2—dc22 2010034546 ISBN:978-0-313-38555-1 EISBN:978-0-313-38556-8 15 14 13 12 11 1 2 3 4 5 ThisbookisalsoavailableontheWorldWideWebasaneBook. Visitwww.abc-clio.comfordetails. Praeger AnImprintofABC-CLIO,LLC ABC-CLIO,LLC 130CremonaDrive,P.O.Box1911 SantaBarbara,California93116-1911 Thisbookisprintedonacid-freepaper ManufacturedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica Contents Acknowledgments vii Preface ix 1 Intense,Anxious,andSelf-Absorbed 1 2 WhatYouSeeandFeel 17 3 ABleakLandscape:TheUptightPerson’sInternalLife 35 4 AnxiousaboutDeprivation:TheImpoverished-self HoarderType 51 5 DeprivingSelfandOthers:TheAustere WithholdingType 67 6 WallowinginGreedandExcess:TheIndulgentand EntitledType 83 7 ‘‘YouWillDoWhatIWant’’:TheControllingand ManipulativeType 99 8 ‘‘EveryoneandEverythingIsAgainstMe’’:TheRevengeful ComplainerType 119 9 WhyTheyGetNexttoYou:UnderstandYourReactions 135 10 MakeItBetterforYourself:CopingwiththeUptightPerson 151 References 173 Index 175 This page intentionally left blank Acknowledgments Appreciation and thanks are extended to many people who pro- vided me with the inspiration for this book, and they shall remain nameless. However, some people deserve recognition for their sup- port and encouragement during the writing process. I want to thank Hylene Dublin, MSW, for listening and understanding what I was trying to sort out and convey; George Saiger, MD, who always has good suggestions and gives encouragement; and Rosemary Thomp- son, Ed.D, a good friend and fellow writer. ThanksarealsoextendedtoDebbieCarvalko,theeditoratABC-CLIO whoguidedmethroughthisprocessandsawthepotentialforthisbook. My heartfelt thanks go to each one of you. Nina W. Brown May 2010 This page intentionally left blank Preface This book was written to be a guide and support for people who have to live, work, or interact on a regular basis with someone who is intense, anxious, and self-absorbed, which I term ‘‘uptight.’’ The dictionary describes uptight as being tense, outraged, angry, and adhering rigidly to convention, but that definition only captures a part of what these people are like. Underlying the tenseness is anxi- ety, and yes, they do tend to be angry but it is difficult to know why they are angry or toward whom as their anger seems to be about and toward almost everything and everyone. Further, the rigid ad- herence is only for what they consider to be right and proper, with little or no understanding or adoption of standard conventions. In addition, the definition does not include mention of self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes that this book addresses. This book grew out of my experiences with several people who were intense, anxious, and self-absorbed, but who did not or could not see or appreciate the negative impact of their attitudes and behaviors on others, and who would get very angry and defensive when I tried to make them aware of how they were affecting me and others. They were not able to understand that the relationships were affected, seemed to have an attitude that they were right, and that others just ought to accept the validity of what they said or did with- out having any negative feelings. They did not seem to care about others’ feelings and perspectives, although they constantly said that they did, and were devaluing and dismissive of these.

Description:
It is often stated that communication is the most important aspect of creating an effective relationship or achieving goals when working with another individual or within a team. But how does one communicate with someone who is too intense, anxious, or self-absorbed to hear anything you're trying to
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