Understanding Children in Foster Care: Identifying and addressing what children learn from maltreatment PDF
Preview Understanding Children in Foster Care: Identifying and addressing what children learn from maltreatment
Wendy Kelly Understanding children in foster care Identifying and addressing what children learn from maltreatment Understanding Children in Foster Care Wendy Kelly Understanding Children in Foster Care Identifying and addressing what children learn from maltreatment Wendy Kelly Wellington, New Zealand ISBN 978-3-319-65375-4 ISBN 978-3-319-65376-1 (eBook) DOI 10.1007/978-3-319-65376-1 Library of Congress Control Number: 2017953540 © The Editor(s) (if applicable) and The Author(s) 2017 This work is subject to copyright. All rights are solely and exclusively licensed by the Publisher, whether the whole or part of the material is concerned, specifically the rights of translation, reprinting, reuse of illustrations, recitation, broadcasting, reproduction on microfilms or in any other physical way, and transmission or information storage and retrieval, electronic adaptation, computer software, or by similar or dissimilar methodology now known or hereafter developed. The use of general descriptive names, registered names, trademarks, service marks, etc. in this publication does not imply, even in the absence of a specific statement, that such names are exempt from the relevant protective laws and regulations and therefore free for general use. The publisher, the authors and the editors are safe to assume that the advice and information in this book are believed to be true and accurate at the date of publication. Neither the publisher nor the authors or the editors give a warranty, express or implied, with respect to the material contained herein or for any errors or omissions that may have been made. The publisher remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations. Cover Credit: Jamie Grill/gettyimages Printed on acid-free paper This Palgrave Macmillan imprint is published by Springer Nature The registered company is Springer International Publishing AG The registered company address is: Gewerbestrasse 11, 6330 Cham, Switzerland To my parents for their love and support and providing me with the educational opportunities which eventually led to this book. To Lesley, Jamie, Finn and Felix for being there for me and keeping me grounded in real life. Preface The first time I used the Relational Learning Framework (RLF) to be described in this book, a child protection social worker came up to me and said, “You’ve traumatised me.” When I asked her how I had done that, she said something like “We are working with a child who is wreak- ing havoc out there and I’ve just realised we have made him this way.” What she meant is that the more the child acted out, the more placement changes he had and the worse his behaviour got. The RLF gave her insight into the child’s perspective. She knew what was happening from her per- spective as the stress and frustration of trying to help the child was only too real to her on a daily basis. In this maelstrom, she had not thought about what it was like to be the child and the pain and distress, or out- right sense of power and control, which might be driving his behaviour. The aim of this book is to provide a window into the child’s view of them- selves and others. For maltreated children in foster care, this view may have been formed through their experiences of physical, sexual and emo- tional abuse, from neglect, starvation and being ignored, and from being moved from place to place as if they are a parcel or a piece of furniture. When completing the RLF, a foster parent exclaimed, “So it all comes from the past!” and another said, “I’ve just had a lightbulb moment!” These reactions spurred me on to use the RLF to give others a way of working through the complexity of the child’s history and behaviour to come to some understanding. My aim is for foster parents, social workers vii viii Preface and clinicians to think about what is going on for the child in the bleak moments when things go wrong and hope is lost. The moments when it seems the child cannot be helped. The RLF provides a structure or lens to think about the child, no matter how short the time available. Three sim- ple questions can be answered: What is the behaviour that is distressing? What has happened to the child that this behaviour seems the best choice available? What words and actions will help? These simple questions allow us to think about why a child may be beating up a parent or sitting staring into space. Using this information to tune into the child makes us focus on what this child needs to learn about relationships from me, today. During my own difficult parenting moments I keep one question in mind: “What do I need to do today to stay in relationship with my child?” This question focuses attention on maintaining the relationship. We all know that no relationship can thrive when there is continual conflict, yell- ing, arguing and withdrawal. These things are borne out of frustration and become habitual. It can be hard for parents to know what to do instead. This question focuses on the positive; it asks what do I have to do to keep in an emotional connection with this child. It lifts blame from both the parent and the child, it takes the focus off techniques and puts the parent on a different pathway to maintain connection. The RLF is designed to help parents see what the child needs from them. The situation can be overwhelming and filled with strong emotions. The RLF invites foster parents to take a step back from this and develop a different approach. The RLF has been described as doing a psychological formulation or case conceptualisation “on the hoof” and in a way it is. But it is also many other things—a way to share information, to simplify complexity, to think about what is underneath the child’s behaviour, and a way to work out how to help the child. It can be used flexibly and practitioners are encouraged to return to the RLF when things go wrong or there is a cri- sis. What additional experiences has the child had since the last RLF? What has changed in the child’s behaviour? How does this impact on their view of themselves and others? What do they need as a result? This process can re-focus practitioners in a crisis, when workers may be very upset and frustrated, and turns the focus back on what the child needs us to do. This is very calming for practitioners, who may be beginning to take their stress out on each other. Prefac e ix In conclusion, a child I worked with wrote a list of the things a foster child needs. Here is the list (reproduced with permission): Children need all sorts of things. 1. Love 2. Parents to care for them 3. A lovely home to stay in 4. Kind siblings that care for them 5. All the things they needed before they came to live with them 6. Love, love, love, the most important thing is love Who could say it better? This book aims to unlock the mystery of the child’s unpredictable behaviour and the thoughts that drive it so that love has a chance to flourish and provide a secure base for the child’s healing and recovery and sustenance for the foster family to persevere in the face of some very large obstacles. Acknowledgements I acknowledge Victoria University of Wellington for the excellent sup- port services wrapped around my PhD and the enthusiasm and encour- agement of my colleagues and fellow students. I particularly thank my supervisor Associate Professor Karen Salmon, who taught me how to work out what my story was and tell it. Thank-you to Professor Tony Ward, who helped with theory and planning. Thanks are also due to Wendy Rose Herman, Clare-Ann Fortune, Eileen Bootsma and Lesley Ayland, who gave me detailed feedback on the book. I also thank Andrea Greer, who is an enthusiastic supporter of this work. I acknowledge all the foster families and foster children who have inspired the work described in this book. I enjoy working with foster parents who call a spade a spade. Many I have worked with are puzzled by the child they are caring for and surprised by the depth of distress which the child’s behav- iour may provoke in them. As long as they have not been ground down by struggling with the child’s behaviour or the system, they have been fiercely determined to help the children in their care. I enjoy working with foster children as they courageously face down their demons and find a way to be in a sometimes hostile world which keeps changing on them. I also acknowledge the social workers, mental health clinicians and psychologists who have come to my training courses and for supervision. Many of the ideas in this book come from our discussions. xi Contents Part I Maltreatment and Mental Health 1 1 The Context of Foster Care 3 2 Early Maltreatment 25 3 Foster Children’s Well-Being and Mental Health 45 Part II Attachment and Mind-Mindedness 81 4 Attachment: The Meeting of Hearts 83 5 M ind-Mindedness: The Meeting of Minds 101 Part III The Relational Learning Framework 117 6 Th e Relational Learning Framework 119 7 H ow to Implement the RLF 139 xiii
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