Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

254 Pages·2016·1.86 MB·English

by  Lisa Damour

Praise for Untangled
“Lisa Damour’s Untangled is the best description of the female adolescent
journey that I have ever read. Empathetic and wise, every page is filled with a
deep understanding of girls and their parents. If you read this book you will
know what your daughter is experiencing, and with Damour’s advice, you will
know how and when (and when not) to talk to her about it.”
—MICHAEL THOMPSON, PH.D., co-author of Raising Cain
“This is the book parents have been waiting, hoping, and praying for, because
it’s far more than a book. It’s a map, flashlight, and GPS device for navigating
the landscape of adolescent girlhood. Lisa Damour proves to be the perfect guide
and companion: wise, whip-smart, and relentlessly practical on every page. As
the father of three teenage girls, I wish I had this book years ago—and I hope
that it is read by every parent, teacher, coach, administrator, and human being
who wants to help girls grow and thrive in today’s world.”
—DANIEL COYLE, author of The Talent Code
“There are books about teenagers that are smart. And there are books about
teenagers that are practical. Lisa Damour thankfully provides us with one that is
both. With palpable empathy and understanding for adolescent girls and the
families they reside in, Damour equips parents with a flexible blueprint for
anticipating challenge and encouraging growth in their daughters. If you have a
daughter (or were a daughter!) Untangled is mandatory reading.”
—MADELINE LEVINE, PH.D., author of The Price of Privilege
“In exceptionally clear prose, Damour—a clinical psychologist—skillfully
blends research analysis, psychological insight, and stories of girls and their
families into a compelling narrative about what’s right about our daughters. She
illuminates the seven transitions that girls must untangle to become fully
themselves, with each offering a corresponding opportunity for parents to stretch
and transform themselves. Throughout, Damour offers unstintingly practical
advice to parents about how to talk with their daughters about what matters most
and in ways that they are likely to be heard.”
—KIMBERLYN LEARY, PH.D., associate professor, Harvard Medical School;
chief psychologist, Cambridge Health Alliance;
Robert Wood Johnson Health Policy Fellow

The advice contained within this book does not constitute—or serve as a substitute for—professional
psychological treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice or intervention.
Copyright © 2016 by Lisa Damour
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin
Random House LLC, New York.
BALLANTINE and the HOUSE colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to Hal Leonard Corporation for permission to reprint an excerpt from
“Sexual Healing,” words and music by Marvin Gaye, Odell Brown, and David Ritz, copyright © 1982 by
EMI April Music Inc., EMI Blackwood Music Inc., and Ritz Writes. All rights administered by Sony/ATV
Music Publishing LLC, 424 Church Street, Suite 1200, Nashville, TN, 37219. International Copyright
Secured. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Names: Damour, Lisa, author.
Title: Untangled: Guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood/Lisa Damour.
Description: First edition. | New York: Ballantine Books, [2016] | Includes bibliographical references and
index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2015040046 | ISBN 9780553393064 (hardcover: alk. paper) | ISBN 9780553393064
(ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Teenage girls—Psychology. | Adolescence. | Adulthood. | Adolescent psychology.
Classification: LCC HQ798 .D26 2016 | DDC 305.235/2—dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov
/2015040046
eBook ISBN 9780553393064
randomhousebooks.com
Title-page image: © iStock/jaroon
Book design by Simon M. Sullivan, adapted for eBook
Cover design: Misa Erder
Cover photograph: © plainpicture/Hollandse Hoogte
v4.1_r1
a
While an adolescent remains inconsistent and unpredictable in her
behavior, she may suffer, but she does not seem to me to be in need
of treatment. I think that she should be given time and scope to
work out her own solution. Rather, it may be her parents who need
help and guidance so as to be able to bear with her. There are few
situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an
adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate
themselves.
—ANNA FREUD (1958), “Adolescence”*
* Here and elsewhere, I’ve taken the liberty of revising the 1958-style default to male pronouns by placing
“her” and “she” where Ms. Freud had “his” and “he.”
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Epigraph
Introduction
ONE Parting with Childhood
The Cold Shoulder
Allergic to Questions
Surprisingly Mean
The Swimming Pool
Totally Competent, Except for When She’s Not
Blooming, Reluctantly
Smoke Without Fire
Parting with Childhood: When to Worry
The Female Peter Pan
Rushing into Adulthood
TWO Joining a New Tribe
The Pull of Popular
Tribal Warfare
Frenemies
If Your Tribe Jumped Off a Bridge…
When Tribes Need Elders
Social (Media) Skills
Joining a New Tribe: When to Worry
Social Isolation
Being Bullied
Being a Bully
THREE Harnessing Emotions
You: The Emotional Dumping Ground
I’m Upset, Now You’re Upset
Befriending Distress
Catalytic Reactions
Coping by Posting
How to Become an Accidental Helicopter Parent
Harnessing Emotions: When to Worry
Recognizing Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Disorders
Self-Destructive Coping
FOUR Contending with Adult Authority
Seeing Behind the Curtain
The End of “Because I Said So”
Framing Danger
Rupture and Repair
Crazy Spots
Adults with Faults
Holding the Line
Contending with Adult Authority: When to Worry
Too Good to Be True
Constantly Contending
Adults Contending with Each Other
FIVE Planning for the Future
Impulses, Meet the Internet
The Road to the Future: Who Drives?
Making the Grade
Tense About Tests
Planning for Next Week
Dealing with Disappointment
Planning for the Future: When to Worry
All Plan and No Play
No Plan in Sight
SIX Entering the Romantic World
A Dream Deferred
A Match Made in a Marketing Meeting
Offering Some Perspective
The Inner Compass
Dating for Credit
Being Gay: The Slur and the Reality
Entering the Romantic World: When to Worry
The Tributaries and the Lake
April–June Romances
SEVEN Caring for Herself
Nodding Without Listening
Girls, Food, and Weight
Sleep vs. Technology
Getting Real About Drinking
Straight Talk About Drugs
Sex and Its Risks